I've been involved for the best part of a year with someone who had been single for 2 years when we met. He had given up alcohol so I guess was sort of in the recovery stage. He hasn't relapsed and works full time. He's got his life in order apart from his constant mentioning of his ex. I think they are emotionally co dependant. I can't put my finger on it. They seem to have split and when he was at his worst with drink she stepped into a support role as his cousin asked her if she could due to him having no family close by. But it continued as a friendship. He says she's like a sister to him. His cousin said they love and hate eachother but they don't want to be together. It's all very strange.
2 weeks ago we had abit of a row over her as she was concerned about him and nme potentially not being good for him. He tried to manage both sides. But in the end he didn't like me being hurt at her concerns. I've done alot for him and my hearts in the right place.
He got to a point where he told his cousin I was pressuring him about her.
Anyway he must bring her up most days to me. Sometimes she's part of a story and other times it's what she did. Where she went. What made their relationship go wrong etc. Last night he told me a couple of stories about her and one was how she helped him. The other day we were having a walk together through a lovely wood and he starts telling me a story of them on holiday.
Its constantly my ex my ex. When he's talking about the past he says my misses sometimes.
I woke up this morning feeling down and disheartened. I realised I started out this with him thinking time would change things. She would start dating. He would get busy with
Me. But it hasn't happened. He will never admit it but its obvious to me he hadn't dealt with the loss of their relationship when he stopped drinking.
This morning I've messaged him as I know I was quiet last night at his. I've told him that I was quiet because he keeps mentioning his ex to me most times we see eachother and it makes me overthink and question if I could ever match up to what she was to him. I said to him she obviously did alot for you and I notice how much you still mention her which means you are thinking about her all the time. I'm now a bag of nerves as he will probably blow when he reads it. I know he hates messages like that and I've sent it first thing in the morning.
I just feel how I feel. I don't think it's normal to expect your new girlfriend to constantly be told about your ex. Am I being unreasonable?
AIBU?
To be fed up of hearing about her.
Lucielockett · 23/09/2021 07:46
Am I being unreasonable?
489 votes. Final results.
POLLThis is so unhealthy OP, no wonder you are upset.
He tried to manage both sides. rings alarm bells for me.
It sounds far too like a man pulling puppet strings as he orchestrates a "pick-me dance". Not necessarily in the physical cheating sense, but certainly in the emotional affair sense -
www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/
2 weeks ago we had abit of a row over her as she was concerned about him and nme potentially not being good for him. But in the end he didn't like me being hurt at her concerns.
IF it is true about her 'concern' (did you hear this direct from her? - or only via him?), then she is already doing the pick-me dance for him.
If he's exaggerating or inventing - then he wants her to be doing the pick-me dance, & is using the threat of it to manipulate you.
Neither looks or feels good for you, do they?
He got to a point where he told his cousin I was pressuring him about her.
& who told YOU that he said this?
He either said it in your earshot, which is damnably rude & manipulative.
Or the cousin told you - which is probably manipulative & I would suspect the cousin being used as your b/f's Flying Monkey -
narcopath.info/about-npd/the-narcissists-players/flying-monkeys/
Or your b/f told you himself, which begs the questions - why on earth would he do that, except to shame & manipulate you?
Any of these 3 scenarios are bad news. There is no way of spinning this remark that looks harmless.
I've done a lot for him and my hearts in the right place.
Doesn't he just know it.
Do you now feel underappreciated, as if he isn't aware of how much you do, & how good your heart is?
Are you stressed, & tempted to do more & more for him, to 'prove' to him that you are The One, & that he should appreciate you better?
Neat trick, this pick-me dance, innit?
You have been kind & supportive throughout this relationship, have listened patiently to his constant Mentionitis. Now you have understandably had enough of it, how does he repay that kindness?
You have not asked him to stop seeing his ex, but you have asked him to stop with the Mentionitis. How does he repay you for that?
It's not with equal loving kindness or any respect to your feelings, is it?
Alcoholics are manipulative, it's part of the disease.
And you are being manipulated beyond endurance OP.
Not only is he refusing your very reasonable request to stop talking about his ex all the time - he punishes you for even asking him to do so!
The cousin comment was designed to shut you up, & this comment
But in the end he didn't like me being hurt at her concerns. was designed to hurt you.
Again - who told you his ex was "concerned you might not be good for him"? Why would they do that?
I'm assuming it was your b/f himself who told you this. Think about it. It's pure manipulation. A decent person would have kept that to themselves. But he just had to tell you! - why do you think that is?
Yeah - to engineer more pick-me dancing.
And maybe you didn't dance hard enough OP, because he then punished you with his he didn't like me being hurt at her concerns bullshit.
Let's unpick this pick-me dance.
It is NOT OK to announce to your g/f that your ex is concerned that the g/f might not be good for him, use the fallout to play off both sides, & then scold the g/f for being hurt that people are gossiping about how she is "not good for him".
& btw "tried to manage both sides" is NOT the positive you naively hoped OP! He created those 'sides' with his hurtful 'concern' report, which he possibly even invented. Even if he didn't invent it - what possible good did he think arbitrarily reporting the remark back to you would do the relationship, or your feelings?
I suspect you are just beginning to see the flawed & selfish behaviour of a deceitful & contriving man OP. Fortunately, it's only been a year, & your lives are not too enmeshed. How much longer do you think you want to put up with being played like this? - because I can guarantee you - he will not change. He is deliberately messing with your head & does not care what that does to your heart.
Sorry I have been harsh on him, but I've seen this played out too many times, & hope the inestimably wise Chump Lady (pick-me link above) can give you some clarity & comfort.
Justmi hits the nail on the head OP 
Tell him there's a weird dynamic going on that you're not OK with. Or don't tell him anything apart from it's over. He sounds obsessed quite frankly. You've told him it bothers you and he hasn't stopped, this should tell you all you need to know. The fact he gets angry about you not liking it is even worse. Arsehole.
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.