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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset MIL hasn’t invited us for Christmas?

69 replies

Nahhh · 25/09/2021 18:53

DP is usually working Christmas but this year he’s off. My DC are with their dad and I was feeling pretty down about not seeing them.

DP messaged his mum today to see what she was planning so we could arrange to do something together and it turns out she’s booked a restaurant for her, DSIL, DNiece and DP’s grandparents without thinking of asking us.

AIBU to feel a little hurt?

OP posts:
nyktipolos · 25/09/2021 18:54

Do you normally spend Christmas with her?

mrsbyers · 25/09/2021 18:56

Your DP usually works , unless he’s told her prior to today then it’s on him for not communicating

Original poster
Nahhh · 25/09/2021 18:57

Do you normally spend Christmas with her?

No because DP is usually working. We did have a chat with her over the summer though about what her plans were (she said nothing at that point) and she was aware DP wouldn’t be working this year.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 25/09/2021 18:57

Did she know he was off?

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/09/2021 18:58

x-posted.

Yes, that would be considered shitty in my family.

ShinyMe · 25/09/2021 18:58

Is there any reason why you can't say "ooh, that sounds lovely! We're actually free this year for once, would you mind if we joined you?"

Palegreenstars · 25/09/2021 18:59

It’s September surely she could add you on

Autumngoldleaf · 25/09/2021 18:59

I can't imagine not inviting my dc to stuff, inviting one and not the other!!

However it's what dh dp have done.

People fall out... I'd be very hurt if I was your dp.

Original poster
Nahhh · 25/09/2021 19:00

The restaurant is fully booked. Madness, I know!

OP posts:
Spikeyplants · 25/09/2021 19:00

YABU to think she can read your mind the automatically know that this year DH isn't working!!!

Maybe the SIL booked/suggested the restaurant?

Given the scenario, I've expect them to phone the restaurant and see if they can accommodate the 2 of you also. Did your DH ask if they could do that, or offer to call the restaurant yourselves?

Spikeyplants · 25/09/2021 19:00

Sorry, X post about it being fully booked.

fuzzymoomin · 25/09/2021 19:00

She probably assumed you would have your kids and would stay at home with them? Instead of being upset about it why not suggest that you join them!

Bananarama21 · 25/09/2021 19:01

It comez across like you wanting her to host you in your op and your mil wants to go out and enjoy her dinner without hosting surely you can ask to add on to guest list if your prepared to pay its only September

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 25/09/2021 19:04

I voted yabu because for some reason I read that as mil going to dinner with her sister's family and her own parents, rather than with your DP's sister, so sorry, I changed my mind and yanbu.
Bright side, it means you have no obligation or need to feel guilt going forward as you make your own plans

Original poster
Nahhh · 25/09/2021 19:05

It comez across like you wanting her to host you in your op and your mil wants to go out and enjoy her dinner without hosting surely you can ask to add on to guest list if your prepared to pay its only Septembe

Apologies, this isn’t what I meant. I’m happy to go with the flow - we just didn’t expect to be left on the river bank with no way to hop in the water!

OP posts:
AuntyMabelandPippin · 25/09/2021 19:05

Just the two of you? I'd love it!

Snacky stuff and a couple of bottles of lovely wine.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 25/09/2021 19:07

Did you tell her you might want to spend it with her? Could she have presumed that you’d want to spend it as a couple, if you don’t have your children and DP is rarely off?

Or maybe the restaurant didn’t have enough spaces left? Round here, restaurants are taking bookings bigger than 6, and there’s a fair few that are only offering tables for 2/4 now…

Either way, it’s not unreasonable to be upset, but it might not have been malicious and it probably wasn’t intended to be, if she’s not usually like that.

Ambo21 · 25/09/2021 19:11

The fact that your other half normally works over Christmas, your mother in law probably thought that THIS Christmas would be really special for you as a couple since the kids are away..
So why dont you take it as that and do something special... just the two of you...🎄🎄❤❤

Fluffycloudland77 · 25/09/2021 19:20

We spend every Christmas alone and it’s really nice. I still cook a Christmas lunch and put a nice dress on.

It’s not as bad as you think.

Returnoftheowl · 25/09/2021 19:23

If she knew in advance that your DH wasn't working and has then gone ahead and booked plans that exclude you then I'd be hurt.

She's shown you exactly where you & her son come in her mental pecking order.

thevassal · 25/09/2021 19:31

Sounds ideal to me! Not having to worry about family drama, or plans changing last minute because of covid, just the two of you to do whatever you want with. I'd have a lie in and then just have easy (but treats) christmas party food, chill with your presents, tv and lots of alcohol. Go for a nice walk if it's sunny or do something you'd never usually do like a christmas swim! You could even take the opportunity to go on holiday somewhere, or volunteer for the day.

Then make plans with family/friends for the day before/after. If you want a traditional christmas meal most places serve exactly the same menu on the 23rd/27th for about a quarter of the price.

godmum56 · 25/09/2021 19:31

but how fabulous! you and DP doing exactly what you like when you like. You can have second christmas with your children either before or after the 25th as well!! win win win

Cryalot2 · 25/09/2021 19:34

Sorry you feel like this. But if you had wanted your dh should have said something direct sooner.
Perhaps she thought you might enjoy time together.
Just a thought.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 25/09/2021 19:36

I would just enjoy it, OP. We have the awkward treat of informing MIL we shan't be spending this year with her either, as we want to spend it at home, just us. Can't wait for that fucking convo!
Ugh, why are we ingrained with this feeling of owing other people Christmas and why do others feel we owe it to them? It's absolute horse shit. I want to spend my Christmas the way I want to spend it!

nyktipolos · 25/09/2021 19:43

Its really hard to judge.

Because if she is spending Christmas with who she normally would, I can understand how she just went ahead and booked. Even knowing he was off.

You spoke in June, but unless one if your explicitly said 'we would like to spend Christmas with you', she may have assumed you would have said if you wanted to spend Christmas with her and thought you actually wanted it alone together.

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