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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do I set boundaries with lodger

74 replies

Talktalkchat · 26/09/2021 17:05

I’m terrible with setting boundaries, can you let me know how I can improve.

For example I’m painting the front door and I should be telling him not to use the front door at al (we have a side gate). He’s walked in via the front door at a risk of getting his clothes or the house dirty with paint.

Alive left a paint can at the door so it won’t fully close as it’s had a few coats. He’s now used that door to exit the house and moved the jar out of the way. I was alerted to this noise and saw him leave. We had some interaction and I think he was going to close the door or not leave it ajar correctly.

I’m just terrible with boundaries and telling people what to do. How do I become normal?

OP posts:

Lokdok · 27/09/2021 21:50

FFS, USE YOUR WORDS.

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 27/09/2021 23:04

OP it's your home, you own it and do the repairs. If you want him to use a different side door as you are painting you tell him. And you continue to say no, use the side door. He doesn't get to debate it with you. He's not a teenager who has to argue everything, he's an adult who respects your reasonable request or he doesn't get to live in your nice house

He is already overstepping and seems to think he jointly owns the house, he's not your equal in this house - he's your lodger.

Don't accept arguing back next time, I asked you so stop where you are... please go to side door, it's unlocked

Remember you can give him notice any time , if he isn't going to work out . He can then go play entitled man of the house somewhere else.

Anordinarymum · 27/09/2021 23:09

If you don't want him to behave like a twat you have to assert yourself.

Simply tell him what you want to convey. 'Do not use this door today I am painting it'. Would have been enough.

Boundaries are there to protect everyone. Set some !

TimeForTeaAndG · 27/09/2021 23:16

Ooooh, you're the one with the motorbike lodger.

Just give him notice OP, he's clearly a bit of a dick who thinks he doesn't have to listen to you.

a8mint · 28/09/2021 10:00

Why doesn't he like using the side door? Does itopen onto another Street?

Perturbdisturb · 28/09/2021 13:00

I've had a few lodgers over the years. Communication can be tricky. Some people prefer texts when things come up, others prefer to be told directly. Some people hate to be told directly, and take offense.

The best thing I learned was to try and figure out what approach works with different personality types.
He sounds like he needs to be told firmly, with no justifications that he can argue with.
Or maybe he's the sort that would have obeyed a text more compliantly.
Good luck in finding your way around this, being assertive is a life skill, and it is worth while giving each situation a big thinking-through, so you can calmly plan and approach.
I've had to do this more with my young adult children. It's not like I can tell them to obey at 22 or 23, but I do need to warmly communicate what I want, without sounding stressed or grumpy. People don't respond well when they can sense rage behind what you say....
Sorry if that all sounded patronising! And hope it goes well in future. A well-trained lodger can be a great relationship and help.

Original poster

Talktalkchat · 28/09/2021 22:45

@Perturbdisturb

I've had a few lodgers over the years. Communication can be tricky. Some people prefer texts when things come up, others prefer to be told directly. Some people hate to be told directly, and take offense. The best thing I learned was to try and figure out what approach works with different personality types. He sounds like he needs to be told firmly, with no justifications that he can argue with. Or maybe he's the sort that would have obeyed a text more compliantly. Good luck in finding your way around this, being assertive is a life skill, and it is worth while giving each situation a big thinking-through, so you can calmly plan and approach. I've had to do this more with my young adult children. It's not like I can tell them to obey at 22 or 23, but I do need to warmly communicate what I want, without sounding stressed or grumpy. People don't respond well when they can sense rage behind what you say.... Sorry if that all sounded patronising! And hope it goes well in future. A well-trained lodger can be a great relationship and help.

Thank you.

Yeah I asked on a Monday I’m it was ok if the plumber went to do his noisy radiator on Wednesday and he said no because he had a messy room lol. He was overseas as well. Lol.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 28/09/2021 22:55

If you communicate in real life like you do on here, I would say your lodger(s) ? how many do you have ? must be as confused as fuck because I can make head nor tail of your posts

Original poster

Talktalkchat · 28/09/2021 23:22

@AnyFucker

If you communicate in real life like you do on here, I would say your lodger(s) ? how many do you have ? must be as confused as fuck because I can make head nor tail of your posts

Always one mad hatter…

OP posts:

NigellaAwesome · 29/09/2021 21:56

So, about the radiator - has he asked you fix it? How long have you been trying to arrange a plumber? Have you had conversations about it before with each other?

I don't think I would have been asking. Certainly I would have notified that it was happening, but plumbers are like unicorns at the moment, so there is no way I would have turned one away.

I honestly think you should be giving notice. He sounds like he doesn't respect you at all.

I would also spend some time working out if you could improve your assertiveness and communication style.

Original poster

Talktalkchat · 29/09/2021 21:58

@NigellaAwesome

So, about the radiator - has he asked you fix it? How long have you been trying to arrange a plumber? Have you had conversations about it before with each other?

I don't think I would have been asking. Certainly I would have notified that it was happening, but plumbers are like unicorns at the moment, so there is no way I would have turned one away.

I honestly think you should be giving notice. He sounds like he doesn't respect you at all.

I would also spend some time working out if you could improve your assertiveness and communication style.

He told me about it at the end of the winter period, I told him what it could be, he wouldn’t let me enter his room so I told him to bleed radiator. Said it didn’t help so I said it will be the TMV and I got it replaced when I was getting other radiators sorted (different concern).

So yes him having an unclean room isn’t my concern.

And yes getting anyone around is an issue.

OP posts:

NigellaAwesome · 29/09/2021 22:10

Just get rid. It's not worth this amount of hassle in your own home.

Is he your only lodger?

Original poster

Talktalkchat · 29/09/2021 22:45

@NigellaAwesome

Just get rid. It's not worth this amount of hassle in your own home.

Is he your only lodger?

Yep how I wish I could have two monies every month

OP posts:

NigellaAwesome · 29/09/2021 22:54

But surely if your current lodger leaves, you can advertise for a replacement? And have a good conversation with prospective lodgers beforehand to make sure that expectations on both sides are clear and that it will be someone who is a better fit.

StoneofDestiny · 29/09/2021 22:56

You appear to have some seriously weird lodgers in your home..............

MrsClatterbuck · 29/09/2021 23:00

Currently waiting a number of weeks on a plumber to fix something. If he were to phone and said he could come the next day no way would I be putting him off.

CatKittyCatCatKittyCatCat · 29/09/2021 23:18

Best to assume people aren’t mind readers and tell them things in advance and maybe also remind them at the time.

NumberTheory · 30/09/2021 01:57

It dos sound like your communication could have been better, but also that it wouldn't have made any difference. Your problem in this case isn't your communication, it's your lodger.

I think you're right that your boundaries need some work. If you ask a lodger to do something reasonable (like let you into their room to see what the problem they've complained about might be, or ask them to use a side door when you're painting) and they refuse that's a very good sign that you should give them notice. You don't want to be living with someone who acts like a moody teenager unless they are your moody teenager (and even then, sometimes...!).

You could have tried increasing your assertiveness by saying something like - "I'm asking you to use the side door. Whatever your assessment of the risk, it will be me that has to pick up the pieces if things do go wrong. So just use the side door."

But, with the radiator issue too, I think you should just give him notice and look for someone else. He's disrespectful about you and your home. I would not want someone in the house who won't let you in to look at something that's broken. That's wholly unreasonable and a sign he may not be taking care of the fabric of the building.

If money is a bit too tight to be happy to do that, I would still probably use it as a threat. E.g. with the radiator - "This isn't really a request. You can let the plumber in to fix the radiator or you can start looking for somewhere else to live. Which would you prefer?"

In any case, you really need to take a look in his room if you haven't seen it in a long time. You could be out a lot of money if he isn't taking care of it. And in the future you may not want to give a lodger excluded tenancy,

alexdgr8 · 30/09/2021 02:37

did he go to Castile when he was overseas ?

timeisnotaline · 30/09/2021 03:38

I’d want another lodger, one who’s a reasonable and polite person. Not this guy.

Maskless · 30/09/2021 06:24

I am a landlady with lodgers. Here is what I do.

Write them a letter a few days/ a week before any works. Tell them the door will be out of use from x to x and they MUST use the side exit.

Clear, assertive, everyone knows what's expected.

Cherrysoup · 30/09/2021 07:12

I think if you’re cleaning, you have the right to enter the room. In fact, with lodgers, I think you have right of entry regardless. If he’s being awkward, just get rid.

Funnylittlefloozie · 30/09/2021 07:31

I suspect that your lodger was able to suss that you aren't a direct and assertive person when he came to see the room. Because he is clearly a bit of a twat, he realised he'd be able to walk all over you.

There is fault on both sides here, but really, you need to understand that the power here lies with you, and take it back from him.

AntiSocialDistancer · 30/09/2021 07:36

Are you the same woman who had a lodger who complained about the new kitchen?

Really, its probably time to stop having lodgers. It's not for you.

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