To be fed up of hearing about her.

[Lucielockett]

I've been involved for the best part of a year with someone who had been single for 2 years when we met. He had given up alcohol so I guess was sort of in the recovery stage. He hasn't relapsed and works full time. He's got his life in order apart from his constant mentioning of his ex. I think they are emotionally co dependant. I can't put my finger on it. They seem to have split and when he was at his worst with drink she stepped into a support role as his cousin asked her if she could due to him having no family close by. But it continued as a friendship. He says she's like a sister to him. His cousin said they love and hate eachother but they don't want to be together. It's all very strange.

2 weeks ago we had abit of a row over her as she was concerned about him and nme potentially not being good for him. He tried to manage both sides. But in the end he didn't like me being hurt at her concerns. I've done alot for him and my hearts in the right place.

He got to a point where he told his cousin I was pressuring him about her.

Anyway he must bring her up most days to me. Sometimes she's part of a story and other times it's what she did. Where she went. What made their relationship go wrong etc. Last night he told me a couple of stories about her and one was how she helped him. The other day we were having a walk together through a lovely wood and he starts telling me a story of them on holiday.

Its constantly my ex my ex. When he's talking about the past he says my misses sometimes.

I woke up this morning feeling down and disheartened. I realised I started out this with him thinking time would change things. She would start dating. He would get busy with
Me. But it hasn't happened. He will never admit it but its obvious to me he hadn't dealt with the loss of their relationship when he stopped drinking.

This morning I've messaged him as I know I was quiet last night at his. I've told him that I was quiet because he keeps mentioning his ex to me most times we see eachother and it makes me overthink and question if I could ever match up to what she was to him. I said to him she obviously did alot for you and I notice how much you still mention her which means you are thinking about her all the time. I'm now a bag of nerves as he will probably blow when he reads it. I know he hates messages like that and I've sent it first thing in the morning.

I just feel how I feel. I don't think it's normal to expect your new girlfriend to constantly be told about your ex. Am I being unreasonable?

Bloody hell OP I’m fed up with hearing about her just from the thread 😀
Ditch as fast as you can and find someone who is into you, not obsessed with his ex. Frankly he sounds earth shatteringly tiresome.

Sounds like my dad. On holiday he didn't shut up about my mum to my then stepmum. It was awful, I felt so sorry for my stepmum but didn't feel that I could say anything at 18. Apparently he now constantly talks about my ex stepmum to his present wife.

If you are scared he’s going to blow because you’ve told him how you feel then he is emotionally abusive and you shouldn’t be with him.

You're not at all unreasonable, he wouldn't like it if you kept on talking about an ex.

It sounds as though he is still emotionally involved with her.

I'm sure he likes you but he can't do without her.

Do you really want to continue a relationship like this? There are men who are not recovering alcoholics and have recovered from past relationships.

I really like him other than this. But I'll be honest I'm starting to really dislike her and I feel constantly frustrated. She also has decided to not take a step back and respect me

She's not the problem - he is. She wants a relationship of sorts with him. That's fine. It's up to him to manage that within respectable boundaries. He's not doing that. You need to end this relationship as things are unlikely to change. Have some respect for yourself as he doesn't seem to have much for you.

Get out. And stop apologising for your feelings. You're not overthinking anything.

I would move on. It seems the next partner would hear about her and not you? I think he still loves her unfortunately, you deserve better x

He not over her.... I'd leave and find someone who loves you like he loves her...you deserve better

This is so unhealthy OP, no wonder you are upset.

He tried to manage both sides. rings alarm bells for me.
It sounds far too like a man pulling puppet strings as he orchestrates a "pick-me dance". Not necessarily in the physical cheating sense, but certainly in the emotional affair sense -
www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

2 weeks ago we had abit of a row over her as she was concerned about him and nme potentially not being good for him. But in the end he didn't like me being hurt at her concerns.
IF it is true about her 'concern' (did you hear this direct from her? - or only via him?), then she is already doing the pick-me dance for him.
If he's exaggerating or inventing - then he wants her to be doing the pick-me dance, & is using the threat of it to manipulate you.

Neither looks or feels good for you, do they?

He got to a point where he told his cousin I was pressuring him about her.
& who told YOU that he said this?
He either said it in your earshot, which is damnably rude & manipulative.
Or the cousin told you - which is probably manipulative & I would suspect the cousin being used as your b/f's Flying Monkey -
narcopath.info/about-npd/the-narcissists-players/flying-monkeys/
Or your b/f told you himself, which begs the questions - why on earth would he do that, except to shame & manipulate you?
Any of these 3 scenarios are bad news. There is no way of spinning this remark that looks harmless.

I've done a lot for him and my hearts in the right place.
Doesn't he just know it.
Do you now feel underappreciated, as if he isn't aware of how much you do, & how good your heart is?
Are you stressed, & tempted to do more & more for him, to 'prove' to him that you are The One, & that he should appreciate you better?

Neat trick, this pick-me dance, innit?

You have been kind & supportive throughout this relationship, have listened patiently to his constant Mentionitis. Now you have understandably had enough of it, how does he repay that kindness?
You have not asked him to stop seeing his ex, but you have asked him to stop with the Mentionitis. How does he repay you for that?
It's not with equal loving kindness or any respect to your feelings, is it?

Alcoholics are manipulative, it's part of the disease.
And you are being manipulated beyond endurance OP.
Not only is he refusing your very reasonable request to stop talking about his ex all the time - he punishes you for even asking him to do so!
The cousin comment was designed to shut you up, & this comment
But in the end he didn't like me being hurt at her concerns. was designed to hurt you.

Again - who told you his ex was "concerned you might not be good for him"? Why would they do that?
I'm assuming it was your b/f himself who told you this. Think about it. It's pure manipulation. A decent person would have kept that to themselves. But he just had to tell you! - why do you think that is?
Yeah - to engineer more pick-me dancing.
And maybe you didn't dance hard enough OP, because he then punished you with his he didn't like me being hurt at her concerns bullshit.

Let's unpick this pick-me dance.
It is NOT OK to announce to your g/f that your ex is concerned that the g/f might not be good for him, use the fallout to play off both sides, & then scold the g/f for being hurt that people are gossiping about how she is "not good for him".

& btw "tried to manage both sides" is NOT the positive you naively hoped OP! He created those 'sides' with his hurtful 'concern' report, which he possibly even invented. Even if he didn't invent it - what possible good did he think arbitrarily reporting the remark back to you would do the relationship, or your feelings?

I suspect you are just beginning to see the flawed & selfish behaviour of a deceitful & contriving man OP. Fortunately, it's only been a year, & your lives are not too enmeshed. How much longer do you think you want to put up with being played like this? - because I can guarantee you - he will not change. He is deliberately messing with your head & does not care what that does to your heart.

Sorry I have been harsh on him, but I've seen this played out too many times, & hope the inestimably wise Chump Lady (pick-me link above) can give you some clarity & comfort.

@NewlyGranny

She sometimes put her happiness before him. She wasn't perfect.

Which of us would that not be true of in our relationships? It sounds to me as if he tried to martyr his ex to his problems and now he wants two martyrs - aka support humans - on his case. He's emotionally unavailable, isn't he?

Is he a man or just a salvage project? If you'd bought a wreck of a car and it kept needing expensive repairs and still broke down every time you tried to go anywhere, what would you do? Do that.

THIS ^^

It's also concerning that in many of your update posts you are leaning toward blaming his ex, instead of placing the responsibility squarely where it belongs. That's understandable, but you have been, as PP say, triangulated into that position, & he is feeding you an awful lot of bullshit.

His cousin said he carries guilt for what he put her through. But she neglected him herself for her own happiness. She wasn't perfect.

A 3rd party could see how badly he treated his ex.
He won't treat you any better.
Viewing the pursuit of one's one happiness as "neglect" of another adult is a worrying way of looking at a woman's right to autonomy in her own life & in her relationships. Men don't need to be "looked after" by women. Women are not responsible for making men happy, or solving their problems for them.
Women do not have to be perfect.

When someone tells you how badly a man treated his previous g/f - listen. You will not change that man. Run for the hills.

What is that brilliant quote about how you should never be a bit player in your own life?

Read your OP back to yourself. Are you starring in your own life?

If the answer is no then I think you know what you need to do. leave

You dont have to put up with people's problems to the point where they become your own op.

Just feel like you need someone to tell you that.

You get no award for doing so and just aqhole lot of baggage.

This situation isnt helping you at all and will only create more self esteem issues. Do yourself a favour and leave him to it.

I've done alot for him and my hearts in the right place.

But what does he do for you? I don't mean that relationships are a series of transactions, but all I'm getting from your posts is the effort you put in to be the perfect girlfriend so you can keep him and fix him. Newsflash: you cannot fix your partner. If they need fixing for you to be with them, walk away until they've sorted themselves out, or just walk away.

It sounds like he is co-dependent with his ex and that actually your relationship will head the same way, as you depend on trying to fix him. I think you both need to do some work before you get into relationships. You are being unreasonable in persisting with this man. Honestly, he isn't all that. He's an addict who's volatile, needy and potentially aggressive. I don't care if he is occasionally nice to you, he isn't good enough for you, or anyone, not the way he is at the moment.

LTB

His primary relationship is with her not you.
What are you actually hoping for?
That she finds someone else, breaks off the “ relationship” with him so he turns to you because he can’t have her? Would you like knowing that you were second best?

I would give him one last chance and say very firmly I do not want to hear about your ex again and if you mention her to me again I am leaving. And mean it.

I think the ltb and calling him emotionally abusive is ott but no matter what happy times you have the poster who said he'd leave you in a second for her is sadly spot on. You both definitely need to go your separate ways. Sorry op

You sound clear and strong OP.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky ‘s suggestion is good if you want to give him a chance. Bring it up pro-actively in your front foot, rather than in an (understandable) upset reaction to the latest reminiscing of the ex.

You want this relationship to work but in order for that to happen he has to properly get control over his relationship with his past and that includes not talking about his ex.

It sounds as if his addiction to alcohol may have been replaced by an emotional addiction to his support network

Which if true begs the question about his overall relationship with addiction and ‘what next’.

And would you want it to be you? In that capacity.

No, this has to end.

Somehow you have got lost in the middle of this toxic relationship between your partner and his ex. You need to get some serious self esteem improvement here.

How dare he constantly reminisce about his flaky ex to you? All those details you know about her - does he actually know and remember this level of detail about you?

I'm astounded you have put up with this and really can't see why you would.

Bin him and work on you self worth.

Sounds like he needs a therapist more than a girlfriend. You’ve been exceptionally good and understanding with him OP but to your own detriment. The PP who posted the analogy about the car was spot on. You can’t fix him.

Justmi hits the nail on the head OP

Tell him there's a weird dynamic going on that you're not OK with. Or don't tell him anything apart from it's over. He sounds obsessed quite frankly. You've told him it bothers you and he hasn't stopped, this should tell you all you need to know. The fact he gets angry about you not liking it is even worse. Arsehole.

Thank you all of you. He definitely struggles to understand why I don't like it. I'm a reasonable person and ofcourse we all have history so the past gets mentioned. What he fails to understand is this need he has to protect her and care for her and contact her. But he tries to act out this whole yuck we don't look at eachother like that, it's pure friendship now and it's just ridiculous. Her name is carved into his dining room table. Her photos are still in big frames next to his coffee table as he had them on the walls when we met. The painting she got him hanhs above his fire. Everywhere he ever wants to take me they have been. Her Facebook has checked into the restaurants and hotels. It feels more and more like nothing is new and original for us. Yes he's compared us on a few things and complimented me. He's faulted her many times. But the minute I dare to say something he doesn't like it.

I've never said a bad word about her but when she expressed concern I told him they were the words of a woman not over the past. He said he felt they were mature for remaining friends. I said yes but a friendship only works when both parties are on the same level and don't have emotions towards eaxhother because of the past.

Not many people can have sex and become clean friend's. I asked him 2 months ago if he would be upset if she met someone. He said he asked himself this and said no unless it was someone they knew. He did say when they first split he was thinking oh no she's she's to have sex with someone else. Although he said they didn't click in the bedroom at all.

I saw how he reacted the other day in the car with me to that man who had text his ex a few years ago. Very much would have liked to have given him some eye contact.

I saw the screenshot of her message. I also spoke with his cousin. She's lovely and balanced and she contacted him to see why he was being grumpy with me when we clashed about his ex. She has explained how the split affected him. Told me his ex wouldn't go back there and said they don't want to be together but they mean alot to eachother and he cares about her alot and feels I pressure him and he feels he can't say too much about her to me which he doesn't like
I told his cousin several things he had said or told me. She agreed I didn't need to hear that rubbish and told me if he doesn't fit into my life I should walk away as he can be a nightmare.

Not sure If I've covered everything on here

He definitely struggles to understand why I don't like it. I'm a reasonable person and ofcourse we all have history so the past gets mentioned. What he fails to understand is this need he has to protect her and care for her and contact her.

I'm sorry OP but it's you who is failing to understand what's really going on here.

Of course he gets it - any idiot knows that you don't bang on about your ex to your current partner. And everyone understands why that would be upsetting.

What YOU fail to understand is that he doesn't care about upsetting you. He's not bothered what you think or feel about the situation. He is a pathetic person who keeps you around to give him attention and do things for him while he idealises another woman.

Stop trying to get him to understand. He already understands. Start asking yourself why you're putting up with his horrible treatment of you.

For a moment I thought it was a painting of her, looking down at you from over the mantlepiece. From the rest you say, it still sounds quite plausible.

Him faulting her doesn't make it better. I wouldn't want to be with a guy who dissed his ex any more than I'd want to be with someone who kept her photos up.

What's gone on in your life to make you think this is the best you can hope for?

Not sure If I've covered everything on here

Blimey, you write well & clearly, but your entire long post above was unnecessary (in the sense of you spending so much time thinking about him again, instead of yourself & what's good for you).
Apart from this bit:

She agreed I didn't need to hear that rubbish and told me if he doesn't fit into my life I should walk away as he can be a nightmare.
Have you taken her advice, & dumped him yet?

If not - why do you feel you 'deserve' to be in a relationship with an alcoholic who deliberately manipulates & hurts you, & who is "a nightmare", & in which you are less important than his ex?

HINT - the solution is NOT to try to become more important than his ex.
The solution is to see him for what he is, believe his cousin, & start looking after your own interests. By dumping him.