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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu scared to tell dh I'm pregnant

61 replies

Beebopalooola · 21/09/2021 11:46

I could come up with a million excuses as to why this happened but its pointless and basically we were just stupid and careless.

I came off contraception 2 months ago due to side affects. DH refuses to get a vasectomy. I'm fed up of taking hormones and have taken charge of our contraception for years and years. We were having very little sex and when we were we used condoms apart from this one time.

I think dh has forgotten about it and ignored its a possibility despite knowing we conceived our 2 children on first try.

I should have taken the map but didn't.

When we decided to stick at 2 children dh described having a third as hell. We have a child with autism and all the shit that brings and a 3 year old terror on top. No sleep and its relentless.

I feel guilty on my existing children about this as i need my time to be with them and we only live in a 3 bed home. We are comfortable financially but by no means rich. We could do without another maternity and nursery fees.

DH is a decent bloke. Normally supportive and level headed. We share childcare and house hold stuff 50/50 and he always steps up.
However I know he will want me to terminate. He finds parenting our children hard, as do I. Especially with the additional needs as a factor. However, I had a termination with a previous relationship which was abusive. He wanted me to keep the baby and forced me into pregnancy. I was very young, it was scary and I had to hide from him. It was an awful time. I dont want to put my body and soul through another termination.

I took a test and my heart sank. I know I could love another child but the practicalities make it difficult. I know DH will be gutted and I'm scared he will blame me and it will ruin our marriage. We are Normally good together.

So hard. Advise and experience welcome.

OP posts:

cookingisoverrated · 21/09/2021 16:26

DH is a decent bloke. Normally supportive and level headed. We share childcare and house hold stuff 50/50 and he always steps up.

Decent blokes don't dump all contraceptive responsibility on their partners and then blame them for getting pregnant and/or demand they abort the baby.

Let's hope he's truly decent and apologises for helping put you both in this position and now books himself a vasectomy. There really is no other option going forward for you, is there, OP. Otherwise, tell him there will be no more sex if he can't do his part.

AMALT · 21/09/2021 16:33

Do you want another child? Was there a reason you didn’t get emergency contraception?

AMALT · 21/09/2021 16:33

I realise that sounds like I’m saying it’s your fault sorry I wasn’t. I mean do you think subconsciously you hoped you’d become pregnant?

Blossomtoes · 21/09/2021 16:35

To be fair, he hasn’t blamed her or demanded she has a termination @cookingisoverrated. He doesn’t even know she’s pregnant yet.

Original poster

Beebopalooola · 21/09/2021 16:37

I think so @AMALT. That and also at the time I was dealing with a lot with my eldest and work etc and I just felt a bit overwhelmed and put it to the back of my mind. Ridiculous and stupid I know.

OP posts:

AMALT · 21/09/2021 16:39

@Beebopalooola

I think so *@AMALT*. That and also at the time I was dealing with a lot with my eldest and work etc and I just felt a bit overwhelmed and put it to the back of my mind. Ridiculous and stupid I know.

well that’s that then. If you want another child, continue the pregnancy. your husband knew the consequences when he had unprotected sex. Hopefully he will step up

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 21/09/2021 16:40

Sometimes in life we need to make hard headed decisions. Having another baby would be objectively hard for your whole family. You have a DC with additional needs. You don't have enough space. Your relationship would be under strain.
Yes you could love another baby but many people could love more children but choose not to have them because they make head led choices not heart led ones.
If you really want to follow your heart do so but do in the eyes open knowledge of how it will make your lives harder.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 21/09/2021 16:55

@Beebopalooola

I think so *@AMALT*. That and also at the time I was dealing with a lot with my eldest and work etc and I just felt a bit overwhelmed and put it to the back of my mind. Ridiculous and stupid I know.

Oh. The second part of this was really clear in your OP - that you were busy and distracted - the first part wasn't, really.

So all you're really asking is how to tell DH?

If he's usually a good man, I'd try and be fair with him. Tell him and give him some space to absorb it and get over the initial emotions - you've had that time, and he'll likely need it too.

Then when that's done, you can chat to him about practical arrangements for the new baby. Maybe a shorter maternity leave, if that's one of your big worries? Or whatever would help.

Congratulations x

londonrach · 21/09/2021 17:41

Op..take some time to think then discuss it with DH. He might surprise you. Have you anyone in real life you can talk to. X

Croprotationinthe14thcentury · 22/09/2021 12:59

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

Sometimes in life we need to make hard headed decisions. Having another baby would be objectively hard for your whole family. You have a DC with additional needs. You don't have enough space. Your relationship would be under strain. Yes you could love another baby but many people could love more children but choose not to have them because they make head led choices not heart led ones. If you really want to follow your heart do so but do in the eyes open knowledge of how it will make your lives harder.

I agree with this I'm afraid. I think you have to take into account your whole family needs and it seems that the best thing for everyone would be to not have this baby. I'm sorry, I know it's shitty and would be upsetting but maybe for the best overall. Good luck op

Year2Parent · 22/09/2021 15:14

@Beebopalooola

I think so *@AMALT*. That and also at the time I was dealing with a lot with my eldest and work etc and I just felt a bit overwhelmed and put it to the back of my mind. Ridiculous and stupid I know.

Are you ok? I had to have a termination a few years ago for medical reasons. It was horrendous emotionally because I desperately wanted the baby. However, physically as I was only 9 weeks along, it wasn't a huge ordeal. Just 2 pills one orally, one....elsewhere. No pain.

I'm absolutely NOT trying to encourage abortion, simply giving my experience. (Obviously I have no clue whether you're early enough for that sort of procedure anyway)

Whatever you decide, make sure YOU'RE sure

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