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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feeling broken by DH snoring

74 replies

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 21/09/2021 09:06

Honestly need some perspective here.

DH and I have 3 small DC (6yo an under) who have mostly started sleeping through now. DH is at home PT and works PT; I work FT in a long hours/ fairly pressured job.

DH has always snored but recently it is most nights from about 3am. Last night he woke me up at 4am and I lay awake for 2h before getting up. In the last week, that is the third night that I have lost 2+ hours of sleep.

His snoring is worse atm because he has a cold but I just feel like I cannot function. I was in an 8am meeting this morning writing a large funding bid and just couldn't keep my eyes focused.

I have asked him to consider going to his parents' for a night or two to use their spare room, just so I can get a night of uninterrupted sleep. He is reluctant but I feel like something needs to give...
Aibu?

OP posts:

ModerateOven · 21/09/2021 09:18

Yanbu. My DH snored so loudly because he has sleep apnoea and eventually was put on a CPAP machine. I was lucky enough to have a room in the house where I couldn't hear it so that's where I slept. It was the only way I could get any sleep

Mich2005 · 21/09/2021 09:23

Get him to go to GP for a referral to a sleep clinic for sleep apnoea. It’s often the spouses that spot it because they can’t sleep. Seriously though a cpap machine will be life changing for both of you. Don’t delay.

lubeybooby · 21/09/2021 09:25

sometimes snoring can't be helped, I snore and it's not purposefully to get at my dp

it's not weight related either unfortunately - tried o solve it by losing 8 stone

The only thing that helps is I've trained myself to side sleep only, never on my back

Could the old 'golfball in the back of pj's' thing maybe help him try to side sleep only?

you are not being unreasonable wanting decent sleep, but you (or rather he) needs to think longer term than a couple of nights away

Sewaccidentprone · 21/09/2021 09:26

I’ve started wearing ear plugs! But I don’t have small children anymore.

We have a sofa big enough to sleep on, which has been great if dh has been out with one particular mate who drinks a lot more than dh usually does. He sleeps on the sofa in a sleeping bag.

Or when I’ve had a chest infection and spent hours coughing I’ve also slept on the sofa with my pillow and a snuggly blanket.

Think there has to be a bit of give and take in any relationship when it come to sleep and one person keeping the other awake for whatever reason.

Trying to function with broken/little sleep is awful, and really bad for your mental and physical health (from someone whose ds2 didn’t sleep through the night regularly till he was 7).

gamerchick · 21/09/2021 09:26

Getting husband's CPAP was the best day. I could have kissed that machine. Still kept my own bedroom though.

He's being irresponsible with his health not getting his snoring investigated. It can have long term serious health issues.

CurlyWurly321 · 21/09/2021 09:26

YANBU.

I'd be going to the parents.

Weenurse · 21/09/2021 09:27

We are lucky enough to have a spare room and I can still hear him.
Is there some where else in the house he can sleep?

SheWoreYellow · 21/09/2021 09:30

Is he trying anything?
Right now, with a cold, Sudafed.

All the time:
Saline nose spray
A spray from the GP
Antihistamines
Losing weight
Nose strips

There are lots of things he could do.
You could try earplugs. Get a monitor/turn yours up if you think you’ll sleep through children in the night. You can buy a selection pack on Amazon to try.
I recorded mine using an app called SnoreLab and he understood how bad it was.

DrNo007 · 21/09/2021 09:33

Do you have any other room where you (or he) could sleep? DH and I have always slept in separate rooms as we otherwise keep each other awake. It works for us.

ufucoffee · 21/09/2021 09:42

Noise cancelling headphones. I wear them in bed because of snoring. You're being v harsh asking him to leave home. Why doesn't one of you sleep on the sofa for a few nights.

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/09/2021 09:43

Mich2005

Wholeheartedly second this.

ChaToilLeam · 21/09/2021 09:47

He needs to address the snoring, if it’s sleep apnoea then it will be affecting his health too. You can’t be expected to continue with such broken sleep. Sleep deprivation is used as torture for a reason: it’s bloody effective. In the meantime, if he could spend a couple of nights away (maybe take the kids too?) you could catch up on some zzz. But there really needs to be a long term solution. Snorers don’t realize just how awful it is for their partners when they are kept awake like this.

TheWoleb · 21/09/2021 09:50

What is he doing about his snoring?

If he doesnt care enough to sort it out then he doesnt care about you. He's getting enough sleep so why bother doing anything, it's only you after all. Why should he care? That's what is going through his head.

RiotAtTheRodeo · 21/09/2021 09:50

There is nothing like the hot white rage of lying awake in bed beside someone who's snoring their head off. You need to download an app on your phone to record his snoring so he cannot deny how bad it is. They he needs to go for a sleep study asap. And then hire a cpap machine. In the meantime he should alternate between the sofa and a few nights at his parents house. The sooner he fixes it the sooner he can be back in his bed.

Cryalot2 · 21/09/2021 09:57

I feel your pain op.
Your dh needs to see his gp and get referred to sleep clinic.
He may well need a cpap machine. These also make à noise. But it was nothing compared to the snoring. He may also have nasal polyps.
Try getting him to sleep on his side.
He has to accept he has a problem and be prepared to get help.
Good wishes.

LittleMysSister · 21/09/2021 10:13

Have you tried drowning him out with white noise?

I have storm noise playing through bluetooth speakers every night because my partner is a snorer and otherwise he would wake me up all through the night.

seaandsandcastles · 21/09/2021 10:16

YANBU. If there’s no spare room the snorer needs to sleep on the sofa until they’ve addressed it.

Bullshit on “I can’t help it!” 🙄

ILoveAGlassofFizzy · 21/09/2021 10:19

My DH snores, I hate it. I now sleep in another bedroom (am fortunate) and we no longer have sex (shrugs shoulders)

Lightswitch123 · 21/09/2021 10:26

This would also drive me to an early grave. Could you sleep elsewhere?

Turkishangora · 21/09/2021 10:36

YANBU, not doing something to sort snoring out is abusive to the other partner. It may sound extreme but it really is. We had this for years (husband), it nearly broke us. I was in pieces, kids couldn't sleep either due to the noise coming through the walls. Eventually he went to a sleep clinic, his sleep apnoea was at the severe end of the scale and he was prescribed a CPAP machine as a matter of urgency. His snoring was technically louder than a lawnmower. He's very fit and healthy and not overweight.

The cpap is better but I've got so used to him disturbing me we now have to sleep separately when I have work the next day as I'm in a demanding role and I feel as if I won't be able to cope. Unfortunately we don't have a spare room so we take it in turns sleeping on a sofa bed. Far from ideal. Once DD goes to uni in 3 years time I will be sleeping in her room.

Your DH needs to find somewhere else to sleep until his sleep clinic referral comes through.

MissyB1 · 21/09/2021 10:37

He needs to try to remedy it, what has he tried? Bear in mind there isn't always a "cure" as such though. Sleeping on his side is the easiest one to try. It isn't always due to sleep apnoea, it can be just a floppy soft palate.

I did read the other day about a new laser treatment for snoring (works on the soft palate), only available privately though.

MinaPop · 21/09/2021 10:42

Is he overweight/sleeping on his back/drinking alcohol every day? If it's something like this and he wasn't taking steps to resolve it, he'd be on the sofa until he did.

My DH sometimes snores when he rolls on his back. I poke him and he rolls over and stops. I don't mind this. He's not overweight though, doesn't drink daily, and is quite happy to be poked in the ribs. There isn't anything else he can do. It's not a medical issue, just that when he's on his back his chin goes forward and partially obstructs his airway.

It sounds as if your DH snores a lot more than this, or it doesn't stop when you poke him and he rolls over? If that's the case and there's no other obvious cause, definitely go to the GP.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/09/2021 10:52

I snore like a hog and have a quiet cpap machine which stops me snoring and the machine doesn't wake me or anyone else up.
If you snore you cannot do nothing, long term snoring can cause a heart attack, diabetes and other chronic illnesses.
Can you sleep downstairs in the meantime?

Wheresmrpenguin · 21/09/2021 10:52

@TheWoleb

What is he doing about his snoring?

My DP snores most nights and there ARE things he can do to stop it, if he refuses to try them because 'he's tired and needs to sleep' I just keep waking him up until he does it.

Op - Things I get him to do;
Clear his throat properly (Sometimes he doesn't do it fully, I want to hear the mucus in the back leaving not just vibrating)
Have a drink of water (and clear throat again)
Sit up higher on pillow
Lie on side.

Rannva · 21/09/2021 10:55

You have to take control. He cannot and will not stop and that is that. I went through this. You can't make them stop.

All you can do is protect your sleep.

I sleep on the sofa. You could also repurpose a room far away from him that has a sofabed/armchair bed and sleep there.

It doesn't matter if he complains, because your sleep is the most important thing.

You cannot change someone else's behaviour, only your own.

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