AIBU to be disappointed with DS's godfather

[applesandbananasandoranges]

My DS had his first holy communion this weekend. Both his godparents are my siblings, as when he was born I thought it would be nice for my family which is quite small with both parents dead and siblings geographically spread out (DH was ok with this, his family all live close by and we see quite a lot of them). My other sibling is godparent to my older child.

The communion date had been changed a couple of times due to Covid and we had just a few weeks notice in the end. One godparent lives overseas and was not able to travel, no issue I wouldn’t expect this, the other godparent was away on holidays.

Overseas godparent sent a lovely card and gift for DS – she has never forgotten a birthday or occasion over the years and seems to enjoy her role. There has been nothing at all though from the other godparent (my DB).

DB and SIL have no DC. SIL is an odd character, she has not wanted much to do with us and DB mostly attends (our infrequent) family gatherings on his own. He himself can be a little distant but he's usually managed to remember DS’s birthday at least.

I’m just a little gobsmacked that there has been zero communication from DB on what is such an important day for my DS. DS hasn’t said anything but I’m sure he’s noticed and is disappointed. We’ve made a fuss of him and he’s had lots of attention from all DH’s family so he’s happy enough I think.

DB might have just forgotten I guess but it’s unlikely.

Should I let DB know (diplomatically) that DS felt let down not to hear from his godfather on his FHC day?
Or should I let it go, accept that I made a poor choice here and be happy that DS has at least one engaged godparent?

Are you a very religious family? Is DB religious? I would never have thought to send anything to a child on their Holy Communion as I'm not religious and wouldn't have thought it was a card and gift giving type of occasion.

Is your DB religiously observant? First Holy Communion is a bit of an odd ceremony and it seems to really vary within families and communities as to how important it is seen as.

I went to my goddaughter's FHC and gave her a small present, but if I hadn't been able to go I don't think I would have sent her a present... it is a religious ceremony not a present-focused one, surely

But your DS doesn't feel let down, you do.

I think it depends what a godparent means to you and if it’s material possessions being given, then you should have taken that into account when deciding who had the role.

Maybe they’ve tried to have children and not been able to? I think you just have to keep quiet.

YABU, I wouldn’t recognise Holy Communication as a really big deal unless you’re a very religious family tbh.

I’m not religious, but I don’t think your DB has done anything wrong and I doubt your DS has even twigged he’s not sent anything.

I think you’ve made this into an ‘important day’ when it’s really not that big a deal for a lot of people.

I’ve never sent anything to mark a Holy Communion, I didn’t even know anyone would have that expectation at all.

Why on earth did you even ask him? You do know god parents are supposed to claim legal guardianship if you were ever to pass away? Why would you ask this of some who is largely disinterested in your family

@LizziesTwin

Maybe they’ve tried to have children and not been able to? I think you just have to keep quiet.

Totally agree, OP it doesn’t sound like you’re that close so there could be all sorts of things happening here.

Yabu

@Evesgarden

Why on earth did you even ask him? You do know god parents are supposed to claim legal guardianship if you were ever to pass away? Why would you ask this of some who is largely disinterested in your family

Not automatically! That’s completely untrue.

Does your DS feel let down? Or are you trying to quilt trip your DB?

This problem is yours not your DS's. You noticed, you have the hump over it. You said yourself, your DS hasn't noticed.
People really need to learn that other people, family included, are not as interested in your kids as you are, harsh but true.

You do know god parents are supposed to claim legal guardianship if you were ever to pass away?

No. This is incorrect. A godparent is there to provide spiritual guidance. A legal guardian is a completely different thing.

Some people just aren't that interested in other people's children.

Maybe he accepted the godfather role out of politeness, not really understanding the level of commitment you were expecting from him.

I'd let it go and let his godfatherly role fade away. After all you have a backup.

We're Roman Catholics, FHC would generally be regarded as a pretty important day/sacrament in a child's life even if you are not particularly religious.

Do people really send cards and gifts for that occasion? It wouldn’t even enter my head to do so.

The FHC thing depends on where you are and community/family norms.
I give FHC cards and money to my cousins/friends children, godchildren get a present and money.
If OPs DS is in a community like that it will be noticable that his peers are showing off what their godparents gave them and he seems to have only one godparent.
OP there is nothing you can do, your not close to your DB and putting pressure on about gifts has never been a good way to improve a relationship.
I think I would just downplay the godfather role to your DS and big up his godmother who is enthusiastic.
There will be a lot of DC whose parents chose friends they are no longer that close to as godparents or in-laws who are now outlaws etc.
He won't be the only one by far.

I agree this is your disappointment not your sons. Is your brother religious? I'm not sure what your SIL being "odd" has to do with it.

It isn't a big deal to anyone outside of your immediate family, its just something nice to watch. They recieved gifts and cards from the people we invited, but wouldn't have noticed anyone missing. Both of mine received their FHC, but it isn't something God Parents get involved in beyond watching and enjoying the party (if there is one) afterwards.

I am a C of E godmother to a Catholic goddaughter. I attended her First Communion and knew it was a big thing, but I didn't give a present as it was a spiritual, not party-type event. I did give a card.
One of her godfathers couldn't attend. I think he emailed back to the invitation saying he hoped the day went well.
Did your DB say anything when he declined the invitation?

I guess he’s the wrong choice. But depends what you want from them. I’m not religious and I’m a god parent, but I’m the worst kind. Nice at the time, but have enough with own kids to manage . The cards and gifts stopped quite quickly I’m afraid. Especially when they moved overseas. Your DS will not know or care. ( How old is he?)

Your son isn't disappointed; you are, and bluntly it's because you realise you might have made a poor choice in choosing DB as a godfather. By all means speak to him but don't project onto your child.

I also would never have thought to give a gift for this.

Did your DB want to be godparent? Did he understand what you were expecting from him?

I agree with PP who said maybe they can’t have children, so could find it difficult to be around them at big family gatherings etc. Or maybe they just don’t want children and aren’t that interested in them.