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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - old friend sleeping with my ex

82 replies

itsmellslikepopcarn · 24/09/2021 10:27

What are your thoughts on this?

Some back info - with ex for 8 years, engaged albeit briefly and have DD together. separated for 2.5 years, after the women he left me for broke up with him he immediately started spending a lot of time with an old friend of ours.

I haven’t spent proper time with the girl since having DD but we would see each other at birthday parties etc, and spoke every couple of weeks online. I’d say about 10 years ago she was my best friend, she used to model for my business, we would go out together regularly and spoke everyday.

I’ve cut her off completely now because I think it’s a line you do not cross. I wouldn’t dream of sleeping and getting into a relationship with her ex who is a mutual friend of ours, but neither ex or old friend think they have done anything wrong. AIBU to think she has crossed a line?

OP posts:
SaddenedByItAll · 24/09/2021 11:58

He's a shit co parent and partner
You haven't been pals with the girl for years now and is a bit back stabby

Let them enjoy each other and think you are well out of it when it inevitably goes wrong

I couldn't get emotional about this but understand if someone could

Original poster
itsmellslikepopcarn · 24/09/2021 12:01

Thanks everyone for the replies anyway. Personally I do think men are out of bounds if a friend has had a relationship with them, particularly one of 8 years and a child together. There’s enough men out there 😂 clearly there are a lot of people who think differently though so that has helped, thanks.

And yeah, there are definitely some issues left over with the relationship. There was a lot of abuse, a lot of trauma and gaslighting. I have seeked professional help with this but never got properly referred for counselling, or it was just ignored.

OP posts:
Original poster
itsmellslikepopcarn · 24/09/2021 12:02

Also, although it probably isn’t important but she hasn’t been local for a long time until recently, either living abroad or at the opposite end of the country for the last few years.

OP posts:
pangolina · 24/09/2021 12:02

The thing is, she probably doesn't view him as her friend's ex. She probably views him as her friend, who has an ex that she used to be friends with, and probably doesn't see anything wrong with what she's done.
There's nothing wrong with any way you feel about it, but in your position I'd just be counting my blessings that he was someone else's problem.

worriedatthemoment · 24/09/2021 12:05

Two grown adults both single and you say you haven't seen much of her in last 2.5 years anyway , I can understand why you might not like it , but they have done nothing wrong and are entitled to be happy also

Potteringshed · 24/09/2021 12:06

I think you’re being a bit bizarre, frankly. Surely it’s normal to meet people through your general social group? Which means that the odds are you’ll also know their exes. She knew him first, then she met you, you guys were friends, but have since drifted, you and your ex have been apart from years – she’s done absolutely nothing wrong.

She might have bad taste in men, sure, but that’s a totally different matter.

worriedatthemoment · 24/09/2021 12:08

After your update on what he is like surely she is welcome to him anyway and more fool her getting involved if she is aware of his behaviour
But why was you even helping him with the dog if he was violent etc to you in past ?

Original poster
itsmellslikepopcarn · 24/09/2021 12:16

@worriedatthemoment

After your update on what he is like surely she is welcome to him anyway and more fool her getting involved if she is aware of his behaviour But why was you even helping him with the dog if he was violent etc to you in past ?
Because I’m an idiot! I felt bad for the dog, but Christ he used to even ring me after the woman he left me for broke up him and I’d try to console him! Like I said I’m a pushover and I’m trying to work on boundaries. Occasionally he contacts me now about stuff that isn’t to do with DD and I ignore it.
OP posts:
Mybalconyiscracking · 24/09/2021 12:21

I think you need to grow up a bit.

Inthemane · 24/09/2021 12:52

Bless you for caring about the dog OP. What a horrible life for him cooped up in a crate all day and under socialised, no wonder the poor thing is aggressive. I think it’s sensible of you to consider the dog since your child will be around it. If you can speak to ex, there are other shelters who might be able to help, maybe try www.nawt.org.uk/centres
Sounds like you’re well rid both the ex and the friend! Flowers

Original poster
itsmellslikepopcarn · 24/09/2021 13:00

@Inthemane

Bless you for caring about the dog OP. What a horrible life for him cooped up in a crate all day and under socialised, no wonder the poor thing is aggressive. I think it’s sensible of you to consider the dog since your child will be around it. If you can speak to ex, there are other shelters who might be able to help, maybe try www.nawt.org.uk/centres Sounds like you’re well rid both the ex and the friend! Flowers
Thanks for your comment. I have 4 dogs myself (and 3 cats, must be mental) so I’m definitely too soft when it comes to animals. It’s such a shame as he’s such a great dog, you can tell he’s really loving and wants to please but he’s had zero training and absolutely no socialising since being a puppy which explains the aggression. Luckily he’s great with DD. Thanks for the shelter suggestion, they’re very far from us though and I doubt he would drive to one so far away.
OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 24/09/2021 13:03

Really don't get the 'ewww gross' type replies (unless the pp us a teenager). They are two single people who knew each other independently of you. However much if a shit he is, you thought he was good enough to have an 8y relationship with and a child. We usually think our exes are twats or they wouldn't be ex. Other people see them differently. If she'd been involved in the break up, sure, it's a betrayal but now, no
Really no concern of yours or remotely of any consequence.

TedMullins · 24/09/2021 13:40

The only thing I would think about this friend after your updates is what an idiot she is, and more fool her if she thinks she's somehow "different" to him that he won't become abusive to her. The fact she's chosen to stay friends with a deadbeat dad who abuses his partners and mistreats his dog says very bad things about her character, and you're better off without someone with such terrible judgement in your life.

In general though I agree that having a blanket rule that none of your friends can go near your exes is ridiculous and I thought everyone grew out of that by high school. It depends on the context. An ex who dumped you a week ago and you're devastated about = obviously off limits. An ex you dated years ago and are on civil terms with or indifferent to = fine.

Geamhradh · 24/09/2021 13:43

@pollypocketlover

It's a crap thing for her to do. Especially since you and your ex have a child together. If they got serious she could become your child's step mother, your relationships are too intertwined for it not to be an issue.
Isn't it more of a crap thing for him to do? He's the one who has children with the OP not his new partner.
pollypocketlover · 24/09/2021 14:00

@Geamhradh yep, but OP wasn't asking about him, she was asking about her ex friend.

Hakunapotato · 24/09/2021 14:21

It’s not her friend’s ex. It is her friend. For all anyone knows, she had feelings before you came on the scene. I can understand why you aren’t happy or comfortable with it but they aren’t doing anything wrong.

RedMarauder · 24/09/2021 14:26

@worriedatthemoment

Two grown adults both single and you say you haven't seen much of her in last 2.5 years anyway , I can understand why you might not like it , but they have done nothing wrong and are entitled to be happy also
This.

You do not own him.

I actually know people who got married to a good friend's ex. Some of them then learnt the hard way why that person was their friend's ex.....

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/09/2021 15:10

If someone shagged anyone they knew had abused me, whether they were a long term ex a short term ex a fling or whatever, I would no longer speak to that person.

AryaStarkWolf · 24/09/2021 15:14

@itsmellslikepopcarn

Thanks everyone for the replies anyway. Personally I do think men are out of bounds if a friend has had a relationship with them, particularly one of 8 years and a child together. There’s enough men out there 😂 clearly there are a lot of people who think differently though so that has helped, thanks.

And yeah, there are definitely some issues left over with the relationship. There was a lot of abuse, a lot of trauma and gaslighting. I have seeked professional help with this but never got properly referred for counselling, or it was just ignored.

Well yeah if she had just been your friend but she knew and had a friendship with him before you knew either of them so that changes things a bit
ClaryFairchild · 25/09/2021 02:12

It's not ideal, but you can get to the point that you stop meeting many new people so inevitably you get involved with people in the same social group, and they will be an ex of someone in the group.

You don't have to like it, but she hasn't got anything to be ashamed of or have anything to apologise for.

Catflapkitkat · 25/09/2021 05:45

All these people saying - it was 2.5 years ago, they are adults, it's nothing to with you etc Nooooo - just because you can doesn't mean you should. Some people are out of bounds. A good friend's crappy ex is definitely on that list.

He has proved lacking in moral fibre - abuse, gaslighting, cheating and lacking parent. You confided in this woman. She knew how he treated you - her bar must be very low.

Good luck OP

Anothermothernamegame · 25/09/2021 06:49

@Catflapkitkat

All these people saying - it was 2.5 years ago, they are adults, it's nothing to with you etc Nooooo - just because you can doesn't mean you should. Some people are out of bounds. A good friend's crappy ex is definitely on that list.

He has proved lacking in moral fibre - abuse, gaslighting, cheating and lacking parent. You confided in this woman. She knew how he treated you - her bar must be very low.

Good luck OP

But to the woman now with him, he isn't a good friends ex, he is her mate that she lived with years ago, before he got with OP.
twoandeights · 25/09/2021 06:57

Are you not missing an opportunity here? Yeah it’s a bit shit but they used to live together. Maybe this is the one for them both? It’s just taken years to figure it out. If you’re over him then you could potentially have a really good friendship couple that you’re missing out on. You’re never going to be with him again but you, him and her could be best mates? It’s been 2.5 years. Time to move on? If you found someone else you’ve maybe got yourself a friendship group there. Could be really nice? I’m just putting a different spin on it. Friends are worth a lot and you’ve been looking after his dog so you guys are kind of mates anyway right?

Bluntness100 · 25/09/2021 07:02

I’m sorry but I understand why it hurts but I think you’re being unreasonable, he isn’t just her mates ex, he was his friend long before she met you and they even lived together.

They aren’t doing anything wrong, they are both single and can form a relationship aith each other, you don’t get life long dibs on him becayse you developed a friendship with her too.

I mean this gently but are you jealous?

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 25/09/2021 07:03

She's a cunt. When he cheats on her or tries to, sit back and enjoy 🍷