Mother in laws comments

[Charlene91]

Please see kind with your responses on this topic, as it's super sensitive and difficult for me. Basically, mother in law has made some rather crappy comments in the past, and never apologised or acknowledged them.

To name a few:

When me and DP found out we were pregnant we were obviously delighted! We told PIL thinking they would be really happy, but MILs response wasn't one of happiness (despite this being her very first grandchild), her response was "Well, it's still early days". To me that sounded like, "Don't get too excited, you might miscarry". Then when we went for a scan she refused to look at the scan picture, and starred at the TV whilst FIL looked at it, he actually had to tell her to have a look. Both DP and I felt really hurt by this.

For context on this one, MIL has abandonment issues. After our DC was born, DP and his mother had an argument, nothing major at all. During the argument things escalated and MIL warned FIL to keep his distance from our DC, and he'll probably never see him, completely out of nowhere. DP told me about this, so I took MIL aside the next day to reassure her that we would NEVER stop her or FIL from seeing their grandchild. I done this because of her abandonment issues, and I wanted to put her mind at ease. I still feel like she should have apologised for her comment, but she never did nor will.

There was then a comment from her about how our dog was more important to DP than our DC, because we didn't want to rehome him. PIL have been trying to talk us into getting rid of the dog since DC was born because they believe that dogs and children shouldn't live together. Our pup is such a sweet-natured dog and is so docile, so there's no need to rehome him at all.

I just can't help feeling a little bitter towards MIL about these comments, and feel that both myself and DP are owed an apology, but I know we'll never get one. I have all the time in the world for people who have poor mental health and I know she suffers with her. However, she refuses to get help, she barely even acknowledges that she has issues. I feel myself starting to dislike her, which I really don't want. I want us to be a close-knit family with minimal animosity.

This would make sense, honestly. However, when SIL was expecting after us, she was looking at her scan photos excitedly 🤷‍♀️

@MereDintofPandiculation

I don't think families should be able to speak to each other and be as rude or hurtful as they please, simply because they're family. Families should still have to censor their speech to an extent, if there's a chance that what they're about to say may hurt the recipient. Yes, that's your family value. But what I'm trying to say is what is received by you as hurtful and uncaring might not be intended that way, because it's coming from a different person from a different family set-up.

You're in a difficult position, because clearly you don't have the same family culture as she does, and all things being equal you would simply choose not to associate with her. But she is your DC's grandmother, and at the moment you as your DC's main carer need not to obstruct that relationship unless it is doing harm to your DC, which nothing you've said so far suggests to be the case, as far as I can remember.

Absolutely. I would never obstruct their relationship! What happens between myself and her, is between us and nothing to do with DC. DC needs his grandparents, that's more important than any of this.

Even if it was your first grandchild? That seems a little cold to be tbh, I'm sorry.

You are naturally very excited about the pregnancy but tbh most other people aren't until baby arrives (and maybe not even then).

Hard to say why she might have made the comment when she learned you were pregnant but was different with her daughter. You having your DC safely might have given her some confidence - and I would also say that she might well have had a loss that you know nothing about. That would certainly explain her comment, unpleasant though it was for you to hear.
A Staffordshire in a house with a baby… I’m afraid I’m with her on that one.

I won't comment on the other issues, but i'm 100% on her side regarding the dog. A staffy and a baby/young child is a very reckless combo.

It sounds like your MIL is really insecure in her relationship with you. I can understand the not wanting to be emotionally attached to an unborn baby if she's had losses, it seems like her defences went up and she spoke without thinking.
You can call her out on her comments without being confrontational in an aggressive way. There's a method of communication I think you will find helpful: www.verywellmind.com/support-empathy-truth-set-for-borderline-personality-425229

Address the comment as it happens "I understand that you have dc's best interest at heart and you are anxious about the dog, however we are dc's parents and know that our dog is not a threat, so please keep your thoughts on this to yourself ". She may not realise that she is actually upsetting you and may apologise, but don't expect one and focus on moving forward. It's hard to keep SET in your head in the moment but I hope it will allow you to honestly address her behaviour.

@Charlene91

Just an FYI to everyone, MIL cares deeply for DC now. She's a wonderful grandparent. I just can't get passed the comments she made in the past, because she makes a shitty comment like these every-so-often. She can be so downright nasty sometimes.

I wonder if you let go of the expectation of an apology this might let you move past it. It sounds like the sort of thing where it’s so deep rooted that she won’t totally get past it for years. If you let it go you might find yourself pleasantly surprised in years to come that a totally genuine apology or acknowledgement comes to you out of the blue.

@SapphireEyes88

It sounds like your MIL is really insecure in her relationship with you. I can understand the not wanting to be emotionally attached to an unborn baby if she's had losses, it seems like her defences went up and she spoke without thinking. You can call her out on her comments without being confrontational in an aggressive way. There's a method of communication I think you will find helpful: www.verywellmind.com/support-empathy-truth-set-for-borderline-personality-425229

Address the comment as it happens "I understand that you have dc's best interest at heart and you are anxious about the dog, however we are dc's parents and know that our dog is not a threat, so please keep your thoughts on this to yourself ". She may not realise that she is actually upsetting you and may apologise, but don't expect one and focus on moving forward. It's hard to keep SET in your head in the moment but I hope it will allow you to honestly address her behaviour.

@SapphireEyes88

This is brilliant advice, thank you ❤