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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to feel a bit resentful and unloved

33 replies

zippitippitoes · 05/12/2007 14:53

..I had my fiftieth birthday this year and I got one present

from my ds who is 19

nothing from my dd2 and her dp who are 22

nothing from my dd1 and her bf who are 23 and 27

nothing from my then dp who dumped me the following month but for my birthday lket me choose a bracelet for 260.00 a troll bracelet that he could add a bead to on future birthdays and christmases which he knew he never would and whihc he let me pay for on my own credit card

so i got nothing from my brothers or my sister either

and a mug sayin fifty from dps mother i forgot that i have since left it on exdps doorstep

OP posts:
JeremyMcVile · 05/12/2007 14:58

Oh, that's horrible.

Yanbu. A gift is the least you could have expected on your 50th.

mrsruffallo · 05/12/2007 15:00

Why do you think this happened? Are you not especially close to them?

BeeWiseMen · 05/12/2007 15:00

YANBU. Why did your DD's not buy you anything?

Original poster
zippitippitoes · 05/12/2007 15:01

dd1 promised an ipod

she asked me to stay home today to make sure i was here to receive the wii she has bought her boyfriend for xmas

this has provoked bitter thoughts in me

OP posts:
Original poster
zippitippitoes · 05/12/2007 15:03

oh i am close to them ..dd1 and her bf live here

for nothing

they just didn't bother it seems

usual thing of a promise and no present

OP posts:
BeeWiseMen · 05/12/2007 15:06

do they have jobs? If they have any income at all they should be contributing to the costs of the house. Have they no pride?

Why not tell DD1 that you've decided on the ipod you would like and she can call it a birthday/christmas present if she chucks in an itunes voucher?

Really, you know they're taking the p*ss don;t you?

Bouncingturtle · 05/12/2007 15:08

Zippi
YANBU - that's a pretty shoddy way for your dds to treat you - I wouldn't treat my mum that way!

dragonstitcher · 05/12/2007 15:09

YANBU. That's disgusting.

Original poster
zippitippitoes · 05/12/2007 15:10

i think so..i brushed it off at the time but I am just thinking what have i done that i have such a rubbish time

OP posts:
RobertSmithStoleMyLipstick · 05/12/2007 15:11

I would be very hurt

(and I would maybe not hear the door when the delivery man knocks )

BeeWiseMen · 05/12/2007 15:13

actually I have family who treat their monthers like this (free accomodation, loans/gifts of money, endless babysitting) and the only cure for it is to say NO.

Treat me better, pay your way, thank me when I do you a favour or sod right off.

sb6699 · 05/12/2007 16:01

I was going to suggest that maybe your DD's are struggling financially (one year I gave my mum an IOU which she thought was hilarious) - then read the bit that one of them is staying with you for free!!

Given that, I don't think they have any excuse really.

Would agree with BeeWiseMen, bring up the fact you have chosen the ipod you would like and would be happy for it to be christms/birthday present (then show her the expensive one

nametaken · 05/12/2007 16:12

I'll tell you exactly what you've done that you have such a rubbish time - you've allowed everyone around you to treat you like a doormat for years and now is the time to put your foot down.

Tell all your children and any partner that you care for them and love them and work hard for them and do hundreds of little favours all year long and in return for this you want:

Flowers on mothers day
A gift and dinner cooked for you (or taken out) on your birthday
A gift of at least £100 every xmas

Yes, I do mean it.

When I first started going out with boys I was absolutely amazed at the number of boys who actually thought they could have sex with me all year and then not get me a present on my birthday. HELLO!!!! Like I allowed that to continue.

When we first got married my husband actually thought he could get away with buying me a CD and a jumper for xmas. I soon bloody well put him straight and you are just gonna have to do the same to your family.

Start telling them now exactly what you expect in future so they've got time to get used to the idea. And if they don't listen you'll have to do what I did to hubby and give as good as you get, which in my case was nothing.

Of course, now I get i-pods, digital photo-frames, camcorders etc (which I thoroughly deserve after all I don't get any money spent on my any other time other than birthdays and xmas) but my god I had to scream loud and likely so will you.

x

Original poster
zippitippitoes · 05/12/2007 16:18

yep u r probably right

i am feeling self pitying at the mo

OP posts:
nametaken · 05/12/2007 16:23

I know - it's easy to fall into the trap of feeling sorry for yourself, we've all been there at some point but the only way out of it is to get a grip and take control and try really hard to change the things you don't like.

BarbieLovesKen · 05/12/2007 16:27

you poor pet, that is horrible. No, Your definately not being unreasonable. You are being completely taken for granted.

Regarding the ipod and bringing it up, saying will do for Christmas plus birthday etc.. I can see the point but don't think this is the issue - I don't think Id want it if I had to basically blurt out that I wanted it.. I think Id want a little fuss made of me without having to ask, even if they had no money, a nice meal cooked for you, little cheap "meaningful" gifts, something homemade, or a day dedicated to you i.e. a big effort by everyone to clean and cook and spoil you for the week... iykwim?

BeeWiseMen · 05/12/2007 17:09

you can't force people to be thoughtful or to treat you.

what you can do is

tell them that their behaviour is hurting you

inform that they have to start paying their way or leave

adopt a reciprocal policy on present-giving so if you don't get one from someone, they don't get one from you

take all the extra money you have from not subsidising other people's living costs and not buying presents for people who take you for granted and spend it all on treats for you.

I went through a phase, when I was really down, of buying myself a beautiful bunch of flowers every week. Of course it's always much nicer to get flowers from somebody else but as nobody was going to do that for me, I did it for myself.

Original poster
zippitippitoes · 05/12/2007 17:14

oh i have bought myself stuff in a reckless fashion...they are not not nice i just wish i was surprised by someone doing something nice for me

preferably someone i loved tho

not because they felt they had to but because they thought it would be nice

actually exdp did give me something on my birthday which was a locket i gave him when we were in the early days of our relationship on a new chain

obvs he gave it me because he wanted rid seeing as he left me three weeks later and was already looking for a flat but just didnt plan on telling me

OP posts:
HonoriaGlossop · 05/12/2007 18:23

aw that is grim. I do agree with those that say it's time to stop allowing yourself to be treated this way. Obviously nothing you can do about the awful ex but with your kids.....living with you for nothing, managing to buy the bf an expensive gift but not bothering with yours...that really isn't nice and I think you're doing them no favours to allow them to act that way. i went back to live with my mum and dad for free for a while in my very early twenties, and I was extremely grateful for the opportunity and took every chance I could to show that - I wouldn't have dreamed of taking them for granted that way. You are entitled to demand more from them than you are getting, not just because it's 'things' but because they can show you you're valued.

You deserve better - definitely agree with those who say demand it!

Niecie · 05/12/2007 18:37

Definitely put your foot down now or you will get nothing for Christmas either and then you will feel even more resentful.

I can't imagine how your DD lives with herself, not paying you any housekeeping. I paid my parents something even when I was at university and only earning in the hols. If I was living with them, I paid my way. I would have felt terrible doing any different. The boyfriend who lives with you is even worse imo as he isn't even family. You may justify paying for your own children but not somebody else's! How can he feel that is the right way to behave?

Lazarou · 05/12/2007 18:47

What did your ds get you zippi?

Original poster
zippitippitoes · 05/12/2007 18:53

ds got me a watercolour painting of a house not a very good watercolour but the house it was of he had remembered i had a sentimental attachment to so i was quite impressed

dd1 has come in and by chance said that i am getting a combined christmas and birthday present...maybe because she has had a guilt over the wii for bf, so she is getting me something..i think

OP posts:
agnesnitt · 05/12/2007 23:52

I would have misheard the Wii thing and assumed it was a wonderful gift for myself, opened up, set up and had a belting game of Mario Galaxy going by the time my daughter had returned home

Agnes** Who is feeling somewhat evil today

MerryKerryXmas · 05/12/2007 23:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoveAngelGabriel · 06/12/2007 10:09

YANBU. I'm especially surprised at your kids being so thoughtless. How are you for cash? If I were you I'd sod off on a long sunny holiday alone over Xmas, and on your return, have a frank talk with them and let them know how you feel. YANBU.

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