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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU overly attached grandparent?

72 replies

Kneller92 · 20/09/2021 17:49

Hi everyone,
I'll try to keep this as brief as possible but for a bit of context...My Mum had a really difficult childhood and doesn't have any relationship with her parents. I have an older sibling who has 4 children but their partner stops my Mum from being as involved as she would like to be with the children which upsets her. I have a good relationship with my Mum, we have always been close and she has been very supportive since I had my DD 5 weeks ago.

Now for the issue...my Mum has said she feels like my daughter is her daughter even though she obviously knows she's not. She has made comments which bother me like saying she loves her more than I do and saying she has a better bond with her, convincing me I'm struggling to bond when I thought things were fine ( I'm a FTM so there is a bit of self doubt and anxiety there but I love my daughter more than anything). I have addressed these comments whenever she has said them and she apologises at the time but she continues to say things that upset me. Yesterday she said to my daughter she felt like she was meant be her Mummy but she got to be her Grandma instead (I know she's only 5 weeks old but still...wtf?) Now I feel like I need to create a distance between us even though I love her and want her in our lives.

AIBU?
Any advice is welcome.

OP posts:

WimpoleHat · 20/09/2021 18:19

It is just a struggle to deal with the comments made and to not take them personally.

How can anyone not take that personally? It’s beyond awful. Please don’t think you’re in any way at fault here….

thecatsthecats · 20/09/2021 18:22

Sou ds like your brother in law has the measure of her. Her comments way, WAY overstep the mark, and she lacks the self awareness to accept your boundaries.

You can choose:

you being upset because she continues to overstep with her weirdness (the status quo)
her being upset because of your reasonable boundaries

She can choose:

to act normally and have a normal relationship with her grandchildren
to be upset because of your reasonable boundaries
to carry on with her overstepping because you let her (the status quo)

Not all the choices are within your power - but it is nevertheless NBU to put her in the place of choosing the ONLY option where everyone is happy.

PotteringAlong · 20/09/2021 18:22

And why do you think she’s not allowed to have them at her house and take them out for days?! I imagine it’s because, at some point, she’s come across as possessively bonkers…

And no, telling you you’re struggling to bond and that she has a better bond with her than you is not coming from a place of love.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 20/09/2021 18:25

As a grandmother myself, I normally think new mothers are entirely too precious and possessive of their first born babies but in your case you are right. She has blurred the lines. There is a BIG difference between "I love her like my own" and "I love her and think she is meant to be mine"! First is normal, second is irrational.

romdowa · 20/09/2021 18:28

If it were me. Next time she makes the comments that upset you , then I would either ask her to leave or leave if you are at her house. There has to be clear boundaries in place. Seems like your ds and bil have boundaries for this very reason. Start now as you mean to go on.

Chiwi · 20/09/2021 18:30

I agree your mum doesn't sound well. This is not normal, any sort of undermining of a new mum is shitty but trying to make you question your bond is cruel. Being 5 weeks pp can make you feel pretty vulnerable.

Sorry you've been put in this awful position. It's important that this behaviour is stopped now though.

Holskey · 20/09/2021 18:38

You must really love your mum, OP, to have listened to that and not kicked her out in a rage. I'm sorry she's putting you in such a difficult position.

Have you bluntly told her that her behaviour is unacceptable, that you won't tolerate her trying to undermine your parenting or your bond, and that you'll have no choice but to see her less often if she is struggling to understand her place? If she continues after such a warning, I would as PP suggested, ask her to leave on every offence. Tell her you'll see her next time and that you hope she won't be so mean or confused.

Mseddy · 20/09/2021 18:38

I have a 2 week old DD. I'm very close to my mum and she can be a little too involved at times. But if she said even half the shit you DM has said I'd be livid!!

Couchbettato · 20/09/2021 18:38

Oh god your mum sounds off the rails barmy and your sister and her partner have made the right call.

Also she's alienating you from your daughter.

If you had someone tell you that you were fat and ugly when you were at your most vulnerable, and always making jabs at you, every day, you'd start to believe it at some point even if it weren't true. It's horrible.

Telling you that you're not bonding with your daughter when you have no concerns yourself is doing exactly that. You're going to believe it at some point and you're going to be very vulnerable when that happens and lo and behold mumsy will swoop in like a night in shining armour to protect your daughter from her own mother who loves her dearly.

Keeping your mum around is bad for your mental health.

I speak from experience and I'm still not over it and my son's nearly 3.

So boot her out, lock the door, meet her for coffee once a week for an hour.

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 20/09/2021 18:43

OP, just because your mother is damaged doesn't mean you have to try to make everything right for her. Put you and your dd first.

FuckingFlumps · 20/09/2021 18:49

@DoesHePlayTheFiddle

OP, just because your mother is damaged doesn't mean you have to try to make everything right for her. Put you and your dd first.

I was about to post something very similar. Your mum's issues are not your responsibility to resolve. She's massively over stepping and her comments are horrendous towards someone who has just had a new baby and is in a vulnerable state.

You need to put down some serious boundaries similar to those your sister and her partner has implemented ASAP. I really hope you have some real life support as I can imagine that your mum is going to continue to try and muscle her way in and try and sideline you.

Waspsarearseholes · 20/09/2021 18:50

This is horrible, OP! Your responsibility is to care for your baby and yourself - your mum is not your responsibility. She does sound as though she might be unwell, as a PP said. I don't want to sound alarming and dramatic but you need to sto this out now. Next time she makes a comment like that, or tries to make you doubt yourself, ask her to leave and tell her you need some space because you've asked her to stop and she hasn't. My worry is though, that even if she does learn to not say these things out loud to you, she will still be thinking them and struggling not to act on them. I'd distance myself if I were you, and I don't say that lightly as you obviously love your mum. Good luck, and don't think for a second you are not doing the right thing, you know your baby best.

Original poster

Kneller92 · 20/09/2021 18:51

Thanks again for your advice everyone.

The comments made about our bond were due to me discussing my birth (it was quite a difficult one). Her comments were along the lines of 'this is probably why you don't feel that instant bond'. I said I loved my daughter very much and had done since conceiving her but I'm not sure if I felt that 'rush of love' you're meant to feel but I'm sure this could grow in time and she said 'no I can tell you don't feel that but you're right it can grow'. She also said she was able to feel that rush of love for her maybe because she didn't have the birth experience as I had done. This was the part that upset me as it insinuated she had the better bond already due to circumstances beyond my control.

OP posts:

Waspsarearseholes · 20/09/2021 18:51

*stamp this out now

DominicRaabsTravelAgent · 20/09/2021 18:54

Definitely talk to your sibling. My Mum played me off against my Sibling for years. No we talk regularly she can't do it.

Original poster

Kneller92 · 20/09/2021 18:57

I think, as a few people have said, I have probably tried to be too kind in the way I have addressed the issues and perhaps need a firmer approach next time if it continues.

OP posts:

winniedaisy · 20/09/2021 18:57

Just create some space from her. Don't cut her off but I also wouldn't have her in my home everyday. Once a week max. When your husband is there too.

billy1966 · 20/09/2021 19:00

OP,

Your mother's remarks are both irritating and taking your peace.

Nip it in the bud and tell her you would like space.

She is wrong and unkind despite what you say, or can she really be that dim and obtuse?

Either way she needs to learn to STFU with her comments.

Best of luck.
I too think your SIL has the measure of her.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 20/09/2021 19:08

I think Show of Hands comment is really nice and thoughtful. If your Mum has always been loving to you and good parent you should work on this. It takes a lifetime to get over a bad childhood and if she is normally a good supportive parent I would follow the steps Show of hands suggests. On the internet strangers are quick to say go no contact without the full picture. Congratulations on your new baby!

Coyoacan · 20/09/2021 19:15

I would go low contact at least for a while with your mum, because nobody, least of all your mum, should be undermining you at the moment, and I say that as grandmother who absolutely dotes on my dgd.

You need time and space to build your bond with your baby and to get confident looking after her, and your mother is not helping at all.

Chickychickydodah · 20/09/2021 19:15

I would be honest and tell her that she is overstepping boundaries and that you will stop her coming round if she doesn’t stop, it might make her think before she speaks 💐

Original poster

Kneller92 · 20/09/2021 19:18

@ShowOfHands Thank you for sharing your experience. I found your advice useful as this is exactly how my Mum explained it to me when I told her how she had made me feel and you are very likely right about her not knowing how to channel her emotions.

OP posts:

Iwonder08 · 20/09/2021 19:20

Honestly OP, you need to top telling your mum that things she says upset you.. Tell her she sounds unhinged. Her behaviour is not normal grandparents' love.

Glssr195726113493 · 20/09/2021 19:22

It sounds like your sibling’s partner can see right through your mum and her awful behaviour.

If I were you, I’d put distance between your mother and your child pronto.

whatsthescoregeorgedoors · 20/09/2021 19:25

I would agree with @ShowOfHands

Subject to one thing.

Maybe, just maybe, as a result of her experiences, her boundaries and judgement are a bit off (in the sense that she wouldn't say no to her grandkids even when needed because she wants to please them all the time, might not respect even quite reasonable parental requests when taking them out for the day etc). Maybe this is why she isn't allowed to do certain things with them alone. Worthwhile establishing with sibling if this is the case, so that you can draw your own lines where needed.

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