To think that it's really difficult for a lot of people to revert to past expectations of socialising

[nestoftables]

I've seen a few threads where people discuss either feeling apathetic or anxious about socialising these days, not because they are scared of getting the virus but they have become used to being relatively isolated. There is also talk of feeling exhausted after socialising.

I wonder if there is much research on this massive social shift?

Looking back to when I socialised a lot, some of it I wanted to do, some of it I just felt I ought to as it would be good for me. We've had a good excuse to not push ourselves for a long time.

Has anyone who has felt like this managed to overcome it and feel like they used to?

You only need to read the countless ‘can I go to the cinema on my own’ type threads. When I used to go to the cinema (20 odd years ago) I always went on my own.

Doing something on your own is seen as bad or wrong, perhaps if those people are trying to make it a badge of honour, it’s a reaction to all those who think everyone needs to be social and busy all the time

@TheAntiGardener

It's a fair point. I do recognise that the "team building" office culture can be a bit much. I'm a raging extrovert and I find it cringeworthy.

I think its probably good that the balance has tipped a bit more towards recognition of introversion.

It's the slightly snarky tone which implies that people who like socialising are all shallow and two-dimensional that I can do without. There are plenty of people who enjoy going out and seeing others who are not like a central casting holiday rep!

The thing is, socialising and maintaining friendships requires effort and people have got used to not having to make that effort. In my opinion the effort is worth it to have access to a wide network of interesting and supportive people, but it seems some people are happy to forgo that to reduce the amount they put into it.

@IglesiasPiggl

The thing is, socialising and maintaining friendships requires effort and people have got used to not having to make that effort. In my opinion the effort is worth it to have access to a wide network of interesting and supportive people, but it seems some people are happy to forgo that to reduce the amount they put into it.

Exactly. And generally I don't think that's a good thing.

@IglesiasPiggl

The thing is, socialising and maintaining friendships requires effort and people have got used to not having to make that effort. In my opinion the effort is worth it to have access to a wide network of interesting and supportive people, but it seems some people are happy to forgo that to reduce the amount they put into it.

It’s about effort versus reward, isn’t it? You benefit from making the effort, whereas, for me, any benefit is miniscule and is not worth the effort

Exactly. And generally I don't think that's a good thing.

But surely you get that it is better for some to be like that?

@LukeEvansWife

Exactly. And generally I don't think that's a good thing.

But surely you get that it is better for some to be like that?

Not really, no.

I accept that not everyone is a social butterfly, that some people need more alone time than others and that a heavy social life can be exhausting and difficult for some people.

But as a general rule I think its good to meet more people than less. Meeting people hones your social skills, broadens your perspective, makes you more tolerant and empathetic and teaches you a lot about different people and how they tick. I can't bring myself to see a lifestyle that seeks to limit that as far as possible as being a good thing.

And I can't imagine ever getting to a point where I felt I never wanted to meet any more new people. That's a profoundly depressing outlook. You hear people say this on the time on here "I only need DH" or "I only need my one friend". I couldn't live like this.

I'm one of the people who used to feel like I "had" to attend a lot of things I didnt want to and loved lockdown.

Invitations have been flooding back in, largely for family do's that got skipped during covid and I've mustered up the confidence to say "no thank you" to 2 events so far. I like a bit of socialising, dont get me wrong but currently I've had 3 things on every weekend in sept and 2 weekends are full so far in Oct. Some people cant believe I want to say no to things.

Saying no so that I can spend one day of a weekend doing something for myself/hobby/something with my dc is apparently "miserable", "antisocial" and "rude"

I know I want a smaller Christmas this year again. We always host but last year's much quieter Christmas was actually really nice and less cooking and chatting was far more relaxing.

I missed my mum and my brother a lot. I want to see them this year but I'm hoping the wider family will do their own thing.

Interesting, I've not seen any sense of moral superiority from people socialising less.

I would say the moral high ground of being "busy busy busy" has just been chipped away a bit.

I have autism and struggle socially. I don’t have family close by so if something happens it is important to have friends and neighbours. That can be as basic as the electric is off, can I charge my phone?

I was very slowly making connections pre Covid then everything stopped. I don’t think it is going to be easy if more people are happy keeping to the friends they have. (Not saying that is wrong, neither is superior.)

I wonder if it will affect extroverts moving to a new area?

I am going to be really shallow, but honest, and say that the main reason I don’t want to socialise again now is because I put on so much weight during the lockdown I feel ashamed of my body and insecure. I think once I lose the weight again (which I am determine to) I will want to go out and socialise more again.

I think right now a lot of people are just biding their time, it is pretty normal to have a period of rest after a period of stress. The last year and a half has been super stressful! People will bounce back, but natural to take time over it.

Aren't all introverts self identifying? It's not a condition you get diagnosed with.

I haven't noticed the moral high ground thing.. just proves how many morons there are in the world!

I accept that not everyone is a social butterfly, that some people need more alone time than others and that a heavy social life can be exhausting and difficult for some people.

But as a general rule I think its good to meet more people than less. Meeting people hones your social skills, broadens your perspective, makes you more tolerant and empathetic and teaches you a lot about different people and how they tick. I can't bring myself to see a lifestyle that seeks to limit that as far as possible as being a good thing.

And I can't imagine ever getting to a point where I felt I never wanted to meet any more new people. That's a profoundly depressing outlook. You hear people say this on the time on here "I only need DH" or "I only need my one friend". I couldn't live like this.

But why do I need to hone social skills etc? I’m
50, I’m autistic, it seems a lot of effort.’

It's an interesting thought, OP.

I think it will make people even more unreliable in fixing activities/meetings up.

I no longer want to go out a lot or see lots of people, but that was the way I felt anyway before the original March 2020 lockdown.

@LukeEvansWife

But why do I need to hone social skills etc? I’m
50, I’m autistic, it seems a lot of effort.’

Well, fair enough in your case, and particularly if you're autistic.

But surely you can accept that as a general proposition these are good qualities?

Advocating social isolation and inertia for the whole population isn't a winning strategy.

But surely you can accept that as a general proposition these are good qualities?

They are rare qualities that people claim to have but rarely do.

I’m not advocating social isolation, I’m saying it isn’t such a terrible thing for everyone - some of us need it

There was a really interesting AIBU around May about people feeling flat. A lot of people were struggling to get back into a more social, active gear again. Some of it was loss of confidence to make plans after a long autumn/ winter of tier changes and lockdowns, some having to socialise outdoors in inclement weather, some just finding it hard to get back into a social mood after so long of enforced isolation. It's also been difficult where people have had different social boundaries and that adds in another layer of social anxiety.

I need a mixture of alone time and social time to feel balanced and over a year of very rarely being alone also starved the social energy for external company. I'm feeling better now, but my social energy didn't really begin resetting properly until it began being filled at bigger events like parkrun.

@HarrietsChariot

I think the mistake is for people to assume the old way was "right" and "normal" and that the past 18 months were just an abberation.

People have discovered that they were only socialising because the felt they had to, because it was expected, that it was the only way to live. Lockdown and isolation has made many people realise that, actually, it's pretty wonderful not going out all the time. It makes the interactions you do have more meaningful and people are more relaxed, taking alone time when they want to and not being "obliged" to be out all the time.

100% this. I am in my mid 50s, and used to always be socialising in my late teens to my late twenties, (with friends, work colleagues, and DH etc,) and in my early 30s to early 40s (with friends, other mums, and family etc etc.) Always visiting someone, (often someone you felt obliged to visit,) and always having to accommodate people 'popping round,' and sitting their arse on my couch for 6 hours expecting to be entertained. Some I didn't mind, some I wished would fuck off.

The last 1.5 years have been bliss when it comes to this shit, and I have not felt obliged to socialise, and ask people around, or go around to others homes. I now meet friends maybe once every 4-5 weeks for a coffee, and see adult DC once every 2 weeks (they live 18-25 miles away.)

I don't visit anyone else much, and have only been to several extended family member's homes 3 or 4 times since last summer. Also not having to be bothered with anyone last Christmas, and just seeing our 2 DC on Christmas day, was a blessing.

I started to go to the local Church when I moved to this village 9-10 years ago, and although it was OK to start with, they became quite needy and demanding and annoying, trying to get me to join in this and that, and go visit people, singing the praises of the Lord to them, and trying to make friends with random women in the village who they suspected 'needed friends...'

So I started to give them a wide berth a bit. It was hard at first as they kept mithering me, but lockdown/covid has given me the perfect opportunity to stop going.

It's a toxic mindset that we all need to be out all the time, and we are boring with 'no life' if we're not. I have done my fair share of socialising and people-pleasing ta. I am done. And lockdown made me realise I don't have to do it.

DH and I are seeing a couple of friends, and extended family between 18 and 22 December, for a couple of pub lunches on neutral ground, and seeing the DC/swapping Christmas presents on Christmas Eve this year, and we are looking forward to spending Christmas with just each other and the cats.

Then going to the New Year's Eve party at the village pub (10 minutes walk.)

I have never got this obsession some people have with having to visit people at Christmas (and/or have people stay...) We see the people who we love and care for the most all year round. We don't need to have anyone stay at Christmas. In fact, we don't WANT anyone staying thanks! And WE don't want to stay at anyone else's.

If DH died or left me, I would be happy to spend Christmas day with just me and the cats. Don't want to spend it entertaining others, or going to theirs, and having to make conversation/sit there smiling all fucking day. Just gimme a bottle of port, some savoury snacks and cheese, the TV (including netflix,) my cosy jammies, a jigsaw and a book, and my cats.

Like many other, I cba to go out much with ANYone - especially at night - and prefer to snuggle on the sofa with DH, watching a film, and supping a glass of wine.

Speaking for myself, it’s the quality of interaction that I’m changing and seeing other people change. Not the quantity.

I cannot be bothered with socialization where the point is other then spending time with people. So, meeting friends to meaningfully spend time with them, but in a bar with loud music and no seating - I’m just not interested. Meeting friends to enjoy good food AND actually be with them - yes. Chatting with friends on the phone or on FaceTime - yes. Standing around at pick up in a gaggle with women talking over each other - won’t do that any more.

Yesterday I met my friend’s in-laws at an annual thing. We have been seeing each other every year at this same event for nearly 13 years, bar Covid. I’m that time lots of things have happened, and we’ve enjoyed saying “see you next year for the sequel!”. This time, we exchanged news and laughed about mutually interesting stuff, but it was wonderful to not indulge in idle, meaningless chit chat for the sake of it. We silently and mutually agreed that we just weren’t interested in that. It was great.

I think the discussion around people just avoiding making an effort, or whether the effort is worth the reward (which seems to vary for different people but will also depend on what socialising you are doing) is interesting.

As I said earlier, until recent decades people didn't have to make as much effort to have a social circle. Larger families and different generations living near each other. Knowing people through work, religion, etc. And just bumping into people in your own community regularly which builds up familiarity and sometimes leads to friendship.

But now that it needs to be a big effort, especially if people don't live in a walkable distance, it turns into a decision rather than just how life is.

But now that it needs to be a big effort, especially if people don't live in a walkable distance, it turns into a decision rather than just how life is.

But social media means that you can socialise without stepping out of your front door

I am an introvert. I also love socialising with my friends and family, the two aren’t mutually exclusive.
I have been really surprised to see people saying things like ‘I loved having the excuse not to see people i don’t want to see’ etc. Maybe I’m particularly forthright but if I don’t want to do something, I don’t do it! I don’t feel like I need an excuse 🤷🏻‍♀️. I have never felt forced into socialising when I didn’t want to.
I have loved being able to get back out there and see my lovely friends and family. I only have friends in my life that I actively want to spend time with.
And I absolutely hate socialising via Zoom. It is an extremely poor substitute for actual human interaction.