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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want my DS to sit nearer his friend in high school

59 replies

southerngirl10 · 24/09/2021 22:09

My DS has just started high school. He's been placed in almost every class with a boy he had trouble with in Junior school, so much so we had to get the police involved regarding texts sent to me by the boy's father threatening my DS.

I informed the school when he was also placed in the boy's tutor group in July and they agreed to move him. So, I was surprised when they placed the boys togther again. The boy has been placed with his 2 best friends, they sit by or near each other in every class.

My DS has one of friends from Junior school and sits the other side of the class from him in every lesson apart from one and feels isolated.

I've asked the head of year if he can move to be near his friend, but she has refused. She said that seat location is random and it's the luck of the draw. Just seems a bit fishy to me that the other three have randomnly been placed to sit by each other in every class and my DS doesn't sit anywhere near his friend in each class apart from one.

They may have to stay in the same seats for the whole of year 7. My DS sits by girls (nothing wrong with those of course) for every class except the one where he sits by his friend. The boy he didn't get on with last year is surrounded by boys, plus his mates and they have already started to make at least one other friend in the class. My DS has less chance from the place where he sits.

Has anyone else experienced this? Can I do anything about it or just accept as the luck of the draw?

OP posts:

MintyCedric · 24/09/2021 22:17

There will be changes to classes once they have been assessed via CATS tests anyway.

Presumably it doesn't affect every single class he is in...is it just in Tutor group?

I understand yourq not wanting him to be too close to the boy he's had issues with, but making a drama about him sitting near his friend in every lesson is not going to do him any favours.

Does it actually bother your DS?

PeonyTime · 24/09/2021 22:24

I wouldn't focus on him sitting near his friend, but I would focus on him being separated from the boy that caused police involvement in the preceding few years.

Hercisback · 24/09/2021 22:27

You can't change a seating plan for no good reason. Wanting to be by a friend is not a good reason.

However you can request him to be away from the police involvement boy. I'd focus on that.

lazylinguist · 24/09/2021 22:27

I wouldn't focus on him sitting near his friend, but I would focus on him being separated from the boy that caused police involvement in the preceding few years.

^This. The latter is a perfectly reasonable request. The former absolutely isn't. You can't choose who your child sits next to - it's not fair.

IAmSantaOhYesIAm · 24/09/2021 22:29

Can you imagine if 30 parents from the class all phoned the school because they don’t agree with the seating plan?
I’m sorry, but without being mean I think you need to let this go. He’s not next to the boy he had trouble with, it’s a good opportunity to make new friends and they are in secondary school now not junior school so need to learn a bit of resilience and to learn to speak for themselves.
If In a few weeks he’s not made new friends or is unhappy then get him to speak to the teachers.

HunkyPunk · 24/09/2021 22:30

Presumably it doesn't affect every single class he is in...is it just in Tutor group?

Don’t know if it’s the same in the op’s
son’s school, but in my dc’s school for years 7-9, they had all lessons in their tutor groups, there was no ‘streaming’ till year 10. They used to be seated alphabetically in every class, so pretty much stuck where they were, although I think some teachers moved some pupils around, if they thought they weren’t working well together.

SethWho · 24/09/2021 22:30

The seating plan should not be random 3 weeks into term!

Lougle · 24/09/2021 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

southerngirl10 · 24/09/2021 22:36

@MintyCedric

There will be changes to classes once they have been assessed via CATS tests anyway.

Presumably it doesn't affect every single class he is in...is it just in Tutor group?

I understand yourq not wanting him to be too close to the boy he's had issues with, but making a drama about him sitting near his friend in every lesson is not going to do him any favours.

Does it actually bother your DS?

He sits next his mates in his tutor group. In 9 out of 10 classes he is with the boy and the boy's mates.

He said he couldn't understand why they get to sit by each other, yet he can't sit anywhere near his friend.

It does bother him as he feels isolated and it seems unfair to him that they all get to sit together.

I'm not sure they will move them after CATs.

OP posts:

WhatsitWiggle · 24/09/2021 22:39

My DD school is pretty much the opposite to HunkyPunk! Tutor groups for most yr7 classes, then teaching groups for yr8 and yr9 with those groups being different for each year and also some subjects. Done purposefully to encourage the children to mix and make new friends.

On top of that the seating plans were changed every half term and sooner if there were issues with behaviour.

AttaGirrrrl · 24/09/2021 22:40

There’s nothing fishy going on. The boys has been sat next to his friends accidentally (how would secondary teachers even know who y7 were friends with?) If it’s similar in all lessons, it’s probably that they are close to each other alphabetically, and your son and his friend aren’t.

I agree with PP, perfectly reasonable to ask him to be kept away from X, not appropriate to ask for him to be near Y.

WhatsitWiggle · 24/09/2021 22:42

I'd contact his tutor to explain the situation with this boy, and also explain he's feeling isolated. The tutor can then let you know how temporary the seating plan is, but also keep an eye on things during tutor time - that's the role of the tutor.

Original poster

southerngirl10 · 24/09/2021 22:43

Thank you for the replies so far. I think high school is going to be a bit or a learning curve for me. When I was in school you sat by whoever you liked, lol. Never affected anyone's learning as I remember.

In my DS's junior school he was moved around each week. Don't understand why they can't do it in high school. Quick, simple and effective.

OP posts:

cansu · 24/09/2021 22:44

You ask for him to be seated away from the boys he had problems with. You don't get to ask for him to be seated with his friend.

Original poster

southerngirl10 · 24/09/2021 22:47

@AttaGirrrrl

I agree with PP, perfectly reasonable to ask him to be kept away from X, not appropriate to ask for him to be near Y.

The secondary know who each pupil is friends with. Each child had to choose 3 friends names down on a form. My DS was placed with one of his friends, the other boy with two. Then, in 9 out of ten classes the school placed the three boys together (I can understand 2 or 3 classes together being a coincidence but not 9!).

OP posts:

Lougle · 24/09/2021 22:51

Generally, schools tend to set for some subjects, then randomly allocate a class group for the non-set classes. My DDs both have about 3 subjects they are set for, where the kids may vary because of ability, but then all the other subjects are taught as a class group that doesn't change.

TheMoth · 24/09/2021 22:54

Honestly, as someone both in possession of a yr 7 and heavily involved in setting, just leave it for now

The seating plan is often a work of art; finely balanced. One kid in the wrong place can send the whole thing toppling. You won't know the reasons certain kids are sat where they are.

And as for changing the plans each week..... for 6 or more classes of 30?

wobytide · 24/09/2021 22:56

You probably need to learn quickly that high school isn't primary school. Changing 30 kids seats in a class when the teacher knows them all is easy. If you have 2/3/400 different kids in and out of your classroom every week swapping their seats because parents aren't happy isn't going to allow teachers to know who is who and what their individual needs are

As others have said, asking for them to be separated from someone they have had issues with is a valid request. Asking them to your child with friends isn't your choice.

Hulkynothunky · 24/09/2021 23:02

He's in the same seat for all lessons? I can't understand how that works, he would have different teachers.. surely each teacher creates their own seating plan. Their rooms may have different layouts for a start. Or is this just tutor time?

I do agree focus on being away from the boy rather than who he's sat next to. And yes, seating plans are used in most schools now. It does have an impact on learning...it may be designed on behaviour or learning need. It's also helpful for students to remain seated and not keep changing the plans to help staff remember names. I teach hundreds of kids a week, it takes a while to learn everyone's names.

Mistressiggi · 24/09/2021 23:22

I'm going to go against the trend and say it's not unusual as a teacher to be asked to seat a child next to so-and-so as they are feeling a bit anxious etc.

HunkyPunk · 24/09/2021 23:46

He's in the same seat for all lessons? I can't understand how that works, he would have different teachers.. surely each teacher creates their own seating plan.

My dc’s school had the same seating plan which every teacher largely adhered to unless a particular teacher was aware of a problem - children seated according to the register, which was alphabetical.

balloonsintrees · 24/09/2021 23:48

@southerngirl10

In my DS's junior school he was moved around each week. Don't understand why they can't do it in high school. Quick, simple and effective.

Is it hell quick and simple! I teach 15 classes, and have to balance SEN, PP, more able, medical issues, anxiety, SEMH, and then friendship issues. But no problem, I'll just spend all my time twatting about with seating plans rather than actually making my lessons.

Forestdweller11 · 25/09/2021 00:01

If you had police involved then you need to act. You need to get in touch with head of year/ pastoral care. Escalate to governor's if necessary. Use the hard, emotional words such as bullying , duty of care, safeguarding, police involvement. You need to be uncompromising. You need to stress that you do not want any hint of your child being involved with any sanction on the bully. Or there will likely be a backlash, and that in turn is a safeguarding issue. You need to focus on the bully being moved, rather than your DS being moved to be with friends. If you leave it and think give it a few weeks you risk low level bullying that then erupts.

TastyToastie · 25/09/2021 00:05

Fixed, teacher-designed seating plans were the norm at the start of Y7 for my kids, often in register order while teachers learn the names. With covid they are now a feature all the way up the school. It is normal at the moment. Swaps can be made for "good reasons" but not just to sit with friends, or to avoid having to sit with girls! And there may well be a new plan regularly - it is still September.

I would let this one go. Just listen to him and empathise. Save your firepower for addressing any bullying and issues that arise with the other lad.

Kanaloa · 25/09/2021 00:13

As long as he’s separate from the boy who was bullying him then I wouldn’t make any fuss.

Imagine having to change the seating plan every time 11 year olds fell out/made friends/didn’t want to sit with Jenny etc. It would just be a mess, they’re there to learn and pay attention so it shouldn’t matter whether he’s next to a random girl or his friend.

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