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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Best friend never invites my child.

99 replies

Jojojo32 · 21/09/2021 20:03

So my eldest longest friend who I have know since around 4 yrs of age, we have grown up together our children have grown up together my dd and her dd are in the same class at school and yet she has never once asked if my dd would like 2 sleep over with her dd or come round after school etc, something she does regularly with other kids, not thur the children not asking its a daily topic from my dd and hers.... Before anyone says why don't I offer 2 have her round/sleepover I live in a tiny 2 bed flat I share a room with my girls so not like they can go and play in their bedroom etc. I would love to if I had a bigger place where has friend dosent have this problem...
Just wanted some ideas on why she hasn't asked? Which she is clearly in her right, to not ask but it's not nice thinking she dosent like my dd or something. Like I've said we have been friends 4 years never fallen out or anything, 🤔.

OP posts:

TheGrumpyGoat · 21/09/2021 21:33

Also, do you and your daughter see a lot of them outside of school anyway? Another reason my DD tends to invite other friends for play dates after school rather than my friend’s daughter is because we already see a lot of them by virtue of us mums being friends.

HopeYourHighHorseBucks · 21/09/2021 21:34

Because she doesnt want to Or
Because she doesnt want to start something, knowing her DD will ask constantly.
Because your child is a handful.
Because when they are together they are too much, keep each other awake, wont settle.
Because you dont offer her DD to stay.
Because she cant be arsed?

silverbubbles · 21/09/2021 21:34

Have you taken her daughter out after school /at the weekend for a walk, to the park/ picnic /anything at all?

If not then YABU.

Start making an effort yourself and then favours will be returned.

NumberTheory · 21/09/2021 21:35

Since she asks other kids round I would assume there was something I wasn’t really seeing about the way the kids interact that has her reluctant to deepen the connection. My kids have had “best” friends at school whom they seemed to adore but who, in my opinion, were not actually that nice to them or that good for their self-esteem and I’ve put the breaks on the friendships by not asking them round etc. and trying to encourage other friendships. I would suspect this is what is happening but you’ll only really know for sure if you get up the courage to speak to your friend about it in a non-acusatory way and she has the courage to be candid with you.

QueenoftheKarens · 21/09/2021 21:36

If your really such good friends why can't you just ask her?

NicLondon1 · 21/09/2021 21:44

I agree - I bet they would love a cosy sleepover in your living room! I'm sure she will return the invite too.

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 21/09/2021 21:45

If you have been friends since the age of 4 why cant you just ask her why. I cant imagine having a life long friend I can not ask something like this.

mswales · 21/09/2021 21:48

Very strange that if you've been friends for so long you can't just say "hey do you think it would be fun for the girls to start doing sleepovers, shall we try it?" Just ask her if she wants to have your daughter over or have you host hers sometime!!!

Hi246 · 21/09/2021 21:50

Invite her round for a walk to the park and home for tea, doesn't matter that your place is small.
You could do each other favours, parenthood is much easier where you can lend a hand to one another. You're friends and so are your girls, which is perfect.
I don't think it's fair to be expecting invites where you wouldn't give them. It doesn't matter the size of your place, your little girls friend will love seeing her bedroom, her toys, what her mummy gives for tea. But stretch your legs at the park or something first if you're worried.
Meant gently, maybe your friend has an idea of your expectation and feels it should work both ways. Are you never going to have a playdate for your child with anyone?

LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 21/09/2021 21:51

She either - dislikes your child.

-Doesn't want to end up hosting all the time without it being reciprocated.

-Doesn't want to get into the sleepover thing because if your kids fall out it will be really awkward.

-Sees you as a friend, but doesn't want to push the girls into a friendship situation.

I really can't blame her if you socialise a lot and the kids are always asking, she might end up with a weekly sleepover. Much easier not to start it in the first place.

Cocopogo · 21/09/2021 22:04

Maybe she’s only had other kids round to reciprocate. I wouldn’t feel inclined to ask someone who couldn’t/wouldn’t reciprocate. The only reason I would have DDs friend to sleepover is in the hope they would offer in return and I could have a night off tbh

Dora33 · 21/09/2021 22:11

I used to walk home from school after collecting my dd1 & dd2 with another mum & her daughter whom dd1 was friends with. Both girls used to always ask to come back to mine, with the other mum standing there looking at me never suggesting her place instead.
Even when we would walk home bringing another of dd1's friends with us, her daughter would also ask to come to our house to play with both girls. I said yes the 1st couple of times but it became an expectation
After many times of the friend coming back to mine, I asked if they could go to the friend's place instead. The mum just said no, that she didn't do play dates at her house and gave a few different reasons. None of them washed with me and I stopped having her daughter at ours.
.
My dd1 loved going to her friends homes and wouldn't have cared what size the rooms were.
Maybe just ask your dds friend over for a short visit first. It doesn't have to be a sleepover.
If you have been friends a long time, did you spend more times at your friends home rather than your's when the girls were younger.

Tailendofsummer · 21/09/2021 22:16

Well you start with a playdate, not a sleepover! You can easily have her dd round, you just don't want to. They could come to yours and go to the park if it's nice, watch a movie if it isn't - space doesn't have to be a big deal (I'm assuming they are primary age)
Your reluctance to ask first is very strange.

Sally872 · 21/09/2021 22:17

Maybe your friend doesn't enjoy other kids sleeping over and the ones that have happened are because she has felt obligated to reciprocate.

I don't like having other children stay, extra stress at bedtime just isn't for me. Will do it but special treat only.

When I see my friends children the main purpose is to catch up with friend. I don't see their children without them. Playdates from school main purpose is for dd to socialise.

SunbathingDragon · 21/09/2021 22:23

Surely the point of a sleepover is to spread out over the sitting room floor.

I think you need to offer first but I agree with all the many PP.

Wineandroses3 · 21/09/2021 22:29

@Lasttimeneveragain

Perhaps it is because she knows you're not in a position to reciprocate. She might not want you to feel obliged to take her child. She might be waiting for you to offer first.

Or she might only do favours to those who can do them in return.

This is exactly what I thought too

TwinsandTrifle · 21/09/2021 22:35

She has plenty of her DDs friends round, but specifically not yours.

Two reasons.

She is returning the favour for girls that her DDs have stayed at their houses, out of obligation rather than choice. You've never done the favour for her to return it.
She doesn't want to look after your DD because of her behaviour.

I think it's the latter, because this also ties in with her not wanting to ruin her friendship with you, by the sleepovers potentially becoming more frequent and having to eventually say something about your DDs behaviour.

Just think, if someone had ten colleagues, and over the course of 9 days, went for lunch with each of the first 9...then on day 10, was perfectly cordial, but didn't ask you, and went and ate on their own, what conclusion would you draw about how keen this person was on you.

Holskey · 21/09/2021 22:37

I wouldn't be upset by this. Potential reasons:
She sees you/your dd often enough
You don't invite her child so that's just how your relationship is
Doesn't want to get into a childminding situation with you, especially as your unlikely to reciprocate

She probably has no idea you're upset by this. Why is it important to you? Seems a non-issue

SergeantCatFlap · 21/09/2021 22:39

I think you should assume she doesn't like you or your child - and you should stew on this, and bury it deep down until you resent her and your friendship is ruined.

Or you know - just invite the other kid over and kick things off.

Saoirse82 · 21/09/2021 22:43

I'm assuming it's because you don't have her child either. Surely she could stay one night and the girls could sleep top to tails and you could sleep in the lounge? You could take them swimming or to the park etc. If your fairly close with the child anyway then the space wouldn't really be an issue.

Saoirse82 · 21/09/2021 22:43

*you're

TheYearOfSmallThings · 21/09/2021 22:47

Maybe she thinks you don't do sleepovers? Or she knows you can't reciprocate, and doesn't want to put you in that position? Or they see you all the time anyway? It's probably nothing bad.

At worst she may be afraid of becoming the default host. I have done this with one friend of DS, because his DM can't host for genuine reasons. I don't mind at all, but we're talking daytime playdates. If it was sleepovers I would not be enthusiastic.

HotSauceCommittee · 21/09/2021 22:48

What I am getting here, OP, is that you want some child free time but that you have no intention of returning the favour.
I used to have my kids friends over lots when they were little, didn't keep count over return visits or anything, but the ones who just wanted to off load their kid with no intention of returning the invitation became obvious quickly.
I got tired of it. I can no longer be arsed, which is fine, because mine are older now, but watch it. Little ones are more labour intensive and if you really want your child to sleep over, do the decent thing and invite her friend to yours.
Maybe your friend is just tired, busy and can't be arsed and it's about this rather than you. Be careful not to damage a friendship over this. I find your expectations quite one-sided.

DancyNancy · 21/09/2021 22:50

Kids love a sleep over in the living room!! So exciting. My friend lived in a 1 bed flat with her mom I slept over loads of times and I'd sleep in her bed and she'd sleep in with her mom (all in same room). Never thought anything of it at all. They had one small living room and a kitchen that was built on the back that so cold you'd never spend time in it other than to grab what you needed and run back out!! So very small space too but we always just enjoyed it.
Pizza and a movie and some board games take v little space.

Cadent · 21/09/2021 22:51

maybe I should stop overthinking about dds friends coming to ours and invite one of her friends over

So you’re not going to invite your friend’s child round even though they are ‘proper little besties’ but invite a different child instead? Just invite her.

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