Best friend never invites my child.

[Jojojo32]

So my eldest longest friend who I have know since around 4 yrs of age, we have grown up together our children have grown up together my dd and her dd are in the same class at school and yet she has never once asked if my dd would like 2 sleep over with her dd or come round after school etc, something she does regularly with other kids, not thur the children not asking its a daily topic from my dd and hers.... Before anyone says why don't I offer 2 have her round/sleepover I live in a tiny 2 bed flat I share a room with my girls so not like they can go and play in their bedroom etc. I would love to if I had a bigger place where has friend dosent have this problem...
Just wanted some ideas on why she hasn't asked? Which she is clearly in her right, to not ask but it's not nice thinking she dosent like my dd or something. Like I've said we have been friends 4 years never fallen out or anything, 🤔.

You can’t be serious. You expect your daughter to be invited for sleepovers when you won’t even have her daughter over for an evening?

How old are the kids?
If this is a good friend of yours where do you normally socialize/meet up?

You could ask your friend's daughter over for tea, not a sleepover, or take her out with your daughter.

My guesses:

• she doesn’t want you to feel you have to reciprocate
• she’s worried that it will upset your daughter to see that her own daughter has a bigger room that she doesn’t have to share with her mum

Just get on and sort your own sleepover out with her!

Maybe your friend values her evenings without having hyper kids at night?

The op said she invites other children.

I think you need to bite the bullet and invite the other girl first. Plan something out of the house first so they burn off a bit of energy and then build a blanket fort in the front room for them to watch a movie in and sleep.

Why do you want her to invite your child for a sleepover?

A playdate maybe but a sleepover? Are you looking for a free babysitter? I'd be very reluctant for my kids to sleep at anyone else's house without me being there. I am finding it hard to fathom why this is important to you? Its odd.

I haven't reciprocated playdates because either my children haven't wanted me to invite certain kids over. One of my DC wants to invite a classmate but I think the child in question isn't a good friend to my DC and I don't want to encourage the friendship.

She wants her daughter to make lots of friends and not be glued to one?

Having a ‘BFF’ (and I loath that term) means more to the parents than the children. It closes off the chances of other friendships.

Your daughter need encouraging to make different friends and not stick to one friend.

Having a ‘BFF’ (and I loath that term) means more to the parents than the children. It closes off the chances of other friendships.

I can't say if it means more to other parents but I also despair when I hear my DC refer to a certain child as their BFF. I've done my best to encourage them to play with other children and at one point told DC they were not to play with the other child at all unless they were in a group. I'm very certain my DC told the other child this as I received a frosty reception at the school gates from the mother of the 'BFF'.
Its a very hard situation to be in and the last thing I want is for my kids to have 'BFFs'.

Have her daughter over for a playdate. Go to park/cafe/swimming/whatever after school, then park them in front of the telly with a pizza when you get back if there really isn’t space to play.

@Dancingonmoonlight

Why do you want her to invite your child for a sleepover?

A playdate maybe but a sleepover? Are you looking for a free babysitter? I'd be very reluctant for my kids to sleep at anyone else's house without me being there. I am finding it hard to fathom why this is important to you? Its odd.

I haven't reciprocated playdates because either my children haven't wanted me to invite certain kids over. One of my DC wants to invite a classmate but I think the child in question isn't a good friend to my DC and I don't want to encourage the friendship.

I Agree with you totally.

My daughter is 11 and just started secondary school so I’m dreading the sleep over invitations that I’m sure she will get.
The only sleep over my daughter has had is at her dance school friends house and their mum happens to be my best friend and I stayed as well.

As for a sleep over in a girls house that she hardly knows and of course I wouldn’t know the parents then it’s a NO.
I’m happy for her to stay late but then I would pick her up.

I would just ask her. If she’s your best friend, she won’t be offended and it’ll stop you wondering.

Although I really don’t get the need for kids to have a dedicated bedroom these days. I was brought up in a top floor tenement that had 2 bedrooms, no garden obviously. My mum basically brought up my sister and I plus my 2 cousins in that house. Every year I would have a birthday pyjama party where there were at least 10-15 loud girls staying in that very same 2 bedroom flat.

I don’t understand why you can’t have your friends daughter to stay over in reciprocation.

Haven't read the full thread. I wouldn't ask her tbh, I'd just accept it, but YANBU to feel a bit hurt. I can only think of two reasons. It could be because your dds are not necessarily close or she is arranging sleepovers with others who can reciprocate so she can have night off

have a* night off

Could you sleep on the sofa and so your DDs and friend sleep in the bedroom? My DD2 has had sleepovers in shared bedrooms and loves it. Alternatively, have friend over for tea, film and sleepover but put the girls in the living room on sofa cushions/drag in mattress from bedroom if needed. They won't need space for playing if they're watching a film and can then sleep in situ.

Next time the girls ask for a sleepover, be the one to reply that you'd been thinking about it and provided your friend is happy, you were wondering about DD's friend coming over at 6pm for tea, film and sleepover - would Saturday work for them?

@Dancingonmoonlight

Why do you want her to invite your child for a sleepover?

A playdate maybe but a sleepover? Are you looking for a free babysitter? I'd be very reluctant for my kids to sleep at anyone else's house without me being there. I am finding it hard to fathom why this is important to you? Its odd.

I haven't reciprocated playdates because either my children haven't wanted me to invite certain kids over. One of my DC wants to invite a classmate but I think the child in question isn't a good friend to my DC and I don't want to encourage the friendship.

OP has a son as well so the baby sitting angle is less likely.

Maybe your kids are different, but the reason I want sleepovers for my kids is because they love them. Really, really love them. I find them tiring and a pain in the ass whether I’m hosting or my kids are elsewhere. But I arrange them and want my kids to be asked because my kids think it’s the best thing ever.

Thinking some more on it , how old is your son? Are they close in age and play together,
Is it possible your friend might feel she has to invite him too which would change the dynamic a bit?

Maybe she invited the other kids because they invited her DD first and she felt like she had to reciprocate?
I have had this situation where one of my kids recently made friends through an activity and was invited to birthdays/play dates so I have reciprocated by having them over to mine , I haven’t had any the non activity friends over in a long time and I’m sure if their parents heard I’d had other kids over they’d probably think “well how come mine haven’t been invited ?”
The truth is , weekends are busy (for them
And me) there’s other siblings to factor in , jobs, tidying the house etc
When my child was invited somewhere else I had to get organized to return the favor but the other existing friendship group ticks along nicely , we meet in the park play after school do other activities that sort of thing so the play dates get put on the long finger

Maybe your kids are different, but the reason I want sleepovers for my kids is because they love them

They are a risk I’m not willing to take.

Maybe your friend finds your DD hard work (for whatever reason) or feels she isn’t a good influence on her daughters? Has your DD been invited before and something happened?

Or maybe friend only hosts sleepovers with those who reciprocate. I know it’s not your fault you have a small flat. But it’s a bit cheeky to think she should provide sleepovers for your DD (and all the expense and hassle involved) when you both know you can’t return the favour.

Is there no way you can invite her DD and let the girls have a sleepover in the lounge? Or take them for a day out?

@Jojojo32

Thanks for all your helpful replys, some have said why don't I just ask her. Im just not that upfront person, she dosent have 2 offer to invite my dd round which she clearly dosent want 2 🙈would just be nice, maybe I should stop overthinking about dds friends coming to ours and invite one of her friends over, For the person who asked my son is in their room.

so you are considering asking another one of your dd's friends over? but your house is too small to ask your best friends dd over? I don't understand?

Could be various reasons, either deep or not especially.

As a child I was the DD of your friend. Had not one single sleepover at my house, and even children coming to play or dropping in (there were even times where I was in a languages exchange situation where there was a point blank refusal to host, so my friend took 2 students) were enough to put my DM in bed, mentally overtaxed. DM's work was in the evenings so she would not have been available, and she was also extremely ashamed of the house. It was very untidy but perfectly liveable. I would have loved to have a sleepover, but it was never going to happen.

@Cadent

maybe I should stop overthinking about dds friends coming to ours and invite one of her friends over

So you’re not going to invite your friend’s child round even though they are ‘proper little besties’ but invite a different child instead? Just invite her.

I don't understand this either? how can the house be too small to invite the proper little bestie over but not to small to invite an alternative friend over? That just makes no sense whatsoever

I don't understand this either?
how can the house be too small to invite the proper little bestie over but not to small to invite an alternative friend over? That just makes no sense whatsoever

I agree!

Are you ever coming back @Jojojo32 to explain any of this?!