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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To confirm the date with him?

89 replies

Lizzie523 · 25/09/2021 12:57

Met a guy online after many messages/filtering and declining a few requests to meet from others. His messages have been very thoughtful and although I initially went quiet he persevered with getting to know me at a comfortable pace.

He asked me out and I accepted. He asked what time is best for me and I said Sunday (but ended up making it look like I meant Monday). When I clarified he replied saying he'd happily meet on either of those days and that he knew a few nice places we could go.

I then gave him my number, asking him to firm up plans by phone or whatsapp and he said he would add me there. It's Sat now and I've heard nothing since Thurs night.

I still have a good initial feeling about him and still want to see him, but I thought he might have been in touch by now. Plus I want to make other plans if it isn't happening. AIBU to contact him firming up a time and place?

OP posts:

Original poster

Lizzie523 · 25/09/2021 18:44

Also why can a person not just apologise and/or make up an excuse? Why ghost when you have agreed to meet. I find it rude.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lizzie523 · 25/09/2021 20:31

Ugh, I am feeling pretty shitty now

I was looking forward to the date and feel really dismayed that I've just been ghosted. It makes me sad that grown adults behave this way.

OP posts:

Iamthewombat · 25/09/2021 20:34

You have to expect a reasonable drop out rate. Don’t let it put you off. He might not be who he says he is, anyway. On to the next one, good luck.

As for the why he ghosted: it’s the coward’s way out.

Iamthewombat · 25/09/2021 20:35

Also, you have never met him so please don’t take it personally. He might be a 17 year old boy or a 76 year old for all you know!

Original poster

Lizzie523 · 25/09/2021 20:42

No, I know he is a real person. He is a local performer, I looked him up and he is 100% a real boy. Seems like 'boy' is the operative word here...he was verified as well.

@Iamthewombat I completely agree it is the coward's way out. But I never understand it. If someone respectfully tells me they've changed their mind or whatever I just say ok and wish them on their way!

I don't understand ghosting behaviour at all.

OP posts:

BurntO · 25/09/2021 20:44

It’s sounds like you were flakey looking deciding on a day so it seems off that you ask him to firm up the plans when you know you didn’t communicate well IMO? I think you need to chase him up. Good luck!

Dinoroaraus · 25/09/2021 20:44

@Lizzie523

well it's evening time and still nothing. So I assume I'm being ghosted at this point.

Disappointing as he is the first date is accepted and was genuinely intrigued by. I realise people change their minds but he was so keen on Thursday - what changed?

2 new guys chatting to me now. I'll persevere for now. Not sure I'm cut out for this if I'm going to be ghosted every time !

He might have been seeing someone else yesterday.

Original poster

Lizzie523 · 25/09/2021 20:51

@BurntO

I said I could meet Monday but Sunday would be better for me overall. He replied saying 'what time on Monday?'. Like he hadnt read what I'd said. Then said he could do both days, it was whatever worked best for me. Since then I clarified a time and area to meet. Crickets.

To be honest, if it is/was supposed to work our then it would. Things get lost in translation online. Like @Dinoroaraus maybe he has seen someone else in the meantime but it doesn't change the rude behaviour.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 25/09/2021 20:54

I used to be the person who would follow up to get plans confirmed. Now, much older and wiser, I'm with @Suprima

Arrange something else so if he does now follow up later you are genuinely not available. You have not put the rest of your life on hold waiting for him. I'd guess that he was making plans with more than one person and you were further down the list.

If he really is interested, he won't leave it so late again. If not.... who cares.

Do you really want a relationship where you have to be the one chasing up the appointment details ?

someonesomewhere7 · 25/09/2021 20:57

Don't let it discourage you, OP. Online dating is brutal. Flaking and ghosting left and right. Just know it's not you, it's not personal and if you want to succeed you either have to get lucky on the first try or grow a thick skin. Good luck!

Original poster

Lizzie523 · 25/09/2021 21:03

@someonesomewhere7

Thanks @someonesomewhere7. I've only been on two dates from OD before. The first turned into a 3 month fling and the second a 2 year relationship!

I'd heard Tinder was bad and feel I've basically had that confirmed! Now I'm talking to other men at the back of my mind I'm wondering whether to bother.

@FinallyHere No...I really don't want that. I won't up with inconsistency at the beginning either.

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SparklingLime · 25/09/2021 21:05

I realise people change their minds but he was so keen on Thursday - what changed?

You’re assuming he is a decent person acting in good faith. Unfortunately that is setting yourself up for disappointment while OLD. Perhaps try to hold in mind that some men are playing games, looking only for ego boosts, enjoy the chase, etc etc

Original poster

Lizzie523 · 25/09/2021 21:13

@SparklingLime

I realise people change their minds but he was so keen on Thursday - what changed?

@SparklingLime I reckon online dating might not be for me if it's full of people like him. It has just made me feel a bit low.

My friend (who is now engaged to a guy she met there) encouraged me to try it! I much prefer meeting people in person but it has become a lot harder with the pandemic.

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SparklingLime · 25/09/2021 21:17

I know it’s not for me! I think the people who can navigate it successfully are able to keep a slight detachment from the whole business, treat it as a numbers game and enjoy simply meeting dates. Plus the ones who just get lucky fairly quickly of course! Are you on the long-running OLD thread on here?

Highflyingadored · 25/09/2021 21:20

I did OD met a few weirdos, went out with guy for 6 months, thought it was great, he met my family gave me a beautiful and expensive necklace for Christmas... then one day woke up at his with him barely speaking to me, I left in tears with no explanation. Turned off my profile for a few months.

Friend encouraged me to try again, guy contacted me who was a bit over my preferred age after some back and forth we ended up meeting ... seversl months later I moved in... within the year we were engaged. 7 years on and couldnt be happier.

It took time of me sending loads of messages and getting no responses or meeting complete duds but I got there in the end.

I'm sorry this one didnt work but take the experience and keep trying, sometimes a break from it to collect yourself can help. Good luck op

SparklingLime · 25/09/2021 21:22

Tbf I think things are considerably messier than they were 7 years ago.

Original poster

Lizzie523 · 25/09/2021 21:25

Yes maybe but why@SparklingLime? What has changed? Or were you referring to the pandemic.

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WTF475878237NC · 25/09/2021 21:26

Hang on, he’s said Sunday or Monday and told you that he’d confirm either way, then he’s been silent since Thursday?

Not good. It’s up to him to firm up the plan, not you. I’m with @Suprima

^ yep. In my experience any man who is both interested AND worth it will always contact you and be keen to arrange dates.

SparklingLime · 25/09/2021 21:28

I think the sweet shop attitude has been worsening for years. No idea if the pandemic has affected it.

SparklingLime · 25/09/2021 21:41

But these people are the pros. Check the rules!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4349018-dating-thread-213-falling-into-autumn-leaves#prettyPhoto

Itsbeen84yearss · 25/09/2021 21:43

You never have to remind an interested man you exist. Ever.

Frazzledmummy123 · 25/09/2021 22:37

I am sorry this happened op .

I wouldn't be surprised if he suddenly reappears again with some excuses as to why he vanished (one possibility of why he's vanished, he went on a date between Thursday and now which has gone well, then when it doesn't work out he returns with a story that his granny died or something ).

Even if there is a legit reason and something significant has happened, if a half arrangement has been made, he could at least have said something. That said, at this stage (no offence) you are only a potential date on a dating site so if something particularly big has happened, maybe he has genuinely been too caught up. But of course, unless you hear otherwise, it does seem like you have been ghosted and I'd advise you go with that just now and move on.

If you have been ghosted, you have had a lucky escape as that was pretty low. Don't let it put you off, he has shown his true colours, and thankfully before the first date.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 25/09/2021 22:43

But he was the last one to contact me and i wasnt clear on when I wanted to meet, so it probably wouldn't be the worst thing to get in touch.

If you left him on read on Thursday, then I can see why he's not immediately responding/ignoring you now.

Cocomarine · 25/09/2021 22:53

@Itsbeen84yearss

You never have to remind an interested man you exist. Ever.

A million times this!

But honestly, I also could be doing with the passivity. I never sat around waiting for men to suggest details to me when I was OLD. If we didn’t pin down details of the meet in the same exchange, I assumed they were time wasters - window shopping or I was being kept warm whilst they had other dates. I wouldn’t sit around waiting for someone else to suggest a place, I just said, “how about Joe’s Wine Bar at 18:00 on Sunday?” Just be direct.

Original poster

Lizzie523 · 26/09/2021 09:18

@Frazzledmummy123 he has reappeared!

He says the time I suggested is too early and asked if I can meet an hour later instead?

He then made up an excuse that he is sorry for replying late as he has been having issues with his phone which I think is made up! He has still only suggested a time and not a place. What do we think?

OP posts:

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