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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this an emotionally abusive relationship?

61 replies

ncforadvice21 · 24/09/2021 09:39

If you have postnatal depression and your partner continually makes comments such as "you can't keeping doing this" (when you cry or express frustration), and "I haven't got time for this", or just ignores you when you cry... would this be a sign of an emotionally abusive relationship? It's been suggested to me that this is the case and I should leave. But he's an excellent practical help with the baby and I have no one else, so I'd be isolating myself a lot if I left.

Just looking for thoughts and advice really.

Please no harsh comments, I'm at the end of what I can cope with emotionally and I have no one to talk to.

Thanks.

OP posts:
ButterflyAway · 24/09/2021 10:11

@ncforadvice21 well if you end the relationship one of you moves out with the baby. It’s rare that’s the mother, so he would have to leave his baby and have small amounts of contact (due to the baby’s age). Not really a position someone that loves their child wants to be in

Original poster
ncforadvice21 · 24/09/2021 10:11

I don’t think there’s really anyone that’s going to turn around to a depressed person and tell them they need a break from supporting/helping them.

Well I'd honestly rather he calmly said this to me, than snapped "I haven't got time for this" when I am crying.

OP posts:
Original poster
ncforadvice21 · 24/09/2021 10:12

[quote ButterflyAway]@ncforadvice21 well if you end the relationship one of you moves out with the baby. It’s rare that’s the mother, so he would have to leave his baby and have small amounts of contact (due to the baby’s age). Not really a position someone that loves their child wants to be in[/quote]

Hence my reluctance to leave the relationship.

OP posts:
ButterflyAway · 24/09/2021 10:13

You’re mad at him for being frustrated that you’re crying again, he’s frustrated that you’re crying again, you’re both really as bad as each other. You just feel more vulnerable right now because you’re dealing with PND and that amplifies everything.

Original poster
ncforadvice21 · 24/09/2021 10:14

@ThreeLittleDots

Yes, it's emotionally abusive to withhold warmth, empathy and emotional support x

This is all I've asked him for. I've said if you just literally showed some warmth and comfort, even just a hug when I cry, anything, I'd feel probably 90% better. But he just doesn't.

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 24/09/2021 10:14

you’re both really as bad as each other

Hmm
TheFoundations · 24/09/2021 10:15

[quote ButterflyAway]@TheFoundations I don’t think there’s really anyone that’s going to turn around to a depressed person and tell them they need a break from supporting/helping them. I wouldn’t be able to do that, and no one that supported me would have either. It’d have made me feel like I was a burden and driven me further into suicidal thoughts. Similarly, it’s the reason I didn’t tell my sister I couldn’t cope with supporting her either when she went through months and months of it. It’s frustrating for both supporter and unwell person but you just have to get on with it til the worst is passed I think[/quote]
How do you think a person ought to deal with struggling with their partner's depression? Ignore their feelings until they are ground down to nothing? You don't have to say 'I need a break from you'.

'Just get on with it' is very poor advice. There are ways for either partner to take responsibility for themselves and make beneficial changes.

Original poster
ncforadvice21 · 24/09/2021 10:16

My partner would fit right in on this thread with some of the less compassionate posters!

Thanks to those who've shown some empathy. It's appreciated more than you know. X

OP posts:
ButterflyAway · 24/09/2021 10:17

@TheFoundations just get on with it is the advice I’ve been given by every counsellor, health visitor and doctor when I’ve been in the grips of it. It’s kept me alive and moving forward, i don’t consider it bad advice. Poor MH is a long term debilitating condition, it overtakes life if you don’t get on with things

TheFoundations · 24/09/2021 10:18

If he's always been like that, OP, have you ever felt that he respects your boundaries? Have you ever felt that he cares about how you feel, about making a happy environment for the two of you, as a couple? Has he ever met your needs, emotionally?

ButterflyAway · 24/09/2021 10:19

@ncforadvice21 you can get pissy that not everyone is giving you the replies you want, but I’d rather take the advice on someone who’s been there and made it through several times.

Seriallover · 24/09/2021 10:19

Google narcissistic traits. This sounds like him.

GummyBearWhere · 24/09/2021 10:20

@ButterflyAway

It could be that he’s fed up dealing with someone who’s mentally unwell. It is exhausting, it strips away all the joy in life and it becomes more of a carer responsibility than a partnership. It’s not abusive to have had enough.
I agree with this. Your partner is not being “nice” as such but neither are you (for no fault of your own). Dealing with a mentally ill person is very very difficult. Your partner may be feeling angry, fed up, sad that the “family” dream has gone to shit, worried, stressed, upset, anything really. It’s hard to have all that stuff forced on you because your partner is mentally ill, it doesn’t stop your own feelings.

If you are mentally ill you will not be capable of looking at things objectively and clearly, and your perception of your partner may be totally off. He could be genuinely supportive but you may not be able to see it. Insist the you have professional support to help you, you won’t be able to work though this on your own and it’s not your partner’s job to fix you.

TheFoundations · 24/09/2021 10:21

just get on with it is the advice I’ve been given by every counsellor, health visitor and doctor

I'm sorry you've been treated this way. No trained mental health professional should be saying 'You can't cope? You just need to get on with it.' They are supposed to provide understanding, support, and tools to help you get on with it.

SecretDoor · 24/09/2021 10:22

Rather than rely on him for an empathic chat, can you make a list of things you can soothe yourself with when you are down and crying?

Eg do a quick HiiT workout ? , have a bath? Listen to music/audible book? Have a hot chocolate , stand outside and do some calm breathing

It important we learn to be responsible for our own health needs.

Original poster
ncforadvice21 · 24/09/2021 10:23

@SecretDoor

Rather than rely on him for an empathic chat, can you make a list of things you can soothe yourself with when you are down and crying?

Eg do a quick HiiT workout ? , have a bath? Listen to music/audible book? Have a hot chocolate , stand outside and do some calm breathing

It important we learn to be responsible for our own health needs.

This is helpful, thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
ncforadvice21 · 24/09/2021 10:23

@TheFoundations

just get on with it is the advice I’ve been given by every counsellor, health visitor and doctor

I'm sorry you've been treated this way. No trained mental health professional should be saying 'You can't cope? You just need to get on with it.' They are supposed to provide understanding, support, and tools to help you get on with it.

I agree
OP posts:
Original poster
ncforadvice21 · 24/09/2021 10:25

@GummyBearWhere

I do have professional support in place, have for some time. Im having weekly therapy with a psychologist and I'm taking medication. I don't see it as my partners job to "fix me" at all, not even close. I just crave a cuddle and some empathy from him when I'm at a low point, that's all.

OP posts:
fuzzymoomin · 24/09/2021 10:29

It sounds as though he could be depressed and/or stressed too. He's doing the practical stuff but can't manage the emotional support. It is difficult being with a partner who suffers from depression over a longer time, it does take a toll on the other's mental health too. That's not a criticism of you, you cannot help it, but it could be that you are both dragging each other into a negative spiral.
Are you having counselling? Maybe he could benefit from that too? Are you managing to get yourself out every day? Does he ever have the baby so you can get time alone to meet friends or do something fun? Is there any time for him to be alone for a hobby or meet friends?
You say you don't want to bother your family but could they actually be a great support if you did ask? Perhaps they could come to stay and babysit so you and your partner can do something together that doesn't involve the baby or getting something practical done.

Recessed · 24/09/2021 10:31

I don't necessarily think it's abuse. He is obviously bad with conflict (I married one of those so I get it) those things are generally entrenched. I got rid of mine however mine was not a good source of practical support - I wouldn't have got rid of him if he was as not pulling his weight with our DC was the main issue in the relationship. Practical support is imperative when your struggling as a new mother so don't do anything rash until your mental health improves/until the baby gets a little older and their needs are not so "full on".

To be honest if you're crying very regularly most people would find that hard to deal with. I know I would and I would definitely end up snapping at someone "I haven't got time for this" etc as I would be incredibly frustrated by it. It's not your fault obviously but neither is it his.

I would try to accept that he's not a person you can depend upon for emotional support and seek that elsewhere - mum/sister/friend?

GummyBearWhere · 24/09/2021 10:33

[quote ncforadvice21]@GummyBearWhere

I do have professional support in place, have for some time. Im having weekly therapy with a psychologist and I'm taking medication. I don't see it as my partners job to "fix me" at all, not even close. I just crave a cuddle and some empathy from him when I'm at a low point, that's all. [/quote]
That’s great OP, I hope you get through this sooner rather than later. But being in a relationship with a mentally ill person absolutely changes the dynamics between you. At this present point in time he just may not feel up to something like a cuddle. It doesn’t mean that’s what it will be like forever. But remember your partner is going through this too, and being (in your perception) snappy and cranky and uncuddly might be the best he can do right now. And as one of the other posters said, you do have to be responsible for your own health needs, so just continue with professional support and do th best you can, and maybe give your partner some breathing space if that’s what he seems to need.

Original poster
ncforadvice21 · 24/09/2021 10:36

@Recessed

I don't necessarily think it's abuse. He is obviously bad with conflict (I married one of those so I get it) those things are generally entrenched. I got rid of mine however mine was not a good source of practical support - I wouldn't have got rid of him if he was as not pulling his weight with our DC was the main issue in the relationship. Practical support is imperative when your struggling as a new mother so don't do anything rash until your mental health improves/until the baby gets a little older and their needs are not so "full on".

To be honest if you're crying very regularly most people would find that hard to deal with. I know I would and I would definitely end up snapping at someone "I haven't got time for this" etc as I would be incredibly frustrated by it. It's not your fault obviously but neither is it his.

I would try to accept that he's not a person you can depend upon for emotional support and seek that elsewhere - mum/sister/friend?

Thanks this is helpful.

Just to add - I'm not crying "regularly". I do bottle it up a lot and pretend I'm fine, I smile and do the whole "yeah my day has been good" when he asks. I do that a LOT, in fact. I save the shit for therapy. But it's just that on those occasions when I can't keep up the facade anymore, and I break down, he isn't interested.

OP posts:
Lilymossflower · 24/09/2021 10:41

Sounds textbook like how my baby's dad was when I was with him. And he was a very very abusive person.

Original poster
ncforadvice21 · 24/09/2021 10:42

@fuzzymoomin

Yes I'm having therapy. He wouldn't consider counselling so there's point suggesting that. He's not the sort of person who would reach out for or accept professional help, whereas I am.

Neither of us has any time for hobbies or time with friends. When he's not at work all we do is pass the baby back and forth between us and tag team to get housework etc done. Sleep and repeat. That's it.

I can't ask my family to stay with us at the moment because of something major that's going on in the family which I can't go into on here. None of his family are involved with the baby or interested, so that's not an option. We really are very alone with it all.

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 24/09/2021 10:42

So his need for everything to 'be ok' is trumping your need to be real and receive unconditional warmth from your partner.

Being comforted occasionally is what a loving relationship is meant to be like FFS. Some posters seem to be projecting a great deal here. Only YOU know what your life is like.

You cannot heal like this. Regulating your behaviour to placate someone's inadequacies is not a healthy role model for any child either.