To want a third but worried

[Doiwanttobeoutnumbered]

Hi All,
Yes another thread on here on having a third baby or not.
I know it’s all been said before, but I struggle to make my mind. DH and I absolutely love parenting, we’ve got a really good routine and work life balance atm. Having a third means that I probably won’t go back to work for a few years, and therefore won’t be making overpayments on our mortgage during those years which we are currently able to do. It also means another c-section for me. We live in a lovely 3 bed house and I do not want to move. However, I am in my early thirties so reasonably “fit”, have two thriving babies, 18 months apart (youngest is 10 months). I do want a tribe but of course in the short term I am worried about completely loosing our quality of life and the impact it might have on our family’s dynamic. Our second baby was a doddle which I am sure helped a lot. I do find that my DS is very much with Daddy and DD with me, and in that way it’s very neat… a bit too neat sometimes. There are days where I’d like more chaos. I am an only child but grew up very close to my cousins. I have always wanted a big family, initially 4 tbh. But Mumsnet is getting to my head atm, and I would like to read some positive stories of women in similar positions. I am not per se a feminist but it’s very much equal labour in our home - how do other women have dealt with staying at home for a while? A third pregnancy, etc. I have read on here that highly organised households have been thrown into chaos by a third baby - surely it’s not a majority? Is it really that life changing? I would like to get honest experiences. Finally, I am very much informed on climate change, and it does weigh on our decision of course. But before keyboard warriors throw comments at me, we use reusable nappies, are very veggies, we do not travel a lot, don’t buy new clothes, etc. We also use reusable bottles for cleaning products, etc. We are doing our bit, and I reckon our carbon footprint would be no more than families of 2! Thanks for taking the time to read, and sorry to be rambling. Xx

Sorry but if you have three you are not doing your bit reusable nappies or not. Eventually that third child will want a house, car and an iPhone 25.

"We are doing our bit, and I reckon our carbon footprint would be no more than families of 2!"

You say you are informed about climate change but then you say this. No amount of recycling or reusable nappies compensates. At least own it.

Not having a third child is the very best thing you can do to try and ensure that your two current children live in a world where life is worth living. That is why I will not be having any more.

Will this be your third section?

How would you feel about being a SAHM and going from 2 kids to 3? To be honest you sound like you have a nice set up as it is.

But if you really want a third and you don't mind looking after all 3 kids the majority of the time go for it OP.

Knowing about climate change and using reusable nappies and similar won't prevent your third (!!) child contributing to global warming, obviously. All the more so if he or she has children later on. Though to be honest I think that a lot of people in that generation won't want to have children, because things will be really bad by then.
My 2nd point is that global warming (and to a lesser extent other very serious problems) will make your children's lives very difficult. Why add another one, just because you think it will make your short-term family life more fun? Think of your children's long term futures - which is a really scary thought. The problem isn't going away. You should put the child first.

Look, I get the point that you’re trying to make about climate change. I don’t think anyone can really say on here that they are informed as there isn’t a precise consensus within the scientific community itself. I’ve seen Bojo wanting to make companies more accountable, eradicate coal usage, etc. etc. I think that and funding reusable energy initiatives are the next obvious step before the government, yet alone Mumsnet keyboard warriors, dictates women’s rights. I see people still getting those single use plastic bag and gallons of bottled water, I hope that you have a go at them at the supermarket too

I had four. I have a really, really hands on husband who , (as soon as he got home from work) was involved 100% with anything that needed doing, be it bath and bedtime, or clearing up after dinner.

I never stopped. From the first one waking, to the last one going to bed, I was busy. I really didn't expect anything else, but looking back now, it would have been nice to be able to go out and do something for myself a couple of nights a week, with my DH doing the same.

Don't get me wrong, I love my boys and those years went by and I got my life back, but I remember my nephew coming to stay for a week while doing work placement and him telling my sister that I never sat down, I was always busy doing something. Perhaps I should have been a bit less busy by not having as many...

Thanks to everyone else for their replies xx

I am one of 3 siblings and it was the best growing up. The dynamic of three Vs two seems different!! Practically I think I'd like to kids but my heart wants three 👀👀

Love my cloth nappies too!! What brands do you use?

@Spyro1234

I am one of 3 siblings and it was the best growing up. The dynamic of three Vs two seems different!! Practically I think I'd like to kids but my heart wants three 👀👀

Love my cloth nappies too!! What brands do you use?

two 🤦 typo

Hello @Spyro1234
Nappies were sent to us (twice) by our council’s initiative. My favourite is Totsbots (I have their bucket, wipes, and mesh), but we also have ClosePopIn I think it’s called. They’re all good tbh but my oldest is growing out of them now… time to potty train ha!

‘Look, I get the point that you’re trying to make about climate change. I don’t think anyone can really say on here that they are informed as there isn’t a precise consensus within the scientific community itself.’

Where to start with this? You clearly don’t really give a shit OP so cut the platitudes and crack on. Word of warning though, both of your current kids are under two. You say it’s been easy so far but when it comes to parenting, you’ve barely touched the sides.

What do you mean by wanting a tribe?

The older they get the more parties, clubs, interests and driving around needed. It’s hard with 2 to make sure they’re getting a fair deal. 3 must be really challenging.

@Doiwanttobeoutnumbered

Look, I get the point that you’re trying to make about climate change. I don’t think anyone can really say on here that they are informed as there isn’t a precise consensus within the scientific community itself. I’ve seen Bojo wanting to make companies more accountable, eradicate coal usage, etc. etc. I think that and funding reusable energy initiatives are the next obvious step before the government, yet alone Mumsnet keyboard warriors, dictates women’s rights. I see people still getting those single use plastic bag and gallons of bottled water, I hope that you have a go at them at the supermarket too

Do what you want, but don't pretend you are eco conscious about this in your decision.

Think about the life your children might have. Covid is nothing in comparison to climate change.

But like I said, at least own it that climate isn't a factor in your decision making.

@Doiwanttobeoutnumbered

Thank you everyone for having taken the time to reply. I was sort of expecting that the main focus would be financial (and climate). It is so hard to predict where we will be in 20 years. It is also very tricky to know exactly how much we will need… almost impossible really. We currently save away £100 (the child tax thing + a bit more) a month for each. Come to 16, that’s about £20k. Of course this is nothing nowadays considering the eye watering cost of Uni and difficulty to get on the property ladder). We have about 45% equity in our house (moved six months ago) and would like to clear the mortgage within 12 years (that will be hard if I stop working). I wish there was a magic number, but of course there isn’t. DH’s job has prospect to grow (he does legal aid work but potentially could move to private law) not so much mine hence why I would take time off from work to also think about that and looking after my babies (the early years are so important). I finished an MSc last year and I can’t seem to find anything in my field… Not so sure we would be able to afford nursery for both of them whilst on mat leave Anyhow, thank you all for your responses. If you’ve done any financial advice I am a taker Xx

Re: saving for them. Don't save, invest in a low cost index fund. Low-moderate risk and much more likely to keep up with and exceed inflation. We did with DD and she now has about £40k in her junior ISA (formally child trust fund) at 13 from 150-200 a month in deposits. It's not as complicated as it sounds but you do need to do a bit of research (recommend UK personal finance Reddit).

I can't really comment on whether you should have a third child!

Also factor in the fact that your third might have SN. Mine does and it is so much harder than I ever could have imagined life could be. And we can afford for me to stay at home and to pay for a great deal of specialist interventions not available on the NHS.

That’s great to know @PooWillyNameChange I’ll definitely have a look into this, thank you

Climate change is very much on my mind… most of the time actually. I got proper annoyed at a man yesterday for leaving his car running whilst waiting for his kid to come out of a piano lesson (they are 30 mins!). I get annoyed at my DH for leaving the tap running too long (it’s never too long really, I am just very anxious about it all). What I see though, if anything, is that many people seem to not care at all, to begin with their grocery shops. And supermarkets in this country are so so bad at plastic waste. Basically I feel like I do restrict myself (and our family) quite a lot, and telling someone to not have a much wanted baby for those polluters “convenient living” is too much to ask. The gouvernement could do so much more… and I think a two child policy is the last thing they would think of because the truth is that things like breeding cows for meat consumption is what is costing our planet

I have three. I found it hard when they were little - going from 2 to 3 was much harder (for me) than going from 1 to 2, largely because DC2 was a good sleeper and an easy baby whereas DC3 was the opposite!

Now they're pre teen / teens, and it's still hard for different reasons. For example, this Sunday all three of them have a sports match (football or netball) so DH and I will struggle to get them all to the right place at the right time (we don't have much family help). It's great that they're all sporty but it means we spend a lot of time being a taxi service. I guess the word is - outnumbered!

Climate change is very much on my mind… then why did you have kids

You can't be sanctimonious about caring for the environment and convince yourself and others you're considerate when you have kids and want more.

There is nothing wrong if you want kids but there is something very irritating about people who say they care so deeply for the environment and climate change in the same breath as having children, especially more than 1.

Yeah I'll get flamed for it but ultimately stop saying you care about the environment if you're obviously going to have more kids

OP I was in exactly this situation for a few years after my second DS. So broody and same reasons - I was one of three, didn’t like the neatness of two etc. My DH wasn’t sure. When lockdown hit we decided to do a “roulette month” and see if it happened. It didn’t - and I have to say I am so glad now. Mine are 5&7, both at school, I get a bit of time to myself on my day off for first time in years. Of course I have moments where I want to hold a sweet little blob again and feel sad I won’t experience it again. But financially we are a lot better off and I know I am giving my two way more love and attention than if I had a newborn/toddler. Also now they are doing after school clubs etc it would be impossible to juggle it all with a newborn and then a toddler who wouldn’t sit still. I think there is no right or wrong answer but definitely one to think through. I’m wishing you all the best whatever you decide x

@Doiwanttobeoutnumbered

Climate change is very much on my mind… most of the time actually. I got proper annoyed at a man yesterday for leaving his car running whilst waiting for his kid to come out of a piano lesson (they are 30 mins!). I get annoyed at my DH for leaving the tap running too long (it’s never too long really, I am just very anxious about it all). What I see though, if anything, is that many people seem to not care at all, to begin with their grocery shops. And supermarkets in this country are so so bad at plastic waste. Basically I feel like I do restrict myself (and our family) quite a lot, and telling someone to not have a much wanted baby for those polluters “convenient living” is too much to ask. The gouvernement could do so much more… and I think a two child policy is the last thing they would think of because the truth is that things like breeding cows for meat consumption is what is costing our planet

You can't have it both ways, if you really cared about climate change then the decision would be made not to have kids.

Plastics bags and government changes are nothing in the medium - long term.

If you want another that's your choice, bit don't pretend you are considering climate change if you do.

And meat consumption is a big contributor, but population increase is more (and linked with consumption as a whole).

I had three 4 and under at one point. I love it. They are a little team together. 2 to 3 was way easier than 1 to 2. Go for if that’s what you want!