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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to think what’s he doing???

78 replies

Brindisi32 · 23/09/2021 15:34

N/c for this. Off and on over the years I’ve caught my partner lurking beside me whilst I’m sleeping. Sometimes he’s stood over me staring and other times he seems to be fiddling about - there’s nothing that belongs to him in the drawers etc. When I’ve asked him later what he was doing he’ll often flatly deny he was there.

Two nights ago he turned my bedside lamp on and then ran off to the bathroom…it’s odd because he has a lamp which is easy enough to switch on. So I asked him and he got very annoyed and claimed he was nowhere near my side of the bed…there have been times when I’ve found things moved or found my bag opened when it was closed. If I’m totally honest it gives me the creeps if someone’s stood over me whilst I’m sleeping and then denies it.

Aibu to feel uncomfortable? Or am I overreacting?

OP posts:

wobblywinelover · 23/09/2021 16:42

Ugh he sounds proper creepy. Time to leave before he turns you into a skin lampshade eeeek!

Stuckhere2021 · 23/09/2021 16:42

Does anyone have any recommendations for a cheap covert camera?

Why bother OP? If I ever feel the need to use one of these on a partner, then it's dead in the water. He will never give you the real reason why he is doing this so you will never get 'closure' / a reason. Get rid and don't look back.

thenightsky · 23/09/2021 16:49

If he's doing it on his way to bed and before he's even fallen asleep, its certainly NOT sleepwalking.

I occasionally sleep-walk and have woken up just stood on DH's side of the bed. I have a reason for being there, but it evades me the second I'm woken up. I've also rummaged in draws, but woken myself up with the noise. Again, I know at the time that I'm rummaging with a reason, but the second I wake, its gone and I'm left stood there, puzzled.

TwoAndCooPlease · 23/09/2021 17:00

@TheLovelinessOfDemons

An XBF once woke me up at 3am, wearing my dress, and then said I was dreaming.

NO!!

Plumtree391 · 23/09/2021 17:05

My first thought was sleep walking. If you wake up when he is doing it, put the light on and have a good look at him.

It does sound creepy but you've known him for years and I presume he isn't creepy

GatoradeMeBitch · 23/09/2021 17:08

If both of you are aware but not acknowledging that you have to leave a camera on at night to stop him doing whatever he's doing - you have a serious problem.

You don't trust him. He knows you don't trust him. He sounds very untrustworthy. Don't bother setting up pinhole cameras, just leave him.

Mrstamborineman · 23/09/2021 17:08

Is he masterbating whilst you sleep?
Weird AF.

Houseofvelour · 23/09/2021 17:10

It honestly sounds like he's messing with you to make you doubt yourself.
Classic emotional abuse.

100% get a camera for proof.
100% leave him. That's not normal.

LastGirlSanding · 23/09/2021 17:43

@GatoradeMeBitch

If both of you are aware but not acknowledging that you have to leave a camera on at night to stop him doing whatever he's doing - you have a serious problem.

You don't trust him. He knows you don't trust him. He sounds very untrustworthy. Don't bother setting up pinhole cameras, just leave him.

Yep, this. It’s so so weird that you both seem to know he’s being dodgy but are both pretending. What’s stopping you from leaving him?

MajorCarolDanvers · 23/09/2021 17:46

If he is not sleep walking then it is phenomenally creepy and weird.

StripeyBadger · 23/09/2021 17:49

If your relationship is at the stage that you want to covertly film him, then it’s over.

SmellyOldOwls · 23/09/2021 17:55

When my DH lurks beside my bed it's because he's nicking my phone charger

WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 23/09/2021 17:59

@StripeyBadger

If your relationship is at the stage that you want to covertly film him, then it’s over.

This!

Particularly given you’ve already openly set up cameras to film his odd behaviour and he knows about it but still chooses not to explain himself. It’s all very bizarre.

ProudAlly · 23/09/2021 18:00

I agree with PPs. Get rid

QueenoftheKarens · 23/09/2021 18:08

Get rid. Sounds like a future murderer. 😳

Treecreature · 23/09/2021 18:13

I used to be a sleep walker. My eyes would be open and I could have a full conversation with you but wouldn't remember a thing the next day. I've been found in adjacent streets and trying to climb out of windows but couldnt remember a thing the next day. Sleep walkers can do some bizarre things. I'd second the covert camera idea, might help to give you more context.

Original poster

Brindisi32 · 23/09/2021 18:28

@Treecreature this isn’t sleepwalking. He was getting ready to come to bed.

OP posts:

TwinsandTrifle · 23/09/2021 18:42

You've already taken the step of putting an obvious camera next to you while you sleep. How did that even arise?? "I know you're giving me excuses as to why you're stood there, so I'm putting this camera up". And then he kept away.

Just re read, until it sinks in how abnormal that scenario is.

Leave him, this is not right at all. As in, makes me feel scared for what will one day happen to you, not right.

Original poster

Brindisi32 · 23/09/2021 19:48

@TwinsandTrifle Yes the situation is far from normal. It is 1000% abnormal to be hovering over someone whilst they’re sleeping, to deny it or lie when you’re caught. It is abnormal to do this off and on over a period of years when the person has made it clear they feel uncomfortable. It’s also incredibly hard to have this convo when the person flatly denies/gets angry when confronted.

I bought the camera to monitor the house whilst we were away and needed to test it (previous one was faulty)so I set it up beside me to make sure night vision was working ok. It wasn’t with the intention of monitoring him but I thought it was interesting I had no hovering or things moved when the camera was in place…

OP posts:

DeepaBeesKit · 23/09/2021 19:55

I sleep walk & talk. To me I think I'm somewhere completely different and I'm often very defensive when challenged. Sometimes I'm almost slightly aware and wake up a bit. It's very disorienting and confusing but I regularly dont remember much the next day. Its worse if I've had alcohol or I'm stressed/tired/hormonal.

Make sure your phone isnt in the drawers if that's what you're worrying about? Get an arm or leg strap and wear it in bed.

DeepaBeesKit · 23/09/2021 19:56

I would be walking away though OP. He sounds odd.

Kuachui · 23/09/2021 19:59

I'd be pretty scared... Creepy

thelastgoldeneagle · 23/09/2021 20:06

Oh, OP, if he's been doing it for years, and he won't say why, why are you still with him? There's no trust there at all.

Jellykat · 23/09/2021 20:15

Bugger that, i'd be creeped out, apart from anything youre totally vulnerable when asleep.. but to deny it? and the fact it didnt happen when the camera was on, what a coincidence..
Sounds like a big case of gaslighting to me, time to call it a day!

lunar1 · 23/09/2021 20:23

You could get a covert camera, but honestly there is absolutely no coming back from this. He's a complete creep. At least if you get evidence of what he's doing it might help if the behaviour escalated with a future partner.

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