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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this an emotionally abusive relationship?

61 replies

ncforadvice21 · 24/09/2021 09:39

If you have postnatal depression and your partner continually makes comments such as "you can't keeping doing this" (when you cry or express frustration), and "I haven't got time for this", or just ignores you when you cry... would this be a sign of an emotionally abusive relationship? It's been suggested to me that this is the case and I should leave. But he's an excellent practical help with the baby and I have no one else, so I'd be isolating myself a lot if I left.

Just looking for thoughts and advice really.

Please no harsh comments, I'm at the end of what I can cope with emotionally and I have no one to talk to.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
ncforadvice21 · 24/09/2021 09:41

Forgot to say I'm a regular poster but NC for this post.

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 24/09/2021 09:43

Yes, it's emotionally abusive to withhold warmth, empathy and emotional support x

samwitwicky · 24/09/2021 09:44

It sounds like your partner could do with some info on PND. Doesn't sound like he understands it at all.

Was he like this before?

DeathStare · 24/09/2021 09:45

It's not very nice to experience and it's not very sensitive but without context its difficult to say its emotionally abusive. Are there other examples?

Babdoc · 24/09/2021 09:48

Well it certainly isn’t very supportive, OP.
But if he is a practical type, he may genuinely be at a loss what to say or how to help when you are distressed and depressed.
Perhaps emotional displays make him uncomfortable, and he feels panicked or inadequate at his own failure to “make things better”. Many men are practical problem solvers, rather than good at being an emotional support or a listener.
What other support do you have? Are you on antidepressants, have you seen the GP and health visitor, do you have family or friends locally to whom you could talk about this?

ThreeLittleDots · 24/09/2021 09:52

Not understanding or feeling inadequate are possible explanations, but not excuses for ignoring and dismissing your distress.

3scape · 24/09/2021 09:53

Its sounds as though they are a dick and you'd have to think about it with other factors. Are they generally at a loss with emotions? How do they handle stress? Etc. If they are very immature emotionally this might be the response too. But it is awful and you deserve to be supported emotionally as well as practically as parenthood takes a lot of work and adjustment WITHOUT your brain chemistry going all over the place. Time for a serious chat about the impact of their insensitivity on your mental health. They are making things worse.

Partnerprobs · 24/09/2021 09:53

It doesn’t sound abusive tbh

TheFoundations · 24/09/2021 09:55

There are some things that are outright abusive (violence, gaslighting, isolating the victim etc) and some things that are blurry. For example, if you are terrified of spiders, and your partner continually brings spiders in from the garden and puts them under your nose, this would be abusive. If you loved spiders, this might be a really nice thing to do.

The label 'abuse' can be something that can stop a person from responding appropriately to poor treatment, ie the victim could end up saying 'Oh well, it's not abusive to bring a spider into the house, so I shouldn't make a fuss', and putting up with years of feeling on edge in their own home.

You get to decide where your boundaries are. If they get crossed, you tell the person, calmly, that what they did made you feel bad. If they then continue to do it, they are not respecting your boundaries, and you need to take appropriate action to make a distance between them and you.

Have you explained to him how you feel when he makes these comments, and when he ignores you? If so, what was his response?

Keep in mind that PND will isolate you too (or make you feel isolated), so staying with him and allowing him to worsen your depression isn't necessarily the best way to avoid isolation.

Being ignored when you cry, and feeling that your partner doesn't care that you're upset, is enough to trigger depression on its own. You must be really hurting. There is a way through this, and you'll find it Flowers

CurlyWurly321 · 24/09/2021 09:55

I think that's more a partner who isn't understanding PND.
He could be frustrated and worried himself.

I would not automatically jump to emotional abuse in this instance.

It's a big leap the LTB. Unless there's more to it and a back story of issues.

Original poster
ncforadvice21 · 24/09/2021 09:57

@samwitwicky

It sounds like your partner could do with some info on PND. Doesn't sound like he understands it at all.

Was he like this before?

Before we had a baby he was always cold and detached if we argued (which was very infrequently), and would tend to either get up and just walk out or lose his temper and shout. But these times were few and far between because we generally had a happier better relationship pre baby, and my mental health was better back then too. I've had PND since baby was a matter of weeks old - he was much more supportive back then. Baby is now almost 6 months and I get the sense he wishes I was just "over it" now, so his support has dwindled massively.

OP posts:
PumpkinsAndCats · 24/09/2021 09:57

This on its own, nope, and neither would I leave someone for this if they are a good father and I would have no one if I left, unless you are going to drip feed more then this alone no isn’t abusive just sounds like someone who lacks understanding of PND or is being insensitive but abuse it a big leap, not everything is “abuse”

Original poster
ncforadvice21 · 24/09/2021 10:00

@Babdoc

Well it certainly isn’t very supportive, OP. But if he is a practical type, he may genuinely be at a loss what to say or how to help when you are distressed and depressed. Perhaps emotional displays make him uncomfortable, and he feels panicked or inadequate at his own failure to “make things better”. Many men are practical problem solvers, rather than good at being an emotional support or a listener. What other support do you have? Are you on antidepressants, have you seen the GP and health visitor, do you have family or friends locally to whom you could talk about this?

I have a mental health team supporting me and I'm also on antidepressants. I have family but they all have so much of their own difficulties going on at the moment I don't want to bother any of them. They know I have PND, but I don't talk to them about the ins and outs. No friends who I could open up to, just superficial friendships where I pretend I'm fine.

OP posts:
ButterflyAway · 24/09/2021 10:01

It could be that he’s fed up dealing with someone who’s mentally unwell. It is exhausting, it strips away all the joy in life and it becomes more of a carer responsibility than a partnership. It’s not abusive to have had enough.

Original poster
ncforadvice21 · 24/09/2021 10:03

@ButterflyAway

If he's had enough I wish he would just leave tbh than make me feel like this all the time.

OP posts:
PumpkinsAndCats · 24/09/2021 10:04

Why don’t you leave then?

My ex had a mental illness and it was very hard to deal with, we broke up because of it.

Original poster
ncforadvice21 · 24/09/2021 10:05

@TheFoundations

Yes I have explained to him how it makes me feel, he replies by saying "I do support you, I do this, I do that"... etc. He lists off the practical stuff he does for me and baby. He doesn't get that I mean he is lacking in empathy and emotional support. I don't get very fat trying to raise issues though as he either talks over me, sits in silence and says nothing, gets defensive and raises his voice, or walks out. Those are the typical responses.

OP posts:
ButterflyAway · 24/09/2021 10:06

You can leave if you don’t like his behaviour, why should he leave his baby just because your unwell?

Look I’ve been there. I saw everything through the lens of PND. I made everyone around me miserable because I thought it was my right to have support and help and work through the way I was feeling. I didn’t see how much I was hurting everyone around me because it was all about me and my mental health. Sometimes we really do have to pull our socks up and stop the dramatics. You have a reason for the way you feel right now, acknowledge it and focus on moving on from it.

TheFoundations · 24/09/2021 10:06

@ButterflyAway

It could be that he’s fed up dealing with someone who’s mentally unwell. It is exhausting, it strips away all the joy in life and it becomes more of a carer responsibility than a partnership. It’s not abusive to have had enough.
How you deal with it is the issue, though. Having had enough is fine, and you need to deal with that responsibly. You could explain to the depressed person that you are tired and you need a break, and take yourself off for a few hours/days to recuperate, or you could tell the depressed person that you're sick to death of their mood, you wished they weren't there, and life would be better without them.

It's not the having had enough that's the issue.

Original poster
ncforadvice21 · 24/09/2021 10:07

@PumpkinsAndCats

Why don’t you leave then?

My ex had a mental illness and it was very hard to deal with, we broke up because of it.

For a few reasons:

  1. He's a very good dad and my baby adores him. I don't want to take that away from either of them.
  1. He's a very valuable source of practical support. I have no one else locally. I'd be struggling without him in a practical sense.
  1. I'm fucking terrified to make such a big step.
OP posts:
TheFoundations · 24/09/2021 10:08

I don't get very fat trying to raise issues though as he either talks over me, sits in silence and says nothing, gets defensive and raises his voice, or walks out

I think this is more the issue, really. Has he always been like this?

Original poster
ncforadvice21 · 24/09/2021 10:08

@ButterflyAway

Where have I said he should leave his baby?!

OP posts:
Original poster
ncforadvice21 · 24/09/2021 10:09

@TheFoundations

I don't get very fat trying to raise issues though as he either talks over me, sits in silence and says nothing, gets defensive and raises his voice, or walks out

I think this is more the issue, really. Has he always been like this?

Yes.

OP posts:
ButterflyAway · 24/09/2021 10:09

@TheFoundations I don’t think there’s really anyone that’s going to turn around to a depressed person and tell them they need a break from supporting/helping them. I wouldn’t be able to do that, and no one that supported me would have either. It’d have made me feel like I was a burden and driven me further into suicidal thoughts. Similarly, it’s the reason I didn’t tell my sister I couldn’t cope with supporting her either when she went through months and months of it. It’s frustrating for both supporter and unwell person but you just have to get on with it til the worst is passed I think

ThreeLittleDots · 24/09/2021 10:11

You don't need anybody else's permission to make the choices that are right for you and your child.

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