Page 2 | AIBU - old friend sleeping with my ex

itsmellslikepopcarn · 2021-09-24T09:27:19+00:00

What are your thoughts on this? Some back info - with ex for 8 years, engaged albeit briefly and have DD together. separated for 2.5 years, after the women he left me for broke up with him he immediately started spending a lot of time with an old friend of ours. I haven’t spent proper time with the girl since having DD but we would see each other at birthday parties etc, and spoke every couple of weeks online. I’d say about 10 years ago she was my best friend, she used to model for my business, we would go out together regularly and spoke everyday. I’ve cut her off completely now because I think it’s a line you do not cross. I wouldn’t dream of sleeping and getting into a relationship with her ex who is a mutual friend of ours, but neither ex or old friend think they have done anything wrong. AIBU to think she has crossed a line?

punnetofgrapes · 24/09/2021 11:21

I slept with friends ex (married 2 kids). Not ashamed we have been together 20 yrs married 15. I saw her (DH EXW) behaviour when they were married - she was neither faithful or kind we stopped being friends, they stopped being married a few years later. We got together when they had been separated 2 years.

TedMullins · 24/09/2021 11:29

I can see why you feel hurt but if you’d drifted apart and she was friends with him first I think YAB a bit U. Although I would judge her for getting involved with a bloke who’s clearly shown himself to be a shit by cheating on you and by the sounds of it mistreating his dog. I’d bet it’s only aggressive because he hasn’t trained it properly!

Maskless · 24/09/2021 11:30

I've never understood this objection that women have to who their ex goes out with -- especially when a year, two or more have passed AND you aren't even close friends with his new squeeze.

It's over, so why do you give a damn?

I'm so out of step with this ideology that, some years ago, I actually set up my best friend on a date with my ex boyfriend, because he was lonely and single and so was she. I felt really gratified when they quickly moved in together and had a good relationship (they lived together for five years).

I felt rather proud of my "matchmaking" skills in putting them together, as well as really happy for my ex who had found someone else after months of feeling lonely with out, AND happy for my girlfriend, as I knew she would be in safe hands because he was a good bloke and not one who would hit her or control her or anything like that, which her previous men had.

She and I even had a secret giggle about his sexual prowess. I was a tiny bit jealous that she was enjoying that side of him, but it was me who ended it (because our lifestyles/intellect/values were incompatible) so why should I be put out when he found happiness elsewhere?

Viviennemary · 24/09/2021 11:34

I wouldn't like it either. But the point is you can't dictate who she can date. Thats why I voted YABU. But sometines its OK to be U.

Original poster

itsmellslikepopcarn · 24/09/2021 11:34

@Maskless

I've never understood this objection that women have to who their ex goes out with -- especially when a year, two or more have passed AND you aren't even close friends with his new squeeze.

It's over, so why do you give a damn?

I'm so out of step with this ideology that, some years ago, I actually set up my best friend on a date with my ex boyfriend, because he was lonely and single and so was she. I felt really gratified when they quickly moved in together and had a good relationship (they lived together for five years).

I felt rather proud of my "matchmaking" skills in putting them together, as well as really happy for my ex who had found someone else after months of feeling lonely with out, AND happy for my girlfriend, as I knew she would be in safe hands because he was a good bloke and not one who would hit her or control her or anything like that, which her previous men had.

She and I even had a secret giggle about his sexual prowess. I was a tiny bit jealous that she was enjoying that side of him, but it was me who ended it (because our lifestyles/intellect/values were incompatible) so why should I be put out when he found happiness elsewhere?

Probably because my ex isn’t like that, he was violent, was abusive (all of which she knows and excused because of his upbringing), cheated, isn’t a great dad and puts his work constantly before his kid, so she has completely disregarded our friendship even if we weren’t close, to be with someone like that.

And his “sexual prowess” isn’t anything to write home about either.

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Blanketsnpamphlets · 24/09/2021 11:35

I was with you until you said you met her through him. They were friends first which is a different set up (It’s still crass af of course). People rarely change so she’ll see what he’s like soon enough no doubt.

OddSockReunion · 24/09/2021 11:38

Ewwwww, gross.

I think you're right to have no further contact with her. It just shows a distinct lack of morals. Other than that, I'd ignore it. Provided she is not expecting to be involved with your child - that would be a hard no.

Yummymummy2020 · 24/09/2021 11:40

I wouldn’t be ok with that either, there are enough men around to not go after your friends ex. Especially one with a bad track record. The fact you have children makes it worse I think too! I would do the same as you!

Newgirls · 24/09/2021 11:42

I think it happens quite a lot. They know each other, same area, similar types etc

I can think of a few times that’s happened round here

But yes it does mean they’ve put themselves ahead of you and I personally wouldn’t wish to spend time with either of them

Buffoonborisisatwat · 24/09/2021 11:42

you don't want him anymore, and now you don't want someone else to have him either?

How does it affect you if they are together. You don't see much of the woman anyway. Leave them to it and disengage yourself from someone else's love life.

Even be happy for them.

The 'girl code' thing is only relevant if she's the other woman he left you for.

AryaStarkWolf · 24/09/2021 11:42

I had originally voted YANBU but since they knew each other and lived together before you knew her then I've changed my mind actually

Original poster

itsmellslikepopcarn · 24/09/2021 11:45

I didn’t meet her through him, I met them both at the same time. Ex and I were friends for 3 years before we got together.

I couldn’t give a crap who “has him”, I just think it’s shitty behaviour of a supposed friend when we have DD together

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NoYOUbekind · 24/09/2021 11:48

Thing is, she's a fool. She's now seeing an abusive man and she knows he's abusive because someone she knows and trusts - even if that was in the past - has told her this. I don't have enough time in my day to hang out with fools and I'm sure you don't either.

Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 24/09/2021 11:50

That is really shitty. Idon't think the fact she knew him first excuses the behaviour. A line has been definitely crossed. No doubt you also confided in her about the relationship which makes her a sneak to do it knowing what she knows. On his part I think he is being quite disrespectful towards you and I certainly wouldn't be doing any favours for him going forward like dog sitting. See them for what they are and act accordingly x

Gizlotsmum · 24/09/2021 11:50

Why are you more hurt by her role in this than his? Do you think she owed you something more than him?

TheNatureOfTheCatastrophe · 24/09/2021 11:52

If a friend of mine was dating a violent abusive man I'd be concerned for her. Being cross with her because she was violating some kind of friend-code would be the least of my concerns.

I think your feelings towards this man are a bit of a mess.

Original poster

itsmellslikepopcarn · 24/09/2021 11:53

@Gizlotsmum

Why are you more hurt by her role in this than his? Do you think she owed you something more than him?

Probably because I expected more from her, the last 5 years since DD has been born has been nothing but abuse and hurt from him. He is a narcissist and manipulator, this is absolutely his realm of behaviour.

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CounsellorTroi · 24/09/2021 11:54

I don’t understand this rule either. If your friend once dated someone, that means they are off limits to you for ever?

ExConstance · 24/09/2021 11:54

I can't see anything wrong with this, they have known each other for years and are both single, you say he is not catch and you don't want him back. She will presumably know all his faults anyway so it might work out for them.

gogohm · 24/09/2021 11:55

If you have split up (and she wasn't the cause) then I'm not sure whether it's really an issue - a bit weird but they are both single adults and you are not with him. You also indicated he knew her first

Original poster

itsmellslikepopcarn · 24/09/2021 11:55

@TheNatureOfTheCatastrophe

If a friend of mine was dating a violent abusive man I'd be concerned for her. Being cross with her because she was violating some kind of friend-code would be the least of my concerns.

I think your feelings towards this man are a bit of a mess.

She knows what he’s like. She has probably even witnessed one of his outbursts. After we broke up and I explained even a minuscule idea of the kind of man he was, she brushed it under the table with how long she had known him and what a good person he was, he just had a bad upbringing.

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Coyoacan · 24/09/2021 11:56

I've never understood this objection that women have to who their ex goes out with -- especially when a year, two or more have passed AND you aren't even close friends with his new squeeze

This

I would never get together with a friend's ex if she still had feelings for him.

grapewine · 24/09/2021 11:57

But you said that you weren't really friends with her anymore.

Just leave them to it.

Thatsplentyjack · 24/09/2021 11:57

So you've barely seen this wan in 5 year, yet you expect her to have se sort of loyalty to you?

Thatsplentyjack · 24/09/2021 11:57

Woman, not wan