Aibu scared to tell dh I'm pregnant

[Beebopalooola]

Hi

I could come up with a million excuses as to why this happened but its pointless and basically we were just stupid and careless.

I came off contraception 2 months ago due to side affects. DH refuses to get a vasectomy. I'm fed up of taking hormones and have taken charge of our contraception for years and years. We were having very little sex and when we were we used condoms apart from this one time.

I think dh has forgotten about it and ignored its a possibility despite knowing we conceived our 2 children on first try.

I should have taken the map but didn't.

When we decided to stick at 2 children dh described having a third as hell. We have a child with autism and all the shit that brings and a 3 year old terror on top. No sleep and its relentless.

I feel guilty on my existing children about this as i need my time to be with them and we only live in a 3 bed home. We are comfortable financially but by no means rich. We could do without another maternity and nursery fees.

DH is a decent bloke. Normally supportive and level headed. We share childcare and house hold stuff 50/50 and he always steps up.
However I know he will want me to terminate. He finds parenting our children hard, as do I. Especially with the additional needs as a factor. However, I had a termination with a previous relationship which was abusive. He wanted me to keep the baby and forced me into pregnancy. I was very young, it was scary and I had to hide from him. It was an awful time. I dont want to put my body and soul through another termination.

I took a test and my heart sank. I know I could love another child but the practicalities make it difficult. I know DH will be gutted and I'm scared he will blame me and it will ruin our marriage. We are Normally good together.

So hard. Advise and experience welcome.

OP, obviously you'll tell him, but what if you hadn't found out now at this early stage? What if you 'found out' at 3 or 4 months in? Then it would be unlikely that he'd push you towards an abortion which it sounds like your worst option. It sounds like your least bad option, is continuing with the pregnancy, but with a supportive husband. Having been there myself, I do wish I hadn't 'found out' until it would have been too late to make the case for abortion.

OP, I think it's important to separate your wants and your needs here, and take your husband out of the equation.

What do you want?

Do you want this baby?

What do you need in order to have this baby, in terms of support, finances, time etc?

If you don't want this baby, you can have a termination by medication if under 9 weeks. It doesn't need to be medical or intrusive.

If you do want to termination what support do you need? How do you need your husband to support you?

When you've made these choices, then I would communicate clearly and without too much emotion what you want and what you need to your husband about this pregnancy.

What I wouldn't do is tell him while emotions are high, and I wouldnt let his emotions influence my choices.

Remember, he's entitled to an opinion. But you get the final decision. And a supportive husband would respect that.

‘He will blame me’
how? Does he not know how pregnancy happens?

‘You got me pregnant.’

@Mythreeknights

OP, obviously you'll tell him, but what if you hadn't found out now at this early stage? What if you 'found out' at 3 or 4 months in? Then it would be unlikely that he'd push you towards an abortion which it sounds like your worst option. It sounds like your least bad option, is continuing with the pregnancy, but with a supportive husband. Having been there myself, I do wish I hadn't 'found out' until it would have been too late to make the case for abortion.

Sorry, are you actually suggesting OP conceal her pregnancy and hedge her bets that her husband will come around to the idea if she’s further along? What a stupid suggestion.

OP, you haven’t even told him you’re pregnant yet. All the ‘I don’t want a third child’ stuff from him in the past has been hypothetical. You’re pregnant now, discuss it with him and make a decision together based on what is actually happening right now. Good luck

I think that when you do tell him, you should do so and then go straight out for a walk (with the kids if they are still up).
Make it clear you are giving him some time to gather his own thoughts before you have a proper discussion. You've had the time to have the niggle of 'could I be' and then to do a test. It will be very much a bolt from the blue for him.
You don't want to say things to each other that can't ever be unsaid in those first moments of panic.
Whatever you decide, you will make it work

@Couchbettato

OP, I think it's important to separate your wants and your needs here, and take your husband out of the equation.

What do you want?

Do you want this baby?

What do you need in order to have this baby, in terms of support, finances, time etc?

If you don't want this baby, you can have a termination by medication if under 9 weeks. It doesn't need to be medical or intrusive.

If you do want to termination what support do you need? How do you need your husband to support you?

When you've made these choices, then I would communicate clearly and without too much emotion what you want and what you need to your husband about this pregnancy.

What I wouldn't do is tell him while emotions are high, and I wouldnt let his emotions influence my choices.

Remember, he's entitled to an opinion. But you get the final decision. And a supportive husband would respect that.

Please consider your language. Unless you are a Texas state legislator there is no “this baby”. Termination is ending a pregnancy.

You’ve described your DH as a decent bloke so just tell him.

@LemonTT are you going to pull up all the people saying This Child or The Baby or just me?

Don't be a pedant. It's not helpful and takes away from what's actually been said which is very helpful advice.

Absolutely, tell him.

However, you do have choices here. You do not have to rule out some of those options because of bad things that happened to you in the past. That means that you allowing the abuse of those days to continue.

This does not sound like the right time for you to being another child into the world.

Make you choice and go with it. No one has any right to force you to do anything.

Thank you for all the replies.

Its really hard. I have bern at work but can't concentrate.

I'm not even sure what I want to be honest. My heart wants one thing but my head is telling me another. I do want to continue the pregnancy but practically it will be a nightmare as my eldest needs her own room which is the bigger one and we have just moved here and youngest is in the smaller room. We have renovated and the house was top of our budget in this area. I'd hate to uproot everyone again. Especially my eldest who is having a hard time right now. I feel like my younger child already misses out as eldest is very needy. I feel so cross and ashamed of myself. Totally irresponsible.

I will tell dh but I need a few days to process this news myself.
I am worried about his reaction. Not violence or anything but I know he will be upset. He worries about finances etc and has been so stressed lately.

@PinkTonic

Even when an OP actually says she doesn't want to terminate people still try and ease her into it.... pro choice.... when it's the choice commenters think she should make.

On these threads there are invariably far more posters trying to jolly the woman into having the child in dire circumstances, even encouragement to break up the hitherto happy family of her existing children. And she hasn’t said she wants a baby, she said she had a previous termination in very different and traumatic circumstances.

I find its the opposite actually

If you want the baby, keep it.
If your husband really didn't want another child he could have stopped this happening by going for the vasectomy, but he didn't. He knew you were no longer taking the pill, but still chose to have unprotected sex with you. He has no reason to be upset by you being pregnant when he has done absolutely nothing to stop his sperm from fertilising your eggs.

If you want the baby, keep it.
If your husband really didn't want another child he could have stopped this happening by going for the vasectomy, but he didn't. He knew you were no longer taking the pill, but still chose to have unprotected sex with you. He has no reason to be upset by you being pregnant when he has done absolutely nothing to stop his sperm from fertilising your eggs

Absolutely this!! I agree with every single word

[quote Couchbettato]@LemonTT are you going to pull up all the people saying This Child or The Baby or just me?

Don't be a pedant. It's not helpful and takes away from what's actually been said which is very helpful advice.[/quote]
I’m not being pedantic. Your language will upset people.

Sending you support and best wishes OP 🌸

You didn't get yourself pregnant. Just tell him

@LifesNotEnidBlyton

He knew you weren't on contraception. He knew his dick didn't have a condom on it. He knew by having sex with you he could make a child. He knows you're ok with that so if he isn't he needed to do something to stop it happening. But he still didn't use any of the choices he could have used to stop pregnacy, or make it less likely.

His choices if he didn't want another child were condom (and know it's not 100 %), vasectomy (again he'd need to know it's not 100 %), or abstinence, at least from some sexual acts.

His choices did not include making you take hormones, or have a medical procedure done on your body, to stop pregnancy or make it less likely, or to impregnate you anyway and then blame you and tell you to abort a baby you want.

So if he wants to blame you for his choices then he's not too intelligent is he? Yes, it wasn't a good idea to have unprotected sex with him when you knew he didn't want another child. But that was up to you to do, and as long as you didn't lie to him you've not actually done wrong, because even if it was a bad idea it's your life. All your responsibility was was to tell him whether you were on contraception before. You don't have a responsibility to assume he isn't intelligent enough to know that if you get pregnant it was a joint agreement to have unprotected sex with eachother and so if he is the one who doesn't want a baby he needs to stop that from happening.

You are just going to need to tell him. You can't make him be an adult about it.

All you can really do is tell him no, you won't be aborting. Then if he gets angry or tries to blame you tell him that if he isn't going to take contraception seriously, like you've had to do for years, that babies will be made. Tell him that you took contraception for years and didn't ever have an unplanned pregnancy (with him....), and that you're disappointed that as soon as you asked him to take a turn at being responsible for contraception you're pregnant within weeks. That obviously you know you shouldn't have agreed to it the time you knew he wasn't wearing a condom but you know that and are being an adult and facing your responsibility, and you're disappointed he isn't doing the same.

Then ignore him any time he tries to blame you, just for a bit until he gets used to it, and if after a bit of time he still seems to think that way then unfortunately you have a bigger problem.

This is obviously assuming he does do what you think he will, because if he doesn't you dont need to say that and you can talk like adults about why you won't be having a termination. But it is worrying that you think he will try and make you have one.

This is the BEST!

We had an unplanned third.

I wasn’t looking forward to telling my husband. He didn’t take it brilliantly and had to leave the house to clear his head. Came back reminding me that an abortion was possible. When I said I couldn’t do that, he supported my decision, took responsibility for the pregnancy (it takes two!) and got his head round it.

Nearly 20 years later, we both love our son with all our hearts. Can’t imagine life without him etc. Take your partner through your thoughts. Let him manage his emotions.

I think the best thing to come out of this situation is that you both have an open and Frank discussion about contraception.

It is not just your problem. It is both of your problems. After having DC and refusing to go back onto hormonal contraception again after it being my problem for 15 uesrs, I gave him the choice of a vasectomy or never having PIV intercourse. I never want kids again and the NHS won't sterilise me. So it's his problem now TBH.

''I came off contraception 2 months ago due to side effects''

Christ, were the side effects worse than the situation you now find yourself in???

@Demelza82 thanks so much for you helpful comment.

Talk about kicking a person when they are down. You sound a lovely caring individual.

@Demelza82

''I came off contraception 2 months ago due to side effects''

Christ, were the side effects worse than the situation you now find yourself in???

That was bloody vicious. What a nasty judgemental thing to say..

All you can do is tell him @Beebopalooola and work out between you what you’ll do. It took two of you to create this pregnancy. It should take two of you to decide the way forward.

@Couchbettato

OP, I think it's important to separate your wants and your needs here, and take your husband out of the equation.

What do you want?

Do you want this baby?

What do you need in order to have this baby, in terms of support, finances, time etc?

If you don't want this baby, you can have a termination by medication if under 9 weeks. It doesn't need to be medical or intrusive.

If you do want to termination what support do you need? How do you need your husband to support you?

When you've made these choices, then I would communicate clearly and without too much emotion what you want and what you need to your husband about this pregnancy.

What I wouldn't do is tell him while emotions are high, and I wouldnt let his emotions influence my choices.

Remember, he's entitled to an opinion. But you get the final decision. And a supportive husband would respect that.

This - language choices aside, this is where you start.

Do you want to continue this pregnancy? Your OP doesn't sound like you do, but it doesn't sound like you feel you have options, either.

Leave DH out of it for a moment. Where's your head at?

So hard OP. You sound like you have a lot on your plate.

You need to talk to your DH.

Talk to him. You say he's a decent bloke normally. Talk through the practicalities and the emotions together. Work out what's right for your family. I know it's hard but you're married - you should be a team.

At the very least, this should encourage him to get the snip!