AIBU to want my DS to sit nearer his friend in high school

[southerngirl10]

My DS has just started high school. He's been placed in almost every class with a boy he had trouble with in Junior school, so much so we had to get the police involved regarding texts sent to me by the boy's father threatening my DS.

I informed the school when he was also placed in the boy's tutor group in July and they agreed to move him. So, I was surprised when they placed the boys togther again. The boy has been placed with his 2 best friends, they sit by or near each other in every class.

My DS has one of friends from Junior school and sits the other side of the class from him in every lesson apart from one and feels isolated.

I've asked the head of year if he can move to be near his friend, but she has refused. She said that seat location is random and it's the luck of the draw. Just seems a bit fishy to me that the other three have randomnly been placed to sit by each other in every class and my DS doesn't sit anywhere near his friend in each class apart from one.

They may have to stay in the same seats for the whole of year 7. My DS sits by girls (nothing wrong with those of course) for every class except the one where he sits by his friend. The boy he didn't get on with last year is surrounded by boys, plus his mates and they have already started to make at least one other friend in the class. My DS has less chance from the place where he sits.

Has anyone else experienced this? Can I do anything about it or just accept as the luck of the draw?

@lazylinguist

I wouldn't focus on him sitting near his friend, but I would focus on him being separated from the boy that caused police involvement in the preceding few years.

^This. The latter is a perfectly reasonable request. The former absolutely isn't. You can't choose who your child sits next to - it's not fair.

Agreed.

I'm really surprised that he went up to that senior school, knowing that boy was going too.

The other 3 may just be near each other in the register. Don't over think this!

As a class teacher we get no information on their primary school friendship groups; why would we need this?

As for different seating plans every week, no chance. I only teach 6 different classes a week but some staff have 16. What a waste of time to redo seating plans on a weekly basis.

When our children get upset about some perceived injustice at school, which is nothing of the sort just random seat allocation, it is our job as parents to explain that fact, encourage perspective and promote resilience.

It is foolish to feed it by complaining to the school imo. This just serves to ratify your son's incorrect belief that he has been thoughtlessly or maliciously placed, whilst his enemy has been protected and favoured.

Seat allocation is done with lots of considerations in mind - aiming for the right mix of ability and behaviour usually.

It is a shame you didn't limit your complaint to the history regarding police involvement. Had you don't this on day one, there may have been some possibility of movement to separate them into different classes. By muddying the water with talk of needing him to sit nearer his friend, or referring to the fact that he has limited friendship options because he sits near girls, you have shown your first motive and anything you say now will seem like a secondary considerations ('it can't be that big of an issue if she didn't mention it before').

Your son is jealous that someone he doesn't like is in a more fortunate seating position. Encourage him to see it as random, focus on learning rather than friendships in the classroom, form relationships with those around him regardless of gender.

@southerngirl10

Thank you for the replies so far. I think high school is going to be a bit or a learning curve for me. When I was in school you sat by whoever you liked, lol. Never affected anyone's learning as I remember.

In my DS's junior school he was moved around each week. Don't understand why they can't do it in high school. Quick, simple and effective.

Changing the seating plan of one junior school class may be quick and simple, but for secondary school its really not. The teacher probably has at least 5 different classes, she doesn't know all their names and personalities yet. And there are a lot of things to consider when doing a seating plan.

Also I'm not sure what you mean by "effective". Effective for making kids disrupted and making it harder for the teacher to learn who is who, maybe. There is a reason why seating plans exist.

I imagine the seating plans at the moment are just done alphabetically while the teacher gets the feeling of the class. Also, saying that the school knows who your kids friends are. The school might know - hence why friends have been put in the same tutor group - but each individual teacher doesn't know this information about the 150+ students they teach, nor should they be expected to.

Over time the teachers will get to know the class and move them around and your son will be sat with different people. Also, he can make friends with and talk to girls.

I teach in Year 6 and am heavily involved with transition. It is indeed a steep learning curve for parents when their dc move on to secondary school. My parents are used to 'having a word' at the classroom door any day they like, complaining if their child didn't drink enough, asking me to remind their child to go to the loo, explaining why the homework hasn't been done, asking for a seat change, asking me to get involved with friendship issues.

Then, after a single summer holiday, their child is in a different school and they no longer have that level of access. The new teachers don't care about a lot of the stuff I cared about, or pretended to care about. At our secondary school it's 50/50 whether their emails are even acknowledged.

The police have been involved so I think you are well within your rights to be the exception to the rule here. If it was me I’d write an email to the Head copying in the Head of year, head of welfare, his form tutor and the chair of governors.

Dear Headteacher,

Thank you for reading this email. I have copied in the people I feel need to be aware of this and I will also be forwarding a copy to Ofsted in due course.

I am extremely unhappy with the start my son has been given at your school and I would kindly request immediate action to rectify what I feel to be an unfair allocation of seating in the year that is making my son very unhappy and anxious.

We have already requested this and been told no, hence my subsequent letter to you now.

(Insert other boys name here) is in my sons class. We have previously had police involvement due to bullying and harassment from this child. You have now sat him in the same classes. I find this extremely disappointing and worrying and it is damaging my sons mental health. This boy has been seated in a group with all of his friends and yet my son has been seated away from his one friend, surrounded by girls and he feels isolated and unhappy. Why is this other child being over accommodated when my son has been the victim of a crime by him? This is discrimination. Please rectify this situation urgently.

I look forward to your reply.

Best wishes

Screw it. You have a parenting duty to protect your child and the police have been involved. This is not ok. Fight for your kid. I would. If they don’t reply you then escalate to the local authority and ofsted

Maybe he could make friends with a girl

They are supposed to make friends at break. They are not allowed to talk socially in lesson time at high school.

Try to trust your son's school and cut the apron strings a little more. The school knows about education and you know about parenting him when he gets home each day.

@fourminutestosavetheworld can we not imply that primary school teachers care more than secondary please? I have always answered every email and my SLT would not support me if I ignored parent emails. Maybe your local secondary doesn't, but my school do. The jobs are very very different...children are expected to grow in resilience. Secondaries still care very much about their pupils.

I think your focus is in the wrong place, surely your son will make new friends so really doesn't need to be close to old ones. However, I would want our children out of the class of a child at tbe epicentre pf something serious enough to involve tbe police. At the moment it sounds like jealousy, schools won't entertain that.

Just seems a bit fishy to me that the other three have randomnly been placed to sit by each other in every class and my DS doesn't sit anywhere near his friend in each class apart from one.

This does seem fishy. Is it possible the school has decided the child causing issues for your DS works/copes best when sat next to his friends? Does this boy do anything to your ds in class or is disruptive generally?

He should be moved from the boy he had trouble with without doubt and it’s shocking they’ve ignored this request, it’s obvious safeguarding.

As for sitting with his mate, nah. My DS started secondary this month too, only 2 of his primary school peers went to the same school and he wasn’t close to either of them. He’s made new friends.

@pelosi I can 100% guarantee to you that their teacher did not deliberately sit them together, then lie to another parent about denying requests to sit near friends. We're far too simple for such elaborate, and utterly pointless, cunning plots.

Obviously it's important the boy is protected from the bully. Now OP should remind her child that class time is for class work.

@Hercisback

You can't change a seating plan for no good reason. Wanting to be by a friend is not a good reason.

However you can request him to be away from the police involvement boy. I'd focus on that.

Absolutely I would saying that the fact you had to get the police involved over that child is a reason to keep him in a different class to your son. Do not focus your son being with his friends, that will be ignored by the school.

[quote RBKB]@fourminutestosavetheworld can we not imply that primary school teachers care more than secondary please? I have always answered every email and my SLT would not support me if I ignored parent emails. Maybe your local secondary doesn't, but my school do. The jobs are very very different...children are expected to grow in resilience. Secondaries still care very much about their pupils.[/quote]
I'm didn't intend to imply that. I work closely with secondary colleagues and count many as genuine friends. I suppose what I mean is the spurious nonsense that primary teachers can't escape, is less tolerated at secondary and rightly so.

Im a teacher and I change the seating plan whenever I feel the need! Also, our school would absolutely move your child into a different class (unless it's a tiny school with only one class running). There's no harm in asking and a lot to be gained by ot for your son

If it’s affecting your ds’s mental health, I think it’s worth pursuing. Don’t approach it asking to change seats though. Meet the pastoral team and express concern about his mental health in general and how this boy and his mates are affecting him.
Having a friend sit with him may be part of the solution, but that needs to be worked up to.

[quote RBKB]@pelosi I can 100% guarantee to you that their teacher did not deliberately sit them together, then lie to another parent about denying requests to sit near friends. We're far too simple for such elaborate, and utterly pointless, cunning plots.

Obviously it's important the boy is protected from the bully. Now OP should remind her child that class time is for class work.[/quote]
So it’s 100% guaranteed those 3 boys have been randomly seated together in every class?

Or does the same seating apply in every class?

My knowledge here is limited so can only rely on what others.

I agree with others that you wouldn't be unreasonable to make a fuss about him being in the same form as the other boy.

You would be unreasonable to make a fuss about being sat with girls. Indeed, doing do so would really harm your argument for being moved away from the boy (assuming you want this)

So it’s 100% guaranteed those 3 boys have been randomly seated together in every class?
Its probably not random, it's probably done by the register. Very common to have seating plans done alphabetically by surname at the start of the year and would explain why the same people are together in each class.
Whats the other explanation? That all the teachers are in cahoots and deliberately sat OPs son away from his friends while deliberately sitting other boy with his friends. Why would they do that?

@SethWho

The seating plan should not be random 3 weeks into term!

It depends on the class. If the teacher only sees them once a week and perhaps they have missed a lesson due to setting in activities/extended assemblies then may have only had two lessons. Some subjects he may only have once a fortnight in which case the teacher may have only seen the class once or twice. That’s not enough time to get to know the class and personalise their seating plan.

@HungryHippo11

So it’s 100% guaranteed those 3 boys have been randomly seated together in every class? Its probably not random, it's probably done by the register. Very common to have seating plans done alphabetically by surname at the start of the year and would explain why the same people are together in each class. Whats the other explanation? That all the teachers are in cahoots and deliberately sat OPs son away from his friends while deliberately sitting other boy with his friends. Why would they do that?

That does seem to make sense. OP, could they be seated by register?

Don't send the email someone suggested! You'll look extremely petty talking about the girls etc. When you contact the school keep to the situation between your ds and the other boy. If the school were aware of police involvement prior to the start of term then I would say that they were wrong to put them in the same registration class and maybe this could be rectified. Be prepared that it would probably be your ds that is moved not the other boy. Otherwise all you can ask for is that they are not seated near each other and if possible, any future setting or class changes could they bear the problem in mind. Hopefully apart from this your ds is settling well and concentrating on his lessons. Thinking about the perceived injustice of seating plans is not a good use of time.

Teachers don’t have time to commit to memory which new year 7 is friends with who! It’s perfectly reasonable to ask your son to be moved away from the problem boy, but that’s it. My school has 145 new year 7s that come from 20 different primaries. Theres is no way I can learn what you’re expecting. If they’re in sets then moving out of class might not be possible so it sounds like the staff have done a good job in keeping them seated away from each other during lessons. Seating plans are likely to be done alphabetically in the first instance to help teachers learn names. And seating everyone boy/girl only works if there’s the same number of each in the class. Most teachers have a little move around anyway at different points in the year.

And to the poster saying secondary teachers don’t care you can piss right off. I care very much about my pupils but I teach 250 a week and I’m only there 3 days! There is no way I can check each one is going to the toilet and drinking their water. What a bloody ridiculous comment to make. We do a different job.