AIBU to want my DS to sit nearer his friend in high school

[southerngirl10]

My DS has just started high school. He's been placed in almost every class with a boy he had trouble with in Junior school, so much so we had to get the police involved regarding texts sent to me by the boy's father threatening my DS.

I informed the school when he was also placed in the boy's tutor group in July and they agreed to move him. So, I was surprised when they placed the boys togther again. The boy has been placed with his 2 best friends, they sit by or near each other in every class.

My DS has one of friends from Junior school and sits the other side of the class from him in every lesson apart from one and feels isolated.

I've asked the head of year if he can move to be near his friend, but she has refused. She said that seat location is random and it's the luck of the draw. Just seems a bit fishy to me that the other three have randomnly been placed to sit by each other in every class and my DS doesn't sit anywhere near his friend in each class apart from one.

They may have to stay in the same seats for the whole of year 7. My DS sits by girls (nothing wrong with those of course) for every class except the one where he sits by his friend. The boy he didn't get on with last year is surrounded by boys, plus his mates and they have already started to make at least one other friend in the class. My DS has less chance from the place where he sits.

Has anyone else experienced this? Can I do anything about it or just accept as the luck of the draw?

Ask to be separated from the police involvement boy.

Do the three boys have a surname ending in the same letter ? In my experience that has a lot of weight in year 7 - my son has a surname ending with T and sat with other people who were around T in the alphabet. It's a logical way to arrange 30 people you don't know and learn their names but I'm happy for a teacher to correct me on this.

In ds's school they purposely avoid sitting friends together, and where possible mix boys and girls to reduce chatting and carrying on in class. The first few weeks there are regular shuffles to separate those that chat and carry on. It is a big thing for kids and there has always been seating arrangements he hasn't been happy with either because it was "unfair" someone else had a "good" seat or he didn't like the person he was seated next to because they smelled/fidgeted/had nits/noone liked/they were a bully/talked too much/were a girl** (delete as appropriate).

He was told too bad, while in the class you are there to listen to the teacher, learn and do work, not mess around with friends. You have plenty of time to talk to friends in the corridor, breaktime or before/after school. You need to learn if it is just a minor annoyance get over it.

I would say the same to your ds, with the caveat to let you (or preferably his teacher or pupil support teacher) know straight away if the other boy brings trouble his way again so it can be nipped in the bud in secondary. Has there been any in class incidents since they moved to high school?

The secondary know who each pupil is friends with.

The school having been informed and the class teacher actually knowing are two very different things at secondary.

As mentioned, the seating plans are probably alphabetical. I’d ask for your DS to be moved to a different class away from the police involvement kid, that’s entirely reasonable. Chances are teachers won’t know about that either and you might even have the situation in the next seating plan that they are sat next to each other.

You need to let go of the notion that primary school friendships continue in secondary too. It's really common by October half term to not even remember which primary people came from as they are a pupil at the current school first and foremost.

Police involved because child’s father threatened another parent?? I’m guessing child doesn’t have the greatest home life. There’s a possibility that school have seated him with friends to get him to engage, attend, etc. I’m not a teacher and am guessing.

If that’s what’s happened, then on one level, its unfair that he is treated differently, but on another it’s unfair that his home life isn’t that great. Would your DS be open to hearing that sometimes adjustments have to be made to meet people’s needs, even when it’s the little fuckwit who he hates.

@ChocolateRiver

And to the poster saying secondary teachers don’t care you can piss right off. I care very much about my pupils but I teach 250 a week and I’m only there 3 days! There is no way I can check each one is going to the toilet and drinking their water. What a bloody ridiculous comment to make. We do a different job.

For fucks sake. Is this directed at me? I didn't say that or mean to imply it. I've already been pulled up on it and explained. Of course you don't have time. That's my point.

@fourminutestosavetheworld

When our children get upset about some perceived injustice at school, which is nothing of the sort just random seat allocation, it is our job as parents to explain that fact, encourage perspective and promote resilience.

It is foolish to feed it by complaining to the school imo. This just serves to ratify your son's incorrect belief that he has been thoughtlessly or maliciously placed, whilst his enemy has been protected and favoured.

Seat allocation is done with lots of considerations in mind - aiming for the right mix of ability and behaviour usually.

It is a shame you didn't limit your complaint to the history regarding police involvement. Had you don't this on day one, there may have been some possibility of movement to separate them into different classes. By muddying the water with talk of needing him to sit nearer his friend, or referring to the fact that he has limited friendship options because he sits near girls, you have shown your first motive and anything you say now will seem like a secondary considerations ('it can't be that big of an issue if she didn't mention it before').

Your son is jealous that someone he doesn't like is in a more fortunate seating position. Encourage him to see it as random, focus on learning rather than friendships in the classroom, form relationships with those around him regardless of gender.

You are assuming quite a lot in this post which surprises me as someone who says they are a teacher.

I have no idea how seating works and asked the school if my son could be moved nearer to his friend, many of his friends in other classes have been placed nearer theirs. After reading the posts others have written, I now have a better understanding.

As for my son being jealous. I think that's a bit small minded. I don't think he's jealous, more confused. He's only been in the school two weeks.

@BananaPB

Ask to be separated from the police involvement boy.

Do the three boys have a surname ending in the same letter ? In my experience that has a lot of weight in year 7 - my son has a surname ending with T and sat with other people who were around T in the alphabet. It's a logical way to arrange 30 people you don't know and learn their names but I'm happy for a teacher to correct me on this.

Three boys - one boy's surname begins with 'w', the other in 'e' the other 's'. Can't be done by register.

"As for my son being jealous. I think that's a bit small minded. I don't think he's jealous, more confused. He's only been in the school two weeks."

If it's not register, it's a mix of academic ability, behaviour and SEN Issues. You can ask.