To think that it's really difficult for a lot of people to revert to past expectations of socialising

[nestoftables]

I've seen a few threads where people discuss either feeling apathetic or anxious about socialising these days, not because they are scared of getting the virus but they have become used to being relatively isolated. There is also talk of feeling exhausted after socialising.

I wonder if there is much research on this massive social shift?

Looking back to when I socialised a lot, some of it I wanted to do, some of it I just felt I ought to as it would be good for me. We've had a good excuse to not push ourselves for a long time.

Has anyone who has felt like this managed to overcome it and feel like they used to?

I think it's quite interesting - I've always been at the very far end of 'drained by social stuff' scale, even with people I really like, so it's been quite weird seeing people who weren't the same shift this way a bit more.

I think it's quite sad, actually - for as much as I am 99% happy to be an introvert and need a lot of my own time, it can be occasionally isolating and makes you wonder what you're 'missing' that other people get from socialising that you don't, and I've been this way my whole life. So for someone who was previously more energised by social events it must be quite a hard shift.

The very very very amateur sociologist in me wonders if we were forced to revert to a much slower way of life without the same level of stimulus we were previously exposed to and our brains have temporarily readapted to it, so now the normal pace of modern life feels exhausting because it is so stimulating all the time. In which case I'd assume most people would eventually reacclimatise!

Thanks yeah it's difficult to know what a good balance is sometimes.

I think slowing down is a good thing, but what is missing compared to the past is having a strong local community. Knowing the people around you for brief chats here and there. Now we can do so much from the computer inside our homes we don't need to go out. So today the social interaction takes so much more effort.

I agree with you OP.

I also think that people are being choosier about whom they socialise with. They’re realising that they’re not bothered about dinner dates with the women they met on that baking course in 2001, nice as those women are. I’m seeing it on Christmas threads - people who love their relatives and friends but are not wanting to travel all over the place having enjoyed the pared-down festivities in 2020.

I think the mistake is for people to assume the old way was "right" and "normal" and that the past 18 months were just an abberation.

People have discovered that they were only socialising because the felt they had to, because it was expected, that it was the only way to live. Lockdown and isolation has made many people realise that, actually, it's pretty wonderful not going out all the time. It makes the interactions you do have more meaningful and people are more relaxed, taking alone time when they want to and not being "obliged" to be out all the time.

@HarrietsChariot

I think the mistake is for people to assume the old way was "right" and "normal" and that the past 18 months were just an abberation.

People have discovered that they were only socialising because the felt they had to, because it was expected, that it was the only way to live. Lockdown and isolation has made many people realise that, actually, it's pretty wonderful not going out all the time. It makes the interactions you do have more meaningful and people are more relaxed, taking alone time when they want to and not being "obliged" to be out all the time.

There's been an awful lot of posts by people ranging from self-styled "introverts" to people with anxiety to people who are just a bit down on going out who are celebrating the fact that they basically don't have to go out any more.

I'm pretty ambivalent about all this. On the one hand I can see how people with social anxiety feel that its more acceptable to eschew going out for its own sake and that's a positive thing for them.

But there's this slightly smug subtext that's crept into a lot of this discussion that basically goes: "extroverts are all shallow people who get their validation from going out all the time and introverts are deep, intellectual people who think a lot, only have meaningful friendships and don't need validation from others". With the implication that introverts are now having their day. I'm exaggerating slightly for effect but there's a narrative about some commentary I've seen that suggests that people who enjoy socialising somehow foisted their hated lifetime on the world for generations and lockdowns and now the introverts are having some sort of revenge.

You say people were only socialising "because they felt they had to", well I never felt I had to. I liked it. I still like it and I found it very hard no being allowed to do it. I understand that's not for everyone, but it doesn't make me a weaker or a shallower person.

I think some of the anti-extrovert rhetoric that's come out of lockdowns sometimes tips over into having a nasty edge of schadenfreude about it.

Like all things in life, moderation and balance are necessary. Going out is important sometimes to maintain your networks and freshen your life up. Staying at home is good to recharge your batteries. Some people are closer to one end of the spectrum, some to the other. Most of us are somewhere in the middle.

But the implied moral superiority of the introvert lifestyle and mindset is something I'm getting quite tired of hearing about, here and elsewhere, I have to say.

I haven't noticed this. Everything must seems back to normal ime, all the allegedly scarred youngsters are all having fun

I'm loving that masks are definitely on the way out too, hardly anyone bothers in shops now it really is lovely to not have the irritating things on.

I'm completely with you @thepeopleversuswork, but it isn't a new, post-covid thing: people self-labelling as introverts and then declaring how this happens to make them super special and superior has been a 'thing' for quite a while. Personally I think any label that people apply to themselves is a big red flag that they'll be very self-involved (self-proclaimed 'empaths' are the absolute worst for this, closely followed by people who self-righteously tell you that they 'always put other people before themselves'). There are loads of absolutely lovely introverts but the key marker of this is that they don't bang on about their own introversion and how deep it makes them.

@Hardbackwriter

Exactly. it's the implied moral superiority which grates with me.

You may be right that it predates COVID but COVID really turbo-charged it. There was this whole: "now you can see what it was like for us when we had to go out, now the boot's on the other foot" line. Which I found quite nasty at times.

It's perfectly reasonable to explore how COVID and lockdowns have changed people's social patterns etc. Quite interesting. But I can do without the: "Oh we all hated going out underneath it all, just some shallow people pretended to like it" stuff.

I love going out and doing things and seeing people and cannot wait for it to get back to proper normal.

Fine if people want to stay home, but I agree there’s a kind of moral thing coming across from people, especially those who clearly spent their lives in a frenzy of activity which they didn’t want, and used Covid to get out of it!

Different but similar, I work with children who are unable to attend school for medical reasons and the number of anxious school refusers being referred this week is through the roof. More than we usually get in a term.

It seems that for children who probably always found school difficult socially, going "back" has been impossible.

The moral superiority thing is interesting. I had noticed people joking about it, long before the pandemic. I'm definitely not intending to convey that here. More concern about what the implications might be for individuals and for communities.

It's great that some people haven't felt inertia about getting back into full social lives. But there does seem to be a pattern of people that have. Of course the latter are not superior. There must be many factors affecting it - individual personalities, plus how much people's lives changed in the pandemic or didn't...

I do wonder what the longer term mental health outcomes might be for some people who now hesitate to do (or completely avoid) social things they did before. Or, as some have said, maybe it is just a different way of living which is fine. I guess time will tell to some extent.

I’m one of those who is happy to stay distant. The only positive out of COVID is that people have kept physical distance. I am autistic though not self-identifying, actually have a DX) and hate anyone getting in my space or touching me.

I have actually found the people who are obsessed with getting back to normal seem to think they are morally superior.

And those who have apparently struggled without physical contact are making up for it now - I swear that the number of times someone has touched me on the arm or brushed past me is getting ridiculous

@nestoftables

It's not just COVID specific, as @Hardbackwriter points out, it predates this. I think you're right to point out there are very real risks for individuals and communities.

I do think COVID and lockdowns exacerbated a tendency in some people who already had social anxiety to almost celebrate isolationism and cheer on those who wanted to remain locked away. While its understandable that some people found this a relief, the broader implications are quite unhealthy.

One thing if you're in your cosy WFH office with your slippers on. Quite another if you're in a remote community, suffering from poor mental health and not seeing anyone for weeks.

I haven't noticed this at all. We were straight out as soon as pubs and restaurants opened and haven't stopped. Got lots of things lined up. Hardly a free weekend in next few months. Everywhere is packed.

A lot of people felt relief at not having to go to dinner with the 'baking club women from 2001'. I know I did. Now the invitations are starting to roll in again and I'm having to dust off my list of excuses!

Definitely true for me, and I was a very extrovert person with an active social life pre-Covid. Now I which everyone would just piss off and leave me alone.

I'm trying to do more of it because once I'm out I enjoy it, but it's an effort for me in a way it never used to be. I'm supposed to be out on Saturday, and I'm trying to think of an excuse not to go, because I'd rather stay in and watch Strictly with my DD.

@Runforthehillocks

A lot of people felt relief at not having to go to dinner with the 'baking club women from 2001'. I know I did. Now the invitations are starting to roll in again and I'm having to dust off my list of excuses!

But its not just the "Baking Club Women from 2001". I saw a lot of people on here at the start of this year who literally hadn't seen a soul apart from their spouse and children since COVID started and were wearing it almost as a badge of honour.

Some of this was down to health anxiety but some of it was down to social anxiety and they were talking about it as if it was a good thing.

Its one thing to cry off the odd social thing you can't face but sealing off your whole household for months is not a great way to live. And a surprising number of people are still living like this since been vaccinated etc.

I'm not scared of getting covid at all, and have no intention of sealing my household off for anything.

But for sure I don't have the stamina for stuff any more. I had a long day out at a swimming gala last Sunday and it literally took me 2 days to recover. I used to be regularly out of the house for 12 hours for work.

I cancelled something this weekend because I just needed my own space to relax and read to check out.

I've found that keeping up with friends virtually is miles more convenient and no less enjoyable than traipsing up and down the country to see them in person, or having them come round.

We've decided to stick to Zoom calls from now on.

I think people need to differentiate between lonely people who are having MH crisis because they don’t see anyone and people who are glad to have less pressure on them to meet friends and socialise.

It does surprise me how the social butterflies talk about those who aren’t like them. It’s not about COVID. It’s often that being introverted or whatever is what they are. I worked from home for several months and didn’t see anyone except my family. I left the house a couple of times but that was it. And honestly I would love to continue like that

No, I’m the opposite. Feel like I’ve got to squeeze in months of missed days of living properly and have been making up since May. Every day is a new opportunity to explore something new, meet up with someone, see how beautiful the outside is.

Every day is also an opportunity to mix with strangers and get annoyed

That said, i had my autism DX in October last year so my friends don’t expect me to go out or anything - before they probably just thought I was anti social

I recognise the extreme-introversion-as-badge-of-honour attitude, and as someone who is definitely more towards that end of the spectrum I find it highly cringey. However, let’s be honest - there has always been a mild taboo around not having a full social life and plenty of friends and social opportunities. How common is it to see people in restaurants or cinemas alone? Far fewer than the number of people who would enjoy it but don’t because it’s seen as pretty weird, I should think.

Back to office advocates in particular are all about how much better it is to see people face to face, and a lot of their comments heavily imply it isn’t normal not to want to do so. The implication is that if you don’t enjoy it you’re some sort of misery. Well, I don’t really identify with the extreme introverts as I’m enjoying seeing friends and family after Covid - but I am absolutely dreading the small talk with people I just happen to sit near in the office. Nice people, but nothing really in common with them and I find this sort of interaction exhausting. All the LinkedIn posts enthusing about seeing people in the office is making me feel once again like an antisocial oddball.

I think it cuts both ways.

@theantigardener good point, I think people who are less extroverted have often felt guilty about not socialising as much as they felt they should, whereas maybe the social butterflies haven't felt guilty about being so sociable (I'm guessing?), so there have definitely been value judgements in society about which is better.