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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To confirm the date with him?

89 replies

Lizzie523 · 25/09/2021 12:57

Met a guy online after many messages/filtering and declining a few requests to meet from others. His messages have been very thoughtful and although I initially went quiet he persevered with getting to know me at a comfortable pace.

He asked me out and I accepted. He asked what time is best for me and I said Sunday (but ended up making it look like I meant Monday). When I clarified he replied saying he'd happily meet on either of those days and that he knew a few nice places we could go.

I then gave him my number, asking him to firm up plans by phone or whatsapp and he said he would add me there. It's Sat now and I've heard nothing since Thurs night.

I still have a good initial feeling about him and still want to see him, but I thought he might have been in touch by now. Plus I want to make other plans if it isn't happening. AIBU to contact him firming up a time and place?

OP posts:
Sea62648 · 26/09/2021 09:24

I think go and see what he's like in person. Then decide whether or not to see him again after

BlondieFondie33 · 26/09/2021 09:26

I think it sounds like too much hard work @Lizzie523. I met loads of ‘men’ like this when I was dating, it’s just so much hard work. I might still be too cynical but to me ‘phone issues’ is an excuse and he was probably out with someone else, which is fine in itself but don’t lie about the phone issue. If he had said I’m really sorry for the late response, 12 is too early for me but how does 1 o’clock at this venue sound to you it would have been better. I would probably still reply cuz I’m a glutton for punishment and just say yeah that’s fine for me, where shall we meet, I’m
Happy with anywhere. If he either takes ages to respond or starts trying to go back and forward on where to meet I’d sack it off which I know is disappointing

moomin11 · 26/09/2021 09:32

From what you've said I would probably not bother with him, when I was using online dating sites the few people I met up with were keen to meet up and the ones that seemed to go hot and cold I just left well alone. If he really wants to meet you it shouldn't be hard work at this stage.

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 26/09/2021 09:35

@Sea62648 @BlondieFondie33 yes I think I'm leaning towards meeting him!

I have plans this afternoon but not evening when he has asked to meet. Id rather meet him for a drink than do nothing this time. And I woke up feeling fine about it all this morning, so I'm not really invested.

If he ghosts between now and the evening obviously I sack him off! But it is a drink, not a commitment.

OP posts:
furbabymama87 · 26/09/2021 09:39

I'd just reply " yeah sure" to his suggestion to meet an hour later and leave him to suggest a place firm up the rest of the plans. Maybe it's worth meeting to see what he's like in person, but if you're getting vibes he's not interested, I wouldn't waste my time. I feel like he's talking to a few women and casually suggesting dates. When I was dating, I'd only meet if we were in regular contact and I felt that there was something between us.

egglette · 26/09/2021 09:42

I'd go for it. The thing with OLD is you can get on like a house on fire over messages, and then find in person you just don't really click. Or vice versa. The sooner you get to meeting up I think the better.

I don't quite follow these posts saying that he's the one who should be making the effort, and that he might not be that interested. If it's about sorting the wheat from the chaff and not wasting your time on people where it's unlikely to turn into anything, isn't it better to just be direct and see where that gets you? If he continues to flake then you can leave it there; if you meet up and he's fine you take it from there?

Have fun, @Lizzie523 - hope you have a great time 😊

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 26/09/2021 10:02

Well we were in regular contact until Thursday @furbabymama87. Anyway I'll do what you suggest. He may not be as interested but then we've never met.

It seems he is intrigued as I am. If I get cba vibes from him on the date I'll just leave early.

Thanks @egglette. This will also be my first date in a long time and it would be nice to feel I'd got over that first hurdle!

OP posts:
Frazzledmummy123 · 26/09/2021 10:06

My first thought in reading your update was 'uh huh, and to say don't meet him as if you meet him, like him and then he vanishes again afterwards, you'll be more disappointed. However, maybe it is worth letting one red flag go, accept this one and meet him as long as the rest of the arranging goes smoothly. I guess you can't assume someone is a time waster with it only being once.

Good luck! Flowers

billy1966 · 26/09/2021 10:08

@Itsbeen84yearss

You never have to remind an interested man you exist. Ever.
100% agree.

I'm with @Suprima on this to.

Never chase.
It is a COMPLETE waste of time.

When a man is interested you know, when he's not, you are confused.

Good luck OPFlowers

thesearelaughterlines · 26/09/2021 10:17

Use it as a " get back in the saddle exercise "
Don't go in all defensive .. just have a nice night and see how it feels ?
If it goes nowhere you've learned a lesson about OLD - if you get on then fab

CoronaPeroni · 26/09/2021 10:32

All these phones that play up. It's such a great excuse that can't be challenged. Although nothing's really changed since the 70s when it was 'sorry my mum was using the phone' or 'the phone box took my money' etc. Good luck with the date.

thesunwillout · 26/09/2021 10:49

I think he was talking to someone else and leaving options open.

He lied about the phone thing.

Animallover87 · 26/09/2021 11:01

Go and enjoy yourself, don't over think it. And let us know how it goes :)

Freshasrain · 26/09/2021 11:06

Ooooo let us know how it goes 😁

ChristmasFluff · 26/09/2021 11:11

Well you've now shown him that he can mess you about and you will still be there as the last-minute fall-back girl if he is bored.

You mentioned earlier in the thread that you don't do last-minute dates (a very good boundary), and you have now broken that boundary. Do not be surprised when this doesn't end well.

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 26/09/2021 11:33

Yes I see what you're saying and sure there is truth in it. But it's just a drink @ChristmasFluff. It might not go anywhere beyond tonight, need to wait and see! And I'm talking to others as well. That's the nature of the app.

I'll let you know @Animallover87 ! We have quite a bit in common so I view it as being potentially an interesting night with a new person. If it doesn't work out it can be a story to tell friends next weekend GrinWine

OP posts:
WTF475878237NC · 26/09/2021 18:02

That's a good attitude. See it as a trial run etc.

Hope I'm just an old cynic here but he won't give cba vibes on the date even if he's not that fussed, as he's more likely to continue to keep up the contact with you just in case things don't work out with whoever else he's seeing. It's between dates you'll see the clues, if you're watching carefully.

someonesomewhere7 · 27/09/2021 08:24

@Lizzie523 how did it go?

Suprima · 27/09/2021 08:33

@Lizzie523

Also why can a person not just apologise and/or make up an excuse? Why ghost when you have agreed to meet. I find it rude.
It wasn’t ghosting ffs- it was a GAME.

He was trying to see if you would chase him, princess him, were desperate to see him.

It was an ego boost at best, or PUA tactics at worst. The more keen you are to see him- they believe the more effort you will put into the dating (paying for dates, listening to him monologue) and the more likely you will be to shag him early.

Women should appear to be the passive ones in online dating. No inviting men for coffee, no chasing up their loose commitments. It’s the only way of weeding out these game players who want you to become one of their spinning plates.

Suprima · 27/09/2021 08:38

[quote Lizzie523]@Frazzledmummy123 he has reappeared!

He says the time I suggested is too early and asked if I can meet an hour later instead?

He then made up an excuse that he is sorry for replying late as he has been having issues with his phone which I think is made up! He has still only suggested a time and not a place. What do we think?[/quote]
Christ alive- you’ve basically confirmed yourself as fallback girl and told him that you accept lies like ‘issues with my phone’.

I know you say it’s only a drink and it might be fun- but you could literally be having a drink with someone who gives a shit.

TimeForTeaAndG · 27/09/2021 08:39

Don't turn down a potential date in favour of another one whilst OLD. I'm not sure if that's what you meant in your OP but that's how I read it.

Also, don't assign anyone any personality traits whilst still chatting/messaging them as you've no idea if they're interested/a nice guy etc but do be open to seeing behaviours that you wouldn't want to accept from a partner.

I had a date lined up once that we had been chatting for a few days, back and forth, she went to work the evening before and I never heard another thing back again. People are strange.

trumpisagit · 27/09/2021 09:10

How was your evening OP?

SparklingLime · 27/09/2021 09:21

Afraid I do agree with Suprima. However well the date went, his behaviour leading to it marks him out as a likely waste of time and emotional energy.

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 27/09/2021 09:50

@WTF475878237NC

That's a good attitude. See it as a trial run etc.

Hope I'm just an old cynic here but he won't give cba vibes on the date even if he's not that fussed, as he's more likely to continue to keep up the contact with you just in case things don't work out with whoever else he's seeing. It's between dates you'll see the clues, if you're watching carefully.

Ha well!!!

Can't quite believe im saying this but we slept together/stayed up all night. The chemistry was instant & we talked about all sorts. It was just what I needed tbh Blush it had been a long time, too long!

Anyway I have some errands to run this morning and then we are meeting for lunch. The issue is he actually seems very keen (not just sex) but I'm not so sure. I think I'd see it more as a fling.

OP posts:
Animallover87 · 27/09/2021 10:04

Glad you enjoyed yourself!

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