my daughter is the unpopular kid in class

[sunnydaysarenotenough]

I'm really struggling with the situation my daughter finds herself in and would appreciate some practical advice on what to do next.
Background - we are British but live in Europe and our kids were born here. They've been in the local school since nursery and speak the language fluently etc, so we always assumed they would fit right in. My son is doing OK at school socially and has a few friends, but my daughter is really struggling. She is now in Y6 and has gone from having a couple of friends in earlier years (always boys) to absolutely no friends at school.
She is quite a resilient character, and last year palled up with a boy in the class who was being bullied, but he has now left the school and she is alone.
Of course, she is not perfect, but she is really kind, funny, lovely looking and loves sport. However, she's now at an age where the boys don't want to play with her anymore - and when she asks to join in a game of football they call her names - every day - mainly ‘fat’ (she is slightly chubby but is tall and sporty – essentially a normal sized girl in a country where some kids are smaller).
The girls all refuse to play with her at all. This came to a head last week when they held a vote that decided she cannot join in any class games during breaks - and no one will allow her to sit with them at lunch.
Her class teacher gives the impression that she is not especially keen on her either - mainly because she hates sitting for a whole day in the same classroom, which is the rule here since COVID.
She’s always the last to be picked for any team or group activity – even in sports, which she is good at. For example, her pupil group in music class (which the teacher had to put her in because no one wanted her to join their group) had to perform a dance to some music last week, which she is perfectly able to do well, but she was told by her colleagues that she had to go last because she’s ‘rubbish’. It's quite an academic school and although she has a good brain the teachers tell me she often seems to be disorganised or unmotivated in the classes. She has passed every year to date with a low/medium grade.
Last Friday she was crying about the whole situation and telling me that everyone hates her - pupils and staff. She wants to leave the school.
Unfortunately, it would be incredibly difficult for her to change school - there are not many alternatives here, apart from very poorly funded state schools, where she may or may not fit in and may not recieve a great education, or English language schools for international students, which I’ve never heard anything good about. Her current school is supposed to be the best in the region.
So here we are… I've been through all the practical things that I can think of - even buying new ‘cool’ shoes last weekend, as the class teased her about her shoes. She has nothing especially 'different' about her – apart from that she always preferred playing with the boys when she was younger - she just seems to have become the unpopular girl in the class.
She does football club outside of school, but is the only girl there, so no friends to be made. She just isn’t interested in dance academy or any of the other more 'girl-oriented' out of school activities.
If she stays at the school she will be in the same class of students for the whole of school until 18, so things really need to change… I would really appreciate any ideas as it is breaking my heart and I really worry about the long-term implications for her self-esteem etc.

[Snugglepumpkin]

It almost doesn't matter what she does now, she has been labelled as the unpopular one & honestly it's unlikely to ever change when she is with the same people.
If new people join the school, if they want to fit in with everyone else they will have to join their 'dislike' of her.

My oldest son had a similar thing happen.
No amount of getting him the in things/clothes/activities etc.. made any difference.

We moved & he went to a different school (move was work related)

He had no reputation as the unpopular kid in the new school & made friends within a month of joining the new school.
He's now in his thirties & still has contact with some of those old school friends.

A fresh start is pretty much the only real solution because the same people will always remember her as 'that kid' and they'll only get crueller as they head towards being teenagers.

[PizzaCrust]

I’d also move her.

I had issues with bullying for years at school and while I did come out the other side, it caused so much needless upset and grief. I was absolutely broken one summer after a relentless year of it - was clearly depressed and was overly attached to boyfriend at the time as he was essentially my “armour” against the bullying. He went on a family holiday for a few weeks and my reaction to being alone was almost as if someone had died. My mental health was shot to pieces and meant I had to “unpick” after I left school.

So, yes, I did come out the other side but it wasn’t worth it. Move her to the English school and even if it isn’t “as good”, you could make up for that with private tutoring in subjects she struggles with? At least she’d be happy day to day, though.

[dottiedodah]

Its terrible to hear of the long term damage to some posters self esteem here.Pleas move her .I find it incredible that children can behave so badly towards others .Worse is that the School seem to be enabling this.

[SuperStarRose]

Can she at least move to another class if moving school isn't a huge option.

[0043parent]

Do you expect her to live in that country permanently? If so, would it be better to send her to a local state school, and to support that with extra curricular activities and maybe online tutoring?

[BiBabbles]

Being bullied can cause kids to be more disorganized. It's hard to keep all the things in mind when your under the stress of other things. I had teachers tear me apart for it too, that never helped. I agree with others that looking into neurodiverse conditions could be also, and also there is more writing these days that trauma in children can cause similar executive dysfunction & questions around how to adjust screening to ensure better treatments, though it is in early days of research.

Now, I'm actually known for being good at organization, but the trauma effects are still there.

The bottom line here is she either makes an effort to fit in, or she goes through school unpopular

This was my mother's mindset.

Her response to my not being popular in preschool was to convince me I'd be 'pretty and popular' if I let her bleach my hair and styled it in the fashionable way and wore the popular clothes she wanted. She put me in dance and other lessons so I'd be more girly and fit in with her idea of what a girl should be. I was little miss cheerleader, because cheerleaders are popular.

Unsurprisingly, it didn't work - I actually got more bullied for this. It was 'try hard' and fake. It was hard to learn in that environment, but what created the block that made me give up was having the adults watch on and do nothing or even encourage it. I can still remember that moment viscerally when I learned trying in school was pointless, it wouldn't give me what I wanted, so I went from straight As to barely above failing in a term and it took years for me to get back out -- I think in some ways it still affects my work.

All that to say, I agree with others in finding a better environment if at all possible and don't try to push ways for her to be more liked. Many schools' reputations are outdated or from a loud minority, for better and for worse. You can add a lot to a child's learning, but spending all those hours with unsupportive adults not caring about the harmful peers, it's very limited what one can do as a parent for a child dealing with that.

[0043parent]

I wouldn't worry too much about being disorganised - it's not uncommon at that age.

[OrangutanLibrarian]

@Bluntness100

I don’t agree move her, giving her a shit education is the answer.

The bottom line is she needs to try to fit in op. In some respects it’s good to be an individual and to stand by it, but it means she’s nothing in common with any of the girls. And she needs to accept that she has to stay in the one class, no matter how much she dislikes it. And she can’t make her feelings known to such an extent

The bottom line here is she either makes an effort to fit in, or she goes through school unpopular or she gets a shit education where it might be even worse on the friendship front.

She can’t change others behaviour but she can change herself and make an effort. In the meantime I’d speak to her teacher to see what she advises.

I’ve just opened Mumsnet for the day and I’ve already found the worst “advice” I’ll read all day.
Were you the school bully, bluntness?

[Rhythmisadancer]

just another one adding move her - she has expressed that she wants to leave, so that tells me that she knows it won't change where she is. The school you have mentioned which is new and in some flux might be just right - a school which is finding its way might be the place for her to find hers - it could be a good re-set for your DD, to shake off the feelings that she's had from being bullied

[LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee]

That sounds horrible!
My sister was bullied after spending her primary years being friends with the boys and then being rejected by both boys and girls in secondary. Not sure what the solution is except change school to one where people don’t know her.
Also (even if I know she shouldn’t have to!) she might benefit from trying to find common ground with the girls.
Are you friendly with the other parents? Could you organize something to give her the opportunity to get closer with one girl? Easier than at school where there is a whole group.

[Snoozer11]

She's scraping a pass every year with a low grade and yet you're concerned that her education will suffer if she attends a state school? Her education is already floundering.

Oh, the horror of having to go to a state school! Sounds like you care more about image than the welfare of your daughter. She's being bullied and this may go on until she's 18. Move her!

[TatianaBis]

Rarely are MN threads almost unanimous. But the message is clear.

[EmeraldShamrock]

Awh the poor girl.
I'd move her too.

[kirinm]

@Bluntness100

I don’t agree move her, giving her a shit education is the answer.

The bottom line is she needs to try to fit in op. In some respects it’s good to be an individual and to stand by it, but it means she’s nothing in common with any of the girls. And she needs to accept that she has to stay in the one class, no matter how much she dislikes it. And she can’t make her feelings known to such an extent

The bottom line here is she either makes an effort to fit in, or she goes through school unpopular or she gets a shit education where it might be even worse on the friendship front.

She can’t change others behaviour but she can change herself and make an effort. In the meantime I’d speak to her teacher to see what she advises.

this is a disgusting post.

She doesn't need to "make an effort to fix it". She's being bullied ffs. A group of kids "took a vote" and decided she couldn't sit with them at lunch. That is hideous behaviour.

God what a truly horrible post.

[lynntheyresexpeople]

I usually think you have a point @Bluntness100 but your post here is vile.
I can't believe what I've read.

[Tresal]

I think you should look at the international schools. Even if their reputation isn’t great, they may be a better environment for your child and if she is happier she will do better academically anyway.

[Friendissues46]

You’re her mum. You move her school. If you were being that bullied at work, you’d change job.

Please don’t let her get to 14/15, as that’s when bullying usually becomes physical and a lot crueller and she will only feel worse.

She’s going into a place every day where she’s been called names, sitting alone at lunch, told she isn’t good enough and I’m sorry, but if she was my daughter, I couldn’t physically bring myself to put her through that.

Move her, and in years to come she will thank you.

[ZoyaTheDestroyer]

Her current school is supposed to be the best in the region.

Well, that's clearly not true for your child, is it? So move her.

[DFOD]

Move her somewhere else because whilst she is in an emotionally bad place she isn’t psychologically able to access the academic stuff that is important to you. The horse (her emotional well-being) needs to go before the cart (academics) for her to function.

She is being institutionally and systematically bullied and let down at every turn - her old male friends, individual girls, the teacher, the class wide vote. It doesn’t get any worse than this - she has no respite or emotionally safe place of comfort and acceptance.

This is far to entrenched to turn around.

She should be moved but also supported with counselling to proactively minimise / unpick the untold damage to date to her self esteem which will bed in and affect her approach to life going forward.

I would celebrate and embrace her difference and find a school that reflects her values and needs. This way she is able to maximise her unique core self and to be sure if who she is - that gives her confidence.

I moved my introvert “quirky” DD to a small school where many of the girls were low key / less than cool and shiny at 14 and this untreatening and accepting environment gave her the space to become herself and she flourished. She knows now what sort of friends she clicks with and what sort of friendships she wants. She can move between groups, move or or swerve difficult characters - she is not held hostage to the “queen bee and wannabe” dynamic.

I really hope that your DD can have a similar transformative experience.

[IDidNotSignUpForThis]

My daughter was that child. Whole class absolutely vile to her. She wasn’t allowed on the play equipment at break, no one would talk to her, sit with her, play with her. Broke my heart every day for months. Tried everything. School useless. The few friends she had deserted her, seemingly for fear of getting the same treatment. You know what I’m going to say- moved schools. She came out of new school on her first day surrounded by a group of new friends who wanted her to come and play (she was clearly bemused) never looked back. Loads of friends, busy, happy , confident (that took a while to build back up) no reason or explanation as to why she was bullied so relentlessly in one school and welcomed with open arms in another. You have to move her. The problem is them, not your daughter. 💐

[Comedycook]

She doesn't need to change herself.

I think the problem is she has always played with the boys...once they reach year 5/6, the boys tend to stick to the boys and girls with the girls. The girls have clearly already formed their friendships and your dd didn't fit in with them. It happens. Sometimes you're just unlucky and you don't gel with the group. The boys are now no longer interested in being friends with a girl.

Just move her. I'd rather my DC was in a less good school but happy than miserable in a great school. This issue won't resolve itself.

I remember when my ds was in year 6...a new girl started. She'd been badly bullied in her old school. My ds class had such a lovely welcoming group of girls who totally embraced this girl into their friendship group and she had such a happy last year of primary. The mum was so happy she'd moved her

[kirinm]

I was bullied at school OP and it was awful. It completely destroyed me and 30 years on I still have massive insecurities.

I was moved out of school eventually but the damage was done. It did mean I had to go to a "worse" school but I've been a qualified solicitor for 10 years so it wasn't too bad!

Please move her. If I was having children behave in that way towards me, I also wouldn't be feeling particularly keen on engaging with teachers etc. You often do all you can to blend in / be ignored because being ignored is often the better option that being actively attacked (physically or verbally).

[DFOD]

The bottom line is she needs to try to fit in op

Why would anyone expect their child to fit in with this gross bullying system - to adapt, accept and become these values?

[ShowMeHow]

You spend a long time in school better to not feel like this.

Maybe one of the options would be good for a sporty child.

Don’t worry too much about school reputations they don’t tell individual stories. Visit maybe and see if you can get a feel for caring teaching staff and welcoming approach.

[Piggy42]

You need to move her. It doesn’t matter how good the school is on paper, it sounds hideous for your dd. They’re not addressing bullying, and I don’t see how it can’t damage her mental health. She’ll do far better where she’s happy.