my daughter is the unpopular kid in class

[sunnydaysarenotenough]

I'm really struggling with the situation my daughter finds herself in and would appreciate some practical advice on what to do next.
Background - we are British but live in Europe and our kids were born here. They've been in the local school since nursery and speak the language fluently etc, so we always assumed they would fit right in. My son is doing OK at school socially and has a few friends, but my daughter is really struggling. She is now in Y6 and has gone from having a couple of friends in earlier years (always boys) to absolutely no friends at school.
She is quite a resilient character, and last year palled up with a boy in the class who was being bullied, but he has now left the school and she is alone.
Of course, she is not perfect, but she is really kind, funny, lovely looking and loves sport. However, she's now at an age where the boys don't want to play with her anymore - and when she asks to join in a game of football they call her names - every day - mainly ‘fat’ (she is slightly chubby but is tall and sporty – essentially a normal sized girl in a country where some kids are smaller).
The girls all refuse to play with her at all. This came to a head last week when they held a vote that decided she cannot join in any class games during breaks - and no one will allow her to sit with them at lunch.
Her class teacher gives the impression that she is not especially keen on her either - mainly because she hates sitting for a whole day in the same classroom, which is the rule here since COVID.
She’s always the last to be picked for any team or group activity – even in sports, which she is good at. For example, her pupil group in music class (which the teacher had to put her in because no one wanted her to join their group) had to perform a dance to some music last week, which she is perfectly able to do well, but she was told by her colleagues that she had to go last because she’s ‘rubbish’. It's quite an academic school and although she has a good brain the teachers tell me she often seems to be disorganised or unmotivated in the classes. She has passed every year to date with a low/medium grade.
Last Friday she was crying about the whole situation and telling me that everyone hates her - pupils and staff. She wants to leave the school.
Unfortunately, it would be incredibly difficult for her to change school - there are not many alternatives here, apart from very poorly funded state schools, where she may or may not fit in and may not recieve a great education, or English language schools for international students, which I’ve never heard anything good about. Her current school is supposed to be the best in the region.
So here we are… I've been through all the practical things that I can think of - even buying new ‘cool’ shoes last weekend, as the class teased her about her shoes. She has nothing especially 'different' about her – apart from that she always preferred playing with the boys when she was younger - she just seems to have become the unpopular girl in the class.
She does football club outside of school, but is the only girl there, so no friends to be made. She just isn’t interested in dance academy or any of the other more 'girl-oriented' out of school activities.
If she stays at the school she will be in the same class of students for the whole of school until 18, so things really need to change… I would really appreciate any ideas as it is breaking my heart and I really worry about the long-term implications for her self-esteem etc.

[leavesthataregreen]

I see very clearly that the problem here is the school. No school should tolerate all the girls telling one girl she's not allowed to play or sit with them. No matter how shiny its equipment or great its academic track record, if a school has an ineffective bullying policy it is a shit school and always will be.

Please get her out. Look at some of the so-called poor schools locally. Pay specific attention to their bullying policy and inclusion programmes and go and talk to some head teachers and heads of year about the issue you are facing. Being systematically bullied scars you for life. Don't leave her to suffer.

[UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername]

I may be projecting, but the lower grades despite her good brain and the social difficulties have a whiff of ADHD, to me.

I'd also move her. She's clearly desperately unhappy.

[Atalune]

What about a UK boarding school? I am not joking.

@Bluntness100 usually I would agree with your posts, but I think you have this spectacularly wrong. This child is 11/12 and has been excluded and bullied her who school career.

She doesn't need to change the school should be supporting her and the class to integrate.

[dottiedodah]

I think you have little choice but to move her OP, as others have said.This is wholesale racist bullying and its disgusting .Maybe a school for International students may be better .If she is being singled out like this it will affect her confidence .

[dreamingbohemian]

My son experienced something like this when we were living in Germany -- nothing this extreme, but friendships tailing off, some bullying, and a teacher who was extremely critical of him.

Luckily we moved back to the UK and he is doing so well here, but he is still scarred by that experience and it's taking a long time to rebuild his self-esteem.

In your situation I would move her to the British school. We would have done this ourselves if we could have afforded it.

[whichiswitch]

I was that child. Bullied by the class and my teacher. It was awful. My parents were too busy with looking after my severely disabled sister and didn't know what was happening. and I didn't want to add to the problems they were already dealing with. It was the only protestant school in the area so I wouldn't have been moved but I did ask. I was lucky when I went to grammar school I made great friends there but the experience of primary still affects me.

So if you can I would move your daughter or home school. If your in France my cousin went to a brilliant international school. She's really excelled and is off to study medicine at uni now.

[QueenOfThorns]

I know lots of people already said this, but I was your DD too, OP, and the effects have been with me my whole life. I have no close friends because I’m too scared of rejection, and my self esteem is a mess.

My parents didn’t really understand how bad it was for me, so I stayed at the school until I managed to make my escape to sixth form college, where things were infinitely better. Please move her, it’ll be far better in the long run.

[cliffdonville]

It sounds like she's having a terrible time, I'm not surprised her grades are low, she must be miserable.

I would pull her out immediately, she needs you on her side. I believe her metal health and self esteem are much more important than the perceived quality of her education.

[Dappled]

@HarebrightCedarmoon I think @PyjamaFan's comment, although it might sound harsh, it's sadly spot on and highlights how important it is to prioritise wellbeing, support and good mental health - even potentially over "a great education".
I was bullied/ostracised/had every choice I made picked apart and mocked for years at school. The only reason for which I've ever been able to figure out, was being fairly introverted, not being very streetwise and not into the "right" TV shows, pop music etc.
It has wrecked the rest of my life and casts a shadow over my decisions, my interactions with humans and how much I share of myself.
And I'm not saying it to be overly negative/scaremongering. Just to state that it really can have big impacts long term. And I don't believe any amount of "great education" is worth that.

[PrincessNutella]

I was that girl. Move her. How would any adult do, going to a workplace where she was treated in such a hostile manner for a month, never mind years? It is unthinkable. Yet we tell children they have to deal with it on their own.

[worriedatthemoment]

A school that doesn't deal with bullying is not a great school even if academically it does ok
I personally would rather move my child to a less academic school if was right fit for my child and your dd isn't top grades at her school anyway so maybe look at what else is about

[menotastic]

My DD was similar in some ways. Very into football, very keen to be friends with boys, boys increasingly uninterested in being her friend as they went from lower to upper primary, girls didn't warm to her. In DD's case, she also did quite a lot to antagonise people. There were some fairly bleak years in upper primary.
Lower secondary, her ability to relate to boys, because she had stuff in common with them, made her more useful to the popular kids, and she found herself in the popular gang for a while. But she and they soon realised that this wasn't a good fit (she was way too strong minded), and there was some merciless bullying from a group of boys at one point. But since then, she's found her tribe at school and then university, and she now has plenty of close friendships and a wide circle beyond that. She's learned to be very proactive in targeting friends that she feels she clicks with. Her main girl friendship group ended up being in a town half an hour away, that she met through boys that she met through a hobby.
As kids get older, they become more accepting of diversity within their group, I think, which certainly helps.
This doesn't necessarily help you now, though. My two thoughts are:

1. If at all possible, find her an all-girls football team that plays to a high standard. We drove a long way to ours, but it was completely worth it. All these girls who'd felt a bit 'odd' at school suddenly had a group that got them. When things were bad at school, DD knew that at least she had this lovely group of girls that accepted her.
   
2. A mixed cubs/scouts group can be great for a sporty girl.
   
3. Move her to a school that has a big enough cohort for her to be able to look for kindred spirits. Too small a school, and the chances are slim.
   Good luck!

[Bimblybomeyelash]

Bloody hell. She is being horrifically bullied, poor child. Kids fall out and call each other names, and friendships wax and wane. But-everyone voting to exclude her is just another level! The school sound completely unprepared to take action. I would 100% move her anywhere else.

[Jangle33]

The school sounds absolutely terrible. I’m frankly incredulous that you think keeping her there should even be an option. There is more to life than the top notch school/education (which I seriously doubt she’s receiving if the teachers have got it in for her). You have to move her, I would suggest her mental health/happiness and corresponding educational achievement is seriously at stake here. Put your daughter first, not the prestige of this school!

[thebookworm1]

Don’t be scared of the state schools. There’s a massive misconception amongst US and UK expats that in many European countries state schools are poor but nothing could be further from the truth. They do have different approaches but I’ve often thought families miss out so much by snobbing the state schools.

[Regularsizedrudy]

I know loads of people who did great at international schools - what don’t you like about them? Moving her seems the only option really.

[Notonthestairs]

This isn't a case of being unpopular- she's being bullied with the school waving the bullies on.

The best gift you can give a child is positive self esteem- it will carry you through the tough teen years and beyond.

I think @menotastic has good advice

"1) If at all possible, find her an all-girls football team that plays to a high standard. We drove a long way to ours, but it was completely worth it. All these girls who'd felt a bit 'odd' at school suddenly had a group that got them. When things were bad at school, DD knew that at least she had this lovely group of girls that accepted her.
2) A mixed cubs/scouts group can be great for a sporty girl.
3) Move her to a school that has a big enough cohort for her to be able to look for kindred spirits. Too small a school, and the chances are slim."

[Yummymummy2020]

No way would I leave her there. Poor girl. The school sounds crap and I agree with other posters this sounds like bullying. Just a bit of my experience. I attended state school, it was a fine school, not the worst and not the best. A girl joined our class that had been badly bullied in her previous school which happened to be private with a great name to it. She settled in really well and joined our group of friends, had a really nice school experience in the end. She didn’t finish with sparkling grades but got enough to do a course she enjoyed at uni.She is still in the friendship group now, I know from her telling me her mental health was at rock bottom from the other school and this changed her life around.

[WhatDidISayAlan]

I was your child all through primary. My saving grace was a new girl who moved next door to me on the day schools broke up for Easter - I had two weeks to cultivate a friendship with her before we went back for our final term before secondary, and she’s still my best mate.

I’m now nearly 50 and have struggled with a lack of self-esteem and a fear of rejection my whole life. I’d move her.

[RickySpanishhh]

If you really can't move her, school her at home. Your poor daughter

Homeschooling is illegal in some countries in Europe

[wigglerose]

I'd move her too. You need to show her you've got your back.

I was bullied horrendously at primary school by my friends and also the daughter and son of the childminder who looked after me.

I begged my mum to move schools. She thought I was just making a fuss but I wanted a fresh start and it was impossible to get away from my bullies because the school was so small and I had to go to the childminder because there weren't many childcare options around.

It had a massive impact on my self-esteem. It also made me really passive and struggle to advocate for myself. I internalised the idea that I could not change anything, ever, so I should just get on with things rather than do something about it. I also stopped asking my mum for help because she'd shown she wouldn't do anything when it really mattered.

[stayathomegardener]

You could be describing my dd, 22 now and thriving away from school.
Personally I would remove your daughter immediately, any school is better than this. Exams can be caught up with later, bullying scars for life.
Maybe consider an ADHD exploration too as girls mask so easily but other kids can ostracise kids on that spectrum without knowing why.

[fluffiphlox]

Is this fee-paying? If so you are paying for your child to be bullied and ignored. Get her out of there - lots of PPs have said why.

[GreenMeeple]

What about the international school did you hear is not good? I have cousins who went to an international school and they have all done very well academically. I cant speak about there experiences though.

The good thing about the international school would be that they have a constant flow of children coming and going. So the children will be more open to making friends with new kids.

Maybe your daughter might be interested in trying some other sports? If boys don't want to play football with her because she is a girl then maybe a sport where she can interact with some likeminded girls. Basketball, Handball, Volleyball or Hockey maybe?

Also I would see if she can get tested for ADHD.

[Wnikat]

Can you also get her assessed for SEN? Maybe she has ADHD which is why she is disorganised.