AIBU - old friend sleeping with my ex

itsmellslikepopcarn · 2021-09-24T09:27:19+00:00

What are your thoughts on this? Some back info - with ex for 8 years, engaged albeit briefly and have DD together. separated for 2.5 years, after the women he left me for broke up with him he immediately started spending a lot of time with an old friend of ours. I haven’t spent proper time with the girl since having DD but we would see each other at birthday parties etc, and spoke every couple of weeks online. I’d say about 10 years ago she was my best friend, she used to model for my business, we would go out together regularly and spoke everyday. I’ve cut her off completely now because I think it’s a line you do not cross. I wouldn’t dream of sleeping and getting into a relationship with her ex who is a mutual friend of ours, but neither ex or old friend think they have done anything wrong. AIBU to think she has crossed a line?

NotPersephone · 24/09/2021 10:28

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inkhopper · 24/09/2021 10:33

I can see why it hurts but they are both adults and it's been 2.5 years since you split up. Maybe she could have approached it with you sooner and more sensitively, but if you have feelings for someone, and are both single it's hard to find too much fault. You can't control who you find attractive. Depends how they approached you with the information really. If you found out through someone else then it's not on.

KimchiJjigae · 24/09/2021 10:34

I thought it might be an old ex from the past that you'd been with a couple of years and was going to say it's a bit dodgy but maybe not completely awful, if you're not really friends now.

However, given that you used to be best friends, were with your ex for almost a decade and you have a child together - so you're still very much in each other's lives, definitely a big no!

Even if you have zero feelings for the guy, it's disrespectful. I think you did the right thing phasing her out. Too awkward.

Recessed · 24/09/2021 10:37

Loads on people on here will say it's perfectly fine/you don't own him blah blah blah, but in the real world everyone would raise an eyebrow if a woman started dating her friends ex, you just don't do it. However as you are not close friends anymore she probably feels it's not so bad and justifies it that way.

Original poster

itsmellslikepopcarn · 24/09/2021 10:40

I basically asked ex about it because I had my suspicions - she was suddenly tagging him a lot on things on social media, and I was (stupidly) occasionally going round to his house to spend some time with his dog after his ex left because he WFT. He just asked yeah they were sleeping together, and i haven’t spoken to her since, but she has seen mutual friends of ours who think it’s out of order but she has told them she doesn’t feel guilty at all.

I agree though, i think even if I didn’t have DD i probably wouldn’t care as much, but here we are. She also knows he cheated, knows he left me for someone else and isn’t that great of a “co-parent” but she has completely disregarded all of that.

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Anothermothernamegame · 24/09/2021 10:41

You say she was a friend of both of yours. But was she his friend first/foremost? If so then YABU, if not and she was your friend first then YANBU

PlonkyWillyWonky · 24/09/2021 10:43

its a bit eugh , can't explain why but it is

Ashitaka · 24/09/2021 10:44

Both single - neither in a relationship with you, and its 2.5 years later.

It is what it is

Original poster

itsmellslikepopcarn · 24/09/2021 10:49

@Anothermothernamegame

You say she was a friend of both of yours. But was she his friend first/foremost? If so then YABU, if not and she was your friend first then YANBU

She knew him first, they lived together in a big house share when I met them both. I do get your point, but I’ve also known her for 13 years now and since then we have been a lot closer than him and her.

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pollypocketlover · 24/09/2021 10:52

It's a crap thing for her to do. Especially since you and your ex have a child together. If they got serious she could become your child's step mother, your relationships are too intertwined for it not to be an issue.

Anothermothernamegame · 24/09/2021 10:59

'She knew him first, they lived together in a big house share when I met them both. I do get your point, but I’ve also known her for 13 years now and since then we have been a lot closer than him and her.'

Unfortunately then, as shit as it is, I think YABU. They had a friendship independent of, and which preceded, you. Sorry.

DrManhattan · 24/09/2021 11:00

No you don't go with your mates ex's.

FreeBritnee · 24/09/2021 11:03

Just let it play out. He’ll cheat on her at some point and will probably reach out to you on the hope of a sympathetic ear.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 24/09/2021 11:04

Urgh - grim as fuck!
You aren't under any obligation to remain friends (or even on friendly terms) with someone who considers this to be okay. Sometimes there are choices to be made in life, she's made hers and you have made yours.

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 24/09/2021 11:07

@Anothermothernamegame

'She knew him first, they lived together in a big house share when I met them both. I do get your point, but I’ve also known her for 13 years now and since then we have been a lot closer than him and her.'

Unfortunately then, as shit as it is, I think YABU. They had a friendship independent of, and which preceded, you. Sorry.

I agree with this. I’m not without sympathy - my best mate and ex (together 8 years) started sleeping together as we were in the process of splitting and it was just awful - but she knew him first and you’ve been split for a while. They are free to behave as they see fit.

Doesn’t mean you have to like it but they’ve not done anything wrong.

Thatsplentyjack · 24/09/2021 11:07

You say you haven't actually spent any time with her since you had your dd. How old is your dd? I'm guessing at least 2 but she could be 8. She probably doesn't see you as a friend anymore 🤷‍♀️

queenrollo · 24/09/2021 11:08

It's not a hill I would choose to die on and indeed I didn't.
My ex got together with someone who had been our friend (she even lived with us for a while when she needed a roof over her head) and 13 years later they are still together and have been married for 10 years.

I met my now DH about the same time as they got together and we all co-parent amicably.
Having seen first hand and on here, just how much shit some people go through with their ex's I would think very hard about coming to terms with this and just letting it go.

Laserbird16 · 24/09/2021 11:08

Not great but she's welcome to him. It does sound like you might want to reevaluate your boundaries with him. I wouldn't spend time with someone's dog if they cheated on me...even if it was a very nice dog. Keep it business and then chin up.

Thatsplentyjack · 24/09/2021 11:10

@itsmellslikepopcarn

I basically asked ex about it because I had my suspicions - she was suddenly tagging him a lot on things on social media, and I was (stupidly) occasionally going round to his house to spend some time with his dog after his ex left because he WFT. He just asked yeah they were sleeping together, and i haven’t spoken to her since, but she has seen mutual friends of ours who think it’s out of order but she has told them she doesn’t feel guilty at all.

I agree though, i think even if I didn’t have DD i probably wouldn’t care as much, but here we are. She also knows he cheated, knows he left me for someone else and isn’t that great of a “co-parent” but she has completely disregarded all of that.

Well to be fair you seem to have disregarded all of that too as your going round to his to do him favours so.....

Original poster

itsmellslikepopcarn · 24/09/2021 11:11

Thanks for all the comments, I do wish people who voted would say why I’m BU 😂

I do get the comments about them being friends first, but I personally don’t see longevity of a friendship necessarily reflecting in how close they actually were. I’ve known most of the men in our friendship group longer than the women who I became friends with after their relationship began, it still doesn’t mean if they broke up I would ever dream of sleeping with one of them because it would hurt them.

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Original poster

itsmellslikepopcarn · 24/09/2021 11:13

And yes, definitely fully aware that I have issues with boundaries 😂 I justified it to myself that I was doing it for the dog, not him, so he wasn’t stuck in a crate for 9 hours a day.

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WildfirePonie · 24/09/2021 11:16

Are you still going to look after his dog after receiving this info?

I wouldn't do anything for him again.

girlmom21 · 24/09/2021 11:18

I would never want to be friends with someone who was my best friend and thinks it's ok to sleep with the father of my child. You've done the right thing in cutting her off IMO.

Are they just sleeping together or are they seeing each other? If it's just sex I can understand why they haven't spoken to you about it.

Original poster

itsmellslikepopcarn · 24/09/2021 11:18

@WildfirePonie

Are you still going to look after his dog after receiving this info?

I wouldn't do anything for him again.

Haha no, absolutely not! Unfortunately he’s since tried to take the dog to a shelter who refused to take him because he is agressive to other dogs, so I’m guessing he’s cooped up in a crate for most of the day now.

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TheVanguardSix · 24/09/2021 11:20

It’s just a no-fly zone, isn’t it?
We all know we’re allowed to do it, but you don’t do it. It’s just not on really even if it’s not wrong.
But for your own sake, I’d work on flushing those negative feelings out (totally normal that you’d feel this way!) and not letting their little fling impact your enjoyment and happiness. It takes time but eventually you won’t even bat and eye (they’ll be broken up by then!).
In the meantime, it’s not easy to just accept this and be all cool and relaxed about it. When my ex moved on for the first time, that was bloody hard and emotional and I didn’t even know the woman! Your former best friend… of course you feel a bit betrayed OP! You won’t always though. Let the weirdos have each other.