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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

“If you were a single parent you’d have to manage”

106 replies

Popsiclewopsicle · 26/09/2021 12:26

I don’t know if I’m being really unreasonable but I’m trying to convey to dh how much that statement upsets me.

I’m loaded with cold (multiple tests later it’s defo a cold) and dh went to golf yesterday like he does every Saturday. Left at 9.30, back at 4.30. They’d played a round and then went for some drinks after like the normally do. He’d messaged a few times about this and that and I’d mentioned how utterly crap I was feeling and on deaths door (yessss I know it’s “just” a cold but it’s really knocked me on my bum) and I just felt like, ffs could you not just have come home after your finished instead of going to the pub for a couple of hours.

I spend all day everyday “looking” after dds and dh, I just want some consideration and care and “looking after” back. So we’ve had a row and he’s come out with that, and now I just feel, is that really how low the bar should be.

Should add dds are primary age but old enough to keep themselves entertained

OP posts:

Notaroadrunner · 26/09/2021 12:53

Well you can stop 'looking after' Dh from now on. He's a grown man who can look after himself. Stop cooking and doing his washing if that is part of you 'looking after' him. Tell him that's what it will be like for him as a single parent when the time comes, if he doesn't cop the fuck on and start respecting you.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 26/09/2021 12:55

Well yes, technically it's true. But you are not a single parent so you shouldn't have to "manage." You have a DH who should be doing his share.

dashoflime · 26/09/2021 12:56

The correct answer to this is "Don't fucking tempt me"

Mumoblue · 26/09/2021 12:59

I’m a single parent and I have to manage when I’m sick as DS’s dad is a fucking chocolate teapot.

If your partner is outright stating that he’s so useless that he might as well not be there, that’s an important message!
You’re not a single parent, and if he thinks he’s worth anything as a dad then he should be making a fucking effort.

Rosesareyellow · 26/09/2021 13:00

You’re DH is an arse. Of course people manage all kinds of things alone out of necessity. That doesn’t mean you should have to when it’s not a necessity. I agree with a pp - LTB and then he can do his share of single parenting at the weekends (bye bye golf) and eat his words. If he turns out to be a dead beat that never sees his kids you’ll hardly be worse off than now.

MitchConner · 26/09/2021 13:03

Ahaha, my ex said something similar to me before we split up. I had a sudden, "well then, what exactly is the point of you being here?" epiphany.

pointythings · 26/09/2021 13:04

I'd be going ice cold nuclear at him over that. It's an incredibly shitty thing to say and he is being selfish and useless. But I'll bet this isn't the only way in which he is a shitty husband and father.

SweatyYetti · 26/09/2021 13:07

You can always brood on it and retort with "I may aswell be then as you're suggesting it! Thought we were a team, a partnership?"

RavenclawsRoar · 26/09/2021 13:09

Well next weekend I'd be leaving the house before him and when he asks who will watch the dc while he golfs I'd say "if you were a single parent you'd have to manage it."

HughGrantsHair · 26/09/2021 13:10

I bet if you were a single parent OP, you'd have a contact arrangement where your DH would only have the children on a Sunday judging by his attitude.

What a shitty thing to say.

StrawberrySanta · 26/09/2021 13:11

If you was a single parent you'd have more time off than you do now as the kids would be at their dads sometimes! Why does he think all the childcare would come down you you if you were to split up? I'd be fuming and would definitely be bringing this up with him again

MilduraS · 26/09/2021 13:11

That is one of the shittiest comments I've ever read from a husband on here.

Tillysfad · 26/09/2021 13:12

If you were a single parent you'd probably have Saturdays off!

This is the most annoying thing I've read in MN. Who thinks like this. I'm amazed he goes and plays golf every Saturday anyway. What about spending time with his family?

He has to be a very selfish man. Why do you live like this?

Ikeameatballs · 26/09/2021 13:12

@RavenclawsRoar

Well next weekend I'd be leaving the house before him and when he asks who will watch the dc while he golfs I'd say "if you were a single parent you'd have to manage it."

This.

As others have said, I can’t imagine this is anything but the tip of the iceberg.

Sparklesocks · 26/09/2021 13:14

Thats really shitty. He sounds like a very poor husband.

Embroidery · 26/09/2021 13:24

And you'd get half of each school holiday, child free.

6.5 weeks a year.

There's disadvantages as they normally line up a young woman to do their 6.5 weeks a year childrearing for them (live in girlfriend / new hot wife) but I'm used to it now and enjoy the time off.

Temple29 · 26/09/2021 13:27

But you’re not a single parent so why do you have to ‘manage’!

Next Saturday get up and head out early for breakfast alone so he doesn’t have the chance to go golfing. Spend the whole day alone doing whatever you like. Must be so nice for him to have a free day for a hobby every week.

TurnUpTurnip · 26/09/2021 13:28

Laughing at all these assumptions that he will step up and have the kids all the time if she WAS a single parent, many of us don’t get any child free time at all as our ex won’t have the children, what makes everyone so sure this man would? He doesn’t really sound like the type that would

Eddielzzard · 26/09/2021 13:28

You have to fling that line straight back at him at a very opportunistic time. I'd be lining up some all day Saturday activities in the very near future.

Goldbar · 26/09/2021 13:29

Agree with @RavenclawsRoar.

Please, please leave the house before everyone wakes up next Saturday. Go and do something for you, even if it's just reading a book in a cafe or visiting a friend.

Don't answer your phone. If he messages, message back "If you were a single parent, you'd have to manage". Don't go back before bedtime.

Long term, would you prefer to be a single parent if it meant you didn't have to look at his smug face after a nice relaxing day doing his hobby while you've been feeling rough and doing everything at home?

Embroidery · 26/09/2021 13:30

Turn your phone off when you do go out alone next Saturday and tell him you'll be doing it every Saturday from now on 9am until 4pm.

If that doesnt get the point home then I'd consider divorce.

If he comes round then try EOW as a couple? You have every other Sat off.

BiLuminous · 26/09/2021 13:32

Wow, that's really bottom of the barrel to say that. It reminds me of my ex. The behaviour not the remark. He used to just go out to cricket all day then drinking afterwards with no regard for the fact I was sleep deprived with small children and no break day or night.

AhNowTed · 26/09/2021 13:32

Sounds like he considers parenting entirely your responsibility. And gets to fuck off for the day whenever he feels like it.

Eralos · 26/09/2021 13:32

I would be leaving at 9am Next week.

Mumteedum · 26/09/2021 13:33

That's a dangerous argument from him. Is he suggesting there is no benefit to you staying in this'partnership' then? He should think very carefully what he is saying to you and you should too.

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