“If you were a single parent you’d have to manage”

[Popsiclewopsicle]

I don’t know if I’m being really unreasonable but I’m trying to convey to dh how much that statement upsets me.

I’m loaded with cold (multiple tests later it’s defo a cold) and dh went to golf yesterday like he does every Saturday. Left at 9.30, back at 4.30. They’d played a round and then went for some drinks after like the normally do. He’d messaged a few times about this and that and I’d mentioned how utterly crap I was feeling and on deaths door (yessss I know it’s “just” a cold but it’s really knocked me on my bum) and I just felt like, ffs could you not just have come home after your finished instead of going to the pub for a couple of hours.

I spend all day everyday “looking” after dds and dh, I just want some consideration and care and “looking after” back. So we’ve had a row and he’s come out with that, and now I just feel, is that really how low the bar should be.

Should add dds are primary age but old enough to keep themselves entertained

@MitchConner

Ahaha, my ex said something similar to me before we split up. I had a sudden, "well then, what exactly is the point of you being here?" epiphany.

Exactly. What's the point of him, OP?

This is an unforgivable thing to say. The fact that he even said that…. If this was slung in my face I would start making plans.

@TurnUpTurnip

I was a bit shocked by people assuming that single mums get “more time off”! My ex has never looked after our son for a full 24 hours.
Unfortunately, men who are determined to be useless stay useless after the relationship ends!

Tell him to leave then! You would then be a single parent and he could have the kids EOW and maybe 2 days during the week... would he be happy with that? At least you'll have some free time!

Seriously though are you otherwise happy and does he pull his weight in general? If he does then just forget about it and move on... it's not worth having a big argument over... he probably thinks you should have told him to come home and that you couldn't be that bad as you didn't ask him to! I know you shouldn't have but some can be a bit slow on the hints!

I'm a single mum/lone parent and it's way easier than being in a shit relationship.

Many sympathies, know exactly what it feels like to be last in line after bloody golf! (and cricket on Sundays). I have an ex husband!

To be fair he has since apologised for his self centred attitude and that he never understood how much I did, he also apologised for calling me lazy for working pt (are dd is autistic and he did so many hobbies, working pt was all I could physically and mentally manage, we didn't need the money I should add). Just in case he's a secret Mumsnet fan

He golfs every Saturday for 8 hours? Fuck that.

Not all single parents get time off, especially if widowed .
I haven't had a day off in eight years.

Mumoblue I know these comments are very stereotypical that single mums get loads of free time! my ex hasn’t seen our children in 3 years. I get zero time off even before that he would never have them for more than 2 hours a time once a fortnight! Shocked at how many people seem to think all single parents get time off and half the holidays off! As if, and this guy doesn’t exactly sound like someone whose suddenly going to step up and have the children when he can’t even be bothered to now.

Yanbu .
I've been a lone parent for 13 years and he's talking crap. Although my xp did go out a lot and leave me to struggle which is why I got sick of him.

He quite possibly wouldn't have the dcs every other week if you split. Mine decided to not bother just after we split up. I've never had a break.

Why are you 'looking after' a grown man??

But you're not a single parent. You wouldn't have chosen to have children as a single parent (presumably). You have children within a partnership, within a marriage, you have HIS children.

That's a really shitty comment and shows a lot of disregard - that he thinks he's doing you a favour by sticking around (disagree with me and you could find yourself doing this alone) rather than appreciating your contribution. Doesn't sound like he takes his marriage vows very seriously either if he's always weighing up the pros and cons of you being a single parent.

I know it was a throwaway comment but I think it's revealing. I mean why would you say that to a life partner.

My ex said one night when I was trying to bottle feed my dd and I asked for help, you would have to do it if you were breast feeding. I was mentally struggling at the time and he didn't care. I told him that I would never forgive him for that comment when I needed help. We split up a few years later.

“This is an excellent point DH. It also means that if you were a single parent you wouldn’t be able to play golf every weekend. Assuming we don’t want to separate, shall we discuss how we can best support each other to ensure both of our needs are met?”

It's clear how much he cares about you and values you

I’d have said not to tempt me!!
Cheeky sod, point is you shouldn’t have to manage!!!
I find it easier without my ex if I’m honest sometimes it’s like carrying dead wood.

So he thinks that because single parents have no other choice except to 'manage', that you should just suck it up too ??

I'd be telling him that as you're not a single parent (yet ! ), you have no intention of 'sucking up' his crap, selfish behavior !
However you'd be fine with showing him what life will be like for him as a 'Disney/weekend only divorced Dad' , so that he can see how his social life will fare if he continues down this selfish and arrogant path !!

Honestly I'd not do anything for him again.

Cooking tea? Leave his. "If you were single you'd have to do it yourself".

Washing clothes? Same.

Etc etc.

Also, next Saturday go out before his golf starts and leave the kids there "sorry darling if you were a single parent you'd have to manage, bye".

Idiot.

He's right. And it was exactly this sort of shit that made me decide that if I was doing all that anyway, I may as well be a single parent. Now I keep on doing it, but with the bonus of not having to put up with his bullshit.

He's a dick but the replies suggesting single parents get time to themselves or EOW off are misleading.

Many of us do it 24/7 for years with no break whatsoever. Any yes we just have to get on with it.

If you were a single parent you could ship them off to him every other weekend and take up your own hobby and go drinking with your mates.

@Willyoujustbequiet

He's a dick but the replies suggesting single parents get time to themselves or EOW off are misleading.

Many of us do it 24/7 for years with no break whatsoever. Any yes we just have to get on with it.

This is true but then is he (along with his shit comment) putting himself in the category of non resident parents who don't have their kids regularly?

Yep - as others said - plan something for every other Saturday and tell him that’s “his” time with the kids. What an arse - a partner is meant to make your life easier and nicer

YANBU Did you say that you’re not a single parent so you shouldn’t have to even think about that!

Did you ask him to come home early or did you just assume he would?
I think this may be part of the problem - you thought he’d use common sense and he thought you’d let him know if you needed him home.

I think you should be able to manage on your own, with just a bad cold. it's not the end of the world. You should not equate it with your Husband being out, and enjoying golf and a few drinks. Maybe it's better if he is out of the way for a while.