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Original poster

Mother in laws comments

58 replies

Charlene91 · 23/09/2021 08:28

Please see kind with your responses on this topic, as it's super sensitive and difficult for me. Basically, mother in law has made some rather crappy comments in the past, and never apologised or acknowledged them.

To name a few:

When me and DP found out we were pregnant we were obviously delighted! We told PIL thinking they would be really happy, but MILs response wasn't one of happiness (despite this being her very first grandchild), her response was "Well, it's still early days". To me that sounded like, "Don't get too excited, you might miscarry". Then when we went for a scan she refused to look at the scan picture, and starred at the TV whilst FIL looked at it, he actually had to tell her to have a look. Both DP and I felt really hurt by this.

For context on this one, MIL has abandonment issues. After our DC was born, DP and his mother had an argument, nothing major at all. During the argument things escalated and MIL warned FIL to keep his distance from our DC, and he'll probably never see him, completely out of nowhere. DP told me about this, so I took MIL aside the next day to reassure her that we would NEVER stop her or FIL from seeing their grandchild. I done this because of her abandonment issues, and I wanted to put her mind at ease. I still feel like she should have apologised for her comment, but she never did nor will.

There was then a comment from her about how our dog was more important to DP than our DC, because we didn't want to rehome him. PIL have been trying to talk us into getting rid of the dog since DC was born because they believe that dogs and children shouldn't live together. Our pup is such a sweet-natured dog and is so docile, so there's no need to rehome him at all.

I just can't help feeling a little bitter towards MIL about these comments, and feel that both myself and DP are owed an apology, but I know we'll never get one. I have all the time in the world for people who have poor mental health and I know she suffers with her. However, she refuses to get help, she barely even acknowledges that she has issues. I feel myself starting to dislike her, which I really don't want. I want us to be a close-knit family with minimal animosity.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 23/09/2021 08:30

Let go of the idea that you’re going to be a close knit family because she doesn’t sound like someone you want to be close with; abandonment issues or not. Don’t see her as often and challenge these comments when she says them

Original poster
Charlene91 · 23/09/2021 08:32

@Shoxfordian

Let go of the idea that you’re going to be a close knit family because she doesn’t sound like someone you want to be close with; abandonment issues or not. Don’t see her as often and challenge these comments when she says them
Thank you for this. Are these comments as bad as I'm taking them though? I keep wondering if I'm just being sensitive?
OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 23/09/2021 08:34

They’re not kind or supportive comments
What does your dp think of her behaviour? She’s his mum, you don’t have to think of her as anything other than that- be polite but no need to engage further

saraclara · 23/09/2021 08:37

I'm going to say that though these comments are difficult to deal with, they're clearly not malicious.

It seems like MIL was terrified about you losing the baby, and her not wanting to look at the screen was clearly out of fear and not lack of interest.

Something pretty devastating must have happened to her for her to be so terrified of you losing the baby or of them losing contact with your DC, when there's no real practical reason for her to fear it. That's an incredibly intense type of anxiety.

If you can, I'd try to just ignore. I think my sympathy for her would override anything else.
I don't really know what the way forward is though, to be honest. Other than a very direct conversation with her, along the lines of "I know you're very scared about (situation) but we can't let your fear rule what we do with DC/dog. We will always do the best for DC and you will always be a part of DC's life. But we can't live our life around your level of anxiety" I don't know what you can do.

Original poster
Charlene91 · 23/09/2021 08:38

My DP loves her because she's his mum, but he finds her difficult to be around. His reasons are more because she's constantly criticising him though, from he was a child. She never has anything positive to say, she'll find an issue with everything that comes out of his mouth (his words). He'll tell her about an accomplishment at work for example, and she'll either say nothing, or something negative.

OP posts:
MarshmallowSwede · 23/09/2021 08:40

Did you ask her why she was so upset at seeing the scan picture? Has she had a miscarriage or lost a child? That sounds like she might have something why just looking at a scan would upset her to the point where she can’t even look at it.

I don’t have any advice other than to try to remain cordial and to not take her comments personally. Her abandonment issues definitely are going to cause her to act in a way that people who have had normal and healthy archenemy styles would see as strange.

MarshmallowSwede · 23/09/2021 08:40

Healthy attachment styles*

saraclara · 23/09/2021 08:42

Oh, and you've mentioned getting an apology, twice. You really need to get out of that mindset. Apologies can't be forced. And when genuine they're not always timely. We often need a lot of time to reflect, or life changes might bring home to us that our response to something years ago was wrong before we're able to bring it up and apologise.
You really need to stop dwelling on that.

Topseyt · 23/09/2021 08:43

You will never be a close knit family because she is pretty set on making that a self-fulfilling prophecy. Stop wasting your energy on trying to make that happen.

Her comments are totally unhelpful, and whatever the reason for them, you just can't go around taking on her problems. That way lies insanity. I'd say to her that she either gets help or she will see little of you and your baby. FIL can see you without her if she refuses to make any efforts.

You'll drive yourself round the bend if you continue to try and push for a "close knit" relationship here. It would be nice of course, but there are occasions when you have to accept that it just isn't possible and won't happen.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 23/09/2021 08:46

I want us to be a close-knit family with minimal animosity.

Let this dream die now. It will never happen.

Stop wasting limited emotional energy on her.
Let your partner deal with her and while you should continue to faciliate contact keep it cool and business like.

Original poster
Charlene91 · 23/09/2021 08:48

The thing is, I have abandonment issues too, that's how I can tell she does. I'm not even sure if she's aware she has these issues. She's never lost a child, that I would definitely understand. She's worried about losing the child, but it's still hurtful for us.

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 23/09/2021 08:57

If she is anything like my mother, her son being with anyone is "losing a child" and no one could ever be good enough for her precious little darling - however critical she is to his face.
So the abandonment issue & not being interested in pregnancy could have been not wanting to acknowledge that her son is an adult and has his own life and family.
Comments about the dog could just be a continuance of criticising everything.
She sounds a real bundle of joy - it's probably time to give up on playing happy families - esp. not a close knit one - you're setting yourself up to fail.

3scape · 23/09/2021 09:19

I think if you let go of the idea you will ever be close you might find it easier to dismiss her (unrrasonable) remarks and attitude. She needs to be in your mind as more of a family duty visit than a cosy welcome.

It is difficult at first to change your thinking but pushing her outside your closest circle will save you heartache. Flowers

OngoingTrauma · 23/09/2021 09:33

Difficult situation but as a matter of interest, what breed is your dog? Certain breeds around babies and I would totally agree with your MIL

LookItsMeAgain · 23/09/2021 09:40

If it were me, I'd be focussing on building a relationship with FiL and leaving MiL to her own devices.

Don't dwell on her past comments. Ignore them. It's not giving her permission to repeat them but it is giving you permission to move past them.

Hopefully grandad will have a lovely relationship with your kids and grandma can, if she ever ditches the huge chip she has on her shoulder, begin to deal with whatever skeletons she has in her closet and whatever she needs to deal with.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 23/09/2021 09:43

You, dh, dc and The Family Ddog. Honestly op that's a great family right there!!
My mil didn't want a relationship with ds either. We went nc. Best thing ever...
Go lc. And enjoy your family.

MaskingForIt · 23/09/2021 09:49

TBF I’m not overly bothered about seeing a picture of the inside of someone’s uterus. And when you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all. Didn’t show anyone ours.

Unless she’s categorically stated that she’s never had a miscarriage or a stillbirth then you don’t know what she’s been through. Only two friends know I had a miscarriage, none of my family do.

DomPom47 · 23/09/2021 09:51

Does she not want to get help with mental health due to a cultural taboo or something else. You need to spend less time thinking about her and her comments as you have said she is not likely to change or give you an apology. Spend that time on your little unit and been happy.

Gorl · 23/09/2021 09:54

That does sound difficult.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, her comments were hurtful and unsupportive. But it does definitely sound like she has a lot of trauma feeding into those comments.

You probably can’t change her or fix this situation. You can only make peace with the person she is and accept things the way they are.

FluffyRabbitGal · 23/09/2021 10:00

I can understand why this upsets you. It would upset me too. My MIL situation is slightly different in the sense that she thinks my partner is the Golden boy, however she is similarly rude to me and my partner won’t say a word.
The best way I found to cope with her, for my own mental health, was to limit contact with her and call her out on her rudeness then and there.
She will think nothing of passing comment on what she perceives are my personal traits & when she does, I say things like, “goodness, you’re in an unpleasant mood today”, or “are you always this ill mannered to company?” & then refuse to talk to about it any further. She’s still unpleasant, however it has reduced her barbed comment to me & she will not say nasty things to me in public when we go out to family meals etc.

Muffinsandfruitcakes · 23/09/2021 10:01

Whilst I acknowledge that they are unsupportive comments there are some cultures where expressing happiness at news of a pregnancy and taking scans etc are considered sort of like jinxing things. Some cultures don't even buy baby stuff like clothes until just before the birth and in some cases they buy clothes soon after the baby is born (yes, they ask a family member to get stuff once the child is born). I don't know if your mil is from such a culture or not . I also think that her saying that dogs and children shouldn't be kept together shows that she cares for your dc and doesn't want them hurt. She is obviously misguided in her thinking that all dogs are unsafe, but to me I'd take it as a sign that she does care for her grandchild and doesnt want them hurt. Some people just think they know it all and with the best of intentions just eff things up. She might not be a bad person, she sounds a bit silly and annoying I would say. If she is annoying you, reduce contact to a manageable level.

Original poster
Charlene91 · 23/09/2021 10:13

@MarshmallowSwede

Did you ask her why she was so upset at seeing the scan picture? Has she had a miscarriage or lost a child? That sounds like she might have something why just looking at a scan would upset her to the point where she can’t even look at it.

I don’t have any advice other than to try to remain cordial and to not take her comments personally. Her abandonment issues definitely are going to cause her to act in a way that people who have had normal and healthy archenemy styles would see as strange.

I didn't ask because I've been told by FIL not to confront her about things, as it won't end well because she can't handle confrontation. In other words, we all just have to get on with it and not call her on her comments.

I've wanted to sit with her and have a chat about some things before, so I spoke with DP about it and he told me that there's absolutely no point because she won't listen, all she'll hear is criticism and it'll end up turning into an argument.

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlene91 · 23/09/2021 10:17

@OngoingTrauma

Difficult situation but as a matter of interest, what breed is your dog? Certain breeds around babies and I would totally agree with your MIL
He's a staffie
OP posts:
Original poster
Charlene91 · 23/09/2021 10:18

@MaskingForIt

TBF I’m not overly bothered about seeing a picture of the inside of someone’s uterus. And when you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all. Didn’t show anyone ours.

Unless she’s categorically stated that she’s never had a miscarriage or a stillbirth then you don’t know what she’s been through. Only two friends know I had a miscarriage, none of my family do.

Even if it was your first grandchild? That seems a little cold to be tbh, I'm sorry.
OP posts:
WandaVision2 · 23/09/2021 10:21

Where do her abandonment issues stem from?

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