AIBU to be disappointed with DS's godfather

[applesandbananasandoranges]

My DS had his first holy communion this weekend. Both his godparents are my siblings, as when he was born I thought it would be nice for my family which is quite small with both parents dead and siblings geographically spread out (DH was ok with this, his family all live close by and we see quite a lot of them). My other sibling is godparent to my older child.

The communion date had been changed a couple of times due to Covid and we had just a few weeks notice in the end. One godparent lives overseas and was not able to travel, no issue I wouldn’t expect this, the other godparent was away on holidays.

Overseas godparent sent a lovely card and gift for DS – she has never forgotten a birthday or occasion over the years and seems to enjoy her role. There has been nothing at all though from the other godparent (my DB).

DB and SIL have no DC. SIL is an odd character, she has not wanted much to do with us and DB mostly attends (our infrequent) family gatherings on his own. He himself can be a little distant but he's usually managed to remember DS’s birthday at least.

I’m just a little gobsmacked that there has been zero communication from DB on what is such an important day for my DS. DS hasn’t said anything but I’m sure he’s noticed and is disappointed. We’ve made a fuss of him and he’s had lots of attention from all DH’s family so he’s happy enough I think.

DB might have just forgotten I guess but it’s unlikely.

Should I let DB know (diplomatically) that DS felt let down not to hear from his godfather on his FHC day?
Or should I let it go, accept that I made a poor choice here and be happy that DS has at least one engaged godparent?

I totally get your feelings, a FHC is a big day, but I think you just have to put it down to the fact that it’s a big day for many involved but not for others. Your brother maybe didn’t think or was busy in lead up to his holiday or has just forgotten the etiquette. Is your brother religious? If not fair enough, but even if he is not having kids himself he probably hasn’t thought. Many people stop
Practicing the faith and the significance of religious ceremonies looses some importance. I’d send him some nice photos of the day….but never ever mention a gift, the day isn’t about gifts it’s about your son receiving the Body of Christ and that is the focus. Obviously best wishes are generally offered especially from god parents but if it doesn’t happen then move on, never mention it to your son, just continue to facilitate a healthy relationship between them as you would any family member and remove the emphasis on ‘god parent’ Your son will manage this just fine if you don’t mention it.

Is this your first child op?

Godparents don't ask to be godparents they get asked and some end up saying yes out of politeness, most of them, particularly men then do absolutely nothing towards remembering said child's special occasions or achievements. Ask most men who their godchildren are and they won't know.

Gosh some sanctimonious responses here (quoting the Bible????).

Some posters get it. It's not about the material aspect at all. For me a godparent simply takes an interest in the child they've been asked to take on this role for. They can always decline!

I agree with the PP who said I just need to let the godfatherly aspect of the relationship fade.

YABU

Your DS hasn’t even noticed so stop projecting your disappointment on to him!

Your DB clearly isn’t that bothered about his role as godparent, was he previously enthusiastic and engaged in this stuff or has he always been a bit not bothered by it? If the latter then why would you choose him as godparent in the first place?

The Godparent role is just a token thing imo( and we are, or were RC). None of the 3 dc's godparents do anything in that capacity and I dont expect them to. I have no idea who my godparents are/were.

I sympathise with the general point, OP - of course you want your child's godparents to take an interest in their lives. But the mere fact of making someone a godparent (particularly when they are your sibling anyway so already have a link to the child) is not going to transform their level of engagement. If your brother was not terribly interested in your children before he became your DS's godfather, he was unlikely to become interested just because he said a few words at the font.

He’s an atheist. I asked him to be godfather because he’s a wonderful and loving man who my son adores.

I'm struggling to get my head around someone who asks an atheist to be a godparent because the godparent has to make promises to God. How can you make promises to a deity you don't believe exists?

Your brother is already your child's uncle, and the closeness will always be there anyway (hopefully)

There are some really mean responses here.

It’s a cultural misunderstanding OP- before I married a catholic and ended up with catholic DC I wouldn’t have got it either. And a lot of the responses reflect the culture surrounding free churches and wedding/funeral Christians etc…(no judgement from me I fall into this category myself!)

Your DB has been really rude not acknowledging the day for his godson and given the huge cultural expectations that surround FHC in the Catholic Church I’m not surprised you feel let down.

I understood that if the child was baptised into the Catholic faith, then the Godparent had to be Catholic also. I was brought up a Catholic and First Holy Communion was indeed an occasion to celebrate. My own DC was baptised in our local C of E church, so this wasn't a thing. My own Goddaughter however was baptised a Catholic, and although I am no longer a practising Catholic I recognised the Importance of her FHC, and sent a card and gift, I did not attend however,as in a different country.

^^ Sorry I meant to add that if the Godparent is indeed Catholic as I would presume, then they would be aware of the importance of the occasion.

@applesandbananasandoranges

Gosh some sanctimonious responses here (quoting the Bible????).

Some posters get it. It's not about the material aspect at all. For me a godparent simply takes an interest in the child they've been asked to take on this role for. They can always decline!

I agree with the PP who said I just need to let the godfatherly aspect of the relationship fade.

If it’s not about the materialist aspect, why are you judging him for not sending an acknowledgment of the day?

We're Roman Catholics
You’re Catholic but is your DB? If not then he may not realise the importance.

Also, if they don’t have children themselves is it through choice? Because if not the. Maybe being a Godparent to you DS it’s difficult for him for that reason.

People seem to make some very strange and unsuitable choices of godparents for their DC.
A godparent’s only role is to help oversee the child’s development of their Christian faith.
It is not a social photo opportunity at a family party, or emotional blackmail for future birthday presents - it involves swearing solemn oaths to God, in the presence of the congregation, to assist the parents to raise the child in the faith.
As such, it is inconceivable that a genuine godparent would ignore their godchild’s first Communion - the culmination of all their work and support over the child’s life.
I’m afraid I agree with PPs, OP.
You should have chosen a committed Christian to fulfil this Christian role, and your DB doesn’t seem to fit the bill.
Things are simpler up here in the Church of Scotland. The entire congregation stand and swear to support the parents in their raising of the child. There is a moving rendition of “The Lord bless thee and keep thee” by all present.
The parents are allowed to have a couple of relatives or friends standing beside them during the rite of baptism, but these people make no personal vows, only the parents do.

To all those saying FHC is not important you clearly have no understanding of the religion. It’s hugely important and it is a gift giving occasion. It’s fine not to be religious and even not like Christianity everyone is entitled to their opinions but please don’t dismiss or belittle it.

@Eralos

To all those saying FHC is not important you clearly have no understanding of the religion. It’s hugely important and it is a gift giving occasion. It’s fine not to be religious and even not like Christianity everyone is entitled to their opinions but please don’t dismiss or belittle it.

Why did the op select her brother then? Someone who had a track record of being somewhat remote

You are being ridiculous to expect an atheist to think holy communion is an occasion when they need to send stuff to congratulate your child when they themselves don't believe in any of it.
You didn't chose him for him religious convictions you chose him for other qualities so I would concentrate on them and not convince yourself that any of this is nearly as important to your child as it is to you.

We are more culturally Catholic than spiritually Catholic, but the First Holy Communion is a special day for the children that do it. There is loads of prep at school and Mass, and especially at the moment, it is a big highlight, as there hasn't been much other excitement going on. I can totally understand why you are disappointed.
In Ireland (and in Irish communities in the UK), you would expect a card and a present or a few quid from anyone invited to the day or from relatives or Godparents that couldn't attend.

@Saladovercrispsanyday that’s up to the op. I have no say over that?

I was brought up a Catholic and remember First Holy Communion mainly being about the dress and the big party in the school hall afterwards.

I don’t recall gifts being involved at all. Your DS will recover from this, be brave.

Your DB has maybe realised it’s all a load of old bollocks like most of us do.

First Holy Communion is a massive deal in some communities. And though it is a religious sacrament traditionally the child gets gifts etc, and money. Many the joke about some tight soul still having their Holy Communion money in their old age. I haven't been able to attend two of my godchildren's Communions but definitely acknowledged the day.

I think if your DB was raised RC like you then he would know that the First Holy Communion is important for his Godson, even if he (DB) is no longer a practicing RC. Did you make it very clear when the service was and invite him & SIL to lunch/tea afterwards (whatever the tradition is).

But I don't think you can really say anything without looking bitter and needy, rise above it.

The role of Godparent is very tricky, I am not entirely happy with the choices I made for our DS, two of the GPs, who I genuinely thought would be involved and interested haven't really shown much interest.

But I accepted a GP invitation myself 30+ years ago and to be honest we all moved away from each other and the relationship between families drifted so I haven't been much of a GP myself (have left them something in my Will though, mainly to ease my own conscience .)

Bewildered by some of the responses on here. Firstly, the role of a GP is a religious role not a legal one! The idea is that they will support the parents in raising the child in the Catholic (? I'm assuming OP) faith. There is no presumption the GPs will claim legal guardianship should anything happen to the parents.

Secondly, to the person suggesting the OP was being mercenary by expecting a gift. I thought it was clear they just expected an observation of the importance of the day. I'm sure even a card would have been appreciated.

To the person suggesting it's an odd ritual - I guess it would be to someone not religious. Pointless comment - would you say that to a Muslim or believer in another world faith?

My own take, as a Catholic whose children have made their FHC, is that to many people the role of GP is, these days, largely ceremonial and none of my children's godparents observed the day. They're not religious & wouldn't really have known what was expected of them.

I guess as the GPs are also your siblings it's disappointing your DB didn't do a bit more to observe the day but what can you do? Rightly or wrongly it's often the woman who buys the presents / cards / makes the effort & if your SIL is not close to your family the fact they didn't observe the day is not really surprising.

I'd not worry too much about it. There are people I invited to my wedding I no longer see much but I don't regret decisions made in the past. It is what it is - I'd be philosophical and move on.

Why on earth did you even ask him? You do know god parents are supposed to claim legal guardianship if you were ever to pass away?

Do people honestly really think this?

If I had a penny for every godparent who failed to live up to expectations then I’d be Jeff Bezos.

Unfortunately most people acquiesce out of politeness, attend the christening and perhaps do birthday cards for a few years and then that’s it. The idealised godparent taking a godchild out for teas, paying for their education and then leaving them a country pile really is the stuff of another age. Also some well-off single (and gay!) people I know have grumbled about being asked to be godparents every five minutes.

Clearly the OP is a religious person and has spiritual as opposed to monetary expectations of her db’s godparental role, but sadly I don’t think most people see their duties extending beyond the initial ceremony and christening gift.