Anyone else’s parents very discouraging?

[Opal93]

Mine discouraged absolutely everything. Most recent example: I have four best friends and my mum says “they can’t be real friends. I don’t believe anyone can have more than one best friend” . I obviously know better than to try to argue with her, but all my life she had a rather odd attitude towards me having friends. If she perceived I was getting too friendly with someone she told me I had to “cool it” or pointed out all their supposed faults and convinced me to drop them. With hobbies she was also very discouraging, with school sports she outright told me I was “crap” so don’t bother trying. When I was 9 I was desperate to take ballet lessons and she hated the idea, and I begged her and she said she rang the lady and that there were no places available and if one did become available she would contact us. A year passed and I said you never actually did ring about it did you she just said “of course I didn’t, you are much too old and would have looked ridiculous!” It wasn’t a money issue either, my parents were well off and happily forked out for my brother to have many activities. This morning, I stupidly told her I’m going out tonight (dinner and drinks) and she said you are far too old to be going on nights out (I’m 28). I have been NC with her before but found it very hard to keep it that way as she lives close by. I’m not sure what the point of this post is; probably just a vent as it’s a real drain and anyone who goes through similar feel free to vent too ❤️

@Kapalika

Oh it’s so depressing reading this as so much resonates with me.

My parents were from the Eastern Bloc and came here about 60+ years ago. There is always this pervading negativity and I’m very much aware of this in my 40s.
One thing that always sticks in my memory is when they came to my university when I passed my degree and my father’s first words were “oh, we thought you’d fail”
I’ll put all of this down to lack of confidence, self esteem, maybe generational.

My Mum said the same thing. I came running into the kitchen to tell her I got a 2:1 from Oxford and she didn't even look up and said "oh, so you didn't fail then". They also refused to celebrate my graduation - my boyfriend (now DH) was appalled that he had to take me out to dinner and that all they did was complain about how boring the ceremony was.

Likewise, when I told her now DH and I were engaged she hung up on me and wouldn't even let me speak to my Dad.

It's still baffling to me that she came stand seeing me happy, thriving or successful.

Some of this definitely resonates with me. My mum often used to try to discourage me from seeing friends e.g. if I said I had a weekend away planned she’d suggest just staying at home. If I was seeing someone with a family (I’m single) she’d sometimes say they wouldn’t want me there and I’d be in the way. I think a few factors may have been at play: my lifestyle being very different to hers, bit of jealousy (would these people replace her for me?) and I guess sometimes genuine concern about me. It’s made for an odd relationship at times though.

My mum is a bit like this and she has horribly low self esteem. Even now in her 50s she's constantly putting herself down and she extends it to her children in some ways too. It's hard not to think badly of yourself if your mum is constantly putting herself and her abilities down and saying you're like her. I'm making a conscious effort to never put myself down in front of my daughter and actually say nice things about myself in front of her even though it feels so un-natural!

Ah yes, I see my childhood in a lot of these replies. It’s also continued into adulthood, but not just with friends or hobbies.

Despite me being a high earner in a professional role, she still sends me links to jobs for entry level workers in unrelated fields and recently suggested I retrain as a HGV driver!!

I try to laugh about it now, as it’s just bonkers, but it does still hurt.

Very resonating thread. My mum liked me as a baby but once I was old enough to remember it all, it was relentless "you're too stupid for that", "your friends all hate you, I see them in Asda and they tell me" and "he's just going to dump you."

She didn't seem that bothered when I moved out at 19 and we barely speak. I love sports, activities, attending events and workshops, choir, gym, entering contests, travelling, but I also get a jolt of pleasure at her predictable responses - "what a waste of time", "what a fool you must look."

I can't imagine how different life must be with encouraging and interested parents. They were working/middle class, didn't struggle and scrimped for a foreign holiday each year, but still remained incredibly bitter.

You'd have thought their attitudes would have modernised, so I'm wondering if they were a generation still traditional enough not to be able to unravel the misery of their own 40s/50s parents, so they carried out on. Nowadays we all read more, have a more holistic education... We're not quite so bitter and nasty? We know we can enjoy fun? I don't know, but I'm glad I'm of my generation, and not theirs. They're gonna be some lonely old people.

You've triggered a memory! My mum said I was too old for ballet at primary age. Called my job dead end and told my siblings not to end up like me. We're very low contact now. Surprisingly she has a lovely relationship with my son. Makes a better grandparent then parent

inmyslippers interestingly my mum is much better with my son too! Says he’s so smart, so flexible he needs to go to gymnastics, so strong he needs to do rugby, so artistic, and is a much better grandparent than she ever was a parent. But she was a better parent to my brother, and encouraged him more, so I’m wondering if she just gets on better with boys and finds girls harder to like? Sounds ridiculous but maybe it’s harder to project her own insecurities onto a daughter rather than son or grandson

My mother was the same. Essentially clipped my wings from a very young age, and discouraged me from doing so much

The irony is that now she’s so disinterested in my life I’m not sure why she bothered with all the control. She never calls me, never asks how I am or tries to understand my life. She has no oxides that I’ve got several health worries.

When I was younger I talked about moving abroad and travelling. She discouraged this to the point where I didn’t do it. But given how little she’s in my life, I may as well be the other side of the world.

This made me feel so sad for you, OP. She must be deeply unfulfilled, with a very small orbit of her own.

My DF, believes that you only make choices when you are young and anything you do to change your path later is misguided. My MIL doesn’t believe in adults going out with friends and without their partner. Small- minded crap.

As another pp said My own personal conclusion is that in a strange way, it has kept her DC dependent on her for things. And she likes to feel needed. I would say this is true for your DM but it sounds a horrible way to live. Please try to break free.

My mother wouldn't really put herself out for me at all. If I couldn't get there on my own, on my bike, then it wouldn't happen. I was cycling to school on my own at 6 (in 1970) and it was a good 20 minutes away. She'd take my brother anywhere but it was always begrudged for me. It was my dad who drove hundreds of miles every week for work who had to get in the car every other Saturday and take me a good hour away for my lesson. No wonder I adore my dad...

What an unpleasant woman and awful mum. Sounds like she was jealous of you. If she's still such an emotional vampire I'd be going very LC and not telling her anything about your life so she can't comment!

I think there’s also quite a bit of envy and jealousy involved in some mother daughter relationships too. It sounds as though she doesn’t want you to overtake her in terms of achievements.

Oh, so many of these really make me feel that all the times I thought it was me, but it wasn’t. I love me mum dearly, but the constant low level criticism, control, keeping me in my place has taken me years to see. Comments designed to put me down, or make me fee like a shouldn’t be aiming for anything better. “You’ll never be able to that..” , “we thought you’d fail” , “your success in life will be your children”, “pie in the sky”, comments about my looks, figure, that I dither, that “we don’t have friends, we have family”. So much, I can’t even begin because it’s just part of life, and putting them down makes me sound petty, but it’s the constancy of them that’s damaging. Interestingly, also a lovely grandmother.

It's hard not to think badly of yourself if your mum is constantly putting herself and her abilities down and saying you're like her.
I literally only realised this last year…!
“ I’m so fat. I’m rubbish at maths. My skin is awful. I’m not good in groups. You’re just like me”
Argh. She does it to my dc too, is constantly pointing out their shortcomings to them, and any rare positive comment comes with a “but..” There have been some fireworks from me about this, and I always tell them to ignore her she’s probably senile

So many of these posts really resonate with me!
I grew up with a constant undertone of never quite being as good as my sister & its really affected me.

Any time I tried to make friends when I was young she would always criticise them & have reasons why they wernt good enough or keep going on about why she didn't like them. I never managed to form any close friendships, never allowed to have them in the house & she always had this disapproving pursed lips expression if I did anything fun like nights out. I really wanted to go to university & she was so negative about it & discouraged me from going. I took so much of her 'advice' in when I was younger & really regret that now.

Now in my 30s & its still no better, she ignores anything positive that I do & only ever has criticisms. Now I'm a parent she's hugely judgemental of any hobbies I have or any time I try to have for myself, like I can only be a mother & nothing else. I've just started going low contact as I've realised just how much of a drain on my mental health she really is. I would be no contact but like some others have said, weirdly she's a good grandmother.

It's a shame, I do think sometimes she's just generally unhappy with herself. She criticises anyone who does things differently to her or has different opinions. I've noticed it more & more as I've got older. I just dont tell her anything at all about my life anymore. We only communicate about my child.

Some of this really resonates. My mum was always making little comments and if I wasn’t happy she’d tell me to stop making a fuss about nothing. Your job isn’t very interesting, is it? There’s not much point travelling all that way for your graduation, is there? I think I had PND after having DD1 and she was always telling me that I needed to pull myself together. I did pull myself together but I never felt so lonely. She told me I’d never find anyone else if I left exH and I stopped speaking to her for a couple of months. She died when I was 30 and I’ll always wonder what kind of relationship we might have had when we were older.

I relate to this so thoroughly.

My mum disapproves of almost everything I do just because I do it. She likes to try to debate me regarding my decisions. These days, I just let her monologue and try to ignore.

She’ll then accuse me of emotional blackmail if I hint that I’m not tolerating it so well.

She frequently tells me I’m not as kind/nice/gentle as I think I am. This really messes with me, because I don’t think I’m particularly anything, but I do try my best to be decent.

I’m due to visit my parents soon and I’m already having palpitations. I keep it superficial. Reducing contact further would have disastrous (more widespread) consequences.

@IfNot

It's hard not to think badly of yourself if your mum is constantly putting herself and her abilities down and saying you're like her. I literally only realised this last year…! “ I’m so fat. I’m rubbish at maths. My skin is awful. I’m not good in groups. You’re just like me” Argh. She does it to my dc too, is constantly pointing out their shortcomings to them, and any rare positive comment comes with a “but..” There have been some fireworks from me about this, and I always tell them to ignore her she’s probably senile

Its insidious isn't it! It took me quite a long time to realise as well. I first noticed it when I overheard some girls commenting on my appearance and they were saying how nice one specific aspect of my appearance was but when I told my now DH what I'd overheard and how upset I was as it must mean everything else about me was disgusting his wtf reaction really made me think. I'm sure neither him nor those girls remember cause this was years ago but for me it was a very significant turning point as I realised I was seeing myself exactly the same way my mum saw herself (and me).

My mother never encouraged me to do anything that either she wasn't interested in herself, or that she had no personal experience f (so didn't understand why anyone else would want to).

Dementia hasn't affected her ability to do this or stick the knife in. Luckily I always disliked her enough to stand my ground, I refused to let her hold me back in life.

@Dooobedoo

Ah yes, I see my childhood in a lot of these replies. It’s also continued into adulthood, but not just with friends or hobbies.

Despite me being a high earner in a professional role, she still sends me links to jobs for entry level workers in unrelated fields and recently suggested I retrain as a HGV driver!!

I try to laugh about it now, as it’s just bonkers, but it does still hurt.

My Mum does this too. I'm an exec in a huge charity and DH works in banking.

My mum is adamant that I'm an admin assistant and he's a travel agent.

Its awful. My mother doesnt like my sister having a nice bond with her mother law. Its extremely controlling. I tell her little about our lives now

My mother never encouraged me to do anything that either she wasn't interested in herself, or that she had no personal experience f (so didn't understand why anyone else would want to).

This. Totally. I don't get the logic. Career achievement and comfortable earnings should be a good thing really? But if its in a field she does not understand, let's say running a small business - she'd be like - "but that's not serious!"
Jealousy? She herself is a PhD, but not a high earner whatsoever. She's especially sneery when somebody "uneducated" makes much, much more.

Agree with the "not getting ideas above your station" messages from parents.

I did really well at a not very good school in the 80s, top grades and a very lovely teacher suggested gently I might apply for Oxbridge or one of the top Russel Group universities but no, that wasn't for the likes of us, a red brick Uni was where people like us went if they went at all, all the ancient universities are full of posh people who we have nothing in common with etc etc etc.