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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU overly attached grandparent?

72 replies

Kneller92 · 20/09/2021 17:49

Hi everyone,
I'll try to keep this as brief as possible but for a bit of context...My Mum had a really difficult childhood and doesn't have any relationship with her parents. I have an older sibling who has 4 children but their partner stops my Mum from being as involved as she would like to be with the children which upsets her. I have a good relationship with my Mum, we have always been close and she has been very supportive since I had my DD 5 weeks ago.

Now for the issue...my Mum has said she feels like my daughter is her daughter even though she obviously knows she's not. She has made comments which bother me like saying she loves her more than I do and saying she has a better bond with her, convincing me I'm struggling to bond when I thought things were fine ( I'm a FTM so there is a bit of self doubt and anxiety there but I love my daughter more than anything). I have addressed these comments whenever she has said them and she apologises at the time but she continues to say things that upset me. Yesterday she said to my daughter she felt like she was meant be her Mummy but she got to be her Grandma instead (I know she's only 5 weeks old but still...wtf?) Now I feel like I need to create a distance between us even though I love her and want her in our lives.

AIBU?
Any advice is welcome.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kneller92 · 20/09/2021 19:36

@whatsthescoregeorgedoors I think that's probably quite accurate. I have spoken to my sibling in the past about issues with my Mum but it has always come down to my sibling's partner just really not liking her. I have never been able to get to the bottom of any real issues and even my sibling has said there aren't any issues from from perspective other than lack of relationship with their partner.

OP posts:
saraclara · 20/09/2021 19:38

The comments made about our bond were due to me discussing my birth (it was quite a difficult one). Her comments were along the lines of 'this is probably why you don't feel that instant bond'. I said I loved my daughter very much and had done since conceiving her but I'm not sure if I felt that 'rush of love' you're meant to feel but I'm sure this could grow in time and she said 'no I can tell you don't feel that but you're right it can grow'. She also said she was able to feel that rush of love for her maybe because she didn't have the birth experience as I had done.

That's a very different conversation than I imagined from your OP. It sounds quite a normal kind of conversation given the circumstances, and I don't think she meant that her bond was better. Just that there was nothing in the way of the way she responded to seeing her DD for the first time. I don't see her as competing with you there, just empathising. And she tried to reassure you.

Yesterday she said to my daughter she felt like she was meant be her Mummy but she got to be her Grandma instead

That, on the other hand, is barking mad. I'd have responded "Mum, have you any idea how creepy you sound? Stop saying weird things."

Holskey · 20/09/2021 19:43

@Kneller92

Thanks again for your advice everyone.

The comments made about our bond were due to me discussing my birth (it was quite a difficult one). Her comments were along the lines of 'this is probably why you don't feel that instant bond'. I said I loved my daughter very much and had done since conceiving her but I'm not sure if I felt that 'rush of love' you're meant to feel but I'm sure this could grow in time and she said 'no I can tell you don't feel that but you're right it can grow'. She also said she was able to feel that rush of love for her maybe because she didn't have the birth experience as I had done. This was the part that upset me as it insinuated she had the better bond already due to circumstances beyond my control.

This sounds really innocuous and has a very different tone to your OP. If this conversation happened as you've said it here, on the bond issue at least, you're being (perhaps understandably) over-sensitive.
Everydayimhuffling · 20/09/2021 19:43

"When you say things like x and y it makes me feel like I can't have my daughter be around you so much."

Then you take some time away from her. I would give her a couple of chances and then see her only without my DC for a longer time.

Also, I think it might be time to realise that your siblings partner clearly has good reasons for their choices!

TakeYourFinalPosition · 20/09/2021 19:56

she has not been allowed to be 'involved in the sense of having them round her house or taking them on days out, things she would like to do with them.

I’m not really surprised, given what you’ve said… I don’t think I’d allow her to have my children unsupervised either. She sounds rather possessive, and I’d be worried that she wouldn’t parent in the way that we wanted, as she “feels like mum”.

To be honest, I’d be stronger when she makes weird comments - but I’d also see her less. I can’t see the dependency that seems to be growing being any good for any of you. She’s going to feel a big sense of loss when the really frequent visits fade, at this rate, and it doesn’t sound like she’s been very well equipped to deal with any of this.

Original poster
Kneller92 · 20/09/2021 20:11

@saraclara @Holskey yes I agree perhaps my original post wasn't worded very well, probably due to my feelings about what was said, apologies.

OP posts:
GenderApostatemk2 · 20/09/2021 20:17

Your mum is being weird and overbearing.
I love my 2 year old Grandson more than pretty much anyone and provide frequent childcare for him but I’m his Nanna, not his Mum. I would never over ride DD when it comes to feeding/discipline etc. I follow her lead, as it should be.

cansu · 20/09/2021 20:23

Your description of the conversation about the bond is entirely different to the way you initially described it. It sounds like a very supportive conversation.

littlebilliie · 20/09/2021 22:39

Perhaps buy her a grandma book to complete for her grandchild. It may help remind her of the journey she went on to have a gorgeous grandchild. It's a special relationship and I would remind her of that

lanthanum · 20/09/2021 23:16

If she thinks she has a better bond with your daughter than you do (which I doubt) then perhaps you can argue that she needs to take a few steps back and allow you time without her around.

Cherrysoup · 20/09/2021 23:21

I’d be reversing away at full speed. I’m pretty sure something like this could exacerbate pnd. I’m horrified she said she loves your child more than you do, that’s a terrible thing for her to say. She is obviously not her mother, another awful thing for her to say. No wonder your sibling has refused sleep overs etc. She needs to calm down and let you bond with your own child by butting out.

saraclara · 20/09/2021 23:41

@lanthanum

If she thinks she has a better bond with your daughter than you do (which I doubt) then perhaps you can argue that she needs to take a few steps back and allow you time without her around.
She doesn't. Read OP's update about that conversation.
BookFiend4Life · 20/09/2021 23:48

I think you need to shut her down very firmly and that her comments are totally unacceptable. Agree with others that this could exacerbate pnd and either way you don't need anyone sowing doubts or causing you distress while your baby is SO new!!! My mil suggested that my daughter call her "other mommy" shortly after she was born as a "joke" and I said "no that's not a good idea, grannie is fine" with a stern look and haven't had any trouble since.

I think you should probably cut back on visits a little bit if you can. You should be spending this time blissfully bonding with your baby not interpreting her weird comments.

BookFiend4Life · 20/09/2021 23:53

I bought the book "nanaville" for both mom and mil for first mothers day after baby, I claimed not to have read it (lie) but it had several bits about backing off and remembering who is in charge mixed it with cute stories about the author's grandparent journey.

Unsure1983 · 21/09/2021 00:04

I do think you worded it wrongly re what she said about her bond. I think she is overwhelmed by her emotions. Has she always been loving and kind to you or does she have a history for undermining you?

My mum has the history of the latter and said to my baby 'you love me much more than you love your mummy dont you'.

I think if she has always been loving and supportive of you, maybe ask her to boost you up as a mum, too. That you need her as a mum to be there for you and make you feel confident and assured in your new role as a mum.

If she's a history of undermining you I would be much harsher.

What are her intentions? If you state your needs, will she meet them?

MatildaTheCat · 21/09/2021 00:08

I feel so sad for your DM, she obviously never had the family experiences which model appropriate relationships and boundaries. She’s so overwhelmed by her own feelings that yours take a back seat and that, very clearly is not ok.

Wait until the baby is asleep and tell her you are happy she loves DD so much but she must remember that you are her Mummy and she must not undermine that. Give her a couple of examples but do it gently. Gently as in iron fist in a velvet glove.

When she next breaks a boundary simply take DD back and say, this is what I’m talking about mum. And then leave. Keep doing this whilst trying to encourage appropriate behaviour. Also if she wants to support you then give her small jobs and tell DD how lucky you both are to have Granny helping.

It sounds infantile but she has to go back to the beginning because her foundations in families haven’t been laid. I’m guessing she had no support from her own parents when her DC were born?

Best wishes for a resolution.

Justilou1 · 21/09/2021 00:43

I am wondering if your mother uses her past trauma as a way to justify inappropriate behaviour or boundaries? She may have a way of making people feel guilty instead of simply apologizing and acknowledging where she has overstepped. You really need to define your space now.

Original poster
Kneller92 · 21/09/2021 08:19

@Unsure1983 I wouldn't say she undermines me but she can be quite intense so for example when she said she loves my DD more than I do I said "don't say that Mum" and she replied "You don't understand, I love this child more than anything in the world, I really do".

She will always try to be supportive and her intentions seem good, as think she just can't help herself sometimes because of how she feels

OP posts:
Original poster
Kneller92 · 21/09/2021 08:20

@BookFiend4Life that's a good idea thank you Smile

OP posts:
saraclara · 21/09/2021 08:44

when she said she loves my DD more than I do I said "don't say that Mum" and she replied "You don't understand, I love this child more than anything in the world, I really do".

"Mum, you're sounding like a lunatic. Like someone out of a horror film. Are you sure you're okay? This is not healthy. You have other grandchildren yet you're fixating on my baby. You did not love her more than I do. She is MY baby. You are actually worrying me now"

Justilou1 · 22/09/2021 13:36

Regardless of her intentions, her words and her feelings really AREN’T healthy. She needs to learn to respect your boundaries and her place as grandmother or get help.

kgov1 · 22/09/2021 13:44

@WandaVision2

It sounds like your sibling doesn’t let you mum get too involved for a very good reason. YANBU
Exactly what I thought.
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