Anyone else’s parents very discouraging?

[Opal93]

Mine discouraged absolutely everything. Most recent example: I have four best friends and my mum says “they can’t be real friends. I don’t believe anyone can have more than one best friend” . I obviously know better than to try to argue with her, but all my life she had a rather odd attitude towards me having friends. If she perceived I was getting too friendly with someone she told me I had to “cool it” or pointed out all their supposed faults and convinced me to drop them. With hobbies she was also very discouraging, with school sports she outright told me I was “crap” so don’t bother trying. When I was 9 I was desperate to take ballet lessons and she hated the idea, and I begged her and she said she rang the lady and that there were no places available and if one did become available she would contact us. A year passed and I said you never actually did ring about it did you she just said “of course I didn’t, you are much too old and would have looked ridiculous!” It wasn’t a money issue either, my parents were well off and happily forked out for my brother to have many activities. This morning, I stupidly told her I’m going out tonight (dinner and drinks) and she said you are far too old to be going on nights out (I’m 28). I have been NC with her before but found it very hard to keep it that way as she lives close by. I’m not sure what the point of this post is; probably just a vent as it’s a real drain and anyone who goes through similar feel free to vent too ❤️

My MIL is like this. She laughed at my DH when he said he was going back to college to get a qualification, which he did. She asked him why he wanted to do that. Probably because he left school with no qualifications because she never encouraged him to do or be anything. She hated it when I taught DH to cook and asked why I just didn't do it for him.

My own personal conclusion is that in a strange way, it has kept her DC dependent on her for things. And she likes to feel needed.

I'm Nc with my parents and this was one of the reasons. I was told constantly that I didn't have any real friends, nobody liked me, I was rubbish at everything, I would never amount to anything, no one would ever love me. They can fuck off

We were never encouraged to do anything as children and teens. Never joined any clubs or had hobbies. Very suspicious of people’s motives and we weren’t allowed any friends in the house and I never understood why not.
anything that requires any extra effort at work (for us now, such as studying for extra qualifications or working long hours) now are huffed at. I don’t understand this mind set.

My mother has incredibly poor self-esteem and extended that to intense self-deprecation about her children, which was incredibly damaging when we were growing up — her twin mottoes are ‘Don’t expect anything and you won’t be disappointed’ and ‘Don’t ever try, because you’ll only fail and people will laugh’.

She was also mortified when any of us did well in case it made us look ‘like we were getting above ourselves’.

Weird attitude isn’t it? I agree it could be about not getting above yourself. I’m not sure where that comes from.

Your comment on ballet reminds me of when I remember asked to try gymnastics but my mum said I didn’t have the right body type or something along those lines. I did do other stuff but this comment has always stuck with me.
When I was in my 20s she also said my then boyfriend was ‘having me on’ when I said he was going to move to be closer to me. He did and we’ve been married for over 15 years. Perhaps she was thinking this was protecting me from being hurt if it didn’t happen?
I’m constantly being asked ‘what are you doing that for?’ When I say I’m entering a run or doing something even slightly out of the ordinary. I think she’s saying these things partly because she has no interest (and can’t understand why someone else might) and partly because her life is safe and structured. Someone doing something different makes her realise she hasn’t.

That’s heartbreaking OP. I can relate though because, while my mother would never have outright said such mean things directly, I was very much given the impression that so many things were “ too hard” or out of my reach. There was always this conviction, or anxiety, that things wouldn’t work out so don’t bother too much making an effort. I think deep down my mum feels that life is full of disappointment and so success isn’t something to be chased. Like it comes to people who are lucky and that’s that. I think I was 30 before I realised how damaged my mindset had been by this attitude. Even now ( in my 40s) my mother is visibly uncomfortable if I start doing anything she would never do, like joining a class or wild camping or something. It must come from lack of self esteem or confidence I guess.

Sounds just like my mother. I wasn't allowed to do any after school activities because I was clumsy or because I'd never stick at it apparently 🙄🙄 she spent my 20s judging my hair , clothes, shoes, friends , boyfriends etc etc. I haven't spoken to her in a year and its great , no more judgement and put downs. She lives a 7 minute walk from me as well but it's a part of town I have no need to visit.

Yea my mum basically took the attitude that anything that put me ‘out there’ was bad and wrong and embarrassing but also at the same time acted ashamed I wasn’t more accomplished. Constant low level criticism and bringing me down a peg or two then berating me if I wasn’t high enough. Criticised me for failing, acted jealous and resentful when I succeeded. I don’t talk to her much anymore and share nothing about my life. It’s much healthier. Honestly, i’d go no contact in your shoes, or extreme grey rock / like tell her nothing about your life. Particularly never share anything that’s new to you, exciting, gives you joy or makes you feel good about yourself.

Another fruit cake that's extraordinary!!

I'm so the opposite 😂.

Mine weren't at all but siblings were.

My parents were like this with my brother, both of them, but especially our dad's attitude was "Try harder, you will fail anyway, but try harder, inkmlw you will fail" and when he succeeded it was never down to my brother's ability or effort, but always luck.

Yes this all sounds very familiar sadly.

A lifetime of being told how shit I was.

As an adult I told her I was retraining to become a teacher (doing PGCE) and her response was a withering "you? - you could never do that."

Been NC with her for 8 years now - absolute bliss. For most of that time she lived 30 doors down the road from me.

Dh mum is like a this though... It's stifling to be around it.. I have a physical reaction that I'm being suffocated, buried under this huge negative energy cloud.

Cant bear the woman.

Mine is like that. I have long accepted that my DM is a cow and limit my interactions to mundane conversations.

My mother was happy for us to do things she deemed 'acceptable' but otherwise forget it. She was obsessed with what people thought of her and still is (not us unless it put her in a good light).

She was obsessed with what people thought of her and still is (not us unless it put her in a good light).

This always puzzles me. Some people put so much more value on a stranger's would-be opinion, than own loved one's actual feelings or comfort.

This is what my relationship is like. I actually spoke out. Years ago (in my teens) she said I was so boring people wouldn't like me. It took until my 40s to tell her I was happy as I am and that i was called boring in the past but I have education and solid safe life and a great marriage. She probably doesn't even remember how much she hurt me.

She’s not going to change, so I think that if you struggle with going no or low contact, the only thing you can do is change how you react to it.

You could talk to her, tell her that you’re quite sure she doesn’t realise she’s being so unpleasant, but that you’re implementing a no tolerance policy and you’ll be hanging up the phone or getting up and leaving at the first sign of a snarky comment. And you have to do it. It doesn’t matter if you’re at her home or in the middle of Costas. Pick up your bag, very calmly tell her you’ll see her again when she can behave herself, and walk out.

Or you can treat her with humour (which will probably be easier and better for your mental health). Laugh at her. Ask her if you have to put her on the naughty step because it’s a minute for each year of her age, so you hope she’s got her pyjamas with her. Say ‘here we go, Moaning Myrtle strikes again’. But that does require a certain ‘don’t care anymore’ mindset.

It might just be easier to interrupt the next comment with ‘Mum, I find you mentally exhausting and deeply unpleasant to spend any time with. I don’t want you to grow old and lonely with no family around to look after you, but you are driving me away. And if you do it again, there won’t be any more chances, so think very carefully about what you say next’.

My parents could never believe that I'd amount to anything. I think it was because (or maybe this is another symptom) that I was the 'baby' of the family. Sadly I learned not to share until it was a done deal because I knew they'd persuade me not to try. I'm still trying to come to terms with the damage that did.

Wow so many posts that resonate with me. Especially the poster that said they have a physical reaction to their mothers bad energy. My mother made out I wasn't worth anything. I had a boyfriend at 15 and she said "aren't you worried he will leave you for someone better looking" I was mildly talented at drawing and she said I wouldn't amount to anything. My husband was amazed 10 years into our relationship how good I could draw, I'd pushed it so far down I'd forgotten I even could. I can't stand being in the same room as her, it gives me anxiety. It's so sad how some parents are with their kids

My mother's low self-esteem and entire lack of self-confidence definitely contributed to her always putting me down. They both thought everything I did was a waste of time and regularly told me I shouldn't bother doing anything, as I'll end up unsuccessful and miserable. I, too, was always 'far too old' to do anything- go to sleepovers, parties, work, buy a car, etc. I was either too old or not clever enough to do these things.

I was then told I was 'far too young' to be moving to the other side of the country to marry my husband. It's all about control and jealousy- she didn't get to live the happy life I live and instead of changing her life she tried to change mine. Thankfully I'm in a much better place now and as a parting gift, I was able to pay off their mortgage before going NC.

If you can't go NC, you can go very low contact. Speak at birthdays and Christmas if that's your thing, and stay away the rest of the time. Keep her at arms length. You could treat her as the kind of friend you only speak to every now and then with basic updates of your life and polite small talk. Be civil if you see her on the street but don't actively attempt any contact. And if she is still as she use to be, issue an ultimatum of be nice or fuck off.

Funnily enough I was out with friends last night and they started talking about all the clubs they did as kids. I realised I didn't do any clubs except church stuff. Just don't think my mum could be bothered to take us though rather than being deliberately negative.

She did always tell me I was crap at sport, but more from a don't worry, we are all crap at sport in this family type of way.

I take a different approach with my kids, we just focus on having a go and enjoying yourself. I think maybe my mum was too focused on having to be successful rather than enjoyment. I suppose ballet lessons etc are expensive and there could be an element of what's the point of you'll not be any good at it. Bit of a sad attitude to have though.

Funnily enough I was out with friends last night and they started talking about all the clubs they did as kids. I realised I didn't do any clubs except church stuff. Just don't think my mum could be bothered to take us though rather than being deliberately negative.

I was not allowed clubs because karate was "unladylike", scouts was "dangerous", for other sports i was "too weak" and arts were "a waste of time when i should focus on schoolwork".
Oh, and relationships there's an entirely new story. In my youth "i'd never marry", later "he'll dump you first chance", now its "he'll die and surely nobody else will want me".
My DM only ever thinks she is being "honest and truthful". But to be fair to her, she herself grew up in a very abusive household, criminally abusive.She tried really hard to be a good parent, but unfortunately modeled some behaviours she suffered from her own parents.