Anyone else’s parents very discouraging?

[Opal93]

Mine discouraged absolutely everything. Most recent example: I have four best friends and my mum says “they can’t be real friends. I don’t believe anyone can have more than one best friend” . I obviously know better than to try to argue with her, but all my life she had a rather odd attitude towards me having friends. If she perceived I was getting too friendly with someone she told me I had to “cool it” or pointed out all their supposed faults and convinced me to drop them. With hobbies she was also very discouraging, with school sports she outright told me I was “crap” so don’t bother trying. When I was 9 I was desperate to take ballet lessons and she hated the idea, and I begged her and she said she rang the lady and that there were no places available and if one did become available she would contact us. A year passed and I said you never actually did ring about it did you she just said “of course I didn’t, you are much too old and would have looked ridiculous!” It wasn’t a money issue either, my parents were well off and happily forked out for my brother to have many activities. This morning, I stupidly told her I’m going out tonight (dinner and drinks) and she said you are far too old to be going on nights out (I’m 28). I have been NC with her before but found it very hard to keep it that way as she lives close by. I’m not sure what the point of this post is; probably just a vent as it’s a real drain and anyone who goes through similar feel free to vent too ❤️

My mother was never happier than when things were going badly for me, and never more livid with anger than when they were going well.

I think she actually hates me

Also NC for many years now and just wish I had done it sooner.

These are so sad to read. My mum did a PhD at Oxford in the 1960's and has never ever told us not to do anything for fear of failure.

It's definitely a mindset of 'better not to try than to lose' - but if you do it and fail, you've learnt so much; and if you do it and succeed you've achieved something amazing.

@BlueSussex

My mother was never happier than when things were going badly for me, and never more livid with anger than when they were going well.

I think she actually hates me

Also NC for many years now and just wish I had done it sooner.

My mother prefers when things are going badly for me as well, but I think that’s because she thinks that someone for whom things are going badly ‘needs’ her in a way that someone for whom things are going well doesn’t. You can hear her just tuning out if you phone her in a happy, confident mood with good news or a piece of good luck.

Life's too short, or rather too long to have to put up with people who have a negative effect on your own life and well being, even relatives as close as parents.

My in laws are quite discouraging to DH, but in a different way. There’s no malice and they don’t insult him or imply nobody likes him or anything like that. But they are just very very cautious, risk-averse people and who have lived a very staid and predictable life, staying very close to their own parents - doing the jobs that their parents did and never really straying for the path.

They are very ‘what’s the point?’ about anything DH wants to do that doesn’t fit with their ideas about what’s ‘safe’. Don’t buy a new car, what’s the point it will get scratched when you park it at work, don’t go for a new job what’s the point you’re better staying where you are even though you hate it and are paid a pittance, at least you know it. Don’t go on holiday, too dangerous with this virus around - and before that it was too expensive, would be too hot or your baggage would get lost etc etc. I find it hugely stifling.

My mother was happy for us to do things she deemed 'acceptable' but otherwise forget it

Oh god yes this sounds familiar. My mother expected me and my sister to be carbon copies of her. Many years later I realised she has terrible self esteem and wanting to do anything different she saw/ felt as a rejection of her. She actually came across as very bossy and domineering though.

She chose our activities (I too wanted to do ballet and wasn't allowed. Was forced to have piano lessons and tennis coaching for years which I hated.) Tried to choose our friends. Didn't want us to have boyfriends but cryptically we were supposed to marry young (as she had done). She had always been a bit of a martyr and denied herself any kind of enjoyment... but she thought we should too. We got pocket money (and later an allowance) but she'd sulk and roll her eyes if we treated ourselves to anything she saw as frivolous (non essential clothes, records or nights out).

Travelling/holidays were also frowned on and considered greedy and selfish. Her mantra was that you should save every penny to get a mortgage and then pay it off.

I was berated for not spending every moment studying to "better myself" but when I qualified as a solicitor and worked my way up to partnership she often expressed disgust that I hadn't given up work to raise my children and "farmed them out".

Realised a while back that I will never get it right in her eyes because we are different people.

My parents are definitely in this category. It’s interesting to compare this thread with the one about public school “secrets”. I know going to a fancy school doesn’t automatically mean your parents are 100% supportive and encouraging but having access to that type of atmosphere even just at school must be very beneficial. My school being bottom of the league tables wasn’t encouraging so it was only through the internet that I really got a true sense of the world and I dread to think where I would be without it. Looking back, the handful of people who did well from my awful school all had middle class parents who must have encouraged them and knew what was possible for their children.

As for the cause, I think both my parents grew up in situations were everything did fail, everyone was terrible, but when the circumstances around them changed, their attitudes didn’t. That then became the cause of their problems and left them mentally closed off from the world, making them more and more out of touch. They expected everyone they met to treat them poorly so they treated them poorly first. They expected any new thing they tried to be difficult and so it was. They extended this to anything I showed interest in too. If they had found a certain activity difficult then surely I would too so why bother. If they didn’t see value in something then it must be completely pointless in doing, regardless of my feelings on the matter.

As for now, I’m also NC with my parents (and everyone from growing up) and it’s been a huge benefit for me. I feel like being discouraged from everything has left me lagging about a decade behind other people my age but achievements are achievements, it doesn’t really matter how old you are when you get them thankfully.

My parents were like this, not as bad as some in this thread though. They were fine for me to do clubs and wanted me to do well in school, but really discouraged me in the area of jobs/careers, saying I wouldn't be able to do pretty much every career (which were just totally normal jobs, not rocket scientist or anything). Constantly saying it was a miracle I got a job, and I should definitely never leave because no other job would work out. I'm just now wondering if it is such a miracle? I'm able bodied and neurotypical, can write and speak English, I drive and have a car, dress in an average way, even have a masters degree. Surely most people like me do find a job at some point.

But I'm also trying not to focus on this.

I think in having the realisation that their way of thinking was really discouraging, I've let myself off the hook a little. I want to just leave that in the past and not use it an excuse.

My Dad always tells me how terrible (either too hot, too cold, or rainy) it's going to be whenever I tell him I am going anywhere.
I don't know why he does it.

I have blocked my DM from viewing my FB photos. Because she would go on and comment that i'm fat. Her reasononing - she's the only person in the world who will tell me the truth amd nobody else can be trusted (especially men saying i'm beautiful). Plus she wants me to do better for myself - lose weight that is and to dress like her.

Not getting ideas above your station
Yes my (late) Mother went into panic when I started going out with the Granddaughter of the ex Chief Constable of our town. She said how could we go to your wedding with all those senior people. You need to stop. We were 17/18 at the time only known each other a few weeks.
She was disappointed I didn't get a job in an office like my Dad. £10 per week, no car, no phone, no tv.

Hard op agree. Im nc with mine at moment. Very negative nothing nice to say. Knows it all too on topics. While its not ideal Im enjoying my peace and zero drama or negativeness

I love my mother but she has serious misogynistic issues. If a man does anything worthwhile, he’s fantastic, if a woman does it, she’s looking for attention/full of herself.

I haven’t told her-
That I have a degree.
The list of post-grad qualifications I have.
Anything about the promotions I’ve had over the years.

@LastGirlSanding

Yea my mum basically took the attitude that anything that put me ‘out there’ was bad and wrong and embarrassing but also at the same time acted ashamed I wasn’t more accomplished. Constant low level criticism and bringing me down a peg or two then berating me if I wasn’t high enough. Criticised me for failing, acted jealous and resentful when I succeeded. I don’t talk to her much anymore and share nothing about my life. It’s much healthier. Honestly, i’d go no contact in your shoes, or extreme grey rock / like tell her nothing about your life. Particularly never share anything that’s new to you, exciting, gives you joy or makes you feel good about yourself.

This...

Constant low level criticism is so damaging on your future.

to anyone who is trying to overcome this!

@CatsArePeople

I have blocked my DM from viewing my FB photos. Because she would go on and comment that i'm fat. Her reasononing - she's the only person in the world who will tell me the truth amd nobody else can be trusted (especially men saying i'm beautiful). Plus she wants me to do better for myself - lose weight that is and to dress like her.

Were I not an only child, I would swear you're my sister with this post especially the "only I will ever tell you the truth" line. The result is that I have no confidence in my appearance and thought I was borderline obese at size 10. My mum is lovely and supportive in a lot of ways... but in others she's actually a bit domineering and I've started cutting bits of my life off from her now a little more established and confident- I don't need her validation and I have other support.

She can't say anything nice about my appearance, especially. Last year she said that she was happy to fund surgery if when I want it. I've never considered it. When I said I'm aiming to lose 2 stone - "Pft! Try 4". Even DP telling her to lay off hasn't stopped her. Similarly any interest in studying law as a teen, I eventually gave up on because of a relentless chorus of "don't be ridiculous, we don't know anyone in law, you'll never get a job". I had different ideas to her as to how to furnish the flat I was about to buy. She couldn't resist implying I'd make it look like "a doss house". She even managed to make a comment about me using clothes airers instead of a line sound like a bitchy character judgement.

Both my parents have always been VERY weird about me driving, too. Incredibly undermining- so I have no confidence. It has been suggested in the last couple of years that there is a certain amount of jealousy and a desire to keep me dependent. I've started to give it more credence and I've noticed that enforcing firmer boundaries has seen me labelled "rude" and "aggressive".

I fear dreadful when I first moved to live by myself; my dad was incredibly upset when I refused to call them when I got in & out of the shower. He was motivated by love and protection but only backed off when given a thorough dressing down. Not proud of it but I refused to be infantilised.

My mother is exactly the same

I used to see sense in what she was saying when I was younger but the older I get - the less I can tolerate her bitterness and I now try and make sure I grow older thinking the same way she does

I spent at least 3 decades with my mum’s “What do you want to do that for?” ringing in my ears.

More than 20 years past that, I do things just because I can. Life is so much better free of the puritan guilt that I might be doing something just for the hell of it. None of it is extreme either.

You are not alone, my parents are both very negative, especially my mum. She actively looks for a problem in everything and seems to hate it if something goes well for me, like she resents me being happy.

After almost everything good that has ever happened to me I have been accused of 'changing' and 'becoming too full of myself'. This includes getting my degree, having my first child, meeting my husband, etc Basically anything which might give me a even a trace of self-confidence , something which wasn't easy to have growing up in that house.

Best of it is, it is this low confidence which contributes to me not wanting to drive or feel comfortable behind a wheel. Now they are elderly and through sheer stubborness won't move somewhere nearer amenities, their answer to this is to demand I go out and get a car to drive them around, and they berate me for having no confidence!

She worse as she older. I took a huge step back. Its beyond exhausting long term

My mum would ask why i was bothering with makeup as "its only worth it if you've got something to work with". Why are you going to university anyway? You're not likely to be accepted around actually intelligent people.
Are you marrying him for money then? (When I told her I was engaged).
And she complains to family I don't seem interested in her.

My mum would ask why i was bothering with makeup as "its only worth it if you've got something to work with".

Oh snap, my dad used to say the same. "Why are you bothering with make up when you're still fat, it's a waste of time".

Where do they get this stuff seriously? I would literally never ever say that to my dc, because what's the point? If I hated them that much I'd bring up the issues or go nc rather than say make up is wasted on them.

My mother is constantly negative - a problem or barrier to every solution or idea that I have. If I show her an of mine achievement she will find an issue, problem or criticism for it.
Im low contact with her and give her limited information about myself as she is so judgemental and difficult.

Yes. My mum is obsessed with me "not getting above my station" and "getting too big for my boots". It's really weird. As an adult, she likes telling me things are too good for me .

She's particularly weird about work. Before every interview I told her about, she'd tell me there was no point in my interviewing, because I wouldn't get the job. She also once said "there's no point in you being ambitious, you're not going to get anywhere". I went to Oxford and make a six figure salary.

I think she's disappointed in her own life, and can't bear that mine might be better.

Oh it’s so depressing reading this as so much resonates with me.

My parents were from the Eastern Bloc and came here about 60+ years ago. There is always this pervading negativity and I’m very much aware of this in my 40s.
One thing that always sticks in my memory is when they came to my university when I passed my degree and my father’s first words were “oh, we thought you’d fail”
I’ll put all of this down to lack of confidence, self esteem, maybe generational.