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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask her to babysit alone

74 replies

Jshdhxuciehdngk · 25/09/2021 16:48

So for my birthday in a month or so DH has bought me tickets for a show. We were going to have a few drinks, see the show and then stay in a hotel to make a night of it.
My 2.5 year old DD was going to go to my mums house for a sleepover. All good
However, my mum has recently started seeing someone, they've been together a few months and he stays over quite regularly. I have not met this man
I feel very uncomfortable with the thought of my DD staying over when he is there. The thought of a strange man in the house overnight with my DD just makes me so uncomfortable.
Would Ibu to ask my mum to look after DD that night without her new bf there and how would I go about this conversation without causing offences

OP posts:
Shelddd · 25/09/2021 16:52

Definitely not unreasonable to be concerned. Depending on your relationship it might be easier to get someone else to babysit as your mother may just lie to you or get upset but if you think neither of those will happen than go ahead. It's your child you definitely have complete right to control who has access especially overnight access to her.

Floralnomad · 25/09/2021 16:54

Why do you think your mum has such poor judgement ?

Olivegreenstrawberries · 25/09/2021 16:54

Can't you suggest to meet him before hand.

Original poster
Jshdhxuciehdngk · 25/09/2021 16:57

She has shown very poor judgment with her previous choice of partners - I once got a visit from SS as her boyfriend at the time was a danger to children and they were concerned about him having access to my child.
I've never met this new boyfriend but no I don't trust her judgment of people at all

OP posts:
MzHz · 25/09/2021 16:58

Why not invite them over for a cuppa tea or a drink and a pizza beforehand?

You’re being a bit precious and deliberately so.

MzHz · 25/09/2021 16:58

X post

Meet him first and see what you and dh think, if you’re still not sure, find someone else to look after your dc

Dinoroaraus · 25/09/2021 16:59

Is there anyone else you can ask? I wouldn't trust her not to let her partner round even if you'd objected.

Dinoroaraus · 25/09/2021 17:00

You’re being a bit precious and deliberately so. I thought this initially then read the update.

Original poster
Jshdhxuciehdngk · 25/09/2021 17:01

Not anyone that would look after DD overnight, would mean that we would have to cancel the hotel and come home after the show. Obviously this isn't a major issue, and may be what we end up doing

OP posts:
Shelddd · 25/09/2021 17:01

I'm concerned so many people think you're overreacting. Attitudes like this are probably why abuse is so widespread.

Dinoroaraus · 25/09/2021 17:04

@Jshdhxuciehdngk

Not anyone that would look after DD overnight, would mean that we would have to cancel the hotel and come home after the show. Obviously this isn't a major issue, and may be what we end up doing
I'd do that personally.
TheBeautifulMoors · 25/09/2021 17:06

@Shelddd

I'm concerned so many people think you're overreacting. Attitudes like this are probably why abuse is so widespread.
^this
Withgasoliiiiine · 25/09/2021 17:08

How is she about the SS incident? Would she be understanding if you just laid out your concerns in the context of that and said 'I'm sure New Guy is fine, it's not personal, but what happened with Old Guy shows we can't be too careful. I really appreciate you looking after DD but would you mind New Guy please not being there overnight until we have all known him a bit longer?' Makes clear it isn't personal, just a general safeguard.

amylou8 · 25/09/2021 17:10

I think you need to find someone else to babysit or cancel. If you don't trust your Mum's judgement with the new BF then your daughter shouldn't be left with him overnight. Unless you can completely trust your Mum not to tell you he won't be there and then have him there anyway don't leave your daughter with her.

Ledition · 25/09/2021 17:11

I would definitely ask her to do it alone - could you trust her word though? I would never expose my DDs to random men overnight, far far too risky. If you can't be sure she'll listen then I'd find someone else. YANBU

Original poster
Jshdhxuciehdngk · 25/09/2021 17:11

She was very upset about the SS incident, called me crying saying she felt so guilty and it was all her fault etc however she did not stop seeing him.
She's quite a difficult person to manage, she loves my DD more than anything and is an amazing grandma but she can be very difficult. Has very extreme emotional reactions to things she perceives as incorrect behaviour from other adults

OP posts:
Ledition · 25/09/2021 17:12

It doesn't matter if you meet him or not, like pps are suggesting, that doesn't negate any risk.

timesachangin · 25/09/2021 17:13

I disagree with those who'd suggest you meet the man first... are they expecting him to walk in wearing a "hi I'm a peado" t shirt?

You'd want to get to know him across several months perhaps years given the history.

I think it's fair enough to ask your mum that the man isn't there, but as she's doing you a favour it's just as fair enough if she refuses.

Then I'm afraid I'd find an alternative or cancel.

WorraLiberty · 25/09/2021 17:14

@Jshdhxuciehdngk

She has shown very poor judgment with her previous choice of partners - I once got a visit from SS as her boyfriend at the time was a danger to children and they were concerned about him having access to my child. I've never met this new boyfriend but no I don't trust her judgment of people at all
See now this ^^ should really have been in your opening post.

Why didn't it occur to you people might need to know that before voting/commenting? Confused

LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 25/09/2021 17:14

Did she finish with the guy SS contacted you about as soon as she knew he was a potential danger?

Holskey · 25/09/2021 17:14

Yanbu but would you have to ask this of someone you really trusted?

timesachangin · 25/09/2021 17:14

I wonder if she'd consider a clare's law check? Although it probably wouldn't be completed in time now and doesn't necessarily negate all risk

Maryann1975 · 25/09/2021 17:15

Is this what ‘Sarahs law’ is for? I think a parent has the right to check with the police if someone is suitable to be around their children? You can’t ask for information about anyone but it might be worth checking if a grandparents new partner is eligible for a check if you are concerned.

LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 25/09/2021 17:16

Just saw you answered if she had finished with that man.

Honestly, I wouldn't be leaving someone with that little judgement with my kid at all.

She sounds quite manipulative with the crying about it being her fault, probably so you comfort her, but then not finishing with him.

I would only allow her to see your dd under your supervision.

For the show I would get a babysitter and come home afterwards.

MichelleScarn · 25/09/2021 17:16

She was very upset about the SS incident, called me crying saying she felt so guilty and it was all her fault etc however she did not stop seeing him.

That would be enough for me to say no. She didn't stop seeing him?!