AIBU to be disappointed with DS's godfather

[applesandbananasandoranges]

My DS had his first holy communion this weekend. Both his godparents are my siblings, as when he was born I thought it would be nice for my family which is quite small with both parents dead and siblings geographically spread out (DH was ok with this, his family all live close by and we see quite a lot of them). My other sibling is godparent to my older child.

The communion date had been changed a couple of times due to Covid and we had just a few weeks notice in the end. One godparent lives overseas and was not able to travel, no issue I wouldn’t expect this, the other godparent was away on holidays.

Overseas godparent sent a lovely card and gift for DS – she has never forgotten a birthday or occasion over the years and seems to enjoy her role. There has been nothing at all though from the other godparent (my DB).

DB and SIL have no DC. SIL is an odd character, she has not wanted much to do with us and DB mostly attends (our infrequent) family gatherings on his own. He himself can be a little distant but he's usually managed to remember DS’s birthday at least.

I’m just a little gobsmacked that there has been zero communication from DB on what is such an important day for my DS. DS hasn’t said anything but I’m sure he’s noticed and is disappointed. We’ve made a fuss of him and he’s had lots of attention from all DH’s family so he’s happy enough I think.

DB might have just forgotten I guess but it’s unlikely.

Should I let DB know (diplomatically) that DS felt let down not to hear from his godfather on his FHC day?
Or should I let it go, accept that I made a poor choice here and be happy that DS has at least one engaged godparent?

@PuppyMonkey

I was brought up a Catholic and remember First Holy Communion mainly being about the dress and the big party in the school hall afterwards.

I don’t recall gifts being involved at all. Your DS will recover from this, be brave.

Your DB has maybe realised it’s all a load of old bollocks like most of us do.

That's why I quickly dropped my Catholic upbringing too. I remember the Holy Communion being all about the party and the gifts. Totally materialistic and judging by this post, not a lot has changed...

Hard to decline though isn't it.

@LawnFever

Historically and originally the role of god parent amongst other things IS to step in and take over care of children should something happen to the parents.

Yanbu at all. I'm not Catholic (I'm a Christian though) but I know that first holy communion is a massive thing to the child, the parents and should be to the godparents too. It isn't a big deal to other relatives, especially if they aren't Catholic but a godparent is meant to be a spiritual guide to the child and important faith related things like this should be really important to them. I'm not a godparent as I've never been asked but I think they are a very important person in the child's life. Mind you, I don't get why you would have an atheist as godparent. It would be like having Cruella de Vil working for the rspca.

OP my DH is from a Catholic family. His 6 brothers & sisters are all still very religious but he is not. Back in 1985 he was godfather to one of his brother's children, mainly because it seemed expected and he did it to keep the peace. But over the years he has played no greater role in that nephew's life than in the lives of any of his other nephews & nieces

despite some of the replies misunderstanding the concept of fhc, I think the real point is if someone fucks up, should op gently point it out or not?

we've had a few GPs drop out along the way, and have forgiven and forgotten. One actually resigned!!
some people just can't take the responsibility, or they have a change of heart, marry someone atheist and realise religions not for them, loads of reasons. being RC is particularly prone to this imo.

could you post some photos on a family WhatsApp and see if that prompts a message from him, or use an intermediary, if your dm is still around, or another family member, to gently remind him?

[quote ThanksIGotItInMorrisons]@LawnFever

Historically and originally the role of god parent amongst other things IS to step in and take over care of children should something happen to the parents.[/quote]
“Historically”

Rather different to “legal claim to guardianship”

If the Communion just happened and the Godfather is on holiday, it's quite possible he'll visit or send a card once he's returned home, traditionally Communion cards have cash in them so he might prefer to hand it over in person. You know he's always been a bit distant so his behaviour is in character but you're dismissing him without giving him much of an opportunity to react to the Communion. He might have forgot with all the covid rescheduling.

I would lower my expectations but also sending him photos from the day might remind him and you might get a card in the near future.

You’ve chosen someone who doesn’t care, as a God Parent. Just because you give them a made up church title doesn’t suddenly mean they will care, and make an effort.

You’ve made a bad choice, but it would be outrageous to make a fuss to your brother. Just accept that you made the wrong choice, and suck it up.

Most folk wouldn't send a card unless they were attending or were very religious. Let it go. It would be really rude to comment.

Honestly op. I count myself as RC and my son attends a catholic school and made his first communion last weekend. It was a nice day but I don't pretend that it's the big deal that it would have been if we were more devout. We don't attend mass every Sunday which by the sound of things you don't either. Thinking that your brother should make a big deal of it is a little much really. It's not a big deal unless you're devout yourself .

Thanks for all the responses, in particular the more thoughtful ones who understand that FHC is as much a cultural rite of passage as a religious occasion. As one PP suggested I may give a gentle prompt by sharing some photos etc.

If you are RC and Irish or an Irish background, it is a huge event . Family and friends are expected to give something. Especially godparents.

@applesandbananasandoranges

Gosh some sanctimonious responses here (quoting the Bible????).

Some posters get it. It's not about the material aspect at all. For me a godparent simply takes an interest in the child they've been asked to take on this role for. They can always decline!

I agree with the PP who said I just need to let the godfatherly aspect of the relationship fade.

How is quoting the bible in relation to a religious situation sanctimonious?

Make your mind up, it’s either about the fact your DB sent no present or card, or it’s spiritual and non materialistic.

Either way if your DB isn’t religious YABU to put these expectations on him just because you are.

@Powertoyou

If you are RC and Irish or an Irish background, it is a huge event . Family and friends are expected to give something. Especially godparents.

An expectation of giving something is a strangely materialistic way of marking a spiritual event, shouldn’t it be about the thought than the money?

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Do people really send cards and gifts for that occasion? It wouldn’t even enter my head to do so.

Then maybe never agree to become a godparent.

I sympathise OP

In general, Godparents can see their role as token and many parents would agree with that too

However, if you are all practicing Catholics, it is a much bigger deal and especially for FCH. Did he even reply?

Has your DS said anything or are you actually more hurt?

I wouldn't say anything, what good would it do?