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AIBU?

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Original poster

Mother in laws comments

58 replies

Charlene91 · 23/09/2021 08:28

Please see kind with your responses on this topic, as it's super sensitive and difficult for me. Basically, mother in law has made some rather crappy comments in the past, and never apologised or acknowledged them.

To name a few:

When me and DP found out we were pregnant we were obviously delighted! We told PIL thinking they would be really happy, but MILs response wasn't one of happiness (despite this being her very first grandchild), her response was "Well, it's still early days". To me that sounded like, "Don't get too excited, you might miscarry". Then when we went for a scan she refused to look at the scan picture, and starred at the TV whilst FIL looked at it, he actually had to tell her to have a look. Both DP and I felt really hurt by this.

For context on this one, MIL has abandonment issues. After our DC was born, DP and his mother had an argument, nothing major at all. During the argument things escalated and MIL warned FIL to keep his distance from our DC, and he'll probably never see him, completely out of nowhere. DP told me about this, so I took MIL aside the next day to reassure her that we would NEVER stop her or FIL from seeing their grandchild. I done this because of her abandonment issues, and I wanted to put her mind at ease. I still feel like she should have apologised for her comment, but she never did nor will.

There was then a comment from her about how our dog was more important to DP than our DC, because we didn't want to rehome him. PIL have been trying to talk us into getting rid of the dog since DC was born because they believe that dogs and children shouldn't live together. Our pup is such a sweet-natured dog and is so docile, so there's no need to rehome him at all.

I just can't help feeling a little bitter towards MIL about these comments, and feel that both myself and DP are owed an apology, but I know we'll never get one. I have all the time in the world for people who have poor mental health and I know she suffers with her. However, she refuses to get help, she barely even acknowledges that she has issues. I feel myself starting to dislike her, which I really don't want. I want us to be a close-knit family with minimal animosity.

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlene91 · 23/09/2021 10:21

@DomPom47

Does she not want to get help with mental health due to a cultural taboo or something else. You need to spend less time thinking about her and her comments as you have said she is not likely to change or give you an apology. Spend that time on your little unit and been happy.
I don't know tbh. Her husband made a remark a while back about my BIL when he was suffering with his MH, about how "his bra strap [was] too right" and that was apparently the reason for his low mood, and any time mental health is mentioned in any respect they both take no interest and just push past it. So maybe she just thinks she can't talk about it incase he mocks her? Which is extremely sad tbh.
OP posts:
Original poster
Charlene91 · 23/09/2021 10:21

@WandaVision2

Where do her abandonment issues stem from?
Her father I believe walked away, but I'm not 100% sure.
OP posts:
Original poster
Charlene91 · 23/09/2021 10:24

Just an FYI to everyone, MIL cares deeply for DC now. She's a wonderful grandparent. I just can't get passed the comments she made in the past, because she makes a shitty comment like these every-so-often. She can be so downright nasty sometimes.

OP posts:
Ozanj · 23/09/2021 10:28

In some cultures, including some British ones, you didn’t praise / get excited about something in case you jinx it. Just ignore the comments if she’s a good gran, and try and move past it: that doesn’t mean you have to be close to her. You can just drop the kids /dh and go.

always2tired · 23/09/2021 10:30

I wouldn't be surprised if she has suffered a miscarriage/still birth her behaviour seem to suggest she has. You can't presume that you know everything about her or your DH.

EdgeOfTheSky · 23/09/2021 10:33

It takes two to create a family feud, and you are playing your part.

Setting an ultimatum in your head for an apology, wanting to ‘call’ her in comments and make her behave how you want her to.

You can’t make her respond how you think she should. So shrug off her stuff as… her stuff.

Your own abandonment issues don’t necessarily qualify you to diagnose hers. She may find it very hard to get attached to the ‘promise’ of a grandchild in a scan pic if she has learned painfully that things don’t always turn out. Sadly ‘you don’t love me / my Gc won’t love me / my Gc could be kept from me’ as a learned response to trauma can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I had a partner like that.

Don’t rise to it, keep her comments a Teflon coating away from your own emotions.

You don’t need her to think or feel the same way you do in order to love your baby.

Bitofachinwag · 23/09/2021 10:38

It's not all about you. There is no reason for you to take her refusal to look at the scan picture personally.

Rubyrecka · 23/09/2021 10:43

She needs to get a grip and deal with her own baggage. Ignore her and don’t let it affect you the way it is. I’d also put her straight with the dog - it’s really none of their business.

Rubyrecka · 23/09/2021 10:44

@Bitofachinwag

It's not all about you. There is no reason for you to take her refusal to look at the scan picture personally.
What a bitter comment!!
burritofan · 23/09/2021 10:47

I think you need to accept you’re not going to be able to force the relationship you want – you need to let it go.

I do think sharing a scan photo is weird – it’s a medical record! – but understand it’s a thing some people do. Can be very triggering for lots of people though so next time, ask, rather than sharing first.

BrilloSolar · 23/09/2021 10:47

She does sound like hard work but I think you need to let go of wanting an apology and just accept this is who she is, and that she is likely to make comments in the future. You either don't accept them and fall out, or you let them go to maintain a relationship. She won't change.

On the points you've mentioned:
My brother and SIL told us of their pregnancies very early. I congratulated them and joined in their excitement but I really wish they hadn't told me so early and I did find it hard to get excited. I know so many people who've had miscarriages and I was then just on edge about their pregnancy until at least 20 weeks. Meanwhile they were buying clothes and making plans from 6 weeks which just made me feel so uneasy. You say she hasn't had a miscarriage, but do you know that for sure? 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage (usually very early on).

Can you move forward by recognising that the abandonment by her father has obviously deeply affected her. She seems to be in a culture of not mentioning mental health and so maybe you could feel for her that she's never got the help she needed with it. Whilst still finding her comments hurtful, understanding that her past has made her this person and that she won't change may help you to just ignore comments and move on.

I'm sure she's not the only one who holds the view that Staffies and children don't mix. I think you'd find that a lot of people thought the same when you had your baby but just didn't voice their concerns.

DappledThings · 23/09/2021 10:48

Even if it was your first grandchild? That seems a little cold to be tbh, I'm sorry.
Yes, even then. I can't see scan pictures as anything other than a medical necessity. I have no emotional attachment to my own, let alone anyone else's. We paid for one with first scan for DC1 because DH wanted it but I have no idea where it is now.

MereDintofPandiculation · 23/09/2021 11:05

Even if it was your first grandchild? That seems a little cold to be tbh, I'm sorry. Even if it's your first grandchild. I shall force myself to be interested in the scan picture, but it really wouldn't worry me not to see it.

But different families have different ways of speaking to each other, and tend not to abide by the niceties. Part of this is she's failing to censor her speech, as if you were part of her family. But you are expecting the level of politeness and consideration that you would show to someone who wasn't part of your family. If you ask her to apologise, you will demonstrate to her that you don't feel she's part of your family and never will be. On the other hand she may be the sort of person you, at heart, don't want to be part of your family.

Smashingspinster · 23/09/2021 11:06

So she can say whatever she wants and you just have to accept it? I think you have to try to stay out of drama but beware of the impact on your own MH and that f your family. If you are constantly negative and critical you may well find yourself being abandoned - and quite rightly too. Whatever her issues (or yours, mine or anyone elses) you are not allowed to just take them out on other people.

loopylauren · 23/09/2021 11:07

I can understand why your MIL comments and views upset you, you are justified in being upset I think.

However, I think you should try to let it go for now. Monitor it in case it gets worse.

EdgeOfTheSky · 23/09/2021 11:12

Just an FYI to everyone, MIL cares deeply for DC now. She's a wonderful grandparent. I just can't get passed the comments she made in the past, because she makes a shitty comment like these every-so-often

What is it in you that makes you unable to get past bad comments (which seem to be a result if her issues) in order to appreciate the better side of her as a wonderful grandparent who cares deeply?

ReturntoSpamfritters · 23/09/2021 11:29

Have a look at www.toxicties.com
You may find it useful

Original poster
Charlene91 · 23/09/2021 12:09

@MereDintofPandiculation

Even if it was your first grandchild? That seems a little cold to be tbh, I'm sorry. Even if it's your first grandchild. I shall force myself to be interested in the scan picture, but it really wouldn't worry me not to see it.

But different families have different ways of speaking to each other, and tend not to abide by the niceties. Part of this is she's failing to censor her speech, as if you were part of her family. But you are expecting the level of politeness and consideration that you would show to someone who wasn't part of your family. If you ask her to apologise, you will demonstrate to her that you don't feel she's part of your family and never will be. On the other hand she may be the sort of person you, at heart, don't want to be part of your family.

Hmmmm, not really sure I agree with this tbh. I don't think families should be able to speak to eachother and be as rude or hurtful as they please, simply because they're family. Families should still have to censor their speech to an extent, if there's a chance that what they're about to say may hurt the recipient. You can't just speak to people however you please, family or not.
OP posts:
Original poster
Charlene91 · 23/09/2021 12:12

@EdgeOfTheSky

Just an FYI to everyone, MIL cares deeply for DC now. She's a wonderful grandparent. I just can't get passed the comments she made in the past, because she makes a shitty comment like these every-so-often

What is it in you that makes you unable to get past bad comments (which seem to be a result if her issues) in order to appreciate the better side of her as a wonderful grandparent who cares deeply?

The fact that nothing changes, and every-so-often she'll come out with another hurtful comment that nobody is allowed to confront her on.
OP posts:
Original poster
Charlene91 · 23/09/2021 12:13

@ReturntoSpamfritters

Have a look at www.toxicties.com You may find it useful
Brilliant, thank you! I'll have a look
OP posts:
MsSquiz · 23/09/2021 12:22

She sounds very much like my SIL (DH's sister) when we told the family I was pregnant, she just kept saying how early it was to be telling people - we told immediate family at 7 weeks as they were also the people who would know if we had suffered a loss & we were excited)
She has also spent her life saying and doing whatever she wants and is never called on it! DH would just say "that's how she is" or "you know what she's like"
I refused to let digs and hurtful comments slide so I call her on them, all the time!
We have a cordial relationship, she is always invited along to family events and invited to come visit DD but she has only seen her twice this year in person and 1 of those was DD's christening!
I ensure I'm the bigger person and try (my hardest) to not be petty, but I also won't stand for anyone making hurtful comments to me

MsSquiz · 23/09/2021 12:24

@EdgeOfTheSky

Just an FYI to everyone, MIL cares deeply for DC now. She's a wonderful grandparent. I just can't get passed the comments she made in the past, because she makes a shitty comment like these every-so-often

What is it in you that makes you unable to get past bad comments (which seem to be a result if her issues) in order to appreciate the better side of her as a wonderful grandparent who cares deeply?

@EdgeOfTheSky I would imagine it's the fact that OP's MIL continues to make comments and digs. It wasn't just a one off. OP clearly said that MIL is a lovely grandparent to her child, but why should that mean OP should ignore shitty comments?
starfishmummy · 23/09/2021 12:25

@always2tired

I wouldn't be surprised if she has suffered a miscarriage/still birth her behaviour seem to suggest she has. You can't presume that you know everything about her or your DH.
This is what I was thinking. I've miscarried twice and it wasn't something we shared with other people because we hadn't told anyone about the pregnancies at that stage.
HotPenguin · 23/09/2021 12:32

Pregnancy and childbirth stirs up a whole lot of complex feelings in women who've been through it, I wouldn't take it personally. I would never tell my children the full story of how it affected me, so it's likely you and your DH don't know what's behind you MILs behaviour.

MereDintofPandiculation · 23/09/2021 12:34

I don't think families should be able to speak to each other and be as rude or hurtful as they please, simply because they're family. Families should still have to censor their speech to an extent, if there's a chance that what they're about to say may hurt the recipient. Yes, that's your family value. But what I'm trying to say is what is received by you as hurtful and uncaring might not be intended that way, because it's coming from a different person from a different family set-up.

You're in a difficult position, because clearly you don't have the same family culture as she does, and all things being equal you would simply choose not to associate with her. But she is your DC's grandmother, and at the moment you as your DC's main carer need not to obstruct that relationship unless it is doing harm to your DC, which nothing you've said so far suggests to be the case, as far as I can remember.