To want a third but worried

[Doiwanttobeoutnumbered]

Hi All,
Yes another thread on here on having a third baby or not.
I know it’s all been said before, but I struggle to make my mind. DH and I absolutely love parenting, we’ve got a really good routine and work life balance atm. Having a third means that I probably won’t go back to work for a few years, and therefore won’t be making overpayments on our mortgage during those years which we are currently able to do. It also means another c-section for me. We live in a lovely 3 bed house and I do not want to move. However, I am in my early thirties so reasonably “fit”, have two thriving babies, 18 months apart (youngest is 10 months). I do want a tribe but of course in the short term I am worried about completely loosing our quality of life and the impact it might have on our family’s dynamic. Our second baby was a doddle which I am sure helped a lot. I do find that my DS is very much with Daddy and DD with me, and in that way it’s very neat… a bit too neat sometimes. There are days where I’d like more chaos. I am an only child but grew up very close to my cousins. I have always wanted a big family, initially 4 tbh. But Mumsnet is getting to my head atm, and I would like to read some positive stories of women in similar positions. I am not per se a feminist but it’s very much equal labour in our home - how do other women have dealt with staying at home for a while? A third pregnancy, etc. I have read on here that highly organised households have been thrown into chaos by a third baby - surely it’s not a majority? Is it really that life changing? I would like to get honest experiences. Finally, I am very much informed on climate change, and it does weigh on our decision of course. But before keyboard warriors throw comments at me, we use reusable nappies, are very veggies, we do not travel a lot, don’t buy new clothes, etc. We also use reusable bottles for cleaning products, etc. We are doing our bit, and I reckon our carbon footprint would be no more than families of 2! Thanks for taking the time to read, and sorry to be rambling. Xx

Also bear in mind that going for a third can sometimes see you with a four or a five if nature takes a twist. Don't just assume that a third will only be a third as that could change your dynamics in a different fashion

You can't have a third child and not move house as you will then need a minimum of 4 bedrooms.

I notice that all the posters who have three, and saying go for it don't have teenagers.

Parenting a teenager is hard. They need you much more on an emotional level.

1. Friendship and relationship issues
2. Bullying
3. GCSEs x 3
4. A levels x 3
5. UCAS x 3
6. University loan top ups x 3

I'm glad I didn't have to deal with the above three times. Once was enough.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4357452-To-think-Ill-never-be-able-to-afford-DCs-university

I have three. I'd have had four if we had been able to afford it. There's almost a 7 year gap between 2 and 3. I think I'd always have been yearning if I'd stopped at two

I have three.

My ex decided to be unfaithful and I was left a single parent. It was incredibly hard. There was only me to take them places and I didn’t have anyone to leave any with so I could do things individually with them.

It was incredibly expensive when they were teenagers (I didn’t get maintenance).

Two of mine are incredibly close, but one isn’t and I feel bad for them.

I love them all and wouldn’t swap them but it isn’t an easy decision and I’m not sure id have 3 if I had my time again.

Have you budgeted for three mortgage deposits when they are unable to get onto the property ladder?

This isn't a thing. You were absolutely mad to raid your pension for this.

The little years go so fast. You can pat yourself on the back about your excellent parenting routines etc when it’s all wiping bottoms and going to the park and basically you are entirely in charge of their lives. That finishes quite quickly - it’s just a stage.

My teens are lovely and polite but it’s exhausting in ways I can’t describe. I am SO relieved we stopped at 2. We can offer them so much more emotionally practically and materially.

Environmentally it’s utterly unjustifiable wittering about reusable nappies is irrelevant. A western family having more than 2 seems greedy to me with the world the way it is. Sorry know the large family crowd will leap on me but that’s my view and has been for years.

I also want a third OP - I am now convinced we are going for it but finding the getting pregnant part tricky!

What put me off having three was going to a funfair with a family with three children, it just sunk in at that point. Paying for three lots of everything. Three x university fees. A bigger car. A bigger house. There was no way I could go back to my job with three children, so it would mean a huge lifestyle change.

I just felt that having a third or more children would then adversely impact on DD1 and DD2.

The impact of 3 is huge in every way. I would quit while you're ahead. You stand to lose a lot if it doesn't go so well. Just the thought of another c section would clinch it for me. No one needs 3 children. The planet doesn't need more people.

The decision is a very personal one tbh OP. We are similar in that we do enjoy a little bit of chaos in the house at times. We had 4 DC in just over 8 years. 3 are teenagers now and the little one is just turning 10. For us 3 was actually ok and didn’t make a significant amount of difference to the every day running of things. The 4th however changed many things. She wasn’t a great sleeper, we had to get a 7 seater car, bigger house etc. The 3 teenagers need quite a bit of support right now. One just started Uni, one just started college and the other is in yr 10. They take up a lot of my emotional energy to the point there isn’t much left for the youngest. There are also risks with every pregnancy. What ever you choose I’m sure it will be right for you and you.

You’re family*

I want a third but can't seem to get pregnant this time. Been trying a year. I'm gutted.

So I say, if you can definitely go for it!

I'm 34 now and shouldn't have waited so long for a third (mine are 5 and 10 now).

@wobytide

Also bear in mind that going for a third can sometimes see you with a four or a five if nature takes a twist. Don't just assume that a third will only be a third as that could change your dynamics in a different fashion

Good point.

I have 2 and wouldn't want to have a third. It would take too much of my time and resources away from the children I already have.

• sickness in pregnancy/ mental health
• birth recovery
• potential SEN
• one of my children would have to share a bedroom
• cost of clubs and being able to get them to different places
• cost of holidays
• days out being limited to places we can take a baby/toddler
• being TIRED and having less of myself to give

Not to mention all the costs as they grow up. It wouldn't be fair on them.

Op, try posting under "larger families". You are getting a lot of posts from people who have 2 saying why they wouldn't do anything differently which is useful to some degree when they can look back in hindsight and offer advice. However your op asked those who had 3 what it's like so you need to ask those who actually have that experience. I am in exactly the same boat as you except I was one of 3. I loved it! I wished we were 4! But that is me and my personality. It added so much to my life rather than taking from it. I think everyone's experience is unique and every family is unique so you can ask practical advice to help you think it through but ultimately noone on mumsnet will know better than you what is best for you and your family. That's what it boils down to - will add or take away from you family? Will your children benefit and enjoy it or not?

Try asking people who come from a family with three children. Your decision will impact on your existing children as well as the adults in the household.

Try asking people who come from a family with three children.

Or asking people who have 3+ children who are teenagers/sitting GCSEs/A levels/applying to university/supporting DC through university.

Bringing up 3 pre secondary school children is a completely different ballgame to 3 teenagers.

That’s a good point. A friend with 3 was doing fine when they were all little but now they are teens, as parents they are struggling massively to give them the input they need.

I have adults now. Only one at uni (thank god). Teens and early twenties at uni was the hardest stage.

I have 3 . Grown up now. I stayed home until third started school and then resumed my career. Its difficult to give a non biased opinion as we wouldn't be without out third. He adds so much to the family in every possible way . My first was the most difficult as you are just learning at every stage including school/ university/ jobs etc. By the third l hardly knew he was doing exams. There was no drama and no big focus which meant he did far better in that relaxed atmosphere. Each stage had its ups and downs but the ups far outweighed the downs . I am pretty organised around getting out in the morning/ getting to hobbies etc so taking care in a practical way wasn't really an issue.
Saying all that if my other two had been as difficult as my first l would be a walking wreck now. They sailed through teen years with very little carry on mainly because of personality and we were more experienced parents.
I come from a very large family so three seemed small but just perfect.

You sound happy, your husband sounds happy. I get the broody feeling, I have it myself for a third.
You say you love it, so why not just enjoy it, relish in it with the children that you do have.
I know that there is the 'other' side of parenting, special needs, chronic health conditions, ill health, prematurity.....let alone the normal demands of parenting. You are taking a gamble.
I think there are many stages of parenting, some are easy and some are hard, I think regardless, we do get to experience all facets.
However, if you can afford it and it sounds like you can and can share your time to three and your emotional resources to three comfortably then go for it.