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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu scared to tell dh I'm pregnant

61 replies

Beebopalooola · 21/09/2021 11:46

Hi

I could come up with a million excuses as to why this happened but its pointless and basically we were just stupid and careless.

I came off contraception 2 months ago due to side affects. DH refuses to get a vasectomy. I'm fed up of taking hormones and have taken charge of our contraception for years and years. We were having very little sex and when we were we used condoms apart from this one time.

I think dh has forgotten about it and ignored its a possibility despite knowing we conceived our 2 children on first try.

I should have taken the map but didn't.

When we decided to stick at 2 children dh described having a third as hell. We have a child with autism and all the shit that brings and a 3 year old terror on top. No sleep and its relentless.

I feel guilty on my existing children about this as i need my time to be with them and we only live in a 3 bed home. We are comfortable financially but by no means rich. We could do without another maternity and nursery fees.

DH is a decent bloke. Normally supportive and level headed. We share childcare and house hold stuff 50/50 and he always steps up.
However I know he will want me to terminate. He finds parenting our children hard, as do I. Especially with the additional needs as a factor. However, I had a termination with a previous relationship which was abusive. He wanted me to keep the baby and forced me into pregnancy. I was very young, it was scary and I had to hide from him. It was an awful time. I dont want to put my body and soul through another termination.

I took a test and my heart sank. I know I could love another child but the practicalities make it difficult. I know DH will be gutted and I'm scared he will blame me and it will ruin our marriage. We are Normally good together.

So hard. Advise and experience welcome.

OP posts:
LifesNotEnidBlyton · 21/09/2021 12:32

He knew you weren't on contraception. He knew his dick didn't have a condom on it. He knew by having sex with you he could make a child. He knows you're ok with that so if he isn't he needed to do something to stop it happening. But he still didn't use any of the choices he could have used to stop pregnacy, or make it less likely.

His choices if he didn't want another child were condom (and know it's not 100 %), vasectomy (again he'd need to know it's not 100 %), or abstinence, at least from some sexual acts.

His choices did not include making you take hormones, or have a medical procedure done on your body, to stop pregnancy or make it less likely, or to impregnate you anyway and then blame you and tell you to abort a baby you want.

So if he wants to blame you for his choices then he's not too intelligent is he? Yes, it wasn't a good idea to have unprotected sex with him when you knew he didn't want another child. But that was up to you to do, and as long as you didn't lie to him you've not actually done wrong, because even if it was a bad idea it's your life. All your responsibility was was to tell him whether you were on contraception before. You don't have a responsibility to assume he isn't intelligent enough to know that if you get pregnant it was a joint agreement to have unprotected sex with eachother and so if he is the one who doesn't want a baby he needs to stop that from happening.

You are just going to need to tell him. You can't make him be an adult about it.

All you can really do is tell him no, you won't be aborting. Then if he gets angry or tries to blame you tell him that if he isn't going to take contraception seriously, like you've had to do for years, that babies will be made. Tell him that you took contraception for years and didn't ever have an unplanned pregnancy (with him....), and that you're disappointed that as soon as you asked him to take a turn at being responsible for contraception you're pregnant within weeks. That obviously you know you shouldn't have agreed to it the time you knew he wasn't wearing a condom but you know that and are being an adult and facing your responsibility, and you're disappointed he isn't doing the same.

Then ignore him any time he tries to blame you, just for a bit until he gets used to it, and if after a bit of time he still seems to think that way then unfortunately you have a bigger problem.

This is obviously assuming he does do what you think he will, because if he doesn't you dont need to say that and you can talk like adults about why you won't be having a termination. But it is worrying that you think he will try and make you have one.

Woodmarsh · 21/09/2021 12:42

You don't sound like you want another baby though OP. Is abortion a no for you full stopoeus it what happened last time that's making you feel that way? Maybe a counselling session whilst you're still early days could help?

Pompom2367 · 21/09/2021 12:45

Op keeping it from him will make it a bigger issue

Dishwashersaurous · 21/09/2021 12:48

So you both had sex without contraception. Knowing that you are both very fertile.

You need to tell him. Tonight. Calmly. The fact. This has happened.

Then you both need time to think about it and process what you want to do

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/09/2021 12:53

You’ll have to tell him.

This is as much his responsibility as yours. Why on Earth did he refuse a vasectomy if he new he was dead set against more kids, but didn’t make sure to wear a condom?

If it’s that he didn’t want to go through an operation, then he’s in no position to ask yoh to.

Yummymummy2020 · 21/09/2021 12:59

I agree with the other posters this isn’t all on you by any stretch. It was just as much up to him. He can have his own feelings on it but by having unprotected sex he knew it was a possible outcome. It’s something you need to get used to the idea of before any big decisions but if your main concern is will you manage I’m sure you will if it’s want you want. If you decide it’s not what you want, that’s fair enough too. Your dp needs to be supportive whatever the outcome though! I’m sure you got a shock and fright though which is crap for you! When you tell him it might put things in perspective for you about what you want to do!

CurlyWurly321 · 21/09/2021 13:07

I've been there.

For identical reasons, cancelled vasectomy, me off the pill (hormones), 2 kids, one with ADHD.
DH did NOT want a third child.

There was no way I was going to terminate.

We had the baby, he's 2 now and brings so much joy to us all.

When times are tough with the older kids, having the little one helps.
We all equally adore him, find him funny and loving.
When things go to shit, it's amazing to have a funny, smiling bundle of energy around to make us smile.
The newborn stage was tough, that really was but I feel so so lucky to have him.

Suzi888 · 21/09/2021 13:11

“He knew you weren't on contraception. He knew his dick didn't have a condom on it. He knew by having sex with you he could make a child. He knows you're ok with that so if he isn't he needed to do something to stop it happening. But he still didn't use any of the choices he could have used to stop pregnacy, or make it less likely. “

They both knew. Both carried on, didn’t take morning after pill and now OP is pregnant. You don’t sound like you want another child either OP….

You have to tell him soon, take a few days if need be to process the news yourself and decide if you can do this alone (if that’s what it comes down to).
Good luck Flowers

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/09/2021 13:18

Just tell him. And if he tries it blame you remind him he could have used a condom and didn’t.

I agree with others that you don’t sound like you want another child. Having one when you don’t have space or time so you don’t have to terminate isn’t looking at the whole picture. You already have two children who need you. Would you cope if this one also had additional needs?

Tell him, talk to him, listen to each other.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 21/09/2021 13:19

@Suzi888

“He knew you weren't on contraception. He knew his dick didn't have a condom on it. He knew by having sex with you he could make a child. He knows you're ok with that so if he isn't he needed to do something to stop it happening. But he still didn't use any of the choices he could have used to stop pregnacy, or make it less likely. “

They both knew. Both carried on, didn’t take morning after pill and now OP is pregnant. You don’t sound like you want another child either OP….

You have to tell him soon, take a few days if need be to process the news yourself and decide if you can do this alone (if that’s what it comes down to).
Good luck Flowers

Yes, only quote some of my comment to then say yourself what I actually put in the bit of my comment you didn't put. Hmm Hmm

Even when an OP actually says she doesn't want to terminate people still try and ease her into it.... pro choice.... when it's the choice commenters think she should make.

Suzi888 · 21/09/2021 13:25

@LifesNotEnidBlyton I’m not trying to ease OP into anything. Confused

Tal45 · 21/09/2021 13:26

She also said she didn't want another child.

Unfortunately OP it doesn't sound like you want either of the options. I would really recommend some counselling to help you figure out what you are going to do. Don't hesitate from speaking to your DH though, why should you worry alone? It's as much due to him. If he really didn't want any more children he should have had a vasectomy.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 21/09/2021 13:29

[quote Suzi888]@LifesNotEnidBlyton I’m not trying to ease OP into anything. Confused[/quote]
The gap between my sister and second sentence is becuase it's unrelated. You didnt even leave a gap between the bit of your comment that answered mine and the bit that didn't and I could still tell what was answering my comment and what was just to everyone.

PinkTonic · 21/09/2021 13:31

Even when an OP actually says she doesn't want to terminate people still try and ease her into it.... pro choice.... when it's the choice commenters think she should make.

On these threads there are invariably far more posters trying to jolly the woman into having the child in dire circumstances, even encouragement to break up the hitherto happy family of her existing children. And she hasn’t said she wants a baby, she said she had a previous termination in very different and traumatic circumstances.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 21/09/2021 13:33

Where does OP say she doesn't want another child? She says about what she's worrying about with having another but not "I dont want another child", wearas she does say she doesn't want a termination.

meloonhead · 21/09/2021 13:36

know I could love another child but the practicalities make it difficult.

From the OP. doesn't sound like she wants an abortion, the whole OP is her explaining her living situation and why she's worried things won't work...

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 21/09/2021 13:39

@PinkTonic

Even when an OP actually says she doesn't want to terminate people still try and ease her into it.... pro choice.... when it's the choice commenters think she should make.

On these threads there are invariably far more posters trying to jolly the woman into having the child in dire circumstances, even encouragement to break up the hitherto happy family of her existing children. And she hasn’t said she wants a baby, she said she had a previous termination in very different and traumatic circumstances.

That isn't what I have seen. There are usually more posters trying to ease a woman into a termination when she's said she doesn't want one. Some threads even have women who haven't even asked about termination but have just said they're pregnant and not with the father and people will come along and talk about termination. When a woman starts a thread and says she wants a termination or is having one we wouldn't tell her not or that we wouldn't if it was us, so I don't agree with people doing the same but swapped, and until the OP comes back and says "Yes I am thinking about having one" all we have is someone who is worrying about having the baby but hasn't said she doesn't want it but has said she doesn't want to terminate.
Suzi888 · 21/09/2021 13:41

@LifesNotEnidBlyton

Where does OP say she doesn't want another child? She says about what she's worrying about with having another but not "I dont want another child", wearas she does say she doesn't want a termination.
@LifesNotEnidBlyton I’m not hijacking a thread and having an argument with you.

I’m not the only one who gets the impression OP doesn’t want a child OR a termination. Read the other responses for god sake.

I won’t be coming back to the thread Enid. This is an online forum, I’m allowed an opinion even if YOU don’t agree with it. Im certainly not going back and forth, which is what you seem to want.

Argue with someone else.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/09/2021 13:42

Personally I probably wouldn’t have another child but a termination, a load of counselling and tell my husband to hve a vasectomy at the same time I was terminating

Dozer · 21/09/2021 13:47

DH would be U to blame you. Equal responsibility.

In deciding what to do, would consider scenarios of DC3 with additional needs, and/or relationship breakdown. The latter is a high risk for all couples, but even more so for couples with DC with additional needs - it’s almost always the mums doing the lion’s share of single parenting.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 21/09/2021 13:49

Unless he wasn't there during the conception he'd be an absolute arsehole to blame you for something you both chose to do.

QueenoftheKarens · 21/09/2021 13:49

Personally I wouldn't have another child in that situation and get therapy.
However you both knew you weren't on anything and didn't take the MAP - so this is something you need to tell your DH and deal with together.
Good luck whatever you decide. Thanks

Dozer · 21/09/2021 13:50

On your thoughts and feelings about your previous termination, think those need to be weighed as one consideration along with many other factors.

Your ‘body and soul’ will be affected in different ways whatever you decide: termination, or continuing with the pregnancy, giving birth, and parenting three DC.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 21/09/2021 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 21/09/2021 13:55

^^ twice