Preschool pressures

[Mrs2020]

My 3.5 year old has always been cared for by a family member or myself all her life (never been to nursery). We do lots of activities to try and help with socialisation more (especially given pandemic challenges over last 18months)- she goes to 2 sports/dance classes, various stay & plays and regular play dates. I also have a 1 year old boy, so they have each other to interact with. We do at least one proper day out in the week in addition (National trust, farms, etc). Obviously some days are less successful than others- but we have a fairly active week for the most part.

She’s confident, curious, happy and loves the company of other children. She’s meeting and exceeding “milestones”- she can read first stage books and do sums.

We’re getting a lot of pressure from family members and friends- they can’t understand why she isn’t in preschool. They believe she’s missing out and will struggle when she starts school next year as she’s not been in a formal environment without me. My husband thinks I should compromise and send her to 2-3 preschool sessions a week- he’s not unhappy with anything now but thinks it would give me more time to focus on baby alone.

Am I being unreasonable to want to look after her myself rather than sending her to a preschool? I don’t want to make things difficult for her starting school next year, but at the same time selfishly I’m loving all being together each day. I don’t want to be selfish and keep her with me, if she would have a better start from going to a preschool if that makes sense!

I’m incredibly old now but I’m still annoyed that my parents never sent me to the village play school as it was then. It looked wonderful to my then three year old self. They had a massive sand pit and dolls and bikes. I had to walk by it but how I wished I could go. Are you making this decision for you op because you want your daughter at home, or for your daughter? Two mornings a week, what harm would it do!

Aw god another “my kid can read at 3.5 aren’t they soooo clever....” stealth boast post.

Do what you want OP.

but at the same time selfishly I’m loving all being together each day

I'm glad others around you are putting dd first because you appear to be putting you first.

I had a similar age gap between my two.

We sent our eldest to school nursery at 3 mainly so my youngest had my undivided attention sometimes. I also sent my youngest to nursery at 3 because I went back to full time work then.

Do whatever suits you and your family op. My very clingy, pre school hating ds missed out on a lot of preschool because of covid and was fine starting school much to everyone's surprise. My dd goes for the free 15 hours (2.5 days) just because she loves it and I love the time alone. I think it can really benefit them socially and getting used to rules and expectations (there are a lot of them at school) but not essential.

Your child won’t be harmed by not going to pre-school, if you enjoy time home with her and she enjoys it just keep her at home. 4 is young enough to be starting education and there’s no reason why she won’t adapt to her new environment when the time comes.

I’m in two minds here, I can see their point. Starting school is very different from socialising with parents and in all honesty a few mornings a week will probably make things easier for her when she starts reception. You may be able to get a pre-school for her where she meets some of the kids who will be with her. I understand your position but I think you could maybe take a step back and think about what’s genuinely best for her in the long term. You’d still have loads of time with her if she did a couple of mornings, and you may get 15 or 30 hours free.

I agree with everyone else. Preschool is not at all formal, and she could go for 2 or 3 mornings a week.

I agree that your argument for not sending her is more about what you want and not what your DD might want and need.

Preschool provides a gentle transition between being at home all the time and starting school.

As someone at home with a baby and 3 year old - hats off to you! I cannot begin to imagine life if the 3 year old wasn't out of my hair at nursery some days. You need to do what's right for your family but I read an interesting thing about Germany recently, about how the right of children to have an independent life away from their family is held in very high regard - a very high percentage go to pre-school and home schooling is not allowed. I've been pondering it since - the point was made that it's not always easy for the parents but is believed to be in the best interests of the child. I don't know how culturally true this really is but I do think it's a different way of looking at it and that even young children should be allowed to explore friendships etc that aren't completely directed by their parents.

If it help, have a look at the Early Years Foundation Stage. I think most preschools follow it.

@HikingforScenery

I agree with your husband. As you say, you “selfishly” want to keep her at home. Sounds like you know deep down that it’ll be good for her to get some exposure to a formal setting before school

The point here I agree with is that (apart from it being a poorly disguised stealth boast) the attendance at preschool isn't really about the academic stuff. It's about the socialisation in large groups, learning to line up (I mean properly!), take a turn amongst many, clear their plates to the washing up area after lunch, sit quietly in a big group and so much more.

You child is missing out.

@thepinknecklace

Aw god another “my kid can read at 3.5 aren’t they soooo clever....” stealth boast post.

Do what you want OP.

I meant to quote this post.

No stealth boasting from me today. ! I clearly should have stayed at home with my mother 😂

Do you know which school you hope she will go to next year? It might ease her transition into school if she already knows some of the other children. So if you can find a school nursery or preschool which has children who usually move on to one of your preferred schools, that will help with September.

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing - just one or two sessions a week even will give her everything other people have pointed out - practice being in a group setting without you, practicing leaving you, practicing some of the expectations school will have on her.

A preschool will have more flexibility, if you are late or have the chance to do something else for the day, that’ll be fine. If you need shorter sessions to settle in, that’ll be fine too. Whereas jumping straight to reception, she will need to be there absolutely on time, every day. The jump from full time with you to full time in school is quite huge. A little bit of part time preschool or nursery will help her make that jump.

And absolutely it will also give you time with your son. All those lovely things you did with your daughter when she was his age. I know you’ll be doing some of them with both of them still, but won’t it be nice for the two of you to have a bit of practice just being the two of you together too? He’s going to be pretty lost too otherwise when he loses his playmate.

You won’t stunt her forever by not sending her and it won’t do her any lasting damage. But if you can find it in you to book her a couple of sessions a week from January, say, potentially moving to one full day after Easter, it may well make next September much much easier for her. And that’s a good thing, surely?

I don’t think there’s a set right or wrong here. Mine went to preschool a few mornings a week because they enjoyed it and did stuff I was less good at (messy play etc). It also gets them used to being in a big group of kids, some of whom they may not like. My kids had fun. I wouldn’t have continued to send them if they didn’t, though.

I had the exact same pressure, PIL gave huge pressure to persuade us children had to go to Nursery. Neither of my children did. They were both behind in reading and writing when starting school, however they were happy children who had had a lovely start to life. And importantly they both quickly got up to level for all subjects, eldest finished primary school by passing the exams for prestigious schools so clearly lack of nursery isn't holding her back. The teacher for youngest repeatedly says how amazed she was that youngest started unable to write or read her name but finished year 1 exceeding expectations in English! As for the argument of they need to go to Nursery to socialise and get used to being with other children also not the case both my kids settled in socially as quickly as those who had been to nursery. Enjoy the special time with your little one, it passes too quickly

Your daughter doesn't have to start formal education until the term after her 5th birthday. She doesn't even have to go to school then if she's educated otherwise.

Both mine went to preschool; both were very bright, my son especially.
With hindsight, I would not have sent either of them. Preschool ought to be preparation for school but, in reality, it can be a bear garden and some children really struggle if they're not yet ready for that.

What the hell is a bear garden!?!

Sorry if I sounded like I was ranting but this topic touches a nerve for me after years of people hassling me about my child rearing choices. At the end of the day there is never a right and wrong way to bring up children but just the best at that time for you and your family

You need to do what you think is best and I am sure lots of People will tell you that their child coped fine going from no pre school to school but I think it’s a really good idea even if it’s just a couple of days/half days.
I didn’t need to do it for work but both my DC started 2 mornings a week from age 2 and by the time they started school they were doing 3 full days. They met other kids they started school with and despite the pre school not actually being attached to the school the teachers did visit the pre school and they worked together on the transition.
I remember DDs Reception teacher telling me that in her opinion it was “almost cruel” for some DC to go from being with family 24/7 to 5 days a week in a new environment overnight.

I run a preschool and parents send their children to us for all sorts of reasons. Some need school hours care as they work, others just want a couple of mornings to get their children ready for going to school. I ask for a minimum of 2 sessions as one isn't enough to get them really settled.

It helps them understand, for when they go to school, that they are part of a bigger group so sometimes have to wait to do things or be listened to. It also helps that most, not all, go to the school next door so get to know some of the children they will be going with.

All children are entitled to a 15 hours funded place from the term after their third birthday so you could look into a couple of days from then. It will do her good to be with other children and people ready for the transition to school and will give you a couple of days one to one with your other child. My two went but not for all the hours so we had a balance of some time for them and me to be away from each other plus days so we could go and do things together before they went to school full time.

But, there are children out there who never go to preschool who settle well into school life and if that's what you want don't give in to pressure from others and do what's best for you. Take note of their good intentions and think it through before dismissing it completely.

I think it is probably better for most dc to have some time at preschool if you are planning to send them to school. It is a huge jump otherwise.

I agree with others. She could benefit from a couple of sessions a week - term time only. Find a pre school that is close by to the school she's likely to go to - the school may even have one. Just do a couple of morning sessions a week, that's all she needs. It's helpful for getting them school ready - not in the academic sense necessarily but in the social responsibility sense e.g. helping them look after their belongings, hanging coats up, putting on shoes/wellies etc, sharing, tidying up etc. Pre school is helpful in the transition to school and the benefit of maybe making a few friends who will accompany her to primary school is always helpful.

I never went to nursery/ pre school etc as my mum could never afford it & I really struggled with staring school as I'd never been away from my mum.
My eldest started preschool just before he was 3 and despite being well socialised with me (toddler groups etc) he really struggled too as he'd not been away from me or family it took him months to settle but thankfully when he started school (joined to the pre school) he was absolutely fine, I think it would have been totally different if he'd not been to pre school.
My current 3 year old is home with me now & hopefully will be starting pre school in January as I just know he's going to struggle as well so would rather get that bit out the way before starting reception!

YANBU - you sound like you’re providing her with a well-balanced, social and stimulating environment. There is absolutely no need for children to go to pre-school and the Early Years (Reception) year at school is all about learning the skills to manage in a group education setting. They will teach them how to sit on the carpet in a group and listen to a story, how to learn in a group etc. My two did go to nursery as I worked and it was fine but my eldest was bright and could read and write and they actually wouldn’t let her do this at nursery because ‘school may not like it’ which (as a teacher) is the biggest load of rubbish I ever heard. So she ended up being under stimulated and bored and I did start to see a negative effect on her behaviour. However, I went to Pre-school and could also read and write and they encouraged this and I had no issues, so if you do send her I would ask about their attitude towards this aspect.

As long as you are providing her with opportunities to socialise independently from yourself then I would think you will have a confident self-assured little girl who thrives in primary school. As a Mum who had to work full time through my daughters’ earlier years I would say grasp every opportunity to savour that time with your little ones. It does not have to lead to a clingy child if you manage it appropriately (as it sounds like you are doing).

The only thing I would say is if all the kids starting at the school know each other from the same nursery then it can be hard to break into friendship groups. We had this because my daughter went to a nursery that was not the local one. Children already had ‘best friends’ and the Mum’s were also thick as thieves which meant the ‘best friends’ groups from nursery have continued into high school! For that reason alone, if that is the set up around you, it would be worth sending her to the local nursery / pre-school for a few sessions a week.