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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU overly attached grandparent?

72 replies

Kneller92 · 20/09/2021 17:49

Hi everyone,
I'll try to keep this as brief as possible but for a bit of context...My Mum had a really difficult childhood and doesn't have any relationship with her parents. I have an older sibling who has 4 children but their partner stops my Mum from being as involved as she would like to be with the children which upsets her. I have a good relationship with my Mum, we have always been close and she has been very supportive since I had my DD 5 weeks ago.

Now for the issue...my Mum has said she feels like my daughter is her daughter even though she obviously knows she's not. She has made comments which bother me like saying she loves her more than I do and saying she has a better bond with her, convincing me I'm struggling to bond when I thought things were fine ( I'm a FTM so there is a bit of self doubt and anxiety there but I love my daughter more than anything). I have addressed these comments whenever she has said them and she apologises at the time but she continues to say things that upset me. Yesterday she said to my daughter she felt like she was meant be her Mummy but she got to be her Grandma instead (I know she's only 5 weeks old but still...wtf?) Now I feel like I need to create a distance between us even though I love her and want her in our lives.

AIBU?
Any advice is welcome.

OP posts:

WandaVision2 · 20/09/2021 17:51

It sounds like your sibling doesn’t let you mum get too involved for a very good reason. YANBU

BlackIsQueen · 20/09/2021 17:52

Congrats on your dd. Do you think this behaviour from your mum is responsible for her not seeing the other grandchildren?

WoozySnoozy · 20/09/2021 17:53

I would speak to your older sibling but I expect she was simar with her other GC.

Keepitonthedownlow · 20/09/2021 17:53

It's a bit weird but maybe she'll calm down. The more you keep a distance maybe the more she'll be anxious?

WoozySnoozy · 20/09/2021 17:53

And I would create distance. Dont rely on her for childcare.

OrangeTortoise · 20/09/2021 17:56

YANBU and this would bother me a lot too - although I also feel sorry for your mum, as she sounds like a person who is emotionally troubled.

You say that you address these comments, but have you maybe been a bit too calm and polite so she doesn't realise how upset you are? Next time I'd go a bit mad and make it clear that she must stop saying rubbish like that if she wants to have a relationship with her grandchildren.

LittleOwl153 · 20/09/2021 17:57

Yeah od be talking honesty to your sister and find out what happened there.

Also I'd back off from your mother as clearly if she feels she has a stronger bond with dd that you then she is spending too much time with her and not enough with you. I'd be very wary.

ComDummings · 20/09/2021 17:58

That would bother me, especially because you’ve been honest and told her how it makes you feel when she says these things but she continues. To continue to upset you is so wrong. I’m not sure how to address it OP, sorry other than keeping her at arms length tbh.

Si1ver · 20/09/2021 17:59

You definitely need to speak to your sibling. I am certain that their lack of close contact is a family decision because of your mother's lack of boundaries when it comes to the kids.

ShowOfHands · 20/09/2021 18:01

Oh your poor Mum.

My MIL and my Dad were both utterly blindsided by becoming grandparents. My MIL explained that she'd felt utterly instinctively in love with her children and as they got older, assumed she'd never feel that overwhelming love again but was so surprised when it happened with her first gc. I know my Dad felt similarly. He fell completely in love with DD and it was so reminiscent of meeting his own DD 26yrs previously that he was bowled over by it.

I think without trauma and fraught childhoods, you sublimate that feeling into a fulfilling grandparent/grandchild relationship and it becomes a real positive. Certainly, my children and I are so lucky for that to have happened. But it sounds like your Mum has lacked that sort of relationship before and has had no outlet for those intense feelings and is overwhelmed by it all.

Of course that doesn't make it okay and it's tough for you as a new Mum to have to manage her but I think you can do it kindly. Pull her up on it every time but with a simple request or statement. "Don't say that thank you Mum" for example. It's okay to let her know she's hurt your feelings and then move on with lots of comments about her role as a grandma. "DD aren't you lucky to have such a wonderful Grandma" for example. Keep reinforcing it. Firm on the stuff you don't want and encouraging of the stuff you do.

Your Mum sounds like she's been deprived of the sorts of relationships she deserves and here is her opportunity for one. She has the makings of a wonderful grandma, she's just overwhelmed and human.

Has she had any therapy or counselling in the past?

RedHelenB · 20/09/2021 18:01

I honestly couldn't ever imagine saying that to any of my children.
I would say if she wants to be in my lifetime she needs to show she loves and supports me as her daughter. If she can't do that then NC seems to be the way your sibling has addressed the issue.

lemonyfox · 20/09/2021 18:01

Do you know why your mum doesn't see her other grandchildren? Could it be for something similar?

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 20/09/2021 18:02

she feels like my daughter is her daughter
This bit struck a chord - I remember feeling very strong feelings for my newborn granddaughter, but also for my very vulnerable (at the time) dd.

she loves her more than I do and saying she has a better bond with her
she said to my daughter she felt like she was meant be her Mummy but she got to be her Grandma instead
Absolutely unacceptable. Your mother shouldn't be trying to undermine you, or make you feel uncertain. Your baby needs you, not anyone else. No-one else can be her mum. No-one.

Maybe your mother has an unfortunate way of expressing her feelings, but you don't have to let that go. Get in the habit of saying clearly what is acceptable and to you, and what is not. If you have to limit contact, do it. When you have a baby, it does shake up relationships all round. Follow your own instincts, because you are most likely to be right.

PotteringAlong · 20/09/2021 18:02

I have an older sibling who has 4 children but their partner stops my Mum from being as involved as she would like to be with the children which upsets her

You know it’s most likely not just the partner, right? Look at how she is with your DD. I would be amazed if this isn’t history repeating itself.

TrashKitten10 · 20/09/2021 18:02

At best she's overbearing and doesn't think/care about the impact of her words.

At worst she's deliberately being unpleasant to make you feel insecure and upset.

Neither is something you want to put up with so you need to sit her down and tell her firmly that what's she saying is completely inappropriate and it's upsetting you. She is not your child's mother and she does not have a bond or relationship that overshadows your own relationship with your baby. If she continues to make such comments then you will be forced to reduce contact.

ChocChipPancake · 20/09/2021 18:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on OP's request.

SaborDeSoledad · 20/09/2021 18:04

She's not being fair to you.

Please remember that to your daughter, you will always, always be number 1, whatever your mum says! Her comments are really strange.

You might find the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend helpful - it's honestly changes my life and relationships with people who push boundaries, as your mother is clearly trying to do here.

Nip it in the bud! And as @WoozySnoozy says don't rely on her for childcare - this will escalate.

WimpoleHat · 20/09/2021 18:06

She has made comments which bother me like saying she loves her more than I do and saying she has a better bond with her, convincing me I'm struggling to bond when I thought things were fine

This is awful. Just horrible. I too think this is why she doesn’t see much of her other GC….

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 20/09/2021 18:06

There’s a reason your sibling keeps a distance from your mum……

Flowerlane · 20/09/2021 18:08

I would be nipping that in the bud pronto before your daughter is old enough to understand.

Sit her down and be stern with her and tell her if her comments continue then you will have no choice but to limit the time she spends with her.

Original poster

Kneller92 · 20/09/2021 18:11

Thank you so much everyone for your replies so far.

I should probably have been a bir clearer, my Mum does have contact with her other grandchildren and she has wonderful relationships with them all but she has not been allowed to be 'involved in the sense of having them round her house or taking them on days out, things she would like to do with them.

She has had therapy in the past but this hasn't covered all of the traumas she has suffered.

She is an incredibly loving woman and I am positive it comes from a place of love and that she probably finds the feelings for my DD intense. It is just a struggle to deal with the comments made and to not take them personally.

OP posts:

LeroyJenkinssss · 20/09/2021 18:12

I think either your sister’s partner genuinely put their foot down as they recognised how unacceptable your mum is or alternatively your sis uses her partner as the bad guy so she doesn’t have to be honest with your mum.

Do you have a partner? Because I’d get their support. Ultimately your mum is undermining your bond with your dc and potentially causing you more difficulties in the future.

MrsColon · 20/09/2021 18:12

If she's trying to convince you that you're struggling to bond, I think she's crossed the line from besotted grandma to actually harmful. If you've talked to her about it and she's still doing it, you should back away, see her less until she begins to behave appropriately.

MrsColon · 20/09/2021 18:13

Yeah, I don't think trying to convince you that you're struggling to bond is coming from a place of love...

Anothermothernamegame · 20/09/2021 18:18

She sounds unwell, OP

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