To be fed up of hearing about her.

[Lucielockett]

I've been involved for the best part of a year with someone who had been single for 2 years when we met. He had given up alcohol so I guess was sort of in the recovery stage. He hasn't relapsed and works full time. He's got his life in order apart from his constant mentioning of his ex. I think they are emotionally co dependant. I can't put my finger on it. They seem to have split and when he was at his worst with drink she stepped into a support role as his cousin asked her if she could due to him having no family close by. But it continued as a friendship. He says she's like a sister to him. His cousin said they love and hate eachother but they don't want to be together. It's all very strange.

2 weeks ago we had abit of a row over her as she was concerned about him and nme potentially not being good for him. He tried to manage both sides. But in the end he didn't like me being hurt at her concerns. I've done alot for him and my hearts in the right place.

He got to a point where he told his cousin I was pressuring him about her.

Anyway he must bring her up most days to me. Sometimes she's part of a story and other times it's what she did. Where she went. What made their relationship go wrong etc. Last night he told me a couple of stories about her and one was how she helped him. The other day we were having a walk together through a lovely wood and he starts telling me a story of them on holiday.

Its constantly my ex my ex. When he's talking about the past he says my misses sometimes.

I woke up this morning feeling down and disheartened. I realised I started out this with him thinking time would change things. She would start dating. He would get busy with
Me. But it hasn't happened. He will never admit it but its obvious to me he hadn't dealt with the loss of their relationship when he stopped drinking.

This morning I've messaged him as I know I was quiet last night at his. I've told him that I was quiet because he keeps mentioning his ex to me most times we see eachother and it makes me overthink and question if I could ever match up to what she was to him. I said to him she obviously did alot for you and I notice how much you still mention her which means you are thinking about her all the time. I'm now a bag of nerves as he will probably blow when he reads it. I know he hates messages like that and I've sent it first thing in the morning.

I just feel how I feel. I don't think it's normal to expect your new girlfriend to constantly be told about your ex. Am I being unreasonable?

It seems you've only been dating this man for six weeks at the most even though you've known him longer. That really is too soon to be feeling this way; worrying about how he'll react to what you say. He seems really manipulative and imo you should finish it with him, he's not good for you.

This is how many women get into bad relationships. The signs are flashing like a fire engine on the way to petrol depot fire and still she can’t see what slapping her about the face. Good luck with your bad relationship. You’ll need it.

@Geamhradh

He'd been single for two years yet still mentions his ex constantly? He has drink problems which led to a possible co-dependent relationship with the ex?

See those hills?
Get your boots on and start running.

This

Your relationship can't be all about him and his recovery. Where's the balance in him considering your feelings? How do you see your future play out with this issue be a constant? Him making her godmother and naming your kids after her?
Good on him for the recovery and staying sober, but go find yourself someone who puts you first.

The hills. Run for them.

Which will then lead me to say maybe another woman would be fine with it, but I am not so it's not fair to you for me to stick around and you having to worry about mentioning her etc.

I doubt there are many women who would put up with it. By saying this, you are making it your fault when it isn’t. It isn’t fair to you to put up with it. He should know the fault is his.

Will posters please read the OPs Posts, she has already said she’s finishing with him!.

It’s infuriating when people can’t be bothered to even read the thread!

Sorry, I had to laugh at the can live with a couple times a month mention. Excuse, throw this one back and after being on your own for some time, when you meet someone nice it´ll be someone who will be mentioning YOU to others all the time. Get rid of this one.

@LizzieSiddal

Will posters please read the OPs Posts, she has already said she’s finishing with him!.

It’s infuriating when people can’t be bothered to even read the thread!

Was this meant for another thread?

RUN LIKE THE WIND.

Before it's too late. Before you've wasted too much time, or worse, before there is a shared mortgage or a marraige or kids.

I can't predict the future but I can tell you now, this doesn't end well for you. Sorry.

i think its a delicate road to tread.

It really isn’t.

When i speak to friends, yeah, i have mentionitis where he is concerned, but we were together all of my adult life, and we have kids, so he is STILL a big part of my life in that i have to interact with him at least 2 or 3 times a week to do with them.

Having to see him and discuss things to do with the kids is a different issue. Most partners will understand that has to be done.

If i were in a relationship the same thing would happen, because i literally don't have any memories or stories post 19years old where he wasn't involved or present or part of it.

Not talking about him doesn’t mean not talking about your past. Just the other day I was recounting a story about something that happened on a holiday I had with an ex (over two decades ago) He was irrelevant to the story and I never mentioned him throughout. I rarely mention any exes, even though I’d had a few long relationships. A new partner will be pissed off with constant “when Ex and I did this thing it was so much fun” stories. Maybe start to re-frame those stories when you speak with friends.

Was this meant for another thread?

No

Perhaps you've missed out the bits about his shining qualities and the benefits he brings to your life....you've made him sound self-absorbed and manipulative - pretty dreadful in fact. I'd suggest moving on and leaving him on the basis of what you've said.

Thanks. We've been involved for a year next month. Not 6 weeks.
He has replied and said she was In his life for 10 years and it's hard to talk about things without mentioning her. He said he dies t understand why it bothers me and I mentiony children's dad. I pointed out I only mention him for the kids or for us meeting up purposes
And not for memories and what we did together.

He asked if I wanted to ring and I declined as he would get wound up. When he wants to have an honest conversation he is welcome to but I'm not going to brush it under the carpet anymore.

He can't see that he is no sober and he's not processed their split so he's gone down this unhealthy road of sitting in the past. Its strange as he doesn't want to be there. But it's like he still keeps looking at it.

They won't get back together. It's been almost 3 years. But I think they both are emotionally damaged and have ended up in a dysfunctional set up. Which I guess is common with addicts or victims of toxic relationships.

Also, PLEASE stop analysing him and making desperate excuses for his behaviour. Yes she was there for him when he went sober. So? I had friends who got me through similar. And I have been that friend for others.

We don't bang on about each other constantly. We aren't codependent. We arent pretty much obsessed with each other, like your BF is with his ex!

It's hard to hear, but you need to be honest with yourself. Stop trying to find reasons that excuse his mentionitis! Stop trying to find ANY reason for it other than to very obvious real reason which is...

They can't let go of each other. You know it or you wouldn't feel so down about it. This clearly isn't over for them. And whatever state their relationship is in now - it's NOT DONE.

They might not be being physically intimate now, but that doesn't mean they don't want to be, or they won't be again some day. You can make excuses all you want, but you don't get a case of mentionitis this bad when you don't have feelings for someone.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but your posts remind me of my best friend frantically trying to make excuses for this LOSER who was doing similar to her and who she ended up being heartbroken over because she did what you are doing - tried to become a psychologist to diagnose him with any reason for his behaviour, rather than just wake up and be honest with herself.

Sorry but I have to ask. His name doesn’t start with A does it!? I’ve heard this exact story before. Spookily similar

Also, PLEASE stop analysing him and making desperate excuses for his behaviour.

This X a million. Balonzette’s whole post is absolutely spot on.

No not with an A.

I know you are right. I do need to stop making excuses up for him now. His traumas do not justify me having to accept another woman being so important to him. Especially one he's shared a bed with and had alot with. It can't work for either of us. Because he will always want to talk about her and he will always see me as the one with a silly issue about it. We can't see eye to eye on it.

I know more about her than I do my own friends. Somehow I know what brands of shoes she wears. Her love of candles. Her dad's a nightmare. She loves wine. She pays alot of money for her hair. Where she works. She has thousands of Facebook friends and she likes to feel popular. She loves bodyshop and he bought her a certain brand of charm bracelet and put a charm on for every memory they shared. Don't think my ex would even remember what shoes I wore and don't think he noticed if I got my hair cut

YANBU but you need to find a new approach because constantly telling him about it has already resulted in him saying it is ‘pressure’ and his ex interfering on the grounds that you are no good for him!

It sounds as if they have invested a lot and are not confident that he can manage without their support. Maybe he isn’t ready, or is just used to a circle of adults putting his needs at the centre.

Maybe he isn’t ready to commit to you.

Anyway the current response from you isn’t working. You may need to be brace and step away while he finished his own personal rehab process.

You may be wanting to support him… but in the end not much comes from a relationship where one party is seeing themselves as the saviour or support of the other for a significant part of the emotional connection between them.

Be honest: how far do you see yourself as a beacon of light that will lead to his full recovery?

You may need to step away while he decides what his priority is, the relationship with his ex, etc etc.

@Lucielockett

Thanks. We've been involved for a year next month. Not 6 weeks. He has replied and said she was In his life for 10 years and it's hard to talk about things without mentioning her. He said he dies t understand why it bothers me and I mentiony children's dad. I pointed out I only mention him for the kids or for us meeting up purposes And not for memories and what we did together.

He asked if I wanted to ring and I declined as he would get wound up. When he wants to have an honest conversation he is welcome to but I'm not going to brush it under the carpet anymore.

He can't see that he is no sober and he's not processed their split so he's gone down this unhealthy road of sitting in the past. Its strange as he doesn't want to be there. But it's like he still keeps looking at it.

They won't get back together. It's been almost 3 years. But I think they both are emotionally damaged and have ended up in a dysfunctional set up. Which I guess is common with addicts or victims of toxic relationships.

That's not what you've said on another thread but ok then. Regardless he's not good for you is he?

@Lucielockett

No not with an A.

I know you are right. I do need to stop making excuses up for him now. His traumas do not justify me having to accept another woman being so important to him. Especially one he's shared a bed with and had alot with. It can't work for either of us. Because he will always want to talk about her and he will always see me as the one with a silly issue about it. We can't see eye to eye on it.

I know more about her than I do my own friends. Somehow I know what brands of shoes she wears. Her love of candles. Her dad's a nightmare. She loves wine. She pays alot of money for her hair. Where she works. She has thousands of Facebook friends and she likes to feel popular. She loves bodyshop and he bought her a certain brand of charm bracelet and put a charm on for every memory they shared. Don't think my ex would even remember what shoes I wore and don't think he noticed if I got my hair cut

It looks as if he is using you as another stepping stone to his recovery, not as a love interest or even as a friend tbh

I'd walk away. Sounds like his whole life revolves around her.

@EdgeOfTheSky

I think that I hoped it would settle and as we got together she would drop away. But it hasn't. I don't think he's over loosing her. He has been told through a Councillor after the split that he struggles with grief and loss. Loosing people absolutely wrecks him. It's again from deep rooted stuff from his past. So even though its over she's his comfort blanket. He likes to know she's OK. Then he feels he hasn't let her down. He cares about her still as she did alot for him.
He's told many people I'm everything he wants. He loves me. He sees us being happy. I do believe I'm the first woman he's actually thought ooo maybe I can be happy again. He's definitely getting happiness from us. There's part of me that are more positive for him than she was. So yes I believe he does want to make a go of things with us. But he has his foot in the past.

I think one day she will find someone as she's 37 and perhaps will want a sex life or a relationship again. I believe when she does meet someone it will hurt him. But I think that's the point he will have to let go. I don't think she would do the same for him if she was in love again. I think she will try distance away. I think she was pressured into helping him and now she is struggling to let go herself. She's scared he will move on as she still feels they are bonded.

I have put in as much patience as I'm willing to. If he was showing signs of moving away from her by now I'd be OK. I understand the history and that he is sober now and things are going to be in his mind now that drunk him had blocked out. But enough is enough.

I had a relationship with an addict who kept banging on about his last big relationship. It was pretty annoying. We had a long term relationship as well then broke up and I gather from 2 subsequent girlfriends he then didn’t stop banging on to them about me. He was an addict in recovery like your DP. I wonder if it’s something about an addictive personality and difficulty moving on or a tendency to obsess. Either way, after a while it becomes intolerable and just isn’t acceptable. I second all the advice to move on

Hes still in love with her. If she wanted him back he would drop you and go running.
Just end it. Its not going to do your confidence any good living like this.