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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask her to babysit alone

74 replies

Jshdhxuciehdngk · 25/09/2021 16:48

So for my birthday in a month or so DH has bought me tickets for a show. We were going to have a few drinks, see the show and then stay in a hotel to make a night of it.
My 2.5 year old DD was going to go to my mums house for a sleepover. All good
However, my mum has recently started seeing someone, they've been together a few months and he stays over quite regularly. I have not met this man
I feel very uncomfortable with the thought of my DD staying over when he is there. The thought of a strange man in the house overnight with my DD just makes me so uncomfortable.
Would Ibu to ask my mum to look after DD that night without her new bf there and how would I go about this conversation without causing offences

OP posts:
cushioncovers · 25/09/2021 17:17

Definitely not bu. This is a stranger who will have access to your child. You don't need to feel awkward about feeling protective towards your child. You won't enjoy your night away if you are worrying about it. The options as I see it are to ask someone else. Meet the man and see what you think or ask your mum outright to babysit sit alone.

GemmaRuby · 25/09/2021 17:18

I don’t think I would let her look after DD ever personally after she didn’t finish with the danger to children guy.
Did she expect you to allow DD to see the old boyfriend?

Original poster
Jshdhxuciehdngk · 25/09/2021 17:18

He has a few kids of his own. I think the youngest is about 8 and he has full custody so it's not obvious that he would be a risk. And I'm not saying that he definitely is but you just never know.
I didn't put all the info in my OP as I wanted unbiased opinions on if other people would allow their child to stay overnight in a house with an unknown adult or if I was just being paranoid because of her previous partners

OP posts:
GemmaRuby · 25/09/2021 17:19

If he has full custody how does he manage to stay at your DMs so often?

Youdoyoutoday · 25/09/2021 17:20

@Jshdhxuciehdngk

She was very upset about the SS incident, called me crying saying she felt so guilty and it was all her fault etc however she did not stop seeing him. She's quite a difficult person to manage, she loves my DD more than anything and is an amazing grandma but she can be very difficult. Has very extreme emotional reactions to things she perceives as incorrect behaviour from other adults
She didn't stop seeing a man who was a danger to kids???? WTAF have I just read??

I wouldn't have her in my life let alone my child's!!!

Original poster
Jshdhxuciehdngk · 25/09/2021 17:21

@GemmaRuby I don't know tbh. This is just the picture I've gotten from little bits of info my mum has said but again I haven't met him so I don't know his situation

OP posts:
InFiveMins · 25/09/2021 17:22

I wouldn't feel comfortable with this at all and wouldn't let her babysit your DD full stop as I'd be worried she would agree to babysit alone but then have the man over.

Original poster
Jshdhxuciehdngk · 25/09/2021 17:23

Yeah the SS incident was a bad time, she kind of took the opinion that she kept him and my DD separate so it didn't matter as they would never be together.
I went NC for a while because of this but got drawn back in when she was having health problems (after she had broken up with the ex)

OP posts:
GalaxyPostcard · 25/09/2021 17:23

I'd just come home after the gig. Sounds like she's unlikely to listen if you say no to her DP being there regardless, and I wouldn't trust her.

Mrsjayy · 25/09/2021 17:23

I'd get her to stay at yours say you don't want the boyfriend there as you have not met him, if she umms and ahhs then you have your answer, but say ASAP so you can cancel your hotel if you need to come home.

Floralnomad · 25/09/2021 17:25

@Jshdhxuciehdngk

She has shown very poor judgment with her previous choice of partners - I once got a visit from SS as her boyfriend at the time was a danger to children and they were concerned about him having access to my child. I've never met this new boyfriend but no I don't trust her judgment of people at all
Then I wouldn’t be leaving my child overnight with her at all .
Mrsjayy · 25/09/2021 17:29

I mean your Dd isn't 3 yet so the ex boyfriend and Ss incident is recent you should tell her you don't want the new man staying, it doesn't matter if he has his own kids etc etc you don't know him and you certainly can't trust your mums judgement in men.

timesachangin · 25/09/2021 17:32

@Jshdhxuciehdngk

He has a few kids of his own. I think the youngest is about 8 and he has full custody so it's not obvious that he would be a risk. And I'm not saying that he definitely is but you just never know. I didn't put all the info in my OP as I wanted unbiased opinions on if other people would allow their child to stay overnight in a house with an unknown adult or if I was just being paranoid because of her previous partners
It's relevant though because if it were my mum (whose had one very normal very lovely boyfriend) had a new boyfriend and this was happening I'd be totally fine with it because I trust her judgement.
Saladovercrispsanyday · 25/09/2021 17:37

@Jshdhxuciehdngk

She has shown very poor judgment with her previous choice of partners - I once got a visit from SS as her boyfriend at the time was a danger to children and they were concerned about him having access to my child. I've never met this new boyfriend but no I don't trust her judgment of people at all
Ffs

Why the heck are you leaving your toddler with her overnight in the first place?

Notaroadrunner · 25/09/2021 17:38

@Jshdhxuciehdngk

Yeah the SS incident was a bad time, she kind of took the opinion that she kept him and my DD separate so it didn't matter as they would never be together. I went NC for a while because of this but got drawn back in when she was having health problems (after she had broken up with the ex)
You've had reason to go NC with your mother in the past, due to her relationship with an 'unsavoury' character, yet here you are thinking of leaving your dc with her overnight? I'm sorry but all contact, if any, would be supervised if it were me. I wouldn't trust her to leave my cat with overnight.
Saladovercrispsanyday · 25/09/2021 17:40

Op

You are being totally and utterly irresponsible to even consider leaving your child overnight with her.

And don’t even get me started on her new partner

ChargingBuck · 25/09/2021 17:45

She was very upset about the SS incident, called me crying saying she felt so guilty and it was all her fault etc however she did not stop seeing him.

& what are the chances she'll cry & tell you all about her guilt, then just let her new man stay over anyway?

Even if she agreed to him not staying overnight & you could trust that, how would it be any better? If he's dodgy, he's as dodgy at 6pm as at 1am ...

toocold54 · 25/09/2021 17:45

I don’t think YABU at all although I would be concerned that she would say he’s not going to be there and then he ends up staying there. Do you think she would do this?

Honestly if you are in any doubt I don’t think you are going to sleep well anyway so maybe cancel the hotel and try again in a few months time.

myheartskippedabeat · 25/09/2021 17:46

You say she has shown poor judgement in the past

What has changed????

Don't do this I wouldn't if she seems to attract horrible men

Your a parent and your ultimate responsibility is to your child - they should be your top priority not going to a show and staying over in hotels

I'd cancel and book something suitable so you can't take her with you

RedMarauder · 25/09/2021 17:48

@GemmaRuby

I don’t think I would let her look after DD ever personally after she didn’t finish with the danger to children guy. Did she expect you to allow DD to see the old boyfriend?
This is why I voted YABU.

OP if you don't trust your mum's choice of boyfriends and you can't trust her judgement of people, then you should never ever allow her to look after any of your children on her own.

This is because a "mere friend' of hers who "pops in for a minute" could be an abuser.

Original poster
Jshdhxuciehdngk · 25/09/2021 17:58

Just to reassure you all she hasn't had DD alone since I found out about everything from SS. She has always been with either myself, DH or she's taken DD out with my sister.
This was going to be the first night away DD had which was agreed when at the time she was single and I thought she had come to her senses

OP posts:
Nowomenaroundeh · 25/09/2021 18:06

OP I would have made this request already based on your daughter being very young and at a sleepover needing everything as normal as possible. Any stranger is a bad idea.

Based on your updates I would never leave your mother alone with your child.

ThorsLeftNut · 25/09/2021 18:09

@Shelddd

I'm concerned so many people think you're overreacting. Attitudes like this are probably why abuse is so widespread.
I agree, even without the guest update AND if I trusted my kind judgement - I still wouldn’t feel comfortable with my children spending the night in a house with a complete stranger to me!
Gilly12345 · 25/09/2021 18:11

Is there any one else you could ask for the favour, or suggest to your Mum for you to meet the new boyfriend soon?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/09/2021 18:19

@Jshdhxuciehdngk

Just to reassure you all she hasn't had DD alone since I found out about everything from SS. She has always been with either myself, DH or she's taken DD out with my sister. This was going to be the first night away DD had which was agreed when at the time she was single and I thought she had come to her senses
Based on your updates I wouldn't be giving her unsupervised visits definitely not overnights as this is all relatively recently. She showed poor judgement then maintained a relationship with someone she was told could be a potential threat to your child. So she blew it really, in my opinion, as harsh as that sounds. Especially as your little one is still of an age where they can't articulate themselves too much or navigate awkwardness - they are much too vulnerable to be alone with a stranger and / or someone with previous for enabling people of risk to have access to your family.