Preschool pressures

[Mrs2020]

My 3.5 year old has always been cared for by a family member or myself all her life (never been to nursery). We do lots of activities to try and help with socialisation more (especially given pandemic challenges over last 18months)- she goes to 2 sports/dance classes, various stay & plays and regular play dates. I also have a 1 year old boy, so they have each other to interact with. We do at least one proper day out in the week in addition (National trust, farms, etc). Obviously some days are less successful than others- but we have a fairly active week for the most part.

She’s confident, curious, happy and loves the company of other children. She’s meeting and exceeding “milestones”- she can read first stage books and do sums.

We’re getting a lot of pressure from family members and friends- they can’t understand why she isn’t in preschool. They believe she’s missing out and will struggle when she starts school next year as she’s not been in a formal environment without me. My husband thinks I should compromise and send her to 2-3 preschool sessions a week- he’s not unhappy with anything now but thinks it would give me more time to focus on baby alone.

Am I being unreasonable to want to look after her myself rather than sending her to a preschool? I don’t want to make things difficult for her starting school next year, but at the same time selfishly I’m loving all being together each day. I don’t want to be selfish and keep her with me, if she would have a better start from going to a preschool if that makes sense!

Not a helpful reply but I didn't want to read and run!

My 3.5 year old sounds like yours (except she can't read books yet lol)

She starts a school nursery next week. 5 mornings 8.30-11.30

I find it perfect because still have the afternoons free for another year but she gets that experience of being in a school and getting to know everyone before next year reception!

Maybe that might work for you?

BUT if you don't want to, then hell no. Only reason I'm doing it is because I think she needs a few hours of playing, socialising without her 5 month old brother wrecking the mornings!

Ds went to preschool 2 mornings a week from the month before he was 3, then from the next term until he started school he went Mon - Thurs mornings, we had a caravan & went away every weekend so he had Friday off. Could you look to put dc in just a couple of mornings? They are only there maybe 2.5 - 3 hours & it does wonders for their social skills.

I think the nursery year before reception/p1 can be really useful for kids esp if it's one attached to the school they are going to go to.

It's not essential though.

It sounds like you're doing a great job and she's very bright and well socialised etc as it is. The only thought I would have is that, going to school also involves a lot of following rules, being able to sit still for reasonable periods of time (20 - 30 mins), coping being in an environment like the playground which also includes all the older children, self care like looking after their own bag and belongings, dressing and undressing themselves etc.
Personally I think it might be worth trying a couple of days or half days to build up familiarity with the things you can't really replicate through home care but assuming she's pretty emotionally resilient, she'll figure it out either way and I'm sure it wouldn't be a major disadvantage to her if you didn't want to send her to preschool.

Ignore ignore ignore. It's not a requirement.

going to school also involves a lot of following rules, being able to sit still for reasonable periods of time (20 - 30 mins), coping being in an environment like the playground which also includes all the older children, self care like looking after their own bag and belongings, dressing and undressing themselves etc.

This. It's also quite intense when they start school, and getting used to being away from you for the first time, at the same time as everything else, will be a lot at once. Does she do any "drop and go" classes or play groups where she's getting used to being away from you for short spells?

I'll be honest with you OP, my Dniece was in this position and she struggled a lot with suddenly being separated from her mum. Lots of tears at drop off for weeks.

You can always put her in for the last term. Being able to read and do maths is great but reception is mainly about getting used to being in school and independent and the social side of being in a room with 30 kids and listening to the teacher etc and it will be hard for you to replicate this, not because you're not doing an excellent job but because you're her mum.

At 3.5 your DD would probably benefit from the socialization of some larger group time where she plays rather than doing a directed activity. A few days or half days a week are likely to be really good for her. Given the rich environment you create for her, I would think she would be better off not going full time.

The other side of this, though, is that I think your DH is right that your DS would hugely benefit from more one-on-one time with you. In general first children do significantly better than second children within a family and, as I understand it, research points to the amount of individual attention the first child gets at the beginning of their life as the major factor.

She would probably benefit from the peer interaction and social side and your 1 year old would benefit from some 1;1 time. I know my littlest hasn’t had anywhere near the same level of quality 1:1 time that my eldest did. Once she’s at school, the school runs also put a bit of a limit on what you can do with no.2. It is also quite rubbish having to drag the little one to the eldest’s activities all the time (for you and them).

I’d also say you’re approaching the point where you’re likely to get much more conflict between them. My older one was utterly pissed off with her sister once she could walk and mess with her toys, ruin games etc. I am still a bit scarred from trying to do homeschool while having a 1yo about.

Having worked in Early Years it was the ones who had been with mum all the time who found it more difficult to transition, BUT that was in the short term, in the long term they all adjusted.

However your daughter sounds very bright -reading and doing sums by this age so she might relish the slightly more female learning in a school nursery where there will be phonics and maths activities/groups.

Give her a couple of days to get used to the routine so that the transition to reception isn't such a big event. Going from FT mummy to being left at school every day is a huge change. Do you leave her anywhere now?

When’s her birthday? If she’s summer born have you thought about deferring? (Not for academic reasons- she’s clearly bright) but just so that she doesn’t have to rush into full time school next September. You still get funding so she could “do pre-school” next September and then school the year after.
I think it’s hard to go straight to school after no pre school at all- but I equally get not wanting to send her if you’re happy with how things are going.

I agree that the issue is not so much one of socialisation but of her being used to being with you all the time. Even if she sometimes goes to a family member without you (eg morning with granny) that is not the same as being left with a group of 20+ other children.

I also do feel a little bit for your youngest - presumably his older sister had you all to herself for the 2+ years before he was born. It would be nice if you could give him a bit of that 1:1 time too that isn’t just the odd hour here or there.

Big reason to send them... most find it fun. Not necessarily better than home, but different. Things my DDs did (different preschools) included...

• themed weeks, like the time they had Afternoon Tea with the Queen (including making the cake and inviting parents, having made the invitarions). Or Chinese New year, where they made the 'dragon' and learned the dance.
• joining in with school events, like World Book Day
• different craft activities.

Sports day

• forest school
• trips to the nature reserve to do pond dipping etc.

Then at home we did different things, like trips out, baking, learning to ride a bike, swimming etc.

My eldest going to preschool meant the younger one got 1-1 time too, like the eldest got when she was young.

Ultimately, its your decision. There's no right answer really.

Agree with majority of posters, she will benefit from nursery and the school transition will be easier for her. It could be quite a difficult time if she's not used to being away from you/other close family members.

I find your attitude to be about your needs rather than hers.

Your husband has a view and say too. There's a compromise to be had. I'd arrange it from after Xmas then increase further in summer term when they get involved in school transition activities etc. It's fun for them.

Don't make it harder for her for your own benefit.

A friend of mine went through something similar. In the end, she chose a nursery just on Friday mornings because that was the day/time they went to the local theatre. Perhaps try to find one that is activity based on a certain day of the week. For example, we have one that takes the children to swimming lessons one afternoon a week. I have to agree sadly that it is quite helpful for the reasons mentioned above to give your child a taste of nursery.

All the best

Mine same age DS goes to preschool a couple of days a week (I'm a SAHP and have a baby) - it's fantastic. He's learning all the soft skills that are hard to teach without 30 other kids like big group socialising, waiting his turn in a big group, queuing for the toilet, sitting for circle time, using his peg and remembering to bring his stuff at the end of the day. He was proud because he was picked to be the leader of his group when they had a fire drill.

It gives me clear days to do activities with the baby so she gets dedicated time, and I've got chance to get more stuff done round the house without having to ignore him to do it. He gets free hours and we never get anything free from the government so damn right I'm using them!

What @Aroundtheworldin80moves said.

Your husband and family have a point I’m afraid. Preschool is called that for a reason. Pre school. Otherwise you are going to have a very tough first term at school. Preschool has multiple uses. If it’s attached to the school the preschool leader takes them in to meet the teacher and they have transition sessions. The preschool leader can spot any issues/delays and get things set up at the school for your child’s benefit before they start. They often have an influence over what teacher your child has and they all “go up” as a little group of friends. They help prepare them for sitting eating in the canteen, tie laces, get changed quickly into gym kit, the school day timings..it stops it being overwhelming for them. Plus she’ll be missing out on all the end of preschool parties and celebrations which are super super cute and you get to keep photos and it’s just lovely. Mini olympics, disco etc why wouldn’t you want her to be part of that?

DS went to the pre-school attached to the school he was going to go to 5 afternoons a week from 3.5. We felt it would give him more variety and he’d meet other children. It was definitely worth it.

My kids both went to preschool but:

• They both cried settling into pre school and then again on starting school. So no guarantee of being less upset as a benefit.
• My son has totally forgotten about the kids he was friends with at preschool and is now solely friends with kids in his class as he sees them every day.
• DC2 has learnt things at preschool (some writing, phonics and numbers) but DC1 didn’t learn any of that, and just picked it up in the first term of reception and is meeting expectations.
• they follow the same curriculum in reception as in preschool and seem to be doing all the same topics as my child has already done in preschool.

It’s good, there were benefits, but it’s not essential.

I agree with your husband.
As you say, you “selfishly” want to keep her at home. Sounds like you know deep down that it’ll be good for her to get some exposure to a formal setting before school

We sent DD to school nursery 5 mornings a week at 3.5, after many queries why she wasn't going younger or for longer (entitled to 30 hours). She was nervous beforehand but settled in immediately. She then had a very disrupted nursery year due to lockdown. Whilst she liked nursery, I think she liked being at home more.

I'm happy with our choice, and will do the same for DS but I think DD would have equally been fine to go straight to Reception. I disagree with this idea that we constantly have to prep them for the next stage, as I think sometimes they are better equipped to cope with later stages when they are more mature. Only thing is are you being prevented from giving the baby opportunities e.g. baby swimming because you have DD there?