To want a third but worried

[Doiwanttobeoutnumbered]

Hi All,
Yes another thread on here on having a third baby or not.
I know it’s all been said before, but I struggle to make my mind. DH and I absolutely love parenting, we’ve got a really good routine and work life balance atm. Having a third means that I probably won’t go back to work for a few years, and therefore won’t be making overpayments on our mortgage during those years which we are currently able to do. It also means another c-section for me. We live in a lovely 3 bed house and I do not want to move. However, I am in my early thirties so reasonably “fit”, have two thriving babies, 18 months apart (youngest is 10 months). I do want a tribe but of course in the short term I am worried about completely loosing our quality of life and the impact it might have on our family’s dynamic. Our second baby was a doddle which I am sure helped a lot. I do find that my DS is very much with Daddy and DD with me, and in that way it’s very neat… a bit too neat sometimes. There are days where I’d like more chaos. I am an only child but grew up very close to my cousins. I have always wanted a big family, initially 4 tbh. But Mumsnet is getting to my head atm, and I would like to read some positive stories of women in similar positions. I am not per se a feminist but it’s very much equal labour in our home - how do other women have dealt with staying at home for a while? A third pregnancy, etc. I have read on here that highly organised households have been thrown into chaos by a third baby - surely it’s not a majority? Is it really that life changing? I would like to get honest experiences. Finally, I am very much informed on climate change, and it does weigh on our decision of course. But before keyboard warriors throw comments at me, we use reusable nappies, are very veggies, we do not travel a lot, don’t buy new clothes, etc. We also use reusable bottles for cleaning products, etc. We are doing our bit, and I reckon our carbon footprint would be no more than families of 2! Thanks for taking the time to read, and sorry to be rambling. Xx

We are doing our bit, and I reckon our carbon footprint would be no more than families of 2!

The climate argument isn’t really about the nappies etc you buy for your kids. It’s about the resources your child will use over the course of their life.

That said - I don’t think climate change is the only consideration when it comes to making decisions about the size of your family. Plenty of people only have one kid, or no kids at all, to offset your third.

There’s no right or wrong answer. Your life sounds really good right now so I see why you wouldn’t want to upset the apple cart. But if you think you can give your kids the same attention, time, opportunities etc with a third, then there’s no reason not to.

We've got three. The comment you make about 'too neat' with two is kind of how we felt, and why we went for a third. It's great, a proper tribe, I think it makes for a great family dynamic.

Thank you @Gorl for your reply, it’s very much appreciated. I am hoping that by raising them ecologically aware will make a difference later on, but of course that won’t offset them. It’s such a difficult - but fortunate - place to be. Thanks to Mumsnet I know of all the reasons not to go for a third

I have three under 5.
So far so good, mostly.

But last night the middle one was sick and they all woke each other up in sequence, round and round, from 11.30 til 3 am. So that was fun. Hard to break the cycle with the three of them all at it.

Now my head is throbbing.

Thank you @PhiRhoSigma - Its nice to hear the positives

A couple of my friends with 3 have told me it's easier to go from 2 to 3 than from 1 to 2. I wouldn't know myself.

As I said to another person asking about this how old are they.

I only found out at year 2 dd has sen and I needed to step in on a huge huge way... Teaching to read because phonics didn't work, paying for tutors... Subscriptions, eye tests etc... It's cost a fortune in ££, time and energy. And by god she needed it there is no way on this earth without tons of ££ I would have been able to afford help for a third dc whilst I devoted all resources to no 2!!

I have 3! Yes it hectic but not as bad as what some of my friends seem to say about having 2! It's definitely all about routine.

My oldest 2 were 4 and 6 when our youngest was born and the only thing I wish I could change is to not have had a gap and just carried on as when our youngest was born the sleepless nights hit us both like a tonne of bricks! We had a 6 and 4 Yr old that slept so well it was a real shock.

But honestly I love having 3!

Can you afford it? Bearing in mind that things - health, job security, the labour market, fuel bills etc - change. Do you have life insurance, critical illness cover, savings? Cause a tribe's great but your children are going to get a lot more expensive and, despite what you think, 3 need more resources than 2.

Weve recently been thrown by finding out what the expected parental contribution for uni living costs is (c6-8k per child per year) and are rejigging stuff to start pulling that together. Obviously we could say no wait til you are a mature student, or tell them that have to go to the local uni and live at home, but that doesnt sit right with us. So that's 36k to magic up from somewhere and they'll overlap for 1 year. So right now I'm glad we stuck at 2.

We have three and always wanted three. Can't explain why, two just didn't feel like a fully rounded family, which is utterly bonkers as DH and I are both one of two but there you go!

I love having three, love the family dynamic, love the busy-ness. I am a naturally super-organised person though so thrive on the logistics of it all, and I'd been a SAHM for years by the time number 3 came along so organising the family wasn't a major issue. It might have been more of an issue if I'd given up a job to have a third child but I'd struggled to cope with my very full on job with one DC, so had already made the decision to SAH for a bit (I do work now though).

That said, it can be daunting. We have quite big age gaps between ours - not through choice, through fertility issues - so they have almost always been at different schools, for example. That's three sets of term dates to manage, three sets of school admin, three different school timetables, three different sets of extra curricular activities. Three very different personalities. More washing than you could ever believe possible and a ridiculous amount of food!

If I'm honest, the baby and preschool years were the easy bit in many ways (disclaimer: I did have lovely contented easy babies). As they get older it gets physically easier but mentally harder. Mine are 17, 12 and 8 now and there are times when I feel like I am failing all three of them, letting all three of them down. It was so much easier to make them all happy when they were 8, 3 and smiley newborn. Then again, they're all doing well and are happy and thriving so I figure we must be doing something right.

You also can't ignore the financial angle. We had a three bed house when DC3 was born. We moved within the year, it was just too small, we were bursting out of it. We also needed a new car, because our original one wouldn't have seated three children safely in the back. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Using reusable nappies and handmedown clothes barely scratches the surface! They get more expensive as they get older, too, and three sets of university fees will be eye watering. We can afford it comfortably and we are very very lucky to be in that position - but I'd have thought very very carefully about a third if we'd have had to make major compromises.

All that said, I can still highly recommend having three! It is hard work but lovely. Good luck with your decision OP.

I am not per se a feminist

Course you are - that's your internalised misogyny talking.

As a pp said can you afford it? Or will your existing children have to make a lot of sacrifices, as money that would have been funnelled towards opportunities for them is diverted to a third child? If you love parenting at this stage (I definitely didn't when I was in your shoes!) and you and your husband already work well together as a team, then you'll cope with the added demands I reckon. The only issue I would see is that if you stay home you might find that equality start to slide as you take on a disproportionate amount of the burden/drudge work and that's where resentments may start to slip in and also where you become a little vulnerable. I would keep your toe in the workplace somewhat even if it's just a day or two per week, I wish I had done that when mine were little as being a SAHM was not so good for my marriage and that work/life balance you talk about enjoying. If your husband is the good sort then this might be less of an issue just one to think about.

We have three and only ever wanted three or more. We are not that organised or perfect but everything gets done.
I have hobbies and a part time job/career. The kids do one or two activities each. We have a lot of fun and weekends away. Life is really really good and I can't imagine how it could be better with fewer kids.

You’ve not even done the threenager’s yet, babies toddlers are easy. My positive story is I stopped at 2.

Got 3. Got a job

Like my 3 kids. Never over thought itb
Just my kids. That’s it’s

Bear in mind that the NHS is strained beyond all belief right now.

Have you budgeted for three mortgage deposits when they are unable to get onto the property ladder? It took my entire pension lump sum to do that for my two children - £100,000 each. And that was just Edinburgh prices, not London.
As PPs have said, the carbon footprint of an extra child is not just their food and nappies. It’s an average 56 tonnes of CO2/year for their life. They will, when adult, require a house, transport, electrical goods, clothes, etc, plus may well have children themselves. That is a significant environmental impact.
Do you actually need a third child? Why are your current two not satisfactory? And is the damage to the planet justifiable?

I've got three. An almost 7 year old, 5 year old and 1 year old. I found it hardest this time going from 2-3 BUT this baby stage has been the most rewarding yet. Not sure if it's cause I'm older, have experience with babies etc so I'm just naturally more comfortable and wasn't as anxious and could soak it all up more. Also covid and lockdown played a big part. There are difficult days ofcourse, I work full time and I'm currently doing my masters so it's very hectic but routine is key, and I wouldn't change anything for the world. I think if you decided to think about carbon footprint, how much money it would cost for the rest of your life etc then nobody would ever have children, as it seems totally undoable and unnecessary. But if this last year has taught us anything it's that family really are the most important thing, and life is so very short. If you are doing as much as you can for the environment ( which it sounds like you are) being sensible with finances and thinking about the future and planning for things such as helping your kids with payments etc then it shouldn't be enough of a reason not to do it. Getting on the property ladder is a shitshow and renting is just as crap but your kids are young and you are able to plan for this and to help in anyway you can. We don't own our home, we rent from family and my parents themselves don't own their home, choosing to rent and have lived in the same house for 30 years, so I don't think it's imperative that thinking of where they will live is the deciding factor in whether or not to have a 3rd. Ultimately if you are in a stable position to have one, and you really want one, do it. On your death bed you won't think ' I'm glad I didn't have that 3rd baby now, how would they have afforded a house, it would have been really chaotic for a few years at the beginning etc' good luck OP and don't let Mumsnet sway you so much. Do what feels right for you and your family 💕

Your children are currently very cheap.
When they are teenagers it's a whole new world of financial demand. If you have relatively safe careers with room to grow then that's not too much of an issue though.
I have 5 and I curse my broodiness at times. DH and I both from big families so it seemed natural.
We love our kids but it is exceptionally hard to give them all that they need as individuals including one on one time. Even when it was just three. You get very little down time and marriage doesn't pick up again until they start leaving home.
I wish someone had told me the truth of that.

I thought 2 was so perfect, easy and BORING. Lol. Having 3 has stirred things up and I have zero regrets!! It was a bonus that we already had 2 boys and our 3rd is a sweet little girl :) I say go for it!

Thank you everyone for having taken the time to reply. I was sort of expecting that the main focus would be financial (and climate). It is so hard to predict where we will be in 20 years. It is also very tricky to know exactly how much we will need… almost impossible really. We currently save away £100 (the child tax thing + a bit more) a month for each. Come to 16, that’s about £20k. Of course this is nothing nowadays considering the eye watering cost of Uni and difficulty to get on the property ladder). We have about 45% equity in our house (moved six months ago) and would like to clear the mortgage within 12 years (that will be hard if I stop working). I wish there was a magic number, but of course there isn’t. DH’s job has prospect to grow (he does legal aid work but potentially could move to private law) not so much mine hence why I would take time off from work to also think about that and looking after my babies (the early years are so important). I finished an MSc last year and I can’t seem to find anything in my field… Not so sure we would be able to afford nursery for both of them whilst on mat leave
Anyhow, thank you all for your responses. If you’ve done any financial advice I am a taker Xx

Sorry I meantif you have

@HippeePrincess

You’ve not even done the threenager’s yet, babies toddlers are easy. My positive story is I stopped at 2.

My son was born a week after my dd turned 3

If I never had got pregnant and I found out just how hard threenagers are! I probably wouldn't have had another haha.

I’ve heard that too @mumwiththeblackhair do you find one particular harder than the other?

@Doiwanttobeoutnumbered

I’ve heard that too *@mumwiththeblackhair* do you find one particular harder than the other?

Honestly, my dd didn't even sleep through the night until 5 months ago! She's been very intense from day 1, but 3 just... I mean... it didn't help a baby brother arriving shortly after so I'm sure that's made it seem a lot worse but I honestly don't know what terrible twos is! It's the 3s!!!

I'm 29 and have 3 children. DS just turned 4, DD just turned 2 and DS 4 months. There are absolutely days where everything is just hectic but there are also perfect days being a family of 5. You just learn to work with your DH and find some sort of balance and routine. It doesn't always run smoothly but that's part and parcel of it and I still enjoy every second x