To be fed up of hearing about her.

[Lucielockett]

I've been involved for the best part of a year with someone who had been single for 2 years when we met. He had given up alcohol so I guess was sort of in the recovery stage. He hasn't relapsed and works full time. He's got his life in order apart from his constant mentioning of his ex. I think they are emotionally co dependant. I can't put my finger on it. They seem to have split and when he was at his worst with drink she stepped into a support role as his cousin asked her if she could due to him having no family close by. But it continued as a friendship. He says she's like a sister to him. His cousin said they love and hate eachother but they don't want to be together. It's all very strange.

2 weeks ago we had abit of a row over her as she was concerned about him and nme potentially not being good for him. He tried to manage both sides. But in the end he didn't like me being hurt at her concerns. I've done alot for him and my hearts in the right place.

He got to a point where he told his cousin I was pressuring him about her.

Anyway he must bring her up most days to me. Sometimes she's part of a story and other times it's what she did. Where she went. What made their relationship go wrong etc. Last night he told me a couple of stories about her and one was how she helped him. The other day we were having a walk together through a lovely wood and he starts telling me a story of them on holiday.

Its constantly my ex my ex. When he's talking about the past he says my misses sometimes.

I woke up this morning feeling down and disheartened. I realised I started out this with him thinking time would change things. She would start dating. He would get busy with
Me. But it hasn't happened. He will never admit it but its obvious to me he hadn't dealt with the loss of their relationship when he stopped drinking.

This morning I've messaged him as I know I was quiet last night at his. I've told him that I was quiet because he keeps mentioning his ex to me most times we see eachother and it makes me overthink and question if I could ever match up to what she was to him. I said to him she obviously did alot for you and I notice how much you still mention her which means you are thinking about her all the time. I'm now a bag of nerves as he will probably blow when he reads it. I know he hates messages like that and I've sent it first thing in the morning.

I just feel how I feel. I don't think it's normal to expect your new girlfriend to constantly be told about your ex. Am I being unreasonable?

[Shoxfordian]

Yeah you can do better than someone who constantly talks about his ex. I would have told him to his face; honey I don’t want to hear about your ex

[Xiaoxiong]

Setting aside the fact you are in a relationship with an alcoholic who isn't fully committed to you - you're in a relationship with someone with whom you are afraid to discuss difficult issues for fear of his anger.

Right now it's his ex but what will it be in future? Life is tough, and real partners have to be able to talk about things - money, jobs, housing, sick relatives, ageing parents. You don't mention kids but maybe that too (yours, his, yours together, who knows).

Throw this one back.

[Iwonder08]

Screw that. Whatever weirdness they have between that, it is really not what you need in your life. Without any hesitation I would ditch the guy. He knows it is hurting you, it has been 2 years, he did nothing about it. He will never fix it and shows lack of care for you.

[romdowa]

I wouldn't even wait for his reply , I'd message again stating that you can no longer live in this kind of dynamic and that you wish him the best of luck with the future. Why hold off on ending it?

[LizzieSiddal]

You’re bound to feel sad, as it’s the end of a relationship, but you can’t carry on with someone who is still hugely involved with an ex. I’m glad you’ve talked it though on here and your own thoughts have been clarified.

[lazylinguist]

The issue I'm having aswel is he sees it as I don't want him to speak to her or be her friend at all. But actually I just wanted a healthy balance.

If anything I'd say you're being too understanding! The fact that he thinks you should be ok with this and not make a fuss shows quite how unreasonable he is. I wonder if he'd be so accommodating if it were you constantly going on about an ex...

[LaRobeRouge]

I've been married a long time. The subject of our respective exes has rarely come up. I agree with a PP this is triangulation and you should walk away from both of them.

[AndThenInTheEnd]

Why did you bother sending that message? Do you think it will make him stop loving and wanting her? Of course not. The truth is your boyfriend loves another woman, so be the brave one and end it. Find someone who doesn’t, you know, actually love someone else! And have a look at why you put up with this for more than 5 minutes.

[10yearwarranty]

Waste of time and effort. Ditch him.

[MrsHGWells]

Nothing has changed. Ex is still in his world and the ex still rents alot of mind time.

The best part of Ex.... spells NExt!,,

[Etinox]

You sound clear headed and wise @Lucielockett
It’s no failure. You live and learn- what you’re doing is proportionate and healthy.

[NewlyGranny]

She sometimes put her happiness before him. She wasn't perfect.

Which of us would that not be true of in our relationships? It sounds to me as if he tried to martyr his ex to his problems and now he wants two martyrs - aka support humans - on his case. He's emotionally unavailable, isn't he?

Is he a man or just a salvage project? If you'd bought a wreck of a car and it kept needing expensive repairs and still broke down every time you tried to go anywhere, what would you do? Do that.

[LemonTT]

OP you have posted at least twice about him in relationships. Repositioning the story each time. Almost everyone has told you the same thing. He’s not good news and his family’s stories about him aren’t meant to help you.

He tried to control his ex by preventing her holidaying with friends. He was caught messaging other women and turned to drink. Since he has been with you he has been messaging another woman, his ex. He’s flip flopped on wanting their relationship back. He’s a dick. He’s a bad’un.

If you want that and all the grief then stay with him. But no matter how you spin it, advice will be dump him.

[Noorandapples]

He's not over her, doesn't want to be over her, cut your losses and find someone that will make you the focus. My ex brought his ex up constantly for 4 years, guess who he ended up with a week after we broke up!

[pinkyredrose]

He's not over her, that's for sure. Definitely best if you split up.

[starfishmummy]

I could live with once or twice a month a mention

Just no. Even that is not normal.

[Anordinarymum]

He does not seem to mind that he has brought you down to rock bottom does he OP

[WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy]

None of this is healthy. I think ending it now is the right thing to do. You deserve better, you deserve someone who puts you first.

[EmotionalSupportBear]

i think its a delicate road to tread. My ExH and i seperated 4 years ago, neither of us have had another relationship since.

When i speak to friends, yeah, i have mentionitis where he is concerned, but we were together all of my adult life, and we have kids, so he is STILL a big part of my life in that i have to interact with him at least 2 or 3 times a week to do with them.

If i were in a relationship the same thing would happen, because i literally don't have any memories or stories post 19years old where he wasn't involved or present or part of it.

I think i'd be really hurt if my partner thought that meant i didn't want a future with them, not mentioning them would mean never mentioning anything about my life pre-them, and thats unfair.

So while i can see your POV, you need to work out if you're being reasonable and getting upset over what is just conversation/memories that she happens to be part of, or if he's prioritising her over you.

[Generallystruggling]

DH and I barely ever mention exes and never really have. Think we had the odd mention of bad experiences when we very first met but that was about it. I don’t think it’s normal or usual to mention an ex a lot, not unless you’re an older widowed couple perhaps and you both enjoy mentioning your deceased spouses.

He’s not over her, it’s as simple as that and you should have left a long time ago. The fact she’s still around won’t help him move on either.

[tocas]

Pop him in. The bin.

[JollyHolly30]

Has he replied yet OP?

[ravenmum]

he sees it as I don't want him to speak to her or be her friend at all. But actually I just wanted a healthy balance
He is making you out to be a bitch. People who like you don't act as if you are a bitch.

You're going out of your way to be kind to this guy, tiptoeing over his feelings, repressing your wishes and needs, afraid to make even the tiniest complaint, while he can do whatever shitty things he likes and make you out to be a bitch. You are being considerate and still feeling horrible; he is massively inconsiderate and thinks he's better than you.

I turned down one guy after two dates as he brought up his ex too much for my liking. I suggest you use a stronger filter in the early days next time you are dating.

[TheFoundations]

I'm now a bag of nerves as he will probably blow when he reads it

Leave this guy, and never have another relationship with anyone who makes you feel like this about expressing your feelings.