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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask her to babysit alone

74 replies

Jshdhxuciehdngk · 25/09/2021 16:48

So for my birthday in a month or so DH has bought me tickets for a show. We were going to have a few drinks, see the show and then stay in a hotel to make a night of it.
My 2.5 year old DD was going to go to my mums house for a sleepover. All good
However, my mum has recently started seeing someone, they've been together a few months and he stays over quite regularly. I have not met this man
I feel very uncomfortable with the thought of my DD staying over when he is there. The thought of a strange man in the house overnight with my DD just makes me so uncomfortable.
Would Ibu to ask my mum to look after DD that night without her new bf there and how would I go about this conversation without causing offences

OP posts:

satci · 25/09/2021 18:21

@Shelddd

I'm concerned so many people think you're overreacting. Attitudes like this are probably why abuse is so widespread.

Statistically I think it is 79 times more likely this daughter would be abused by someone she knew rather than a strange man for the first meeting. I don't think I'd trust your mother to babysit if you don't feel you can keep your daughter safe.

QueeniesCroft · 25/09/2021 18:22

I don't think the boyfriend is the problem- the real issue is your mother.
She can't be trusted to keep your daughter safe, and I think the sensible thing to do is to find another babysitter and come home after the show.

Floralnomad · 25/09/2021 18:23

Can your sister not look after your child overnight

Comedycook · 25/09/2021 18:26

If I were you I'd ask a trusted friend or get a paid for babysitter and come home afterwards. Your mum's judgment is poor...I wouldn't be at all happy with her babysitting

Merryoldgoat · 25/09/2021 18:31

Even if she says ‘fine - I’ll stay alone that night’ can you be confident she will stick to it?

RedMarauder · 25/09/2021 18:44

@Merryoldgoat

Even if she says ‘fine - I’ll stay alone that night’ can you be confident she will stick to it?

She may stay alone but if a "mere friend" pops round is she going to not invite them in?

This "friend" could be any sex and get up to any inappropriate behaviour around the child as the OP's mother is such a poor judge of people's character.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 25/09/2021 22:02

She was very upset about the SS incident, called me crying saying she felt so guilty and it was all her fault etc however she did not stop seeing him.

The second part of her response completely negates the first part - she didn't really feel guilty or intend to take any responsibility, did she? Any sane person would immediately have broken up with him, not continued seeing a man who was a known danger to children (how could anyone find a man like that attractive any more!?). I agree with PPs that you can never leave your child unsupervised with her.

@satci

Statistically I think it is 79 times more likely this daughter would be abused by someone she knew rather than a strange man for the first meeting.

I think for the purpose of those statistics he does count as "someone the daughter knows" - he is her grandmother's partner, not some randomer on the street.

Saoirse82 · 25/09/2021 22:42

@Shelddd

I'm concerned so many people think you're overreacting. Attitudes like this are probably why abuse is so widespread.

Exactly. I wouldn't trust a stranger with my child over night, no way! And meeting for a cup of tea would not be long enough to get to know someone either. Someone needs to earn my trust when it comes to my children, they are far too precious for me to take any chances.

Shelddd · 25/09/2021 22:44

@Outfoxedbyrabbits

She was very upset about the SS incident, called me crying saying she felt so guilty and it was all her fault etc however she did not stop seeing him.

@satci

Statistically I think it is 79 times more likely this daughter would be abused by someone she knew rather than a strange man for the first meeting.

I think for the purpose of those statistics he does count as "someone the daughter knows" - he is her grandmother's partner, not some randomer on the street.

Yes absolutely he would be included in that statistic.

Even if he wouldn't on first visit, he will start the grooming process and if his intent is to groom her over a period of time he likely will be very nice to her and OPs mother so would likely allow them to continue babysitting.

DammedifIdo · 26/09/2021 08:10

I wouldn't let her stay. I think your Mum will have him anyway as she will be missing out on him staying over and if she has extreme reactions she won't take you asking her very well. You need to put DD first, not your mums desire to look after her

DammedifIdo · 26/09/2021 08:12

Maybe when you get to know him it will change but I wouldn't let her stay just yet

PurpleFlower1983 · 26/09/2021 08:13

I would cancel the hotel.

Jumpingintosummer · 26/09/2021 08:13

Could your sister help?

Mrstamborineman · 26/09/2021 08:22

Don’t bother meeting him to gauge things. Paedophiles don’t all give off vibes. They enjoy deceiving people.
Just tell your mum it has been cancelled. If you ask her to babysit alone, there is no way of knowing she will, until the next day. Then you, quite rightly, would be monumentally pissed off. Plan ahead and rearrange.

Looubylou · 26/09/2021 08:26

Sadly, due to the continued relationship with a man considered a risk to children, she would not be babysitting my child outside of my home, if at all, and definately not on evenings/nights. Get another sitter and cancel hotel if you have to.

Saladovercrispsanyday · 26/09/2021 08:27

@Jshdhxuciehdngk

Just to reassure you all she hasn't had DD alone since I found out about everything from SS. She has always been with either myself, DH or she's taken DD out with my sister. This was going to be the first night away DD had which was agreed when at the time she was single and I thought she had come to her senses

Not a single detail of any of your posts is reassuring

So instead of easing back in with a few hours and you local

You decided to go for an overnight hotel stay etc for your first babysitting since the ss incident

My mind boggles

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 26/09/2021 08:33

I wouldn't leave her with your mum after reading all your posts op.

What about a babysitting service, all their staff are fully vetted and I know one of our local ones has offered an in home, over night service in the past, so maybe you have one local that may?

TweetyPieBird · 26/09/2021 08:49

@Jshdhxuciehdngk

She has shown very poor judgment with her previous choice of partners - I once got a visit from SS as her boyfriend at the time was a danger to children and they were concerned about him having access to my child. I've never met this new boyfriend but no I don't trust her judgment of people at all

Bit of a drip feed! If I were you, I wouldn’t leave my dc with your dm at all, not even during the day. Find someone responsible and trustworthy to look after your Dd.

lgty · 27/09/2021 08:41

I totally understand your concerns and I think your are right In not wanting your mum to babysit.

My suggestions are;

Is there a babysitter you usually use that could stay overnight?
As others have mentioned what about asking your sister to help?
Do you have any friends that could come and stay overnight with your DD or that she could stay with them?
Does your DD go to nursery, if so, are there any members of staff that could come and stay overnight for you?
Do any of your friends know of any babysitters that could stay overnight.

Failing all this I would cancel the hotel and book a babysitter for the evening and come home after the show.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 27/09/2021 08:49

Whether this man is there or not, there is no way I would be leaving my child with someone who is prepared to carry on seeing someone despite SS involvement.

Your mother makes poor choices, and can't safeguard children. Why would you even consider leaving your child with her?

leavesthataregreen · 27/09/2021 08:53

Be very direct. Say on that night please would she promise not to invite anyone over. Say that you feel uneasy about her new man and DD. If she gets upset remind her that she is a trusting person and no one guessed about her very dangerous ex so it's reasonable of you to ask. Say it's also fine if she doesn't agree, but in that case you'll make other arrangements.

billy1966 · 27/09/2021 09:57

Not a chance I would leave a child with someone like you have described your mother.

She sounds like a manipulative bully.

Do not have her minding your child.

She is not trustworthy and she lacks judgement.

LC is better with people like your mother.

She stayed with someone who brought SS into your lives?

Unbelievable.

Based on this alone I doubt she was a stable, devoted mother during your childhood, who has always been supportive?

She puts her love life ahead of you and her grandchild?

She shouldn't be minding your child.

hardboiledeggs · 27/09/2021 10:01

Your not unreasonable, how many times have children been molested by someone very well known to the family never mind someone you barely and your DM (let’s face it) barely knows.

hardboiledeggs · 27/09/2021 10:01

If she agrees to watch your child alone, she won’t, the BF will be there. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

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