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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this an emotionally abusive relationship?

61 replies

ncforadvice21 · 24/09/2021 09:39

If you have postnatal depression and your partner continually makes comments such as "you can't keeping doing this" (when you cry or express frustration), and "I haven't got time for this", or just ignores you when you cry... would this be a sign of an emotionally abusive relationship? It's been suggested to me that this is the case and I should leave. But he's an excellent practical help with the baby and I have no one else, so I'd be isolating myself a lot if I left.

Just looking for thoughts and advice really.

Please no harsh comments, I'm at the end of what I can cope with emotionally and I have no one to talk to.

Thanks.

OP posts:

Lilymossflower · 24/09/2021 10:42

He sounds very emotionally cold, dismissive and unkind as well.

TheFoundations · 24/09/2021 10:45

I do bottle it up a lot and pretend I'm fine, I smile and do the whole "yeah my day has been good" when he asks. I do that a LOT, in fact. I save the shit for therapy

You can't really be yourself around him, can you.

Original poster

ncforadvice21 · 24/09/2021 10:46

@TheFoundations

I do bottle it up a lot and pretend I'm fine, I smile and do the whole "yeah my day has been good" when he asks. I do that a LOT, in fact. I save the shit for therapy

You can't really be yourself around him, can you.

Not unless I'm having a good day, no.

OP posts:

Deliaskis · 24/09/2021 10:47

I'm not sure whether it's abusive or not, but I do think he's showing you quite clearly that he's not a nice person at all. I think.....again (still!), because this is mental health, not physical, it seems to be somehow 'acceptable' to be less supportive. If you were lay in bed with an illness that made you less mobile or gave you a high level of pain, or I don't know, you lost control of bowels or whatever, somebody saying 'you can't keep doing this' or 'I don't have time for this' would universally be condemned as a very unpleasant person indeed.

It is HARD caring for somebody who is sick, in any way, and that shouldn't be under-estimated, but the sick person getting told off (and deprived of affection) for being sick isn't an approach any healthcare professional or indeed any sensible or emotionally aware adult would really advocate. Essentially he's only seeing your condition on the context of how it inconveniences him, not in terms of you being unwell and need support at all. That's not how things are supposed to be in a relationship.

OP, I had an awful time with PND too. It DOES get better.

Original poster

ncforadvice21 · 24/09/2021 11:14

@Deliaskis

I agree with everything you've said. No one would say anything like that to someone with a physical illness. Imagine saying to a diabetic "you can't keeping having blood sugar drops", etc. But because I have a mental illness it's ok to say it. 🤷‍♀️

I also think he does only see the impact on him. Another example is, the other day I was suffering from an awful migraine (they go hand in hand with my low mood sometimes), and I was supposed to meet him with the baby on his lunch break from work. When I spoke to him these morning and said I had a migraine, his first response was "so we're not meeting for lunch anymore then". I was really taken aback. Not "sorry to hear that, hope you're ok", just "great now my plans are messed up."

OP posts:

beastlyslumber · 24/09/2021 11:16

If you have to ask the question, the answer is probably 'yes'. People with supportive, kind, non-abusive partners don't ask whether they're being abused.

And yes, withholding kindness and love is a form of emotional abuse. He sounds very cruel, OP. Not only is he not helping you, he is actively making it worse.

I can understand you need him right now for practical reasons. But don't fool yourself that this is going to get better. It might, but experience suggests it's more likely to get quite a bit worse. I would focus on getting yourself as well as possible, stop asking him for any emotional support, and find other ways to get the help you need. Get yourself to a place where you can make some clear decisions about how you want life to be. Good luck with it all .

TheFoundations · 24/09/2021 11:25

Well, in a healthy relationship, both partners try to relate to each other. I'm sure you'd welcome a conversation with him about his deeper feelings, even if they were hard to deal with. I imagine any kind of 'opening up' conversation would feel like a relief to you, because you're starved of the intimate level of connection you need, and have been even since before you had your baby.

Have you told the professionals who are helping you that he dismisses your emotions to the extent you wonder if it's abuse? There is support available; but it's not from him. For anything, really where you feel like there might be abuse within your relationship, you need the support from outside the relationship, and from somewhere you know your conversations will remain confidential.

It sound to me like he was already treating you badly before you had the baby. Emotional neglect can make PND last much much longer, so if you're not asking for support from friends and family around you, ask yourself why you are not prioritising your feelings. Failing to do that may be what's landed you in this situation to start with. Lean on people. You'd let them lean on you, right? I mean, if a friend came to you for help now, I bet you'd try to help them even when you're feeling so crap, right?

Realisticmum · 02/10/2021 16:31

Yes it is to put it bluntly.

Suplexqueen · 02/10/2021 16:36

My partner once did bring tarantulas home even though he knew I was terrified of spiders.

Suplexqueen · 02/10/2021 16:40

Sorry to derail the thread that just weirdly resonated with me. Lightbulb moment and all that. Post natal depression is beyond normal depression and then some. Try and keep trying to access some support and wish you every success in your recovery

MamaBiscuit127 · 01/03/2022 12:24

Hello
I am currently on maternity leave with my 2nd child. I am due to go back to work as a qualified nurse in June time, but since having my 1st child 3 years ago I really want to change direction and do my health visitor training.
Does anyone have any information on the course if they’ve done it? I just want to know what the course is like regarding hours and placements etc. how it is set out?
I have already began doing some research into policies and local initiatives and legislation.
I know full well it is an intense course, but I don’t want to apply just yet if it doesn’t work for me regarding childcare etc. Any help would be fantastic. Thankyou

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